ever just feel like you're the problem but can't help it? i've noticed this pattern where i push people away. it sounds kinda dramatic, right? but it's real for me. there was this one time when a friend got super close and i freaked out. they were always around, messaging every day, wanting to hang out all the time. at first, it was cool and we had some great times but then... i started feeling trapped. like i couldn't breathe or have a second to myself. it's not them, you know? they're awesome and loyal and probably one of the best friends someone could ask for.

but my brain went into overdrive and instead of talking about how i felt overwhelmed, i kind of just ghosted them a bit. stopped replying as much. made excuses for not hanging out until eventually they got the hint (or maybe they just gave up) and we drifted apart. in the moment, it felt like what i needed although deep down there was this nagging feeling that i'd regret it later. and yeah... i was right.

after some time passed, i realized how much their presence actually meant to me (the laughs we shared, the support during tough times...) and felt terrible for shutting them out like that. now there's this weird gap where an awesome friendship used to be, all because my mind couldn't handle being close with someone who genuinely cared. i'm trying to figure out why i'm wired this way: putting up walls when people get too close instead of letting them in more fully or explaining what's going on inside my head.

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