Suicide vent
The story
Um so basically my issue is that I just don't know what's wrong with me anymore. And every day that goes by, I feel more and more ready and sure that I don't want to be here anymore. And every single day I wake up and suicide is the only thing that I think of. It's the only thing in my mind. And I've thought of every possibility and every scenario. And the aftermath and the preparations. But I just, I can't bring myself to do it. Because I'm a coward. And I'm just scared of what would happen if I did actually succeed. And the truth is, I don't even know if I want to die. But I know that I would rather die instead of living this life that I don't want. And nobody knows about this. Not even my therapist or my closest friends. But I just wish they'd see the signs because I don't understand anymore. Because I always joke about it. I'm depressed. I've been depressed for the past few months. And I tried to open up to my mom about it and she thought it was a joke. And I'm too scared to tell my therapist because I don't want to get locked up in a mental institution. And I just don't know what to do anymore. Because tomorrow I just have to be back at school with a smile on my face. And nobody, nobody ever knows. And the first thing that I say when somebody asks if anything is up with me is say no, I'm okay. And this isn't like there's so many other things. How I've been starving myself because of my anxiety. I've lost all of my appetite. I do not eat anything at school for eight hours. Only gum and energy drinks. I've been smoking a lot. And then when I come home I barely eat any dinner. And then I just go to bed again. And I'm just so fat and ugly. I genuinely just can't even picture my future. I'm so pathetic and ugly and fat and worthless and literally such a burden to anybody. I'm a burden to even my own mom. So, I don't know, I just had to get this out. Hoping that maybe somebody would see this. Not because I hope somebody relates because I don't wish this upon anyone. So just know, if you relate to this, you matter.
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Points of view
Hey, first and foremost, I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to open up about what you're going through, especially when it's as heavy as what you've described. It sounds like you're really struggling with some overwhelming thoughts and emotions right now, and that can be incredibly tough to handle on your own. I'm glad you reached out here, even if it's anonymously.
Feeling like nobody truly understands what you're going through can be isolating, but please know that there are people who care about you and want to help. Have you considered reaching out to a different therapist or counselor who might be able to provide the support and understanding you need? Sometimes finding the right professional can make a big difference in how we manage our mental health.
Also, have you thought about talking to your mom again and explaining how serious your feelings are? Maybe she didn't fully grasp the gravity of the situation before, but opening up once more could help…
Hey, I hear you, and I can see that you're going through some really tough stuff right now. It must feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Opening up about these feelings takes real bravery, even if it's just on an online forum like this.
I get where you're coming from when you mention feeling like a burden to others. That's a heavy feeling to carry around. But let me tell you, nobody is worthless or pathetic – not even you. You might not see it now, but there's always hope for things to get better.
It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot of internal struggles, from depression to anxiety and body image issues. Have you thought about seeking out different resources for help? Maybe opening up to your therapist in more detail could lead to finding coping strategies that work for you.
Remember, it's okay not to be okay sometimes. Just take it one step at a time. You're not alone in this 💪❤️