am I pansexual?

I keep circling the same stupid question at 2 a.m.: am I pansexual, or am I just bored and confused? I’ve dated guys. I’ve hooked up with a girl once. I’ve had a crush on a nonbinary friend and felt zero need to label it. I didn’t care what they had in their pants. I cared that they were funny and smelled good and made me feel seen. That sounds “pan,” right? But then I hear people say, “Don’t rush to label yourself,” and I roll my eyes. Easy for you to say. You’re not the one staring at your phone wondering why your algorithm is half thirst traps of men and half soft masc lesbians. 🙃 I grew up hearing “you’re either straight or gay,” and anything else was “a phase.” So now I’m stuck interrogating myself like I’m on trial. Am I just attention-seeking? Am I trying to be special? Or am I finally admitting what’s been obvious since high school when I said, “I don’t care about gender, I just like people,” and everyone laughed?

Here’s the thing. I don’t feel a preference most of the time. Attraction just happens. A coworker smiles. A barista flirts. A friend touches my arm and suddenly my brain short-circuits. Gender feels secondary. But then I overthink it. Because sometimes I do lean toward men. Sometimes I fantasize about women more. And sometimes I just want whoever treats me like a human being and not a project. Does that inconsistency cancel the label? Or is that literally what being pan means? I’ve read definitions. “Attraction regardless of gender.” Okay. Cool. That fits. But then someone says, “Pansexuality is just bisexuality with a new name,” and suddenly I’m spiraling. I don’t want to disrespect anyone. I don’t want to invade a space that isn’t mine. I also don’t want to lie to myself. I remember sitting on my friend’s couch last year, drunk, saying, “I think I could date anyone if the vibe is right.” They shrugged and said, “That sounds pretty pan to me.” I laughed it off. But it stuck. I think about the girl I kissed at a party. It wasn’t for male attention. There were no guys around. It was just heat and curiosity and real desire. I think about the nonbinary person I almost dated. I didn’t once question their identity. I just wanted them. Isn’t that the point? Or am I just overcomplicating something that could be simple? Tell me honestly, if you’ve felt this too, did you ever get a clear answer? Or did you just wake up one day and say, “Screw it, this is who I am”?

I’m tired of policing my own thoughts. I’m tired of thinking I need a committee to approve my feelings. I’m definately attracted to people beyond just one gender. That’s real. That’s not a trend. I’ve tried ignoring it. I’ve tried saying “I’m straight, mostly.” That felt like lying. I’ve tried saying “maybe bi?” That felt close but not exact. Pan feels right in my mouth. It feels honest. But I’m scared of being wrong. Scared someone will say, “You’re not queer enough.” Scared someone else will say, “You’re just confused.” Both sides can be brutal. And yeah, sometimes I get defensive. Because why does anyone else get to decide what my attraction means? Why is it such a big damn deal? If I like a person, I like them. Period. I don’t check their gender like it’s a box on a form. But I also don’t want to slap on a label just because it sounds progressive. I want it to be true. I guess that’s where I’m at. Not seeking validation, but also kind of seeking it. Not confused about who I’m attracted to, but confused about what to call it. So I’ll ask you straight up: if you don’t prioritize gender in attraction, if you’ve fallen for different genders without it feeling like a category shift, what would you call yourself? And why does it feel like such a huge thing to admit out loud? Maybe the answer is simple and I’m being dramatic. Or maybe this is just part of figuring myself out. Either way, I’m done pretending the question isn’t there. It is. And it’s loud. 😐

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