How to gain trust back in a relationship after lying?
The story
I never thought I’d be one of those women who stayed. You know the type—rational, self-aware, educated, and yet still somehow stuck between what they should do and what they feel. When I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me, the emotional whiplash was debilitating. I remember staring at his face while he denied everything, even as the proof was right there, practically screaming from the screen. Later, he admitted to more than just the affair: he'd lied about past relationships, finances, even seemingly mundane details like where he was on certain weekends. Those small lies somehow hurt more than the big one. I kept wondering, “Was anything real?” He told me he lied because he didn’t want to lose me—ironic, considering the lies are the reason I can’t look at him the same. People talk about “rebuilding trust” like it’s some Ikea bookshelf. Just tighten a few screws, follow the instructions, and voilà. but trust isn’t a piece of furniture; it’s this fragile, complex web that once broken, doesn’t reassemble so neatly. And when it’s been shattered more than once, even the idea of rebuilding feels insulting.
There’s also this paradox no one talks about: in order to rebuild trust, you have to offer vulnerability—the very thing that got you hurt in the first place. I’ve asked myself if I even want to trust him again. Do I want to open myself up to more manipulation, or am I just addicted to the comfort of familiarity? There are days when I almost convince myself it was just a mistake, a temporary lapse in judgment. Then I remember the months of gaslighting, the “you’re crazy” looks, the weaponized silence. My therapist calls it trauma bonding. It’s the cycle of abuse disguised as affection, and yes, it’s real. We’ve had endless conversations about boundaries, accountability, and what it means to earn back trust. He says all the right things now: that he’ll be transparent, that he understands why I question everything, that he wants to do the work. But how do you quantify “doing the work”? Is checking in regularly and sharing phone passwords enough? Or is it something deeper, more intangible? Sometimes I catch myself analyzing his tone, his pauses, the exact wording of his apologies. I’m exhausted by my own hypervigilance, and it makes me feel like I’m the one who’s broken.
The hardest part is that I haven’t left—yet. Part of me still believes in redemption, in growth, in the idea that people can change if they truly want to. But then I think, should the burden of his growth be placed on the ruins of my trust? The foundation is cracked; no matter how well you paint over it, the instability is still there. And I don’t want to live in a metaphorical house that could collapse any second. He keeps asking, “What can I do to prove it to you?” and I never know how to answer. Is it even my job to provide a checklist for redemption? Or is that another form of emotional labor I never signed up for? I’ve become someone I don’t recognize—calculated, cautious, and constantly second-guessing my instincts. I used to believe in open-hearted love, the kind where you dive in headfirst without checking the depth. now I keep one foot out of the water, scanning for sharks. Maybe you’ve been there too. If so, tell me—how do you unlearn distrust without betraying your own sense of self?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
ugh, I feel you so much. 😩 been there, done that. why do ppl lie like it's their freaking hobby? like, dude, lying isn’t a talent! i couldn't believe my eyes when my ex was sitting there denying it all while I had the receipts in my phone. it's so wild how they can spin webs of lies over the smallest things like, are you serious right now? 😡 honestly, rebuilding trust feels like trying to fix a broken mirror with super glue, and newsflash, it still looks janky af. but yeah, it's this messed-up cycle where you gotta be vulnerable again just to fix what they messed up. like, how is that fair? and omg, those “just a mistake, babe” excuses make me wanna scream. it’s like, they push you right into detective mode, analyzing every little thing. so exhausting! 🙄 i totally get the thing about wanting to believe in redemption and change, but should it be on us to make it happen? nah, that's too much work. it’s like, figure your stuff out, buddy! it's such a struggle between hope and protecting yourself from more bs. hang in there, you’re definitely not alone in this mess. 💔 i swear, figuring this out is like trying to solve a never-ending puzzle.
yo, i get the pain, but c’mon, can't let this stuff eat you alive???? like, everyone slips up sometimes, right? 🤔 maybe he really does want to change and just doesn’t know how to go about it; ever thought about that? relationships are like, super complicated, and it takes two to tango, ya know? maybe try giving it another shot? if he’s saying he’ll be transparent and do the work, then let him prove it! 💪🏼 yeah, trust is fragile like glass, but isn’t it worth trying to piece it back together if there's something good there??? plus, you don’t gotta be this hypervigilant detective forever—just focus on finding your own peace and happiness, for real. everyone’s got skeletons; the real test is if they’re willing to empty that closet for a fresh start. 💖 sometimes it’s the hard stuff that makes us stronger. keep your chin up, everything happens for a reason!!!
