am i unlovable?
The story
i’m 27 and i’m a man and i swear sometimes it feels like i was born with some invisible warning sign on my face saying do not love this guy?? like what the hell am i doing so wrong?? during all my studies i had no girlfriend, not one, not even some dumb little almost thing that people talk about like “yeah we kinda dated for 2 months” no, nothing, zero, empty, just me watching everyone else get texts, hugs, kisses, drama, breakups, all that normal human shit while i was just there pretending i didn’t care. i did care. i cared so much it made me feel pathetic. now i’ve been working for 5 years in a big nice company, good job, clean office, tons of people, and yeah there are a lot of single girls around my age and still somehow i’m invisible. i talk, i joke, i try not to be weird, i dress decent, i smell good, i’m not some cave troll, but it’s like they can feel something off and they just keep me in that safe boring box. “he’s nice” yeah thanks, nice means nothing. nice means you are a chair. nice means they will ask you for help with something then go flirt with some random loud asshole two desks away. and i’m not saying girls owe me anything, before someone starts that bullshit, i know they don’t. i just don’t understand how a guy can try for so many years and get absolutely nothing back?? not one girl looking at me like i matter?? not one girl choosing me?? am i really that hard to want??
i go out with my friends too, it’s not like i sit home crying every weekend, even tho honestly sometimes i want to. we go to bars, birthdays, after work stuff, stupid crowded places where you have to yell just to say hi, and my friends always tell me “just be confident bro” like wow thanks genius, never thought of that!!! then i watch them talk to girls for five minutes and suddenly they’re laughing and touching arms and exchanging numbers, meanwhile i’m standing there with my drink feeling like some background npc in my own damn life. one time a girl talked to me for like twenty minutes and i thought maybe finally, maybe i’m not cursed, then she asked if my friend was single. i laughed like it was fine but inside i wanted to disappear into the floor. another time a coworker told me i’m “such a good guy” and then started dating a guy from another department who treats her like garbage, and i know this sounds bitter because yeah, i am bitter. i’m tired of pretending i’m above it. i’m lonely as hell. i want someone to text me good morning, someone to miss me, someone to pick me first for once. is that so fucking crazy?? people act like wanting love is desperate, but everyone wants it, they just don’t look desperate because they already got some. i don’t want pity love. i don’t want someone to force herself. i just want to know why nobody ever naturally wants me. maybe i’m ugly in a way mirrors don’t show. maybe i’m boring. maybe my vibe is broken. maybe i’m too needy even when i say nothing. i don’t know anymore. i just know i’m 27 and every year this feels heavier, like i missed some train everyone else got on at 16 and now i’m just running behind it like an idiot 😒 so yeah, am i unlovable?? or am i just unlucky?? because after studies, after 5 years of working, after going out, after trying to be better, after watching everyone else get chosen over and over, it really starts to feel personal!!!!
