I feel so exhausted by life that I don't feel like doing anything, and I don't want to rest. I feel like I have so much to discover, so much to do. I'm getting fed up with seeing content on social media. I want to see what other people think, what other people have done—and I mean good, excellent, wonderful people, not these content creators who, personally, I feel do nothing but create profiles, for goodness sake! It's exciting to see them at first, but the thing is, you realize later that they're not making any contribution, not in terms of language or anything like that. They don't offer any insight, and I don't feel like they're helping me diversify, which is what I'm truly satisfied with. I've recently started following the content of a friend's boss, and personally, as well as my friend's, which I had to access through legal third-party apps, but it's still not the same. It's boring, bitter, and I feel like I have no reason to be there. Their content doesn't offer me anything; it only lets me see their lives, and that's exactly what I never want to be. I categorically feel that I have nothing to do outside of my own life. I don't even like the content posted by a friend of mine, who's also in the same group as the other friend I mentioned. I feel like I have no business being there; I feel like their lives aren't mine. We don't share the same understanding of life under any circumstances. I feel completely tired, exhausted. I feel like I need real authors, people who measure up, like those figures in history who truly presented a fantastic way of seeing the world, who touched hearts. These people, on the other hand, don't do that. They claim to be different, but they aren't. They're not different at all. They just try to be agreeable, to be different from others in terms of feelings, through gestures, but that doesn't translate into words. I'm not happy with my friend, the first one I mentioned, because she doesn't bother to find words to express what she feels. Instead, she leaves me with nothing, with her being unfinished, doing absolutely nothing, unlike me, who's always fussing and fussing over my own definitions. What good is a friend like that to me? I don't feel she's worth it. I don't like her because she doesn't make the effort of her life; instead, she puts a burden on me, and I don't like that. The same goes for another friend. Why do I have to deal with these issues, this inability to develop words? Why weren't their lives ready for me? Weren't they ready for something like this? For a new relationship? And what's it to me? Personally, I'm tired of acting as their parents and I should leave them because they don't seek the tools to keep up with their conversations. I can't believe I'm still with them, tolerating these deficiencies. Good heavens, what kind of life have I created for myself with people like this? Personally, I struggle to keep from falling because they add an extra burden to my life, and I don't want a burden. I want people by my side, people who are developing their language skills, who allow their creativity to flourish. It's not my fault they haven't sought a way to find those support systems.

I'm finally emerging from a feeling of being stuck in a rut that had persisted for months and months. These girls, my friends—the first one I mentioned and another I didn't mention in the previous post—have been a real blow to me. I wasn't expecting them; I hadn't prepared my life for them. I've been putting in so much effort to be the best version of myself, and they only offer verbal support and nothing more. Who knows if they're even aware of it? I'm tired of dwelling on it. I just want to distract myself with something else, but I feel incomplete, always incomplete. There's always this feeling I have to satisfy, precisely because I feel like I have to carry the weight of their lives. I have to visualize where we are completely, so I can truly see them, understand them to the best of my ability. I feel like my life is dedicated to them, to these girls, and that leaving them would be sabotaging their efforts. These girls are already draining me of my life, something my parents couldn't do. I feel like it's the worst thing they've ever done to me, but it's precisely because of seeing them in such a terrible state, abandoned, being one of those who, because of them, couldn't afford to, had to leave them behind. And that's not what it's about. Back then, those circumstances weren't right, but now they are. I don't feel comfortable around these girls, truly. I feel like I'm never up to the task. In fact, I feel like it's unattainable for me, because I can't really see them. My only goal is to establish myself as a citizen, but those are things they know, mainly them, even though they see them.

It's embarrassing to have friends—friends I call friends—who have me blocked, for God's sake. What kind of friendships are these? How is it possible that to view their accounts they have to look through third parties and not through their own accounts? Why on earth do I have to be kept out of it when I've achieved things with them that surely no one else has done, thought of, or dared to do? I don't feel comfortable. I want to fall asleep forever, but there's always this anxiety, this need to do something that at least pleases them, that at least results from concrete and specific contact between us on my part. But that's precisely the problem: they weren't taught to value that, only to be subjected to impositions, absolutely not. Therefore, they understand that this is what they must maintain, for that specific reason. Well, if it's possible, it's because something is keeping it going, it's true, but it's at the cost of a lot of effort. I don't feel any support whatsoever. Why do I have friends who aren't able to support me? It's because if they did, they'd touch on something they shouldn't, since I've already met all their expectations, and supposedly no one does that for them. I feel like I have to eavesdrop on their conversations to see what conclusions they draw about me, those conversations that stem from our interactions. Time really does fly by; I hadn't realized it. Between leaving and coming back, it feels like everything is happening so fast, like it's been nonstop. Well, writing is a bit of a break because it allows me to express myself, but my gestures are completely unpracticed. Nonverbal communication isn't my strong suit. Well, it's something that happens naturally, it's essential, it's fundamental, and it really does require practice.

And wow, it's humiliating to like my friend's boss's social media posts, but it's my only way to access some of those lives, to see what they're all about, because I don't really know what they're like, what they're like. I only know the people in my department, and it's awful. They're not people of achievement, they're not people of reach, they're people of perpetual failure and bitterness. At least my friend there, her boss, and others, have a life that's perhaps more active, driven by success, achievements, sustenance, doing something with that lack, doing office work, not necessarily the main focus, the center of their lives, as it is in my department, and in fact, they try to absorb others by any means necessary. They're monsters in my department, they don't even know how to communicate with each other, they don't know how to hold formations, and they act like they own the place. At least my friend's department isn't full of downtrodden people, but in spirit, they certainly are. My boss has nothing to offer me, no role model, not even a professional profile. He's a complete failure, and I don't want him in my life anymore. He really took advantage of the illusion he created with me, without giving a second thought to the whole situation. I no longer have anyone I can look up to, observe, or admire; I only have myself to rely on. What a failure my relationship with my boss was. I thought it would be different.

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