Spiritual Journey Stories

ok seriously i dont think i can survive tonight

i am scared to comeback home, i still remrmber my trauma from my dad its not going away, and he started shouting about how theres secrets being kept and i feel those secrets are keeping me alive and maybe free idk, im scared to come home now, i thibk killing myself is the only option, no ones saving me, im fucked, i dont deserve a family, im fucking everything up all the time, im lazy seriously

I sit here at 5:30 in the morning—about 12 hours before I celebrate Friendsgiving with all of my friends. I made my mom’s famous deviled eggs. I hope they taste just as good as hers, but I won’t know this year. Only my taste buds and my heart will know, since we always measured with love and tasting as we went.

My mom passed a little over two months ago, and I can say that losing a parent never gets easier—at least in my experience, it seems to be that way. Oddly enough, my dad’s anniversary is on Thanksgiving this year, and he passed the day after almost five years ago.

I haven’t been able to sleep a wink. I’m tired, but with no signs of going down any time soon. I lie awake thinking of my mother’s last moments and hurting over all the ways she could’ve died. But life gave her the worst hand with cancer.

My poor mama. My strong mother who was still strong in her last days and moments—always holding on. I sit here missing her more than ever. Knowing she’s not with me this year, cooking with her and celebrating Thanksgiving—even after Dad’s passing—is the worst thing ever.

I’m grateful that tomorrow I get to spend it with all my close loved ones. But fuck, guys—this fucking sucks. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give for a loud Thanksgiving where everyone was in the house being loud, a movie always playing in the background, and giving the cats a little turkey.

I’m so grateful that even though my relationship with my parents wasn’t perfect, they loved, nourished, and did the best they could. I wish I could’ve told my dad that if I were given the chance. But I lost him too young to really understand life. Same with Mom—but you grow up more and more as you lose people.

I’ve been crying all night, just mourning, and I felt like I needed to type something out. I’m sad and hurt, and the world keeps on turning. But there’s one thing that keeps playing in the back of my mind.

I remember a crazy night at a festival. I was, of course, indulging in recreational substances, and I was trying to tell 20-something of my friends—my dearest boos—which some of them definitely remember from that evening. And in the best way possible, I’ll try to tell you what I said in a more coherent way (lol):

Remember where you are right now. Even if we come to this place once a year, and while it might not be enough for us, it’s all we have. And those moments are eternal, and they will always be there. I don’t ever want to go a moment without knowing you, and if this one moment is all I have, then we must make the most of it.

What I’m trying to say is that at the end of the day—whether you’ve lost your “tribe” or lost a member—remember those moments that no one can take away from you.

i have many issues with myself, im jobless and burnout too easily, i betrayed my family and im not getting them back, i dont deserve one anymore, im mentally low capacity, i do fuck up the smallest things, theres no sign of change or progress, idk what to do but shit is wrong with me and it needs fixing, fast, if it can be fixed at all, or else im a lost cause

My fiancé and I met at church seven years ago and began seeing each other three years ago. We were both previously married and quietly separated from and divorced our previous spouses. Our separations began before we started dating and our divorces were finalized after we got together.

Due to the timing of the start of our relationship and lack of broadcasting our separations, there was a lot of that judgey church gossip surrounding us being adulterers and homewreckers.

Okay fine, we were not divorced yet and that was not a great thing for us to do. We rushed God's timing and plan and that didn't need to be.

But now that our relationship has gotten more serious (IE visible), it feels like our congregation has shadowbanned us, so to speak. We were both quite active in numerous ministries and elected positions. (You know how 80% of church work is done by 20% of the congregation? We are both in that 20%. Or at least, we'd like to be.)

Over the last year as our relationship has taken off, we have been removed from most of our committees by ways of not being elected to serve another term. With one exception, no one was elected in our places. On an informal/adhoc basis, we are not selected to participate in the worship service ahead of time. If a worship participant does not show up and there is a sudden need for someone to fill in, we are not asked and when we volunteer, we are told no that's okay, someone else will do it. Or no one does it and the service goes on without.

I am finding these actions to be punitive in nature, especially since we are in a small aging congregation where there aren't a lot of people who are able to help out. So to be informally told that no one doing this task is better than one of us doing this task is weird.

