Loss of control

Written by
ZanyKhakiMetalJabberwockyInAlentejoWithContentment
Published on
Monday, 16 June 2025
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The story

(T.w.: Mentions of Self Harm)

Alright! I had a history of self harm when I was younger, but stopped after a couple of years, but then a couple of months ago I was feeling upset with myself and insane guilt especially when it came to my studying, so I thought of ways I could " punish" myself when i didnt study so that I relieve myself of the intense guilt, like basically consequences for my actions, and my brain was like why not self harm? So I went back to it. It felt so good?,after I finish and sit with the pain I would be reminded that I paid of my dues and thus there is no reason to feel guilty, then I would go study and the pain would be a very nice reminder.

I was always careful, just cutting enough to bleed but not a huge scar, i didnt want anyone to know and think im asking for attention..

BUT one day, same thing happened, I didn't study so I went to self harm then planned to start studying immediately, but I dont know what I did differently that time? I cut myself and suddenly I'm seeing the pink of the dermis and a pretty long cut with lots of blood.. long story short, I needed stitches, had to tell my parents a very odd story of me somehow falling on glass? and went to the doctor.. I didnt even end up getting stitches, because I waited for 3 days before I fessed up and it was too late, but it was infected and so I was put on antibiotics. Very likely I'll scar for life. It felt like I was being branded for my mistakes and the control was taken away from me. I didn't allow myself to think about it for the next 2 weeks... and I couldnt for the life of me get myself to study eventhough I had a very large exam. I hated how it was gapping, how it opened when I moved, I didn't want to see it or feel it. If I try to get myself to get over it I would get these intrusive thoughts of putting a knife into it till I reached the bone. ( I would never ever do that) I didn't care about the wound itself, infact if I got it by an accident or so I wouldnt have been that bothered by it, but the fact that I caused harm, even to my own body this way was so ? Jarring ?? I know its pretty late in the story to mention this, but I am a medical student. It felt like... I didn't deserve to be a doctor, that I can't possibly be.. Eventhough I put so much effort to get in. Anyway back to the story, even when I procrastinated in the past I never lost control as much as I felt this time, and despite the exam looming close I never could get myself to study properly.. so I sorta didn't. Eventhough I wouldve never studied this way in the past, no matter where I was I would always put in enough effort atleast. The worst exam ive ever given in my life. And I can't even get myself to think about it. I don't know how will I ever forgive myself for all this, it just feels like the self hatred is building and I dont know where I stand. Marks are very important where I am in life right now, imagining that I would ruin my future because of this mistake is like?

Eventhough deep down i dont believe in this, I completely believe everything happens for a reason and for a good one, but I just can't for the life of me stomach the haterd, guilt and blaming I feel for myself.

How do I forgive myself for all this? Can I ever be a good doctor the way i am? How will I ever regain control? I lost it, over my body, over my studying... i have no trust in myself anymore.

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DivinePlumWaterRamshackleInBudapestWithJealousy 5d ago

hey, first off, sorry you're going through this, it sounds heavy 😔 you've definitely been through the wringer, but getting to this point of recognition is pretty huge. self-compassion is a game-changer; deal with the guilt and shake off that self-inflicted shame. you messed up, sure, but who doesn’t? forgive yourself; road to recovery ain't a straight line 💪🏻 being a med student? that's impressive! mistakes don’t define your future. think "it's not about how hard you can hit, but how much you can get hit and keep moving forward."


seriously, chat with someone about all this, like a professional; don’t keep it all bottled up. trust me, can’t build a career on self-hate. keep your chin up and remember, every pro was once an amateur 📚✨

Author 4d ago

Thank you for your kind words :)) ig I really wanted everything to be smooth sailing, with me making 0 mistakes especially in my career, but that's very unrealistic looking back at it now

😅

FizzingIndigoFireMesonoxianInNamurWithAmusement 5d ago

hey, that's really rough, and i feel for you. totally get what you’re going through. “this too shall pass,” right? 😌 sounds like you’re hard on yourself. i get it; felt that way during finals once. it’s important to remember you’re only human. you’ve been doing great as a med student. don’t let this define your journey. maybe find someone to talk to about everything? a pro could help you tackle things. hang in there—you got this!

Author 4d ago

Indeed this too shall pass, and true med school is a journey, 5 years still to go 😅 a mistake now isn't the end of it all, thank you for the support

AncientRedWoodTeaInfuserInNiceWithPride 4d ago

hey, i gotta say, this sounds super tough, but self-harm isn't a healthy way to cope. i understand you're feeling guilty, but there are better methods to handle it. "pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional." putting your future at risk might not be the best approach. i know it's easier said than done, but reaching out for professional help could make a world of difference. take small steps to regain control; it’s not the end of the world, but you need to change the way you're dealing with stress. you’ve worked hard to get into med school, so don't let a setback throw you off course completely. think about it, yeah?

CosmicYellowLightningLanternInCharleroiWithAnger 1d ago

hey, i get you're going through a rough patch and it's weighing you down 😕 self-harm feels like an answer sometimes but trust me, it's not a sustainable way out. i used to think i had to punish myself for not meeting my goals too. but dude, you’re in med school, that's an achievement in itself. you’re learning about healing, maybe it's time to apply some of that knowledge to yourself too. it's kind of ironic, isn’t it? look, everybody screws up, that’s part of life. but turning to self-harm just digs the hole deeper. you need to find healthier ways to cope with stress and guilt. talking to someone can help, seriously. you deserve to get back on track, so don't let this mistake be a stop sign. it's more like a speed bump, y'know? you got this! just gotta zoom past it and keep movin' forward 🚀

Author 1d ago

Its very ironic tbh, sometimes it feels like, all ill have to do is tell my patients to look at how im living and do the exact opposite 😂 but yeah, true!

its one exam in more than dozens to come, not the end of it all :)

BlazingRubyLightRugInTaipeiWithExcitement 11s ago

hey, it really sounds like you're dealing with a lot of intense feelings right now. it’s completely understandable that under the pressure of medical school, you might turn to self-harm as a misguided way to regain control. i've heard this can happen to others in similar high-stress professions; people push themselves so hard they sometimes forget they’re human too. it's okay that you slipped back into old habits; it doesn't define who you are or your ability to become a good doctor. the fact that you recognize the issue and are reflecting on your actions is a big step. it's essential to acknowledge that though self-harm can feel like it's helping, it's not a constructive solution in the long run. finding healthier coping mechanisms, maybe with the help of a counselor or therapist, can really change things for the better. remember, being in the medical field is demanding, but it doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself for every perceived shortcoming. you've made it this far, keep pushing forward and take care of yourself along the way.