I don’t really care for my mother anymore
The story
My mom went out of the country for a trip to Bali. She’s coming back today at 20:00, or 8 pm. She’s been texting me, saying how much she misses me and loves me but I just can’t reciprocate the feeling.
It’s not like I never loved her; I have before but it died the moment she chose our abuser over me. I guess I can backtrack and give story.
I have been and still am mentally and emotionally abused by adults. No, I can’t say anything about it because when I do I get shit like this:
“Well you’re not being physically abused so..”
“People have it way worse.”
“If you actually wanted to die then you would’ve killed yourself already.”
Yep. Those are actual statements said by my abuser and one by my own mother. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the last one lol. Apparently since I wasn’t physically beaten then I have nothing to complain about.
This isn’t the first adult she let mentally and emotionally abused me. But no matter the times I cried, complained and spoke up. She always chose them over me.
You know the greatest lie she told me? “I’ll always protect you.” Such bullshit that is.
Oh but it doesn’t matter because first time moms always mess up, I should be more lenient.
Fuck off with that shitty mindset. Her “mistakes” costed me my fucking childhood and you want to sit here and pity her? The fuck?
What about me?
I’m overlooked because I don’t have visible scars. I’m overlooked because I’m just a kid who “knows no better?” I’m overlooked because I have nothing to complain about since I have food and shelter? I’m overlooked because I should just sit up and take it or otherwise it’s disrespectful. I’m overlooked because my experience isn’t seen as worthy enough to be considered; only appear as “inconveniences.”
Yea, it’s such a fucking inconvenience that I still have nightmares about my abuser, I still get flashbacks and I still feel uncomfortable and scared around people who remind me of her. Yea, what a big fat fucking inconvenience that is.
I say all those because I have nothing left for my mother. I’m no longer around and associated with my abuser but my mom is my new abuser now. It’s weird.
She does this thing where she puts me and my abuser together all because we share the same zodiac sign. But if I complain? I’m disrespectful. She vents to me as if I have some solution and when I vent to her she shuts me down because what I’m complaining about is the way she treats me.
She calls me a manipulator and claims I’m gaslighting because I’m explaining myself; which she also doesn’t give me the effort to do because she just shuts me down.
For example, I have extreme social anxiety. we were in a crowded store and I had a panic attack. I was on the verge of tears and she got irritated with me when I wanted to go back home. You know what she did in the car? She called my aunt and victimize herself, telling her all the bad things that happened to her and pained me as if I was some disrespectful trouble maker.
In addition, she said she force me in situations that I’m clearly uncomfortable in, so SHE can feel sure of herself. Not that I can feel sure, but her. Everything she does its always about her, her, her, yet claims she loves me?
I don’t have the energy to deal with my mom when she comes back. I don’t even have the energy to fake excitement. I just can’t wait until I leave this house and never look back.
