I feel like a horrible person
The story
hi. I don't really want to vent to a friend nor family like my parents and my siblings(they're the closest family to me if I ever refer to family again just know I'm only referring to them) so I'm venting on here. I don't really want to vent to them because I don't want to burden them and I just don't want their advice or reassurance. I just want someone to understand what I'm feeling which I know my friends will but still.
here's why I feel like a horrible person
The thing about me is that I ALWAYS procrastinate until the last minute. It doesn't matter what it is. It's not like I think procrastinatig is cool, anything but that actually. I rather be a hardworking person but everything around me just feel so hard to resist. I feel like I SEEK dopamine 24/7. I barely study like I only study last minute and it feels horrible because I actually gets good grade. I feel like I don't deserve this good of a grade when I clearly see that others that get lower grade than me worked even harder. I know the grade thing will probably change soon and I will mess up one day and finally get something that matches my efforts. I actually happened to get to be a monitress which honestly I don't think people really think it's that big of a deal anymore but I really don't think I deserve it. At first, there was only me but then my class teacher convinced someone else to join. I think I got it because people felt pity for me, I'd definitely vote for the other girl if I wasn't one of the choices. She was hardworking, charismatic and very positive. Loud, cheerful and responsible, that's what a good monitress should be. I feel like the opposite to be honest, I volunteered just because I got a rush of confidence that I'm competent for it and I can improve myself if I were one but I was wrong. I'm such a irresponsible person. I've been late to school many times not because of medical issues but because I woke up late. Sometimes, when I accidentally do something wrong, I'd blame my family members (I mean not really blaming but like for example, "oh, because of 'smth', this happened") I just feel like nobody can rely on me because I'll always mess something up.
Also, I have super random mood swings. I feel like I get mood swings even more lately, and it's not like I want them. I mean who would want to be miserable. I get mad at the smallest shit ever like I'd be pissed if I knew somebody like me. For friends, I don't really act mad IN FRONT of them when they did something that piss me off because I don't want to seem like a horrible person so I just try to brush it off and not talk to them that much since I don't want to accidentally show that I'm mad. For family, I feel a bit more comfortable to express my frustration to because they can't just dump me one day you know. So most of the time, I'll just be acting like an asshole, acting frustrated with a high pitched voice telling them to stop annoying me or like just anything. I love my family so I want to treat them properly but I can't. Fyi, I have good moments with my family I just act like this sometimes.
One more thing, I'm like super shy. I've experienced countless interactions that just felt super embarrassing for me to even think off because they were just horrible. Yesterday, I had a french speaking exam(finals). I tried to convince myself everything would be fine but it was absolutely horrible. I couldn't understand some of the questions and I had the dumbest grammar mistake I could've ever made. After I finished, the teacher told me to call the other person so I did. I didn't want the teachers to notice my tears so I lowered my head then walked out. Unexpectedly, one of the teacher walked into the room and noticed me crying so she comforted me which was nice but didn't really help much.(or did it I'm not sure myself) One thing that really pissed me off was that one of the teacher had a high expectation for me. He even said he'll count on me. The only thing I can think of him right now is that he had an unrealistic expectation for me because I don't only suck at french speaking. I suck at everything related to speaking in general. Some of my friends texted me if I was fine and honestly I don't know. After I went home, I immediately got online and asked an online best friend to game. We talked and stuff. I did feel better afterwards.
I'll be connecting that accident to another quality I have. I CAN'T THINK CRITICISM AT ALL. I mean I knew I did something wrong but then I'll just say ok in a natural tone then crash out(be mad and cry ugly) by myself later. I actually appreciate comments about improving myself but I just cringe every time I read them. My English teacher would always put comments for writings and honestly I can't read them at all but I need to do I just silently cringe while looking at the comments. A part of me probably thinks I'm better than everyone which I don't think so. (this is so contradictory) Like I'm just so overly sensitive. It's even annoying me.
Probably the last point I'll mention here today, I honestly can't see why anyone would want to be friends with me. When I ask my friends why do they want to be friends with me, they often reply with a you're kind. I don't see it at all after all that points I've made do you, yes you the reader actually think I'm kind?. Sure, I've done many things for my friends but that's just basic courtesy compared to things they've done for me. I even reply to my friends text late sometimes just because I don't have the energy to text them.
