How much more should I pay?

Dear Stranger,

I hope you are doing good. I’ve been carrying something heavy for months and it’s time to toss it into the ocean. In March, my ex-boyfriend broke up over text a few days after our one-month anniversary. We fought because I brought up my issues, and he suddenly ended it, refusing to sort things out. He said "lets be good friends," which felt downgrading. I am 25, he was my first kiss, and I was deeply emotionally connected. When I sent crying notes explaining why I couldn’t be friends, he claimed I scared him, said he had a 107 fever, and said he never wanted to date me anyway. I scolded him back, but I always went back and genuinely apologized, though he never did. Instead, he told me I was toxic, that people will leave me, and I ended up going back to him.

In April, I travelled to his city to for work and met him. That night, I missed my train and had to stay with him. I want to remember that I was the one who begged him and asked him to kiss me in the car just so I could get some closure. Because I missed my train, I asked him to please understand my situation, but he just scolded me and called me stubborn. Before that, he told me that his own ex had caused him so much pain, which is why he became rude and toxic now. He said he liked me and wanted to try again, but only after December. I felt so scared inside, and my gut told me that a relationship wouldn't actually happen and that I would just suffer, so I begged and we went to a room. While kissing, I asked him to remove his shirt because he had seen me exposed before but I had never seen him that way. Then he asked me to undress, and I did. He asked me to perform intimate acts multiple times, and I did it. He asked to go all the way, but I explicitly said no because it was my first time, it wasn't the right environment, there was no protection, and he was scolding me. I was terrified inside, and that is why I kept giving in to what he wanted, because I thought since I initiated the kissing, I was obligated to do it. When I said no to going all the way, he got irritated, said I was attacking his manhood, and threatened to leave the room. I got really scared but I still said no. He came back, asked again, and I did it. Then I asked him to do something for me too. He refused, saying men don't do that for women(men dont go down on women and women will only feel good when they have s*x). I thought it was just his preference, so I asked him to at least use his hands because it was all one-sided and I was starting to feel really bad inside. I told him I had never done it to myself and begged him to go really slow because I was already scared and needed him to relax my nerves. He didn't. He was irritated, told me it would be painful, and touched me very roughly and quickly. It was deeply painful and terrifying. I told him to stop and asked him to go slow, but he just did the same thing and got irritated with me. When I said stop, he did finally stop, turned around, and went to sleep.He didnt let me stop fo rhim until he feels good but for me its my problem and only s*x will make me god. But that night, he told me words that hurt me even more than the physical pain: "Remember you are the one who initiated, who consented. Don't tell this to your friends. Don't come to me after this for a relationship, let's just be casual FWB. You are the one who did this. I already told you if something happens, what if you blame me? See, now you shouldn't." In the morning, I was exhausted, and when he asked again, I just gave did again, booked a cab, and left.

Even when he said never to tell anyone, I did tell my friends and they scolded him (with me) and my therapist explicitly called it coercion. The truth hit me like hell, and the physical pain lasted a day. I confronted him because I was having severe panic attacks, but he claimed I consented and threatened that he had a voice recording. I didn't care because I always openly admitted I initiated. I blocked him, but felt bad for breaking down and relying on my friends, who eventually told me I became toxic and isolated me. From July to September, I tried to end my life multiple times, though I stopped myself each time, yet I kept textting him out of habit.

When we were dating, he wanted a team for his startup, so I arranged it for him. After he broke up with me, everyone said he only came to me just to use me for that team. I felt really bad and later asked him if he only dated me because of my degree or for the team, and he denied it. Yet, even during these past months when we were supposedly trying to be friends, he never once initiated a casual text conversation with me. It was always me textting him first. The only time he ever actually reached out on his own was when he needed some kind of professional help from me. It made me feel like the only reason he kept me around was because he wanted to use my brain and my connections. But my brother is actually working with him in that startup and completely validated reality for me. They had a massive, explosive fight because my ex handles everything so terribly. My brother told him, "Fuck it, if you have an issue we will resign," and the entire startup team threatened to walk out. My brother came to me and said, "How the hell did you love this guy? He is an asshole. He talks rubbish and has absolutely no respect for women. He literally told us he doesn't want women on the startup team because they don't work well. He is a complete misogynist. If he makes any mistake, it’s never his fault, but if we do anything, he shouts at us and gets incredibly rude." Two days after that fight, because his business was in danger, my ex finally apologized to the team, claiming he was just frustrated because his other businesses were losing money and his startup hadn't launched yet. I realized he only apologizes when his professional interests are threatened, but he takes his frustration out on me for free.

