i can't talk
The story
i can't talk when anybody asks me about the accident, and i mean no sound at all. when i am alone in the kitchen, i can tell the cat to move and sing badly while i wash my mug. my voice is plain old normal while the crash stays unmentioned. then my brother walks in and asks what color the light was, and my throat just shuts. i push air out, but there is only a dry click. he looks annoyed, like i decided to play a game.
the part they keep asking about happened at 8:17, when i was standing outside the pharmacy. a delivery van crossed two lanes and hit the driver's side of a small blue car. airbag dust came through the broken window, and the left turn signal kept clicking after everything else stopped. i saw the van driver holding something near the wheel, but i could not tell what it was. the deputy asked if he was looking down before the point of impact. that was when my voice vanished during my witness statement.
dad said, "stop making this a power thing and answer me." mom took my notebook because she said i was hiding behind paper. i had written three pages about the red light, the van, and where i was standing. she thought neat handwriting meant i had planned some secret story. my sister said ignoring spoken questions was rude. i was not ignoring anybody. my neck was tight, my mouth was open, and nothing useful came out. crying made them think i was trying to end the conversation.
now i use notes and phone messages for anything connected to the collision. at dinner mom asked if i knew either driver, so i typed, "i did not know them before the crash." she read it and said it sounded too polished. my thumbs work while my throat wont, that is literally the whole reason it looks polished. i can erase a typo on a screen. i cannot fix air that refuses to become a word. they keep pointing out that i can ask for groceries out loud, like milk has anything to do with the van.
the witness liaison sent me a supplemental statement form and said written answers still count for the case file. that helped a lot. the clinic doctor also said sudden voice loss can be real and wants to look at my vocal cords. i made a voice memo alone in the kitchen with the facts the deputy needed, and every word came out. hearing my own voice explain the broken window made me hopeful. my family heard the recording and said it proved i could speak whenever i wanted. still, the deputy accepted it, so at least somebody understood the difference.
i need my family to read what i send instead of turning my silence into a fight. i am willing to answer every crash question in writing. i even asked them to put questions on my phone so i can type back while they sit nearby. i can nod if they need a quick answer. i think my voice might come back around them if they stop demanding proof from it. what would you do when your family calls it defiance, but i can't talk as soon as they ask about the accident?
