i... dont even know what to do at this point. everything has been stagnant lately. no matter how much i suffer, or how much i try to change something, it all remains stuck in one spot. ive tried so many things, but none worked...

i have diagnosed clinical moderate depression and anxiety, alongside minor degree of ocd. this is awful. im so tired.

i dont have friends, even though ive tried to strike up a conversation or befriend someone 17 FUCKING TIMES in real life, countless more on the internet. among the hundreds of epople ive talked to, you can count those i liked with your two hands.

i dont have hobbies, even though ive tried to draw 7 times and learn 5 languages, all in different time periods. no matter the effort, or approach, it all vanished in a span of a week or two.

i dont feel like i belong anywhere, even though im present in one online community with great people there that make me smile.

i dont get good grades at school, even though ive tried a whole list of methods on dealing with procrastination, be it scheduling or gathering all willpower thats left. nothing works.

i would feel guilty. only if i could even feel things at all anymore. people around me are great, my mother, my teachers - they are all nice, they try to accomodate for me, but i feel worthless for not even being able to do even the most basic of tasks.

i feel so hollow. i just want to feel again. it hasnt always been thus. i remember the days when i cried. a lot. for even the most insignificant of things. its not anymore. i miss those times. i want to go back. i cant cry anymore. even if i want to. i want to cry almost everyday.

ive hurt people. im so sick of this evil side to me - horny, lustful, freaky, whatever you call it. it all began when my "friend" showed me porn at 4 years old. this experience has changed me a lot. mostly for the worse. i dont like this part, but without it i cant truly feel appreciated and free. with it, i can only experience anxiousness for people that those actions may damage.

i get help. psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists. i take prescribed antidepressants. i dont feel like there are any changes, no matter how much i try.

ive been lacking someone to talk to about everything. life, problems, in general, lately. i have no one to vent to. or talk to for that matter. people seem so superficial, and its me whos the "different" one. they are "normal".

i beg for help. i reach out to those who may give me comfort. its rarely reciprocated.

i have such big capacity to love, care, comfort others. and i do that! whenever someone is in pain i make sure to let them known im there for them if they need someone to talk to. projection, isnt it? i offer others something i could not have. selfless. awesome. i have so many great qualities, but for some reason i can never find anyone to be friends with. am i worse than everyone else? or better? or just different?

im so tired. i dont know what to do, i just want all this numbness to end, i want to feel and live again. this existence is torment. help me please

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