Manipulative Boyfriend
The story
Hi everyone,
I’m very confused and I don’t know what to do. I have deteriorating mental health, and I also try to find the best in others and I always have so much empathy for others. I always care so much about other people and I take it towards myself to help them, even though it doesn’t concern me. Due to recent experiences, I now see just how easy I make it for people to take advantage of me. My boyfriend and I have been together for around a month. We are young, and we fell for each other fast, and we fell for each other hard. We are very similar in some ways, but different in others. When we first got together, I thought I was so lucky to have him. He came into my life when I was the most desperate, and he turned out to be so sweet and loving, I thought he could have been the best guy I could ever ask for. He seemed to always care about how I feel, he wanted to make me feel like the best girl in the world. I like to express my thoughts in writing, and I’ve written so so many messages about how much I love and appreciate him and all that he does for me. But naturally, sometimes we make playful sarcastic jokes. I’m okay with it! I know he’s joking, because I know he loves me. He and I used to worry I wouldn’t remember that due to my crippling self doubt and low self esteem, but now I’m thinking, he’s the one who needs to be reminded! Naturally, he’s a teenage boy, and he has a huge ego while also being super insecure. Anytime I say something that slights threatens his sense of superiority, he switches up on me. He acts as if I didn't write or say every kind word I’ve ever wrote or said, and instead makes me feel like I’m a horrible person (My biggest fear is being a horrible person) over a simple joke. Jokes he says to me all the time. Usually, these misunderstandings clear up quickly as we communicate, but yesterday, it was more than I could handle.
I made a joke in a group chat about how he didn’t want to go on a date with me. Thats already one thing, It’s not even that he couldn’t, he tells me all the time he is free all the time, he complains about not being able to see me, makes me feel terrible about it, and when I finally make an opportunity I’m content with, he simply didn’t want to go out with me yesterday. Immediately I apologized for what I said, I knew he found jokes like that hurtful and I deeply regretted what I said. I broke down. He didn’t handle his anger very well, especially when he knew I would get upset, almost as if he wanted me to get so upset - but that can’t be true, it won’t be true. Because all he tells me all the time is how much he loves me, how he wants me to get better, and I don’t think he would ever want to jeopardize that. He started with texting me “its fine, I don’t want to talk anymore, go to bed”. Typically, I would immediately give him the attention he so deeply wanted, and I would’ve began trying to fix things, when he hasn’t even apologized to me yet, he wrote : “i get you’re sorry, but I’m still mad, so just forget about it, maybe I’ll be more forgiving tomorrow, i dont care so you shouldn’t either”. I think we both knew how truly both of us cared a lot. Fortunately, I was too busy breaking down to my mom and sister and I left him on read. That’s an important detail because he saw how I wasn’t immediately giving attention like usual, and so he kept going. And it made me feel so so much worse. He texted a paragraph about how he didn’t understand why he acts in such ways, how much I deserve better than him, I should just leave him, he hates himself and he wishes he was a good person. He has never been so vulnerable with me, and I really appreciated that, and I really wanted to help change his mind - but my mom and my sister thought differently. They showed me how this is another desperate attempt to manipulate me into making him feel better about himself. If he truly cared about how I felt, he would’ve broken up with me, but instead he wanted to make me make the decision, because he knew I would never have it in me to leave him. Sometimes, he genuinely treats me unfairly and it so mentally exhausting. Where my mom and I see differently is that I believe he wants to change, and my mom believes he will never change. Because guess what, after spewing all of that, and again I read it but didn’t reply, he switched up AGAIN. He was very sorry, he wrote how grateful he was for me and how badly he wants to make it up to me and how much he loves me. Maybe it’s the manipulation and love bombing thats manipulating me once again, but this gives me hope that he truly does care, and he wants to change for me, and he wants to become a better person. And I want
to help him, I want to grow with him, no matter how draining it could get. My mom and sister and I came up with a straight forward simple reply. Addressing the overreaction, how his reaction manipulates me and makes me feel, and how I wish he could react differently since it is unhealthy for both of us. We’ve resolved the moment and the harsh feelings, but I don’t know how to go about this today. He replied thanking me for my honesty, and how much he wants to get better for me. I want to give him a chance.
