so here I am, sitting alone in my messy apartment, scrolling through Instagram while sipping on my third cup of coffee, wondering why I can't cry over this whole love mess I’ve been dealing with. I mean, c’mon, does being heartbroken mean I have to walk around like a freaking robot? it’s not like I’m made of stone or anything but ever since my last breakup, it feels like my emotions are stuck on mute. you’d think that after being with someone for years, when things go south, you’d at least shed a few tears, right? but here I am, dry-eyed and feeling more like a confused Android struggling to compute the emotional data it doesn’t have. it’s weird! it’s like I’m going through the stages of grief but forgot to actually feel something in the first place.

like, I should be angry or sad or at least something! instead, I feel like I’m just sitting in a waiting room with a constant loop of “What went wrong?” on repeat. this guy I dated was hands down the love of my life—the romantic archetype every cheesy rom-com would be jealous of. we had all the classic signs: the long talks about whether pineapple belongs on pizza and the plans for retirement in a house with a blue mailbox. but then out of nowhere, it all flatlined. we broke up because he "needed personal space," which is obviously code for "I'm too scared to actually commit!" and I should’ve been devastated, right? but all I could do was watch Netflix and scroll through meme pages, thinking, well, this is just peachy! It’s like my brain is trying to tell me, “Hey, feelings are for suckers!”

I keep waiting for that moment where I just collapse into sobs, like they do in the movies, but it never comes. all my friends always tell me it’s totally healthy to let it out! “Just cry it out! It’s a form of catharsis!” but like, why should I? do you really think that sobbing into a pillow is going to change the fact that he still unfollowed me? or that he’s probably out there enjoying his "freedom" while I’m here battling existential dread? crying feels like such a cliché, and I don't want to go through all that drama while feeling like a fool. Plus, I don't even know if I’ll feel better afterward! I’ve seen too many people ball their eyes out over relationships that clearly weren’t worth it. "You deserve better" is what everyone says, which is easy for them to claim while sitting on their happy thrones of successful love life while I’m over here in chaos!

but maybe that’s the trick of it all: this numbness isn’t forever. I mean, I’ve read somewhere that emotional suppression and denial can keep you from actually confronting your feelings. just the other day, I stumbled upon this article that talked about how sometimes we grow through what we go through, and I realized: maybe I’m just fine-tuning my emotional intelligence here. I mean, who’s to say that not crying means I’m not hurting? it’s like I’m letting my inner self take a breather, processing things in my own way. perhaps one day it’ll all hit me like a tidal wave, and when it does, I’ll be ready to ride it. and who knows? maybe being a brick wall right now is just part of the healing process. sometimes, not crying is just another perspective, and maybe I’m building my emotional resilience, even if it feels a bit odd. am I alone in this? is this feeling of emotional suppression something more people experience?

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