I have not moved a forward in life since 3 years ago.

My mental health has always been a shit show and it has caused me to be a bad person to the people around me sometimes. I've also always had a kind of bad/dysfunctional relationship with my parents.

3 years ago, I lost my support system presumably because of something I did. I say presumably because I still don't know what exactly caused it but it might have been a small decision I made that tipped off an amalgamation of grievances between everyone. My support system decided to drop me overnight and I never got closure. I reached out to them to see if this was something that could be talked about because I was confused about it but was met with bullying and ostracization. They said some pretty mean things about me that I fear are now coming true. They told me I would never be able to make real friends and that I would always have a hard time succeeding in life.

This happened closely before I moved to a completely new country where i knew no one and because I was processing my loss, i had a hard time forming connections with anyone else. I'm three years in at a new school and I have no close friends, i have friends that have made it clear to me that i am not part of the "inner circle" and I am borderline being stretched so thin just trying to pass classes. My advisor tells me i might have undiagnosed ADHD but I don't know if I can take another blow to my ego of having a mental illness that can't be rationalized and is just something i have. My relationship with my parents are still no better, if anything only worse due them growing more stubborn with age, and me growing into an adult.

Sometimes, I feel like i was the same person my support system said I would turn out to be and that there is nothing I can do to escape that fate. I've tried hard, out of spite but there's only so much spite can fuel before it starts burning me too.

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