i dont really have anyone to tell this to, since i dont have a partner and my one friend i could talk to about this...would not like to hear this. im just throwing this out into the void. hopefully no one will ever know its me.

recently, ive had this bout of depression. i know i know, everyone has that from time to time, ive had it my whole life. but this one just seems to hit deep for some reason. ive felt nothing but extreme loneliness since mid-late 2024 (and further...it just got stronger during those months). i got cheated on, left a toxic relationship with two of my best friends, and my old highschool friends? i just dont relate to them or talk to them anymore. my best friend, whos like my platonic-soulmate, has their own shit and love life to deal with. i used to talk to them about this love-life lonely bullshit a long time ago but they told me they didnt wanna hear it since (at the time) they were single and it annoyed them, so i stopped telling them anything related to it permanently, alongside other feelings stuff. not in a petty way but i just dont want to burden anyone. im mentioning this because im on a trip with them right now, and i really wish i wasnt. i have to hear them talk to their girlfriend a lot and all that other mushy shit, and im happy for them! i just wish i didnt have to be near it. obviously ill let them call in front of me and do all that because durrr theyre my friend, they can do whatever. im glad they finally got their first relationship. it just sucks because i really want to be home by myself to cry because i cant cry in front of them or else theyll ask whats wrong and they obviously wont like what i have to talk about and probably say something rude about "imagine how i felt" or some shit. i feel like im not allowed to feel bad about this since theyve been single longer than me or whatever.

i just feel super lonely and suicidal. i cant talk to them about it because "oh youve been in more relationships then ive ever been blah blah"...but they all ended badly. weird high school shit, being assaulted and weird sexual shit happened to me that i dont want to delve into, cheating, being thrown to the side....i dont think im a victim, i think i just have had a bad luck streak. i wont go too into detail. im in my 20s now and being single is fine, i just wish i had someone who genuinely loved me (and ill love them too! Two-way street, obviously) . no cheating or sexual shit or any weird stalker bullshit. im so tired of it. dating apps suck since ive only ever dated friends/people im close to and its hard to get that with people u just met on an app, and where i live theres not many queer people...it especially sucks because im lowkey ugly? i dont need pity for it and im not trying to fish for compliments, ive just accepted it at this point. being lowkey weird with gender, being ugly, autistic, and looking like a teenage boy makes finding love (platonic or romantic) hard.

not only that, but schooling stress and love life stress also pile onto the fact that like...the only people i could talk to at this point are my parents and even then i CANT because theyre conservative and ive lived a double life hiding all this gender and love life bullshit from them. they wouldnt understand and id probably be kicked out. i want to tell them so bad, but theyre so brainwashed. i want to cry into my moms arms about my frustrations of love and gender and tell her all the bad things ive been hiding for the past decade. but i cant. i have no one i can talk to. i try to download dating apps to make friends or do hookups but it never makes it past the awkward small talk phase. i do try, i really do. i just feel like ill keep constantly chasing this quick friendship making thing to fill the void but it never works. i stopped doing it but i always have the urge to redownload those apps and try again. hell, ive even been thinking about hitting up old exes and shitty friends just to feel something/HAVE someone.

im delving into books and science more and stuff i love. school is doing fine and im happy about what i want to do...so i have that part somewhat figured out. but the other shit? yea ive given up at this point. ive settled for just crying myself to sleep, drinking, and indulging in drugs to try and feel less lonely. getting into hobbies like costume making would be nice, but i dont have the money for a sewing machine lmfao.

maybe if i just cave in and tell my parents everything, that weight will be lifted off my shoulders and maybe ill feel a little more resolved/less lonely? i dont know.

im sitting near my one friend typing this. id rather make a long ass message on a stupid anonymous board then talk to them about anything. and before yall comment YES i recently got a therapist, and it helps! another person to talk to, but its not a real friendship yknow? and ik some people will probably be like "oh ill be ur friend!" but its like...awkward and probably wont make it out of this message board yknow? plus, i crave irl friendships...idk. i appreciate the sentiment though. people online can be really sweet! i just really want to hang with people irl, ive had enough of online shenanigans, haha....

if you read all this uhhhhhh congrats, have a gold star. i hope you have a nice day/night wherever you are!

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