Is the family image more valuable than me?
The story
My life at home with feels like An Idle Brain Invites The Devil In by Salem The Musical. My mom tells me my family is "happy" and "Christian", yet makes me feel like a servant than her daughter. Majority of the time, i hear her order me to do chores. it doesn't matter if i'm tired, i need to obey her or she'll give me a weird stare as if i acted lazy. She shows more affection to my little sister, and i guess that because my little sister is easier to control. My mom promises that she will change and have more self controls after our discussions during fasting and yet she uses violence as 'discipline'.
She neglects me too. When i asked if i can at least try therapy or professional help to at least know what i am feeling or what i need, she pressures me. Saying that it's just the evil in my head and that i should get more to make me feel guilty because therapy and the things i want is expensive, as if this situation is a joke and not something she needs to take seriously. She warned me that people might label me as crazy when they find out about my issues as if she doesn't spread about what i vent to her or that she doesn't have full control of the things she can share like our family image is valuable than me.
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Points of view
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot at home, and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed by the expectations placed on you. 😔 It seems like there's a disconnect between what your mom says and how things really are. But I'm curious, have you ever talked to your sister about how she feels in all of this? Maybe she has a different perspective or could offer some support when you're feeling down.
It is distressing to read about the challenges you're facing at home, particularly when the environment feels more stifling than nurturing. Your depiction of being seen not as an individual but more akin to a subordinate is indeed troubling; this dynamic can certainly erode one's sense of self-worth and autonomy over time. The juxtaposition between proclaimed family values and your lived reality highlights a significant discrepancy that seems emotionally taxing. Seeking professional assistance for mental health should be acknowledged as a courageous step rather than discouraged or minimized. It might be beneficial to explore alternative support systems outside your immediate family that can provide a safe space for you; maintaining one's mental wellbeing is paramount, irrespective of external judgments or familial expectations.
man, it sounds like you're going through a tough time at home, and feeling like you're stuck in a loop of being told one thing but experiencing another can be super frustrating; your mom's dismissive attitude towards therapy is pretty concerning though, because getting help is important when you're feeling overwhelmed, and it seems like her resistance might be more about fear or misunderstanding rather than what's best for you.