i had a therapist for 5 years who last year was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. initially they said it was really abnormal and slow growing and they were confident they could perform a whipple and chemo and hed be saved. 2 months later post whipple the cancer had spread to his liver and he was diagnosed terminal.

all of this was devastating of course, im familiar with his family, something we bonded over was our children and how similar we were as parents and the way we cared about people. watching him be torn away from his 2 young girls is so awful and i feel so deeply for his partner.

2 weeks ago i had sent a regrettable message raising the awkwardness of the time we met because i was completely emotional and i didnt want him to think i was falling apart without him, because despite devastation 5 years of therapy gave me some great tools to accept emotions as they come no matter how large or overwhelming.

this message was something that stressed him out and his partner then stepped in and said she would be a communication bridge. happy for that i obliged only asking once to apologise realising the mistake id made. she had told me as he deteriorated i would be invited to say goodbye, and in the interim she would reassess whether me and said therapist could reestablish contact. given that now that i could recognise that i asked her whether it would be okay to message him some more, she said no as he was in hospital and i replied that was okay but i was more meaning in general as this is not how i wanted to remember him. i was happy to leave is as he was recovering and needed rest. i made a comment in reference to her recognising how hard it must be not having contact by saying yeah i dont know any other relationship where not only am i not allowed to visit but not even talk to someone whos dying. somewhere in the message sent she replied saying that the relationship was to be terminated as the ethical boundaries are clear in that once he stopped being my therapist our relationship ended. she stated they had tried to be accomodating of my needs but how i wasnt able to be appropriately boundaried and that i am no longer ever be able to contact my therapist again.

not only had she said about a reassessment of boundaries but my therapist the last time i saw him told me that was likely not going to be the last time i saw him, she has also stated about me seeing him when he was close to the end for closure. the level of betrayal here is massive. i feel lied to, disrespected and above all else heartbroken i may never get to say goodbye to my therapist. he hasnt contacted me either.

it not just this that infuriates me. for the last 5 years i have been in almost a constant communication with my therapist. i was lucky enough to message him day to day to establish rapport and safety and a sense of trust i do not hold in alot of people from childhood as most adults did not care to care. as an adult now with my own kids i struggle to see how anyone could treat their kids that way and still struggle with closeness with other adults as i constantly think theyre going to leave.. ironic.

i have had multiple letters from my therapist every time he went away to bridge any abandonment feelings as most times he had holidays it was around key events of trauma. he has continuously told me i am worthwhile, how much he cares about me, offered hugs (sensory regulation) and sessions like walks in the local park to ease the feelings that came up with being in rooms.

ethics dont begin to cover the gray areas he stretched to help me heal and throughout this by no means have i felt like he did anything wrong as i truly felt a sense of safety and ease and like i could manage without him because he believed in me.

that was up until his partner messaged me. we are 2 months after his terminal diagnosis, and after research the 2 year wait of ethics is technically in a gray area because he is dying. its a bit late to pull the ethics card.

now i know likely all of her message is because she is struggling to let go too of her partner, as would i be. i hold such a great compassion for her situation right now and of think about her very fondly.

this however has been handled so poorly. there have been constant moving expectations, and boundaries and i feel as though over the years i have put up with many instances where maybe as a client i shouldnt have had to. (a medical proffesional telling me once that its completely innapropriate the expectations that have been out on me.) all because i pushed to have it mimic a real relationship so i could learn how to navigate.

i have cried so much these past few months and before the terminal diagnosis was considering leaving therapy as i felt hugely capable without him.

this is such an abrupt was to end this half decade of my life trusting this man who in his dying days seems not to give a shit. or is maybe just running with his partners mistake in support. im not sure. but this is so devastating to have it end like this. its such an awful memory of him and now a shame because everywhere reminds me of him because of his involvement in my life. im sure later on this will be lovely but right now its painful. there was no goodbye.

its crazy to me because there was one time we had a fight because i said i cared more about him and he was going to reply, later told me,that i didnt know that so i couldnt say that to him.

this whole thing is fucked i know. but not even a goodbye after 5 years. like that is so shit. just so sad. its all so unfair.

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