i dont have friends
The story
i dont have friends, and i found out because a medical office sent me a check-in form for an appointment next week. the form opened on my phone and listed me as the emergency contact. my own name, my own number, my own stupid profile picture. the appointment is at 2:30, and this form was supposed to be quick. instead i sat on the edge of my bed with my thumb over the contact button and my face getting hot. i kept thinking there had to be somebody obvious that i was forgetting;
i opened my contacts and scrolled through names that looked familiar but useless. there was Maria from a pottery class, an old roommate who moved away, and a guy saved as Kevin Plumber even though he was not actually a plumber. some message threads ended with me saying i would catch up soon. i never did. none of those people could reasonably be asked to leave work or speak for me after a medical problem. the contact list looked full, which somehow made the empty form feel worse.
i considered putting Jen from billing. we stand near the copier sometimes, and she knows i use oat milk because she saw me ruin a coffee with it. she had said, "good luck with that appointment," when i mentioned leaving early. that is basically the full extent of our relationship. i typed her name into the box anyway, then deleted it because i do not know her home address or whether she would even answer an unknown call. asking without warning felt rude. entering it without asking felt completely ridiculous.
i have spent six months calling this independence. i say i enjoy eating lunch in my car by the loading dock because the break room is loud. i tell coworkers i am busy when they mention drinks, then i go home and clean the same kitchen counter. to be fair, i do like quiet, and i did choose many of those evenings. still, choosing quiet does not explain why nobody came to mind for that form. the word independent has been doing a lot of work for me, and frankly it is tired.
i called the office and politely asked what to enter. the receptionist clicked her keyboard and said, "you may leave it blank for now." i thanked her, hung up, and stared at the blank box beside the $40 copay receipt. relief showed up, but so did shame. nobody at the office was judging me. Jen had no idea i almost assigned her a serious job. the whole event stayed private, which is convenient because keeping everything private is apparently how i got here.
i could message Maria, but opening with an emergency contact request after all that silence would be wild. i could ask Jen to get coffee after work and not mention the form at all. both options feel formal and fake in my head, even though people probably become friends through awkward little asks like that. please be blunt, because i cannot tell whether this form exposed a real problem or just caught me on a bad day. should i ask Jen for coffee, or am i overreacting because i dont have friends?
