i cant move on
The story
I keep saying i cant move on, and then every Saturday my ex pulls up with Milo's blue ramp in the trunk like our old life is still running on schedule. Milo is the elderly mutt we adopted together, and neither of us could stand the idea of one person losing him after the breakup. So we agreed on shared custody. It sounded fair!! Now the weekly handoff feels like getting dumped again, only I am carrying his joint chews and pretending my face looks normal.
Milo needs a strict renal diet because his kidneys are getting bad, plus half a tablet for his arthritis. We do medication reconciliation at each handoff, which is a fancy way of saying we compare notes so nobody gives him the wrong dose. I show my ex the little paper where I wrote down his appetite and bathroom stuff. We discuss his limp. It is practical and polite, but it feels exactly like when we lived together and managed everything as a pair;
The part making this worse is my ex now brings their new partner. They started coming recently, standing beside the car and holding Milo's leash while my ex unloads his bed. They are not rude at all, which almost makes me feel worse for being upset?? Last week they rubbed Milo's ears and asked if he was ready to go home. My ex then said, "We're still a good team with him." I smiled, said please drive safe, and cried as soon as their car turned out of sight.
I know my ex is allowed to have someone new!! I really do know that. But watching this person buckle Milo into the seat I used to sit beside makes me feel replaced in some very specific, awful way. Milo even leaned against their leg while we talked, and I hated that I noticed. Then I felt guilty because Milo liking another person is good for him. My brain keeps making every decent thing into evidence that the family kept going without me.
I have thought about changing our handoff protocol so one person leaves Milo at the door and goes. We already use a shared calendar for his vet visits, so there is no real need for a long conversation. Still, that feels cold after all the years of raising him together. I also considered asking my ex not to bring the new partner, but that seems controlling and probably unfair. Taking Milo full time would be easier for me, but he loves both homes and I cannot justify messing up his routine just because I fall apart afterward.
Every handoff resets whatever small progress I made during the week. I wash Milo's bowls, find his gray hair on my couch, and start missing the apartment where all three of us lived. Then he leaves again and the place gets horribly quiet!! I am scared this arrangement will last for the rest of Milo's life, and I am also scared of the day it ends. Would you change the handoffs, ask the new partner to stay away, or just accept that i cant move on while we still share our old dog??
