I'm not really asking for advice or anything. Anyways, I slept a lot in class today, haven't showered, eaten, drunk anything to the point where I felt weak. Sometimes I'm just severely depressed, but today I realized that's quite bad and I need to baby myself. I use to app to help others and myself, helping others also helps me help myself, idk why but I feel better and give the advice to myself. I decided to actually eat and everything. I feel better but I think the reason I do is because of my mind, like a clarity thing. Sometimes I take care of myself and I ask what the point is when I don't have anyone to go as I'm homeschooled and live in the south. I'm surprised I feel good today despite it not being sunny outside. I think it's because I stopped trying to make myself do everything when I'm in such a horrible state, like workout and cook. Those things feel hard when I can barely eat.

I also feel good because it can only go up from here. Idk tho, tomorrow I could do a complete 180 and feel suicidal again but hopefully not. I feel like I haven't gotten much happiness from my hobbies or whatever I got for the holidays. My hair is in a weird era rn because it's something you have to trust the process, I go back to my hairstylist in a few months. I need to but a wig lol. I'm looking forward to that, looking girly and all. Of course I'm looking forward towards summer.

It can also feel hard to study and do homeschool when I don't have my basic needs met aka like sleep, hunger, hygiene. I've been texting people who I think are very cool to become friends with them, I do 2 people a day. I started yesterday but neither of the previous guys have responded yet, that won't stop me tho. I know the friendships that I have now aren't really exactly what I need or anything. I one of my friends sends me friend appreciation posts which I really appreciate. I don't really have a best friend tho so I'm gonna work on that as well. I've learned that any short amount of discomfort or has experiences is worth it to keep finding my support group.

Like I have a guy friend but I literally get grossed out by him. He's overly sexual and even if he's not, I still feel the disgust. I was friends with him because I actually felt connected and he's the only other friend I have but at the same time...I've started to feel physically disgusted about his personality traits. I think all the sexual stuff ruined it and I just hate everything about him now to the point where I think he's nasty. I don't really know how to break that off, he's given me his email, number, State, and he hacked me because I made a joke about hacking him. He thought he ate that but all it did was make me scared of him. I just wanna do this without getting harmed, I know he won't take it well. He's autistic and ADHD so maybe he didn't understand the social cue. If I'm being honest, I don't have any healthy relationship with any men in my life, for family, most are violent. For online, very weird and just use you for sexual gratification. I've only had one healthy friendship with a guy online. I don't really know how to have a normal one but it's something I wanna search for.

I've been waiting on my mom because she said she'll help me get a new doctor as I've aged out of the kids doctor now. I'm quite impatient but I don't know how that process really works and if it's complicated so I'm just here. I also need to get my drivers license, the reason it's taken me long is because I'm terrified of driving and almost got hit but I've studied for two months straight so that's something. I also broke my glasses, they just kinda fell apart in my hand, I live in America and that stuff isn't covered, my mom said she'll figure it out on how to pay. I wish It was covered, I just wanna see, people take seeing humans for granted, I feel more anxious without my glasses because my brain is missing social quies and faces and much more. I just keep my head down to make sure I'm not doing anything awkward because I can't see someone.

To end it on a silly note, this is definitely limerence because I don't know him but there is a very cute guy who works at the fast food place, me and the family go to. We've made eye contact a couple times and he laughed because I kept looking away. Idk why but seeing him makes me happy. I low-key avoid eye contact because I told my mom about him and she embarrassed me by pointing at him to "make sure it's him I'm talking about" 🥲

I'm still living and that's enough, I just need to take one thing at a time. 🪷

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