Hi I’m a gay man that suffers from depression and takes antidepressants daily just to be able to be able to do get through normal day.

I am currently engaged to a man , and have now a somewhat stable-ish life minus my down days and I work a lot to keep myself always distracted away from my negative thoughts (unhealthy Ik but it works better then being alone in house)

So essentially I had this coworker that I worked with was on same shift pattern then I got moved to a different one which was normal . Over time working there I got close with a lot of people I worked with since I did a lot of overtime for different shift patterns etc and so did the other person who did a lot of overtime on my shift . And over time got friendly and became work pals and talked via social media to one another and talked a lot about our goals , our personal life and relationships etc. and go on breaks together and that .

Eventually we got moved onto the same shift together and that’s when I started feeling different when near him I would get nervous (in a flustered way) around him and be weird and made a lot of flirty jokes and nicknames all this I was subconsciously obvious that I was actually flirting with them , later on I discovered that I was actively trying more like taking care of myself more and felt genuine happiness when around them or listen to them . And feeling joy and that giddy feeling when they message me as they are a very interesting person, I’d always get them their favourite drink after they mentioned it once. But the thing is they are straight to my knowledge but every time they talked to me or touched me be it shoulders etc I’d feel happy plus the time they asked my to touch their biceps and sat close to me and sending pics or vid of their gym progress. So was conflicted on this.

Then the realisation of shit I really like them I’ve never felt so happy even just talking to them , flustered , confused and a intense feeling of guilt and shame and fear that I’m engaged to someone but looking back I never him felt this way before even at the beginning of my relationship with my fiancé and for once I didn’t feel so depressed and experienced genuine happiness without masking it for so long that i genuinely thought I’d forgotten what it was like . As idk why but even in my current relationship I don’t know why I feel so alone even with their presence

So in conclusion I’m stuck in a maze of thought of my own feelings , relationship mental health self hatred and worth don’t no what to do

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