insecurity in relationship
The story
I keep typing insecurity in relationship into search bars like the search results are gonna tell me why I am acting like this. My boyfriend Evan has never cheated, never hidden some secret girlfriend, and never given me a clear reason to distrust him. This whole mess started with his running app. I am losing my mind over colored GPS lines, which is pretty damn embarrassing 😬
At 6:20 after work, his run notification popped up while I was making pasta. Evan usually follows the river path, but the map showed a longer loop past the old warehouse. It added three extra miles, and Maya from his office was tagged again. When I asked how the run was, he said, "Maya wanted more distance, so I went with her." His voice was normal. I still stared at him like he had confessed something.
Now I check the app whenever Evan runs. I zoom into the GPS trace, compare their split pace, look at who gave kudos, and study the little route heat map. If their cadence lines look close, my brain says intimacy. If Maya comments fast, my brain says she was waiting. I even use my laptop browser because Evan might notice me opening his profile on my phone. I know how creepy that is;
Every harmless thing is becoming evidence in my stupid fake case. Maya left a shoe emoji under a run, and I decided it was flirting. Evan put his phone face down at lunch, and suddenly that meant he was hiding her messages. He said the app suggested the warehouse loop through its route generator, but I heard it as a rehearsed excuse. Their pace matched because they ran together. Obviously. My brain turns basic running metrics into some bullshit affair spreadsheet anyway.
There is plenty pointing the other way. Maya is training for a marathon and runs with other coworkers too. Evan showed me an office photo where she was standing with her girlfriend. Their messages that I have accidentally seen were about project tickets, weather, and whether the river path was muddy. Evan leaves his phone charging in the kitchen and tells me when Maya joins him. He even asked if I wanted to come sometime, but I hate running and said no.
The ugly part is that Evan is still acting like Evan, while I am becoming sneaky and rude. He mentioned sore calves, and I snapped, "Maybe stop doing extra loops with Maya then." He looked confused and asked what my problem was. I said work had annoyed me. So now I am lying because I cannot admit I built an audit trail from his public running profile. That feels more damaging than anything he has actually done.
I could ask Evan directly why he keeps choosing that route with her, but then I either hide the monitoring or admit all of it. Deleting the app would not fix much because I already know his profile is public. I also do not want to accuse him when the actual facts are boring as hell. Should I tell him my insecurity in relationship has gotten this bad, or stop checking and keep my mouth shut?
