Let me start this by saying I fully acknowledge my behaviors and am no way saying this person is in the wrong.

Today I got one of the worst texts, a message from one of my close friends that I have been offending her and that my behavior has been "aggressive and condescending". I never felt my heart drop like it did then. I've been noticing recently that she has been leaving me out of things and not communicating when she responds to everyone else, which I thought was initially because she's a very busy person but slowly kind of came to the realization that it was likely me that was the problem. I've been talking to my therapist recently about me noticing my friends acting this way and I summed it up to my social anxiety which she also thought made sense because nobody had said anything to me even though I have told them before to please call me out on my behaviors because I often can't tell when I might be giving off certain vibes unintentionally. It's something I often struggle with due to other disorders I have and this is a common occurrence that I do warn people about in an effort to be able to explain or apologize for my behavior and make an effort to change before a situation gets bad. This has happened once before with this friend not too long ago where I said something and quickly realized that I was unintentionally being an asshole and apologized quickly and explained what I actually meant. She has known me for a year now and we haven't had any problems other than that one. At least, until now.

She just texted me, at least 30 minutes before I began to write this expressing her feelings. I was honestly really upset that she feels this way and wrote this back to her:

i appreciate you telling me this. i knew it was me from the start, that’s why i asked if you were okay. it’s something i’ve been working out with my therapist since i have noticed the behavior i’ve been exhibiting. i’m really truely sorry that i’ve been treating you this way. i hope you can understand that i am not doing this intentionally and really want and am putting in the effort to fix my behavior. if i’m being honest i really wish you told me sooner so i could’ve noticed earlier on. if you don’t want to see me this weekend i understand and i’ll give you as much space as you need. if you don’t want to continue this friendship i understand but i would really appreciate a second chance. thank you again for telling me this, i know it’s a lot to deal with and im again very sorry you got caught up in it.

all of what I said here is true. I'm really heartbroken that my unconscious behaviors have brought this about because in the last year I've been really getting better at catching myself before I even show these behaviors. I of course, will not be sharing her initial text for her privacy. we're supposed to get together with our other friends over the weekend for halloween and I'm really nervous I'm going to be uninvited, although I would respect that decision. That's of course not the point. I could honestly care so much less about that stuff, I care that my friend was hurt by my behaviors. everything is making sense to me now though. the ignored texts, not inviting me to things, ignoring me, seeming stressed around me. its all because my stupid fucking brain doesn't register that I'm just a fucking asshole to people for no reason.

I never had many friends. And I'm not being dramatic when I say that most of them end up leaving for one reason or the other, not always things I've done of course, usually just friend groups breaking up. I'm terrified of having to restart. I only have so many people left. Maybe I'm one of those people who aren't meant to have close friends or something like that. Sometimes I think that would be for the better.

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