Why do I keep this weird thought?
The story
Today at therapy I had this insight about my view of happiness and I found out that I think that I don’t deserve too much happiness. But it’s not true because I’m a human being just like the rest and I do deserve good things in life, I’m not talking about material stuff I’m talking about experiences. This insight was part of an experience that I had this week while I was at one of my swimming lessons, a classmate asked me how I was feeling after the class and I said “excellent” because I truly mean it but then I felt a little bit I don’t know how to explained it, not sad but like cautious of this, like dont brag about your happiness when it wasn’t my idea to be honest. Or maybe I’m afraid to surrender to joy and experience more of it. Lately life has been great, I had big news at work and once again I’m truly honored to be surrounded by my friends and my family, I’m seeing them with compassion as human beings not only as the role of father or mother. So I don’t know, maybe it’s this mechanism of defense with pain I don’t know. But to be honest I’m fucking proud of how I’m building my life, I’m building a true sense of inner love within myself and now if I’m doing exercise it’s to prove myself that I can feel better and with more energy, I’m not obsessed anymore with number scales. And I’m fucking proud of other things, like doing things to keep growing and be more free. I don’t have this urge to impress anyone and I don’t give a fuck about external validation neither. And to be honest I think that I’m not a dramatic person, my old narrative makes me believe that but I can be a rational person, sensitive, creative and smart.
