I can no longer calmly pick up my phone to reconnect it, because then it starts to drain quickly. I feel like going out is a problem because then they might put me in the water, and I won't be there, and consequently, I'll find that no more water will come in for the rest of the week. I can't even express my problems with complete transparency because there's always the risk that something will happen, that something will shift, and then I won't be able to get it back. I can't even go outside calmly, because even the spaces aren't safe; there's no stable internet connection whatsoever, and I can't do anything about it. Recently, there was no stability at all; everything put me at risk of losing the activity, of having to turn back. Going outside is becoming risky because there's nothing that guarantees me an effect beyond the plausible, nothing that allows me to go further and feel comfortable there. I'm always at the mercy of my nerves. Of course, I feel like I'm exaggerating, more like I'm just recording my thoughts because I'm feeling well and I've been observing how my phone behaves for a while now. I'm fine, but it's difficult because there have been so many recent changes, and well, I think it's time to pay attention to those small things, precisely to observe how I feel about the stability of my life.

My boss is losing ground, absolutely at the office. The other key players are doing everything they can to sabotage his peace, to win over those who truly act as bosses. I also feel like I can't write calmly; these moments feel tense for me, and although it's over things that seem small, the point is that when navigating life, you always have to start with the small details to make effective moves. I always encounter surprises, and the idea is to start with those small elements, make them big, make them move forward. Things on the street are expensive lately, in fact, I feel like time throughout the day is getting shorter. As for writing, I feel like I'm not recording enough, I feel like I lack time because I feel like the world is consuming me, I'm scared of the world, I want to take refuge, but that makes me want to go out, and thanks to this instability, I feel like taking refuge again. I find myself between one thing and the other, I also feel like I'm becoming a habitual writer. I'm so sorry to hear about my friend. I don't know how she is. I recently sent her an emoticon after a birthday greeting in the office group chat. I left it there hoping it would stay, hoping there wouldn't be any changes in the group and that she'd always remember it, so she'd feel my support, a connection to the group. But with the bosses' infighting, that's all gone. Well, the group belongs to everyone, and being at the mercy of fate and having to ask for dedicated channels doesn't feel right. I feel like I have to live with this uncertainty, with this feeling of making the effort to do something and then not knowing what will happen. That's been my whole life so far. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life, and I'm even afraid of ending up on the street, definitely, because I'm not doing anything to get ahead, just writing. But this makes me feel more, delve deeper, but at the same time, it acts as a kind of prison, a restraint, preventing me from doing things with my life.

I'm uselessly checking the time, because I can spend all the time I have left outside. I confess I feel a bit desperate, because everyone else is making an effort to fix things, to do something to keep things going, and I'm doing nothing, just the bare minimum. It turns out that when I was a child, my life was the opposite; I lived at the mercy of always doing something to please others in order to support myself, and that was it, without inhabiting a specific future, other than the one others dictated. But it wasn't pleasant, because I didn't know about it; I was only confined to it, only alienated by it. I don't know how to put it. I had never reached such depths of feeling. I remember feeling that my well-being wasn't important, but rather that no one could say anything. Others focused on giving me what I needed so I could do what they assumed I should do with what they gave me, always basing their decisions on their own minds and never on what I actually said. It was in that kind of environment that I was with my boss. I can't even count on a steady supply of drinking water. I have to wait for it to heat up, then wait for it to cool down, and then I have to get water outside. Buying water is expensive; it can eat up my income. I have no savings. My boss was completely negligent with his employees, obsessed with keeping them where he wanted them. If they strayed from his plan, he couldn't control them and, seeing an opportunity, fired them—abusing the system.

My boss had some very strange ways about him. His relationship with the employees was about manipulating them against each other, exploiting their feelings, always taking advantage of institutional guilt, playing on prejudices, losing control, and acting out a reality that wasn't the one we shared, all to gain power, always under the constant threat of escape. With my boss, I never felt safe, because he didn't operate based on concrete actions, but rather on things that were already in place, leaving me to figure out what to do with them, without even considering me personally. That's why I stood up for myself and looked for a way to get out of his clutches, by any means necessary, so that he wouldn't be left looking bad and then he couldn't say anything to me. I wanted to get rid of that guy for good. I didn't like him at all; he was a monster, and to this day, I don't have the energy to understand him. In fact, the guy is completely out of control, out of the office even though he's still on the payroll. He was just trying to escape, and I knew all his tricks from my experience with my father. And indeed, he didn't manage to get out, and now the office is his own tomb. The guy tried to call my father, but my father felt exactly where he was headed, unable to maintain his control, his tyranny, his narcissism. But he failed miserably in this attempt. My father wanted him to go down that same hole, precisely to make him feel the same way he did. Like all narcissism, my boss looked for salvation from the hole everywhere, but he didn't find it; instead, everyone turned against him. Another thing that also happens to me with water is that sometimes I find insects in it, and I don't like it. I feel like somehow my anticipation of the water being ready to drink is wasted. I like getting down to these tiny details and then expanding on them, expressing them; it's about starting with those small details and making a difference from there.

My boss's mind was completely shattered, completely broken, because he doesn't know where the shots came from. It all started with me being nice to him, being kind, even going along with his plan to distance myself from a friend when she had a problem. But everything changed suddenly. He became trapped, first in my hands, then in the hands of the other department, then in the hands of the office itself, and finally in the hands of the authorities. Then his job became out of his reach. The man was stripped of everything over a problem he thought would have a quick solution, a simple matter of letting it go. But he took it too easily, clinging to the idea that everything was fine, to everything that made it seem like everything was alright. But when he was in my hands, his attempt to get out of that situation, to show his feelings, thinking I was on his side, that I would accept him, didn't turn out that way. Instead, he saw himself falling into his own abyss. He didn't expect me to turn against him so suddenly, to still be concerned about my friend, and then to get involved in a mess within the medical profession. He simply didn't. I realized that things would be so intense that I wasn't up to the task of navigating the institutional landscape in favor of feelings.

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