recently things have gotten very depressing and I've fallen down into a dark place. I already felt hopeless but now I feel broken and empty. I trusted my ex of 8+ years after coming from a DV childhood full of black eyes and bloody noses only for him to basically do the same thing. then I trusted my husband, putting myself and my career in an incredibly difficult position by quitting my amazing job per his request. Shame on me. I was incredibly gullible to believe in other people.

All we do is argue. I try to explain why I feel the way I do then he turns around and says hurtful things.

example: he pressured me hard to give up my job for his career and to have his children. i was scared and reluctant as I had already had a child from the previous DV relationship that refused to pay child support or show his face to my child but I put my faith in him, doing as he asked. then he turns around and throws in my face that I blow money, i ask when I don't spend any on myself, even my hair brush has been broken for months. my kids and family come first. I point to all the free/cheap used thibgs i got off Fzb market then he said its because of the money he pays to fly my child to visit his father. when I ask to work he says "NO". Tonight I lost it and told him I WILL be getting a job.

we recently went grocery shopping together, my 6 year old child saw my husband cut me off and ignore me multiple times regarding a plum i wanted to get and it made my child angry. my child told my husband that he was being mean and the worst. I immediately got onto my child and said that was not kind, don't say that. after my child got in the car my husband said that i was undermining him in from of my child by insisting on the fruit and that maybe he would send my child back to my ex since my child didn't like him. i was shocked, especially as earlier my child said I was the worst and yada yada earlier and my ex stood by without saying anything not to mention prior to entering the store I said I wanted the fruit and my husband had said *yes*(meaning he wasn't paying attention to what i asked) it was petty, painful and caused stress induced nausea.

not long ago my dog started crying out in pain and it broke me. I previous worked at a vets office to help with her care and she was doing much better but I think she hurt herself while we were gone. from my last tax returns, I had some money set aside for my personal spending(last bit of my hard earned cash). I asked my husband if I could take her to the vet to get her looked at, maybe some pain killers. i asked what he was comfortable spending from my pocket cash. he then said no and me toned he'd rather us wait it out to see if she gets better then joked about replacing his cracked phone instead. meanwhile my dog is in so much pain she has stopped barking at the door which is so unlike her.....

what am I fighting for anymore? if he wanted, he could divorce me and I'd have nothing. I don't have the mental will to keep fight. I'm tired. I just keep thinking about the kitchen draw and how easy it would be to go there and then close my eyes. all this petty painful bull fading away easily. I don't have the will power anymore. at this rate, I am no longer a good mother and am not mentally sound to be one. my children were my reason but apparently my babies can be easily stripped from me, meaning I have no more reason..... I don't know how to save myself anymore and I don't think I want to.

thanks for reading. thanks for those who gave their advice. it was lovely reading your encouragement, I'm sorry they didn't work for me.

goodbye

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