what happens when you cry too much?
The story
I am in a very bad period right now and I keep asking the same dumb question, what happens when you cry too much, because I think I am doing some kind of damage and nobody says anything usefull about it. I do not mean one dramatic cry and then sleep. I mean a stupid repeated event, like my body is running a broken program and the output is tears, pain, more tears. My eyes burn all day. The skin under them is red and sore and kind of hot. My nose keeps switching between blocked and leaking and I am honestly sick of this gross fluid circus. My head feels packed with pressure, mostly around the forehead and sinuses, and I cannot tell if that is stress, inflammation, fatigue, dehydration, or just me going to hell in small pieces. Have you ever cried so much your throat hurt after even when you were not even speaking anymore? Because that keeps happening to me and it feels absurd. My chest gets tight. My breathing goees weird. I try to regulate it like some proper adult with self-control and then some tiny useless thing happens and I break again. People keep saying crying is healthy and that is such lazy crap. Too much of anything becomes wear and tear. That is basic logic. The autonomic system goes into overdrive, pulse elevated, muscles rigid, stomach unstable, sleep architecture ruined. Yes I know how that sounds, too clinical maybe, but what else am I supposed to call it when my whole body acts like it is under constant load. I drink water and still feel dry. I close my eyes and they twitch. I sit still and my face feels swollen and wrong, like it belongs to some miserable stranger. Maybe that is normal; maybe I am just weak and making it bigger in my own head, but I do not think so. I think the body can only process so much crying before it starts billing you for it. That is what this feels like. A bill. A penalty. A system notice saying I exceeded tolernce and now every part is irritated.
What makes it worse is that I do not even cry for one clean reason now, which would at least make sense. It used to be one event, one loss, one insult, one actual cause. Now it is procedural and embarassing. I spill coffee, I cry. I answer a message, I cry. I cannot find socks, I cry, which is pathetic and yes I know it sounds stupid as hell. Last week I cried in the shower so long my legs felt weak after and I had to sit on the floor because standing felt too complex for me at that point. Yesterday I cried before eating, during eating, and after, which is disgusting and probably not ideal if we are pretending I am a functioning person. My appetite is unstable. My stomach does this acid thing, then hollow, then nausea, then nothing. Sleep is fragmented and thin. Concentration is bad. I read the same line three times and still do not absorb it. Cognition feels blunted, like every crying episode strips off one more layer of function and leaves me dumber and slower. Maybe I am overstatng it. Maybe I am not. I doubt everything now, including basic symptoms, because being like this makes you feel insane and cheap. But I can still observe facts. I get headaches, facial pain, shaky hands, fatigue, dry mouth, a sore throat, and this ugly emotional hangover that does not clear by morning. I become rude because I am tired and honestly angry. I sound formal because if I say it plain I will probably just start swearing like a complete animal. So here is the direct version. I do not know how my body could react if this keeps going. Maybe nothing dramatic happens. Maybe I just keep degrading in these small, mean, stupid ways until this becomes my standard operating condition. That thought scares me more than one big collapse, actualy. Slow failure is still failure, and I am tired of pretending this is just sadness when it feels more like prolonged physical malfunction.
