Am I bi?
The story
i have only ever dated men, so the question in my head is "Am I bi?" and it feels both obvious and impossible. my closest friend, lena, is the first woman i have wanted in a way that does not fit neatly inside friendship. even typing "wanted" makes me hesitate, because maybe i am confusing emotional closeness with attraction. we have known each other for six years, and she can tell when i am upset from how hard i set down my coffee mug. i used to dismiss the warm, fizzy feeling around her as ordinary affection. lately, when she tucks her hair behind her ear or leans against me during a movie, my attention stays there. that is not how i look at my other friends, but i have never felt this way about a woman before. 😬
after a rainy dinner at her apartment, we ended up sitting close together on her couch while her orange cat watched us from the armrest. lena had put on a green sweater that made her eyes look brighter, which is a ridiculous detail for me to remember so clearly. while i was wiping chili oil from my lip, she said, "you missed a spot," and leaned toward me. she brushed the corner of my mouth with her thumb, but neither of us moved back. for maybe three seconds, our faces stayed close enough that i could feel her breath. i genuinely thought she was going to kiss me, and i wanted her to. lena's cat suddenly climbed between us, and the moment broke. i laughed too loudly and pretended to be interested in the cat. she asked why my face was red. i blamed the chili oil, although it was barely spicy.
later that week, lena was scrolling through photos on her phone and mentioned that a woman she used to like had gotten engaged. she said, "i'm bi, by the way. i thought you knew," then continued scrolling as if she had commented on the weather. my stomach dropped so sharply that i almost spilled my iced coffee. i asked when she had figured it out, trying to sound merely curious. lena shrugged and said she had always known, but she rarely announced it because it did not seem relevant. until that comment, i had mentally filed the couch moment under accidental closeness. her casual disclosure made that explanation much harder to accept. i started wondering whether she had leaned in deliberately, whether she noticed that i wanted the kiss, and whether she was waiting for me to do something. there is no clear evidence for any of that, which makes my speculation feel unfair to her.
since then, the crush has become difficult to dismiss as ordinary friendship. when lena mentioned getting drinks with a woman from her pottery class, i felt jealous in a way that was immediate and embarrassing. i spent the evening wondering what that woman looked like and whether lena would wear the green sweater. that reaction seems like attraction, yet my entire dating history points toward men, and i still notice men. my confusion is focused entirely on lena because i cannot picture myself dating any woman besides her. i can picture kissing her, holding her hand at the grocery store, and waking up beside her, but those images may come from knowing her so deeply rather than from being attracted to women generally. saying nothing preserves our friendship, but it leaves me replaying the couch moment whenever she touches my arm. staying quiet also feels dishonest when i am privately turning every casual comment from her into possible evidence. so, after the almost-kiss, the pottery-class jealousy, and lena's casual disclosure, what would you conclude if the question keeping you awake were "Am I bi?"
