so here's the thing, i moved back to my hometown a couple of months ago thinking i would feel more connected and loved but instead it feels like i'm even further away than ever. it's strange because on the surface everything seems fine: i've got friends around, family is near (heck, they even bring me food sometimes!). but still, this nagging feeling won't go away. maybe it's just me overthinking, who knows? but there's something about how people interact with me that's so different now. everyone seems polite and nice but distant too... if that makes any sense.

recently i was out at dinner with some old friends from school days. we laughed, shared stories and memories... like good ol' times right? halfway through the evening though, it hit me hard that none of them really knew what was going on in my life these past years. they asked questions sure (and the usual "how's life treating you?" spiel) but their eyes glazed over when i started talking about what's been keeping me busy or excited recently. there was this moment when one friend checked their phone for messages while I was mid-sentence and it just crushed something inside.

maybe my expectations were too high coming back here thinking things would be like before or better maybe?. people have their own lives moving forward without pause while mine seemed somewhat stuck hoping for familiar comfort instead.

i did talk to my older brother about it all once during our weekend barbecue last month (since he’s someone who makes time to actually listen) and he told some stories from his college days relating similar feelings after reunions with his gang... that helped lighten up a bit as we grilled burgers together sipping sodas beneath swaying trees in backyard sunshine!

so yeah! here I am sitting typing this out wondering why on earth do these connections evaporate this way! is it just part of getting older... where we become ghosts haunting memories more than living parts of each other's present moments? or am i missing some social secret sauce recipe allowing others seemingly navigate these waters effortlessly?

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