Is my wife narcissistic
The story
My wife gave me(also female) an ultimatum 2 years ago to take her sick mother in or she would choose to leave me for her mother. In hindsight. I should have left. But I didn’t bc I love my wife. It’s been a rough 2 years. Hasn’t felt like much of a marriage. More just like roommates who say I love you. Fast forward 2 years. Her mom needs a lung transplant. If any of you have been through any process like this. It is long. It is hard. It is draining. And you need A LOT of things to get listed. Medically alone. I do not think she will be eligible. But aside from that. They look into your finances. We already live paycheck to paycheck. (I have 2 kids from previous relationships that obviously cost money as well). Her mom basically turned our living room into a hospital room. And the other thing they look into is having multiple caregivers available whenever, if ever the transplant happens. To rotate 24/7 care for 3-6 months. All 4 of her siblings said no. As they did when she got sick and needed help. I knew it would be a no again. So she turns to me. On my birthday of all days. And tells me that if I’m not in it 100% with her. Then I should just leave now. She is not my mom. She is not my problem. She knows how I have felt about it from the beginning. And I cannot take that time off of work. If SHE takes that unpaid time off of work. We will not be able to pay rent. If I ALSO take that time off. We will be living in our cars. This is an absurd thing to ask of me. I know she’s desperate to save her mom. But they are enmeshed. And honestly. Medically I don’t think she will be eligible. So again. Willing to throw me out for her mom. I’m sure you can imagine all of the things that have gone on for the last 2 years. This is just the most recent. Thank you for listening.
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Points of view
Man, that's a tough pickle you're in. It sounds like your wife's treating you more like a life preserver than a partner? Balancing love and practicality ain't easy, especially when it feels like you're doing it on a tightrope without a net. I get wanting to support her but asking you to just become jobless isn't realistic given your situation with the kids and all; I really think she's gotta hear that loud and clear.✌️ That's some pressure she laid on you for sure!
I agree. Even just her being off work without pay for that long will destroy us. But both of us???? I mean honestly if she misses one week without work/pay we fight to make ends meet. If she took off 3-6 months… I’d have no option other than to take my kids and find a place I can afford alone. I cannot have that worry. Especially bc of the kids.
It sounds like a very difficult situation, but have you considered seeking external help or counseling? Sometimes an outside perspective can reveal options you might not have thought of. You deserve support too in such trying times.
That's a great idea. Professional support might really help!
We are actually both in individual counseling and supposed to start couples counseling soon but haven’t picked a date.
Wow... I get wanting to be there for your partner, but asking you to gamble all your financial stability? Feels like you're being pushed into an impossible spot. 🙄 It's not just about love; there's gotta be some practicality involved. My buddy once told me "when it rains, it pours," and this sounds like a downpour of epic proportions; Maybe it's time to reassess what's sustainable long-term, beyond just emotions.
I very much agree. I get wanting to save her mom. But not if it means we are all at risk of losing our home and jobs.
wow, that's a rough situation you're dealing with!!! it sounds like you're caught between a rock and a hard place here. your situation feels incredibly unbalanced, especially when you're being asked to make such life-changing sacrifices. i get that you love her and want to be there for her but taking care of two kids already has its own challenges! it's important to have an open dialogue about how this is affecting the whole family dynamic (and see if there's maybe some other solution). seems like your wife needs to remember that while love is powerful, it doesn't pay the rent or keep groceries on the table!!!
Wow, what a mess you're tangled up in. It sounds like your wife isn't seeing the whole picture here, focusing too much on her mom without considering the massive impact on you and the kids. I get it, it's her mom and she’s desperate but expecting you to risk homelessness for this isn’t fair to anyone involved. At some point, something's gotta give... maybe if all those siblings pitch in just a tiny bit more instead of leaving everything on your shoulders? It's like they're sitting comfy while you're stuck holding everything together with duct tape!
Dang, that is such a heavy situation you're dealing with. 😵💫 Honestly, sounds like your wife’s priorities are mega out of whack, putting her mom's needs above everything else including basic survival. I've seen relationships hit rocky patches when family gets involved, and this one seems to be at a breaking point. Have you had a sit-down chat where everything's laid on the table? Maybe putting all the financial realities out in plain sight could help her see just how unsustainable this setup is. 🚨 Also, if she's not seeing any reason now after two crazy years together, it might never click for her unless something major changes. You gotta protect yourself and your kiddos too!
I once found myself in a tough spot when my partner wanted to support his brother financially, even though we were barely scraping by ourselves, and it was brutal balancing love with the harsh realities of our bank account.
why didn't the siblings step up to help at all?
seriously, what are they doing?
Damn, this seems like a straight-up impossible situation. Balancing your marriage and your responsibilities to your kids is already tough without throwing this wild curveball at you. You didn't marry her mom and shouldn't have all this pressure put on you like it's just expected! It sounds like she needs to seriously reconsider what's reasonable here because sacrificing your entire family's stability isn't the answer. Can't put love in the bank... Maybe there's a halfway point where both of y'all aren't getting totally wrecked by this? Worth discussing for sure.
man, that sounds unbelievably stressful, like when my cousin moved in with us for "just a few weeks," which turned into months of trying to juggle everything without losing it 😂, and while family is important, there's gotta be a limit before your own life gets completely derailed.
it sounds like you're really being asked to shoulder an overwhelming burden, and while your wife's feelings for her mom are valid, so are yours about ensuring a stable environment for your kids.
Is this sustainable?..
the emotional toll this must be taking on you is significant, and it’s frustrating when communication hits a wall; have you considered discussing alternative care options for her mom that don't directly involve sacrificing your financial stability, like maybe exploring community resources or reaching out to local support groups for guidance?
wow, what an intense tornado you're stuck in... your wife's just acting like leaving her job for months is no biggie when really it sounds impossible given your situation right now. have you all considered maybe finding community support or local resources that might help with the caregiving side of things? like sometimes churches or agencies step up where family won’t, especially with such challenging stuff, and it could ease some pressure off both your backs if that’s available. either way keeping things open is critical 'cause it's a rough patch but can't crack forever without breaking apart.
wow, this is really a rough spot you're in; kind of like being caught between a rock and a hard place. it's so tough when love and practicality just clash like this, right? it's like no matter what choice you make, someone ends up getting hurt or losing out. honestly, having gone through something similar with my own family (although not quite as intense), i totally get how overwhelming balancing those caregiver demands can be while trying to keep the household running smoothly too!! maybe there's some community resources or extended relatives who could help lighten the load a bit? sometimes an external viewpoint can bring fresh options you might not see when you're knee-deep in it.