The universe will probably not care. Earth's not forever anyways. My life nor anyone else's is permanent anyways. So why bother? I can't be fixed. This can't be fixed. The Earth's gonna get blown up by the sun in 1 billion years. The plan was cancelled. My family was right. They may say it's because one of their parents had other ideas, but the truth is, 4 people in a group meant to be a trio is too much. I'm too much. They cancelled the outing, and they didn't originally plan the outing.

I wanna give up everything. This has happened before. Their plan changed. I don't matter to anything. Mom is right, not everyone likes me. They may say I'm fine, but it's toleration. Being at home is better. Home is safe. It doesn't give the very invisible implication you don't matter. The universe won't care, so why try? If I'm gone I won't be remembered. If I ran away somewhere, alone, they won't remember. Everyone hates me unless proven they don't.

It's just I know the world's gonna blow up soon. Someone even predicted it could be November 13 2026. What's the point? I'm not liked, nor is anything else. The plan is over. I wasn't ever wanted. The outing was canceled. 4 people is too many. I was extra. An extra in an immaculate plan. I'm too flawed for them. This was bound to happen. I can't confront someone about this. I'll look desperate. If I keep asking why they cancelled it and that I feel I'm too much for them, they'll leave. This was glass. Why should it be this fragile?

Why didn't they tell me? Did they think I was dumb? It's fine now though, it's never gonna happen. My brother has better friends than me. They call so many times and have fun. I can't. I can't have that. Maybe something decided that every relationship outside of family isn't possible. As an adult I'll be lonely. Maybe relationships wasn't meant for me. Not everyone can have everything. This always happened whenever I wanted to be with them. Life just said I can't do it. I can't have it. My anger is catching up to me. I was always a broken kid. Always. Some people just don't deserve others outside of family. It happens. Some adults learn to make peace with being lonely.

Their lives would be the same if they never met me, because I added nothing. I can't rely on family forever, can I? I'm too desperate, they don't deserve me. I'm just saying, as much as I don't wanna die, they sure as hell make me wish I was still alone, so I'd get used to it. I wish I never met these people, I connected too much. I've been given bad luck ever since I was small.

It's always my curse with my family. I can only have a good time with them, never my friends. I love my family a lot, but as an adult, I can't keep going back to them forever, right? I'd have no other choice but to replace friends with family, if this keeps happening. It means doing anything with them is impossible. I'm the scum in their lives. Mom even said it's okay to be lonely. I guess this was my life meant for me. The adults were right.

This has happened last time as well. The same friend wanted to go to the same mall 3 years ago, until it didn't happen. I have had only a few friendships in my life, but these 2 instances are evidence. Only with friends this happens. With family this never happened. I'm cursed.

I'm egotistical. I knew it. I knew I didn't deserve help. I can be like mom. She never goes out with friends, only us. That means this whole time I was destined to start from nothing. This thing with me isn't anything. I shouldn't be here. Everyone's lives would've been better. Mom would've become a doctor. My brother wouldn't be sad. Those people would feel glad anyways. You know what they say "Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone".

Honestly, in school, most people think I'm a bit weird. I have found some people who don't mind being around me, but earlier I was always weird. When I was young I used to get really angry, and after a while I did cool down, but socially I was still bad because I would either stay quiet or try to dominate the conversation trying to talk about what I like. And a bit more recently I would stick to people who did like me, until I think I did something wrong and that was when I isolate for a while. And when I do speak, I can talk about weird stuff and get enthusiastic.

I don't know, I'm not really into heavy accusation gossiping or Katseye (no hatred, just not a huge fan) or whatever they do, so I end up looking weird to them. I'm fine now, but sometimes I think they don't like me, so I keep that thought with me, so it hurts a little less. I mean, one person in India probably didn't like me at all, her rival told me. Some people may not like me, you know? And honestly, I have thought about becoming normal. I just find it hard to lie about it.

Just, maybe friendships and me were never meant to be.

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