The want to be un-noticed
The story
Most of my life I've had mental illness and other issues, due to trauma and genetics. Despite the many efforts and treatments from therapy, my anxiety and depression has worsened. It has lead me to become a somewhat dishonest person. I'm 24 years old, but still have no idea what to pursue job/career wise. When people ask, my responses include near future plans to enter a college/job or answers that I'm still looking into it. Neither are true. After talking with many others to get advice, working on my confidence and skills, taking work quizzes, having a job, etc. There was absolutely nothing that peaked my interest enough to go for it. I already have given up, but feel that no one will understand and keep pushing me to find something when there's nothing to find. Something must be terribly wrong with me because, my dream life is to be unimportant to the world and be alone. A life where no one is expecting anything of me and knows nothing about me and won't ask. I know people need jobs to survive, but I don't even care to survive, either. Not even that motivates me to work. My current job is to care for my close relatives children while they work. I love them and we have so much fun, but they are so difficult to care for at the same time. The youngest has food aversions and is not caught up on mental or vocal development for their age. My current guess is that they have autism. The reason I think this besides the similarity in the symtipms is because the older sibling has asperges and a mood disorder and adhd, the oldest child had Adhd as well. It just runs in the family. It's immensely difficult to navigate. Right now, It's only 2 hours a day, but in the summer when schools out, I will more than likely become overwhelmed. In the end of the summer, I'm planning to move away, but don't want to tell anyone where I'm going out of the embarrassment. Maybe, it's right of me to be embarrassed because I'm willingly putting myself into homelessness ans giving everything away to go to a homeless shelter. There is no intention of ever becoming not homeless. I'm tired of living with people who need rent money and need me to work and know what I want to do with my life when all I want is to be able to survive and show kindness and respect to others. That's literally it. I'm not looking to be in relationships or reach huge milestones. Idk why I'm never motivated to be like everyone else, but nothing has been able to change it. I convinced myself hard to be like them hoping it would force a different reality on me. It didn't. I feel like a broken person and although, I will never take my own life over it, I so just wish I could pass away some other moral way. Is that wrong of me? Is there something I should of tried that I never did? I just feel helpless and ashamed.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
hey, i totally get what you're going through, it's like you're caught up in this whirlwind of emotions, right??? it can be super overwhelming when you're still figuring things out, especially if you're dealing with mental health issues and past trauma!!! it's legit how depression and anxiety can mess with your career goals; sometimes you just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
when you're working in childcare, like you are, every day can be challenging, especially when you're dealing with neurodiversity and developmental delays, and it seems like your family might have a history of that; look, everyone deserves to find their own path, and not everyone wants the typical 9-to-5 grind or to hit those societal milestones, you know???
"not all those who wander are lost"; maybe you're just taking a different route that's more aligned with what you really want deep down, and that's okay...!! living on your own terms, even if it seems unconventional, can lead to unexpected joys!!! it's all about finding those pockets of happiness wherever you can, keep your head up because things can shift when you least expect it 🙂.
I really appreciate your comment, honestly.🙏
Maybe someday I will just have this sudden realization about what it is that I want to pursue and everything will fall into place, but it's very hard. I feel discouraged 😞
I also feel pressured to meet some kind of expectation and at 24 it's so embarrassing to have nothing going for me yet. I dropped put of college because I just couldn't find what to do and there isn't enough varying work opportunities in my area to begin with. Although, it isn't just about school and work. Everyone knows my hardships because they are around me often. All of my past and current failures are known to my family and friends and that's why I just want to run away and cut everyone off and start over. I don't want to come back until I get things figured out and can be proud of myself.
hey, i totally feel where you're coming from, life can be a real rollercoaster, right? when you're dealing with mental illness and past trauma, it can feel like you're fighting an uphill battle every day. it's challenging to see how things can get better, especially when anxiety and depression just keep dragging you down. you're not alone in this and "not all those who wander are lost;" sometimes it takes a bit of wandering to uncover what truly resonates with you.
you're doing such a big job taking care of those kiddos with special needs, it can't be easy but it shows you've got so much compassion. i get that it might feel overwhelming and you're considering stepping away from it all. balancing personal goals with day-to-day tasks can be exhausting, and it's okay to feel lost sometimes. even though societal norms can be super annoying, finding small joys and connections might help lighten the load.
keep hanging in there and keep searching for those small moments of happiness and peace, they are out there even if they're hard to see sometimes. take care of yourself.
dont be too hard on yourself. even people much older than you are still struggling with what they want to do in their lives. you are not alone and what you are doing for the kids is commendable. stay strong.