i don’t know how to explain it properly, but every damn time i look at him, i feel like he’s gonna disappear. it’s like this weird heavy pressure on my chest, like something terrible is just waiting to happen. i hate it. we’ll be laughing about something stupid, some meme or a tiktok or something dumb like “is water wet?”, and then outta nowhere, my brain just goes, “hey, what if this is the last time?” and then boom—panic, dread, all of it. it’s exhausting. i’m not even sure why i’m like this. maybe i’m broken or something. or maybe people just lie when they say love is supposed to feel safe and secure and all that fairytale bullshit. because i don’t feel safe. i feel like i’m standing in a storm, waiting for lightning to strike, and he’s the only thing keeping me grounded.

we’ve been together for a year and some months. nothing dramatic happened between us—no cheating, no weird secrets, no weird family drama, nothing that screams red flag. so why do i constantly feel like i’m about to lose him? like, genuinely lose him. not just he-breaks-up-with-me lose him, but more like car-crash, random-heart-attack, someone-else-steals-him kind of lose him. yeah, i know that sounds obsessive. i get it. i’m not proud of it. but it’s the truth, and i’m not about to sugarcoat my own thoughts just to seem normal or balanced or whatever people call it these days. i hear the lyrics in “like i’m gonna lose you” by meghan trainor and john legend and my whole soul goes “yup, that’s it.” because that’s how i act, that’s how i kiss him, how i say goodbye, even just for a few hours. i kiss him like he won’t come back. pathetic, right?

sometimes i think i’m preparing myself for the worst just so i won’t be as destroyed when it finally happens. but that’s dumb too. because no amount of mental prep is gonna make it easier if something bad actually goes down. and the worst part? he doesn’t even know i think like this. he probably assumes i’m just clingy or overly affectionate or weird about texting back fast. he doesn’t know that i stare at his face sometimes, just to memorize the little lines around his mouth, the way his eyes crinkle when he’s amused, or the scar above his left eyebrow from falling off a bike when he was ten. he doesn’t know that i count every goodbye like it’s possibly the last. he doesn’t know that when he’s late texting me back, i’m already visualizing horrible things. it’s not his fault though. it’s me. it’s my brain, my trauma maybe, or my lack of therapy. hell if i know. i’m not gonna sit here and analyze myself like some armchair psychologist on reddit;

but what really drives me crazy is how no one talks about this. no one warns you that being in love can feel like a death sentence. like you’ve signed up for guaranteed heartbreak, just not sure when it’s gonna arrive. everyone posts pictures of their boyfriends with captions like “my forever” and “so lucky to have you,” but no one says “i love you so much it terrifies me” or “every moment with you feels like a countdown.” maybe that’s just me being unstable or overthinking. but also maybe everyone else is just faking the peace. because if love is really supposed to be this calm, peaceful, secure feeling, then why do i feel like i’m constantly tiptoeing on a cliff’s edge? why do i feel like loving him is a ticking bomb and i’m the only one hearing it?

i wish i could chill. i wish i could be the laid-back girlfriend who trusts the universe and doesn’t spiral over every random silence or late reply. i wish i could hold him without that awful little whisper in my head saying “this could be it.” but no matter what, that thought just stays. maybe i’m wired wrong. maybe something in me is broken from people who left too soon or from being disappointed one too many times. i’m tired of acting like everything’s fine. like i’m not spiraling. because every time he smiles at me, every time he says he loves me, i smile back and say “i love you too,” and what i really mean is “please don’t leave. please don’t die. please don’t change your mind.” and that’s so messed up. i know it. but i also know i’m not the only one. i can’t be.

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