By the way, I don't know why I do these or feel like this because I don't think I grew up with a abusive household or anything. I didn't grow up with the best parents ever but I think they're good compared to others. I didn't get bullied. I have supportive friends. but honestly I don't really think I have a lot of friends I mean like my friends would help but I'm probably not their no.1 choice if you know what I mean. It's like I'm left alone. I don't know why I'm SUPER shy. I've never asked to be shy, I want to be confident. I don't think I have social anxiety or anything because I can interact with my friends just fine. I don't want to exaggerate anything because I know they are billions of people suffering more than I'll ever be so yeah. This is the end of my rant, pretty long but I got it off my chest.
Am I overthinking it?
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Points of view
wow, it sounds like you're going through a lot right now and honestly, who isn't dealing with some sort of personal crisis these days? the whole procrastination thing? super relatable because who doesn't end up doing that sometimes, right? guilt over grades; it's like the classic "I did nothing but still aced it" dilemma—been there. those mood swings, though; might want to check that out, maybe it's more common than you think. don't even talk to me about awkward social interactions, 'cause we've all got a reel of those playing in our heads. the whole "can't take criticism" bit—totally get it, sometimes it's like "oh cool, thanks for the input" while you're dying a little inside. but hey, your friends say you're kind, why not believe them? sounds like you're being too hard on yourself here, chill out a bit maybe?🔍
You’re not a horrible person, you are being way too hard on yourself for a very common human experience. But it does sound like you need some support and maybe some strategies that would help you out with school and life. You are not horrible, and it’s hard but it might help to give yourself some slack. Telling and beating yourself up to get better and more productive only gets you so far. Find kindness for yourself and understand why you might be doing certain things.
hey, sounds like you’re dealing with quite a bit there! honestly, procrastination is something most of us struggle with; it’s not easy to shake off when everything is a distraction 🤷♂️ getting good grades without feeling like you worked for it can mess with your head, but remember everyone has their strengths. it's wild how we end up feeling guilty about things like that. mood swings happen; might be worth keeping an eye on, yeah? the bit about blaming others when things go wrong... honestly, that's all of us at some point. “to err is human,” right? 😅 people see kindness in you, maybe try believing them a little more. take it easy and hang in there; it’s all part of the ride 🌟
you've articulated your feelings very well in this post. it's completely normal to experience procrastination and feel undeserving of rewards that come easily. many people relate to the struggle of balancing dopamine-seeking behaviors with responsibilities. your concerns about mood swings and sensitivities to criticism are valid; understanding these aspects is the first step towards managing them. while self-reflection is essential, remember that growth comes from acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses. your desire for connection and understanding is a positive sign of self-awareness 😊; you're taking a proactive approach to comprehend your emotions and care about the impact on others. keep focusing on personal development and embracing your journey.
sounds like you're really in a tough spot, and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed by all these emotions. procrastination can be a tough thing to tackle, especially when it's tied up with seeking dopamine and instant gratification. feeling like you're not deserving of good grades can be frustrating, especially when you've seen others working so hard; but remember, the educational system doesn't always measure effort accurately. it's easy to blame others when things go wrong at home when in reality, it's more about handling the stress; the mood swings only make it harder to keep calm. not being able to take criticism, even if constructive, is tough, especially when every comment seems to sting. about your friendships, it's common to wonder why people stick around, but maybe there's more to what they see in you than you realize. sure, you have support, but it sounds like the internal battle is clouding everything else; maybe focusing on understanding why this is happening could help you tackle one thing at a time 😟. hang in there, everyone deals with their own mental load, even if it sometimes feels like you're the only one struggling.
honestly, it seems like you're being too hard on yourself in this situation. we all procrastinate and still manage to get things done; it's not as rare as you make it out to be. grades don't always reflect effort, and that's just how the system works. blaming family or having mood swings – let's be real, everyone does that at some point 😅. stop comparing yourself to others and dwelling on things you can't change. your friends describe you as "kind," which must count for something, right? when it comes to criticism, it's important to remember that growth comes from being uncomfortable. maybe cut yourself some slack for once; nobody's perfect, and you don't have to be either.
dude, i totally get where you're coming from and it's rough. procrastination can seriously mess with your head, making you feel like you're always behind even when you're not; it's like you can't catch a break. your feelings about grades hit home. it's frustrating when effort and results don't match up. mood swings suck big time, especially when they affect how you interact with the fam. your honesty about how you react to criticism is relatable. no one enjoys hearing negative feedback, even if it's supposed to help. but hey, at least you're aware of these things which is more than a lot of people can say. and your friends? if they say you're kind, trust that they mean it. you might not see it, but sometimes we're our own toughest critics. you've got this, just keep pushing through and maybe cut yourself some slack while you're at it 😊.