Unlucky in love
The story
To preface, yes, I am still a young adult, and logically I understand that I have many years ahead of me and many more people I've yet to meet. But I can't help but feel helpless about my current situation.
In brief, I'm deeply in love with my best friend and I have been for just over 2 years now.
As for the messy details, both of us were in relationships not that long ago, both with people in our wider group of friends. I broke up with my partner partially due to not knowing if I was ready for a long term relationship, partially due to festering guilt over my feelings for this friend (which I had since before getting into that relationship). He broke up with his because they didn't feel compatible, and he is aroace and wasn't able to meet their romantic needs.
To me, he is one of the most attentive, kind, funny, and wonderful people I have ever met. I am not a people person, and even people I like drain my energy. But I feel like I need to spend time with him to recharge. Of course, nobody is flawless, I just find him absolutely irresistible. Maybe it would be easier to deal with these feelings if they were clearly unrequited, as I assumed they would be considering his identity, but this isn't exactly the case?
He doesn't really drink, and even when he does he almost never gets drunk. The first time he ever got truly drunk around me was after we were both newly single, and he told me he loved me and that he felt a way about me he'd never felt for anyone before. I didn't want to take this 100% seriously considering how drunk he was (he didn't even remember saying it!) but he repeated it again later, sober. Since then, we have become very close. In my eyes, and in the eyes of those around us, we act essentially like we are in a relationship. Yet, we don't call it that. It's 'nothing official', and he doesn't want it to be anything like that. To make it messier, neither of our exes know about this, nor do our friends in that particular circle.
It's painful and confusing; to be held through the night and cooked breakfast in the morning, to be kissed and told I'm lovely, to be told "I love you," and know there is an undertone of "Not quite in the way that you mean it." (This is something we have directly discussed and that he has told me).
I feel like I need to be loved romantically and the security of a relationship. I am also not asexual and would like sexual intimacy he has no interest in—he will do some things on request but it seems more like a service to fulfill, so I don't really ask. I know this situation is not healthy. I just don't think I can bring myself to be distant with him. The time we spend together is when I can feel the most at home in body and mind, and he's helped me feel happiness like I've never felt before. He has quickly become my rock, especially as I have recently become physically unwell quite quickly, and he's taken on burdens in looking after me with no complaints.
There is no way I'm falling out of love with this man any time soon. I'm stuck like this, swinging between euphoria of spending time with him and insecure spiralling about his identity or lack of attraction towards me. He wants things to carry on as they have been, but I don't know if I can handle that. But if I were somehow able to tear myself away I think I would feel just as much pain, if not more, mourning our closeness. I think I'm doomed either way.
TL;DR: I am in a messy, doomed situationship with my aroace best friend.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
man, this is such a complicated situation; it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. i see where you're coming from: feeling all that love and warmth but knowing deep down there's a missing piece must be tough. have you considered what it would be like for you in the long run? emotionally, do you think there's potential for any kind of evolution in those dynamics? it's worth pondering how you can navigate your desires and his boundaries without losing yourself or him in the process; relationships should fill us up, not leave us with an empty tank!
Honestly, it sounds like a trainwreck waiting to happen?! You're getting half of what you want while hoping for more that's honestly never gonna come. You've put yourself in a spot where neither ending things nor continuing them seems right; long term, it's bound to hurt even more. Maybe it's time to step back and really think about your needs versus what you're actually getting here, as hard as that might be. Your well-being has got to be priority number one!!!
You're in quite the quandary, aren't you?! It must be exhausting to juggle your feelings while managing this ambiguous relationship dynamic. You deserve more than an emotional tug-of-war; maybe it's time to recalibrate what you want from this connection and if it aligns with his intentions. Don't shortchange yourself by settling for a half-baked version of love: your own emotional fulfillment should come first!!!
this whole thing’s a hot mess, not gonna lie. you guys are like two puzzle pieces that almost fit but just don't quite click together. with him being aroace and you're wanting more, it sounds like you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. you've gotta ask yourself if this “almost relationship” is worth all the emotional rollercoaster rides or if it's time to start looking after your own needs before things get even messier. staying in something that leaves you half-empty isn't fair on either of you in the long run, y’know?