I Struggle with Urges and Feel Like I'm a Burden to Everyone
The story
I don’t know if I’m having depressive episodes but the urges are stronger with this one.
I feel it cloud my chest and head; telling me to do it. I want to, I really do but I want it to be painless. I spent my whole life suffering in pain, why would I want my last breath to be in pain too?
I had it all planned out. I wanted to wait until it was quiet. Just me and my that thing that consumes my every breath and thoughts. It tells me the same thing over and over again and I deny it every time.
It’s not a victory. I’m a worn out car that’s damaged and unwanted. Tossed away and ready to be scraped. I want to be forgotten, I always planned it that way. I wanted it to be like I never existed. I find comfort in that outcome, but I know it’ll never happen.
I don’t like feeling like a burden yet everyday I’m reminding just how useless I am. I want to go, I almost did. I was so close with the bottle in my hand; hearing it rattle as I carefully pour out the contents on to my hand. I thought about it for a moment. What it would be like if I took them. Would it go as plan or would the unpredictable happen.
I wanted it to be quick, easy and painless. That’s how I wanted to go, but idk if that’s true. I guess that’s what scares me.
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Points of view
wow, that sounds really intense and heavy. i won't pretend to fully understand what you're going through, but it's clear you're carrying a lot right now... sometimes it's hard to realize how much we internalize everything around us, making it feel bigger than it really is!
I've been there myself, feeling like a broken piece that doesn't fit anywhere anymore. It's like you're caught in this weird limbo, right? Like you're stuck on this unending loop of doubt and self-deprecation; just gotta say: don't trust everything your mind tells you! I used to think the same way until I realized our minds can be pretty persuasive liars, convincing us we're not worth it when it's entirely untrue. You mentioned wanting things to be painless and quick: kinda sounds like there's a part of you that's still looking for peace; maybe instead of an end, we can shift focus towards finding those moments of tranquility while still here? Talking to someone could really help untangle some of those thoughts... It did wonders for me.