Conflicted Feelings: My Unrequited Crush on a Straight
The story
Hi I’m a gay man that suffers from depression and takes antidepressants daily just to be able to be able to do get through normal day.
I am currently engaged to a man , and have now a somewhat stable-ish life minus my down days and I work a lot to keep myself always distracted away from my negative thoughts (unhealthy Ik but it works better then being alone in house)
So essentially I had this coworker that I worked with was on same shift pattern then I got moved to a different one which was normal . Over time working there I got close with a lot of people I worked with since I did a lot of overtime for different shift patterns etc and so did the other person who did a lot of overtime on my shift . And over time got friendly and became work pals and talked via social media to one another and talked a lot about our goals , our personal life and relationships etc. and go on breaks together and that .
Eventually we got moved onto the same shift together and that’s when I started feeling different when near him I would get nervous (in a flustered way) around him and be weird and made a lot of flirty jokes and nicknames all this I was subconsciously obvious that I was actually flirting with them , later on I discovered that I was actively trying more like taking care of myself more and felt genuine happiness when around them or listen to them . And feeling joy and that giddy feeling when they message me as they are a very interesting person, I’d always get them their favourite drink after they mentioned it once. But the thing is they are straight to my knowledge but every time they talked to me or touched me be it shoulders etc I’d feel happy plus the time they asked my to touch their biceps and sat close to me and sending pics or vid of their gym progress. So was conflicted on this.
Then the realisation of shit I really like them I’ve never felt so happy even just talking to them , flustered , confused and a intense feeling of guilt and shame and fear that I’m engaged to someone but looking back I never him felt this way before even at the beginning of my relationship with my fiancé and for once I didn’t feel so depressed and experienced genuine happiness without masking it for so long that i genuinely thought I’d forgotten what it was like . As idk why but even in my current relationship I don’t know why I feel so alone even with their presence
So in conclusion I’m stuck in a maze of thought of my own feelings , relationship mental health self hatred and worth don’t no what to do
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Points of view
Do you feel guilty about these feelings?
Yes
Sounds exhausting. Do you think addressing the guilt might help clear your head a bit? :)
I honestly don’t know , just trapped in own head
Can't say I'm surprised, sounds like a mental traffic jam. Might help to sort through one thought at a time. Do you have anyone you can talk things through with?
Not really , well no one that would understand it , maybe a therapist but no personal people
A therapist might really help to untangle this mess, since they're trained for stuff like this. Personal people can be tricky when they haven't been in your shoes, you know? If you decide on therapy, it could be a good step towards some clarity.
Makes sense, but careful.
Damn, that's a real pickle, mate. It's hard when your emotions go running wild like that, especially when you're already dealing with depression and trying to keep things stable with medication and all. It sounds like you've got some serious feelings for this coworker, but the idea of hurting your fiancé or betraying their trust while you're engaged must be eating you up inside. Maybe it's worth considering talking to someone about it, like a therapist who can help you make sense of these feelings and guide you in figuring out what's truly right for you without causing unnecessary heartbreak. Remember, it's normal to feel lost sometimes; just gotta take small steps forward and see where they lead... 🌈
Man, dude, you're in a serious pickle here. Honestly, it sounds like you've got some deep-rooted issues to work through, both with your current relationship and within yourself. Being on antidepressants myself, I know how they can make everything feel muddled sometimes. But here's the thing: pining for someone else while being engaged is kind of a red flag for your current relationship's health. You gotta ask yourself if it's worth holding on to something that might not be fulfilling you or if you're simply clinging to it out of complacency. Wouldn't it be better to confront these feelings head-on than let them fester? Life is already complicated enough without dragging unspokens along for the ride!
i gess maybe hmm
sounds like an emotional mess. i get how the feelings developed but isn't it worth addressing with your partner?
It sounds like you're grappling with some complex emotions, and that's totally understandable. It seems like your connection with this coworker is bringing out a side of you that feels alive; perhaps it's worth reflecting on what it is about the dynamic with him that sparks such joy. Maybe it's a sign to evaluate whether your current relationship truly fulfills you, or if there are aspects you can work on to bring more happiness into it. It's important to consider your well-being and emotional needs carefully; sometimes, feeling drawn towards someone new can be an indicator of missing elements in our lives that need addressing.
It could be just a crush like those emotions can be intense. Do you think it's affecting your relationship?
Yeah, could just be a phase or stress. Hope it clears up soon.
Navigating complex emotions while managing depression is definitely no small feat, especially when you find yourself captivated by someone else while already in a committed relationship. While it might feel exhilarating to experience those new feelings again, it's important to assess what you're truly seeking from your relationships: stability or passion. Since you're feeling conflicted, perhaps shift the focus inward and think about what fulfills you personally or enhances your sense of well-being; finding this balance could provide clarity in both love and mental health without leaving lingering guilt or doubt 🤔
This is tough since emotions can change quickly and unexpectedly. Have you considered talking to someone about this?
man, i totally relate! had a similar thing happen to me at work once...we ended up going for coffee tho!
Sometimes relationships evolve over time and feelings change. Maybe consider discussing it with your fiancé?
Could this coworker be just providing a kind of support you're missing elsewhere?
idk man sounds kinda naive; have u thought bout fidelity n security??