aw man, i totally get where you’re coming from. it’s crazy how people can let you down, especially when you thought you were on solid ground. once trust is broken, it feels like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. but here’s the thing, do you honestly think he’ll change just because he says the right words? my ex pulled the same stunt, promising the moon, but nothing ever truly changed. all those promises can quickly feel like empty words, you know?
i feel you on being caught between wanting to give it another shot and not wanting to be hurt again. it’s like being stuck in this endless loop of worry and doubt. should you really be responsible for his growth and your own sanity? for me, it took stepping back and asking what I really needed to feel safe again. at the end of the day, you deserve honesty and peace, not this emotional chaos. take care of yourself first, that’s what really matters.
man, totally get where you're coming from, it’s like you’re stuck in a never-ending loop of deception and betrayal. seriously, when trust gets shattered like that, putting it back together is as tricky as handling volatile stock in a crashing market. you can't just magically make everything okay with a few sweet words. honestly, "doing the work" and being transparent might sound nice, but actions speak louder than words, you know? 🧐
do you really believe he can change after everything that's happened? i wonder how you're expected to quantify trust when it’s become so intangible; like how can checking his phone actually measure up to building genuine trust again? and yeah, opening up feels like you’re just setting yourself up for more pain. i’d question if it's worth sticking around when the foundation is so damaged, because let's be real, demolishing and starting fresh might be the only way to actually achieve peace. are you ready to live with this constant doubt and uncertainty?
Honestly, I think you're overanalyzing the situation. Emotional whiplash, trauma bonding—these sound like excuses to defer the decision you need to make. Relationships involve risk, and not everyone will meet your standards. My past experiences taught me that you can't rebuild trust if you're unwilling to let go of past grievances. His promises to change might seem hollow, but have you given him a fair chance to demonstrate that change? 🤔
Sometimes, it's better to confront the situation head-on rather than being paralyzed by caution. If you keep one foot out of the water, you'll never know if it's worth diving in. Focusing on potential negatives can cloud your judgment. Ask yourself, is the relationship worth salvaging, or are you just afraid of starting over?
man, i totally feel you on this!!! it's like once trust is gone, it’s freakin’ impossible to get back. seriously, how do they expect us to rebuild trust when they broke it so bad with all those lies? 🤔 like, you can't just patch it up with a few nice words and a smile; that’s not how it works!!!
all that stuff about "doing the work" and being honest sounds good and all, but do you ever think it's just talk? even if he’s trying, how can you really tell it's for real this time? 😒 with all the gaslighting and past manipulation, it’s hard to even know what’s true anymore. you're spot on about that cycle of abuse disguised as affection—it’s so toxic. i wonder how long one can keep giving second chances before they just get tired of waiting for real change??? you're right to second guess everything.
dude, i totally get you! 😤 been there, surviving through all the lies and betrayal. it’s like they live in a fantasy where they think trust is some kinda cheap thing you can just buy back. "rebuilding trust" my ass; it’s more like putting together a shattered piece of glass. you can't just glue it back together with pretty words!
i had an ex who pulled the same crap, promising to change but never really doing it. it’s all just noise unless you see real actions, ya know? i get keeping hope alive, and yeah, people *can* change, but they gotta show it, not just say it. a clean slate should come with real growth, not just more talk. 🙄 keep your head up and don’t settle for less than you deserve! 💪 life’s too short to waste on second chances that never happen. stay strong, and only let the good stuff in! 🌟
yo, i get where you're coming from, but maybe you're being a bit harsh on him. relationships are messy, and everyone has their flaws. i had an ex who messed up big time, but he did try to make things right. sometimes people do dumb things out of fear or insecurity. maybe he really wants to be better 🤔
i mean, yeah, lies suck and they hit deep, but isn’t it worth trying to see if he can actually change? if you think he’s genuine, maybe give him a chance to prove it instead of writing him off completely. trusting someone again is tough, but it doesn't always have to be a dead-end. sometimes things work out if you both put in the effort. just a thought!
honestly, it seems like you're focusing a lot on the negatives without considering the potential for growth and change; people do make mistakes, but that doesn't mean they can't learn from them. i remember when i was in a similar situation, and i decided to listen and watch for real change rather than just words. sometimes, it's worth taking a step back and evaluating the relationship in a broader context, rather than fixating on the past errors.
relationships are inherently complex, kind of like delicate ecosystems that require balance and effort from both sides. it sounds like he's trying to be accountable and willing to do the work, which is a positive sign. embracing a holistic approach to assessing whether there's grounds for reconciliation might help guide your decision. in my experience, keeping an open mind to his efforts, even when skeptical, led to a better outcome than expected. consider whether this relationship still holds value for you beyond the breach of trust. 🤔