cycle of avoidance
The story
I figured out the name for what I do about a month ago, when my therapist said the words "cycle of avoidance" and I felt caught. She wasn't even talking about my relationship, she was talking about my inbox. But it's the same thing. I avoid the hard conversation, I feel relief, the relief teaches me that avoiding works, and the actual problem gets a little bigger while I'm busy feeling better. I've been doing that with Jordan for most of our four years together, and I think it's finally costing us.
It started small. In 2023 we had one really bad fight about money, the kind with a slammed door, and afterward I decided I never wanted to feel that again. So the next time something came up, her mom staying with us for three weeks, I just didn't bring it up. The weeks passed, her mom left, nothing exploded. And my brain filed that away as a win. Silence worked. Every time since then I've chosen silence, and every time it felt like keeping the peace.
Except now the list of things we don't talk about is long. The lease renewal that's due December 1. Whether we want kids, which we haven't said a single word about since a drunk conversation in 2024. The fact that she's been going to bed at 9:30 and I stay up until 1 because the hour alone is the only time I'm not managing the silence. We sit on the same couch every night, maybe two feet apart, and it feels like we live in different apartments.
Last Thursday I actually tried. I'd practiced it on the drive home, the whole speech about wanting to talk about December and about us. I got as far as "hey, can we talk about something" and she looked up and said "is it bad?" and I said "no, nothing, never mind, I'll do the dishes." That's the cycle in one sentence. The second I saw worry on her face I bailed, felt that familiar relief, and hated myself about ten minutes later while scrubbing a pan.
The worst part is that she asked me, two weeks ago, "are we okay?" and I said "yeah, just tired." I've replayed that alot. That was her opening the door, and I closed it because I didn't want the conversation to happen on a night I wasn't ready for. I'm never ready. Thats the whole point of the pattern, ready never comes.
So I'm asking people who've been stuck in a cycle of avoidance with someone they love: how did you actually break it? Not "just communicate," I know that. I mean the first sentence. What did you say when you'd spent years saying nothing, and did it go as badly as your brain told you it would?