Even through all of this, during these months, whenever I did try to bring up the topic of that night, he actually did apologize later on. He would say sorry, but because he apologized, I always ended up feeling terrible inside. I felt bad because I kept bringing it up to him, and I kept thinking I should just leave it alone. I worried that he would feel really bad if I kept bringing these things up to him. He himself told me that it's been months, we are adults, and I should forget about it because he has already apologized so many times.

When I recently texted him saying I was coming to his state for work and asked to meet, he replied incredibly rudely, saying "why would I meet you." We got into a big fight and he threatened to block me. I shot back sharply, saying, "Won't that hurt your manicure or something?" It felt good to stand up to him, but a few days later, I texted him again playfully, saying "you didn't block me yet," just trying to be funny the way I am with my real friends. He took it seriously, and we fought again. I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore because he is too rude, and asked him to block me because I keep coming back to text him. I stopped talking to him, but yesterday was his birthday, and because I thought his birthday was a day earlier, I went to Instagram to wish him.

When I texted him happy birthday, he told me it was actually tomorrow. I playfully said, "Oh shit, okay, use it for tomorrow, yeah uncle." It was just a joke because he was turning 27, but he got completely serious and turned it into a massive fight, telling me I don't know how to respect people. I told him he gives no respect and expects it back, which is a double standard. The funny thing is, whenever he uses sarcasm or plays around, it's totally fine, but when I try to be funny the exact same way I am with my real friends, he makes it a crime. I do it every time, and it is a total puzzle because sometimes he is completely chill and jolly about it, and other times he explodes like this. I never know which version of him I am going to get. During this fight, that night in April came up again, and he said: "You trapped me. I begged you to go back but you missed your train. You are the one who consented and initiated, yet you are blaming me. Every time I sit and think about it, you are the one who did wrong, not me. I even have a recording if you want to listen, I didn't want to do anything but you were coming onto me again and again." I was completely shocked. I told him, "What the fuck are you talking about? Yes, I initiated, consented, and missed my train, but that doesn't mean you can behave like shit with me. It took me months to recover. You do not get to play the victim because I am the one who suffered, had panic attacks, and wanted to end my life, while you slept peacefully." I reminded him that he had tried to end his life when his ex left him, yet now he was weaponizing my struggles against me, calling me a crazy person, a psychopath, and saying my bad mental state is why I tried to kill myself. I told him to go to hell and fuck off.

He actually called and texted me that same night, saying "Listen, okay I am sorry, I am just having a bad time." Even after scolding him, I still felt bad inside. I told him I am a human being too, that I don't understand why he suddenly gets so angry, and that we should never bring that night up again because we both did wrong to each other. I told him I will always hate him for that night, and he could hate me if he wants. He coldly replied, "You do you, I won't, I don't hate people," trying to act superior. I just said "whatever man, this is my first time living," wished him a happy birthday again, and yesterday night I texted him asking "how was your day birthday boy," and then I locked his chat away.

Why am I writing this to you, stranger? I am writing this because I finally want to toss the memory away and never look back. I know you might think I did things wrong too, and I myself say yes, I did wrong. I made mistakes. But I paid my price. I didn't know any better back then. I just don't understand why I am the only one who has to keep paying the price. I have a top university degree, a massive exam coming up, and I desperately need to secure a job and make my 2026 better. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

So, if this is a soap opera and the female lead doing this like this stupid what would people will think ?

IDK

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