I think I’ve decided that I will, and I want to grow as people together,
Can anyone give me suggestions on how to go about this today? This all happened last night, and I want to confront him today morning. Either beginning of the day or second half
Of the day.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Hey there, wow, sounds like you're going through a lot right now! 😮 It's amazing how much empathy and care you show towards others—even when it seems they're not treating you with the same kindness. Relationships can be tough, especially when emotions are all over the place, but it’s important to recognize when someone’s behavior is making you uncomfortable or causing distress. Like your mom and sister pointed out, it's crucial to make sure you’re not being manipulated into excusing bad behavior. Staying honest and communicating openly about how you're feeling is a great step forward! Maybe having a calm heart-to-heart with him could help both of you clarify what needs work in the relationship? Make sure to take care of yourself too!!! your mental health is just as important in this journey. Good luck! 😊
Thank you so so much! Yeah I completely understand, I think I have been consistently dismissing his actions just because I didn’t want him to get upset. It’s something he’s been asking from me too, to be more honest about if he’s hurting me or not so that he could become a better person and a better partner. I think I will prioritize my feelings more, because now I see how beneficial it would be to the relationship as a whole, and maybe it isn’t as selfish as I thought. Thank you so much! I have come to a lot of realizations as I think right now and you have helped
me find some confidence! Thank you so much!
hey, it sounds like you're in a bit of a whirlwind with all this. relationships, especially new ones, can be so intense and full of emotions that it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs. i totally understand wanting to help someone you care about but remember to protect your own peace as well. something i've learned is that it's important for both partners to work on themselves individually too—when each person is mentally strong, the relationship benefits as well. maybe suggesting some activities you both enjoy or finding mutual goals could foster growth without making it feel burdensome? just keep listening to your instincts and take things one step at a time. wishing you strength and clarity!
Hi! Thank you soo much! I really appreciate this! Yeah, I totally forgot to mention this is like my first relationship ever😅 so i definitely think I have more feelings of trying to save it and make sure everything is perfect than normal. I will definitely think about some mutual goals we can set, that for sure sounds like a reasonable way to improve things without ending the relationship! Thank you so so much!!
Hey, it seems like this is similar to a situation I had awhile ago and there were a couple things I think could be helpful to you today/going forward. For context, I'm male and deal with borderline disorder so I'm used to relationships feeling intense.
1). It doesn't seem like either of you are trying to hurt each other. Lovebombing, vague statements, hurtful jokes, and getting angry at eachother can hurt a relationship, but you're both human and these things happen. What's important is that it looks like you are both *open* to forgiveness and a healthy relationship. I think that shows that this might not be "manipulation" so much as it is "instability" or "poor boundary management".
2). Intense relationships cause instability, but you can fix this. When you have very intense feelings of joy/love/excitement, dopamine spikes in your brain to reward you, but your brain needs to maintain a balance so afterwards dopamine will drop. In relationships, this means the more you care about someone, the more often you'll have strong negative emotions to deal with, and it makes relationships unstable. What you should do instead is introduce limits and consistency. If you intend to continue dating this person, you should both communicate a couple of things you are unwilling to go without, a couple things you won't give up for eachother, and a couple things which you are both open to exploring with proper communication. For consistency, try greeting and leaving rituals. For example: you call, say a set greeting and every time you leave you say "talk to you tommorrow/this weekend/etc" just be consistent and be able to agree on when you'll talk next.
3). It seems like your boyfriend has some serious self-esteem issues. These are not your issues to deal with, but be aware of the verbiage you use. It's clear that you care about him, but that the way he behaves feels antagonizing. I don't think it's "male ego" or a "desperate attempt for attention", whatever it is, it's personal. It seems like you'd like to recognize the "issue" so you can help him but doing that means attributing your own perceptions onto someone else's character. My advice, ask what he thinks he should do for himself to be a better person by his own metrics and be supportive.
4). Recognize that things are unstable but don't make that your relationship. It seems like your boyfriend has self esteem issues, and you might be struggling with distance in your relationship. This can be exhausting. Either of you are equally valid to be tired or stressed out by this. Just hang in there, and find things you can do together that don't cause stress (find a show you can both talk about/play a game together/share some music). Also, when you take space for yourself, just be clear and open about it.
These are just some things from the other side that might help you understand how your boyfriend is feeling. Hopefully this helps, good luck to you!
Thank you so much! This was very helpful insight!