Rumbling

I feel so lost. I don't know myself, or what I want, and I am stuck in a loop that seems to never end. There are so many parts of my life I want to change but don't know how to, and every step forward takes me 10 steps back. I am scared. I am very afraid. I used to be so confident, now I don't think there is someone I hate more than myself. And it is bleeding into my life. I try to look for a job, but the voice in my head says there is no need. Who will hire a campus dropout? (Never mind, I did have a job but lost it because of alcohol). It hasn't all been one big failure, but I suppose it has accumulated to the point of self-loathing. I wish I could look in the mirror and admit that I am not someone that can coexist with alcohol. I have periods where things look up, and then the devil on my shoulder whispers; one drink and before you know it, I am missing work and going on week-long drinking benders. The regret kicks in and then I am drinking to cope. I also have a cannabis use disorder. no one where I am from will admit it's a thing (it's actually been made cooler than cigarettes among my generation) but it is. When sleep eludes you because of it. When you can't eat because you haven't smoked. When the first thing you do when you wake up is reach for the lighter. I just don't know what I am doing in life truly. Is this rock-bottom? I feel like I cant sink any lower. Jobless, living with a friend and having my daughter being raised in upcountry while my childhood was much better. I have nightmares when I am sober. Vivid dreams that feel so real. l see my classmates from high school, some of my colleagues, my siblings I haven't seen in years, and my daughter. Most times it makes 0 sense, but maybe it's just a manifestation of how I feel. Like my life has been one giant fuckup. I have had good friends, and good bosses. My last employer loved me so much and I disappointed her. I have quite a bit of an obsessive personality. I tend to be very good at everything I do (Even drugs apparently, lol) and when I focus on things I get a bit of tunnel vision. I dont even know if I am expressing myself correctly, but I often get the distinct feeling that if I die people at my funeral will use me as a cautionary tale. Beautiful, intelligent, ambitious but somehow lost in the noise of the world. I used to want things. To be someone. To travel the world and make my mum proud. Now I'm just holding on for my daughter and the people that still see good in me. I used to think people that committed suicide were cowards. and selfish. I still do, but I understand better now. Sometimes you just want it to stop. I have been running for so long, and i don't even know what I am running away from. I thought having a child would make it better, now I have just added someone into my mess of a life. I have tried. I think I have, to raise her alone up until May this year. I should be proud but I cant be. I dont want her to hate me, but how can I expect love if I can't even love myself. I'm tired of running from myself, from life, from the consequences of my actions. Sometimes, I want to go far away. To some obscure place no one knows me, and to just be. But I know it won't help. You can't outrun the thoughts you have. But I am so grateful too. I mean, maybe my family wasn't the best, but I am blessed with true friends. People that want to help but dont know how. And I hide and run from them because I dont want to fail them again. I just feel so much.

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