The only tasks we have held onto are the major tasks that no one has shown interest in managing instead. The food pantry is a one woman show and the online media streaming is a one man show.

It hurts me that this place we've called our religious home can take our money and our physical labor, but will not allow us to serve our church in a visible capacity anymore. He is content with having less to do, so he isn't bothered the same way I am, but he has noticed the pattern.

I would like to speak to someone at the church about this, but who? I feel like I would just be gaslit. Oh no, that isn't what's happening. We just want other people to have the chance to contribute. But the liturgist pool is 2 people less. Communion takes longer because there are fewer assistants. We use online music when we can't locate an organist or pianist in the community.

It's just. Weird. And I don't know much what to do. I am contemplating church searching after the new year and seeing if a clean slate would do us good.

Am I tripping? Am I not? Is it worth having a conversation with the pastor about? Who knows? Not me.

I wanna post another of my vents, yet this isn't letting me. Why??

my last post was about gigachads, now what i actually want to know, how do they have all this capacity, whats there secret to performing well even tho they have alot of struggle, what am i doing wrong

I lost my parents when I was 10 years old. I grew up with toxic relatives who always wish me death. I was a topper in my class, so I always thought that once I graduate I'm gonna find a job and leave all this poison behind and be happy. But God has different plans for me. I almost lost my life when I was in my final years of college due to infection in my lungs and heart. I was under fucking medication for 4 years, I lost my career basically. My partner broke up with me because I can't give birth due to all these side effects of my medication. All the other people I know are living a good life. They have everything I wish for family, career, partner, kids and a place to call home. I have been depressed all my life but for the past few days I feel like giving up. idk what to do anymore...........

Well I'm a strong lady so I think I will keep on living :)

If I suddenly blinked out of existence, I know the world wouldn't change much. Life would go on for most people. The people around me wouldn't be much different if I had never existed. Someone else would be sleeping in the room I'm in. There would be someone else to fill in my empty chair. My friends would still be brave, resilient, and some would still have a tough time opening up. Even though my existence is very tiny in the grand scheme of things, I hope I have had an impact on the people around me, no matter how small. I hope I have given them something to make them smile from time to time. I hope that they remember me down the road. Even if we drift apart, I hope they still think of me every now and then. I want to be the little bit of light in someone's day that makes them believe that there is still good in the world. I want to be the type of person that others know they can come to when they need someone to give their honest opinion. I want to be someone that people can open up to without fearing judgment. I hope that my friends appreciate my quiet presence, and I hope they know that is how I show love. I hope that the people around me know how much they mean to me. I wish they knew how much I've thought about them, wanting only the best for them. Even at the expense of my own wellbeing. I want to mean something to someone. Even if it's just small compliment I have given. And it may be selfish of me, but I could die happily knowing that I had a positive impact on one person's life. I just want to know that I have meant something to someone. Then maybe I could stop telling myself that no one would notice if I was gone. Maybe then I would believe that my life hasn't been a meaningless existence.

sorry wrong category maybe again, i would consider this to be about personal shortcomings but couldnt find it

im wondering right now how does all the rich gigachad men not be sensitive and stay cool always, i never understood it but im aware im too sensitive and reactive, too irritable, i hate how little control i have over so many things in life, how i would improve the world and do things differently, but its fucking my mental health seriously and idk how to overcome it, i want it to stop and me not have to act on everything or be worried too much, how would gigachad men handle this and be more happy cuz bad thoughts dont easily effect them

one of the most important and fulfilling things I can do in life is helping others. all I mean by helping others, is sticking by their side when things get tough, being a listening ear when needed, or whatever it is the people in my life may need me to do. however, I have always hated asking for help for myself. weather it was on a math problem at school, or lifting something heavy at home. I am an oldest child, and my mom has multiple sclerosis, and has always been through bouts of depression. this would leave her with very little energy to take care of the house or my little sister. I don't blame my mom one bit for this. she is the strongest person I know, and she has always done her best to be there for us. she is someone I aspire to be like every day. this however, makes it more difficult for me to see her completely drained some days. seeing this has made me feel like I need to step up and help her do the things she struggles with some days. i have gotten so used to this, that it feels like I need to be the strong one in my family, who keeps everyone sane when things are falling apart. I often forget that asking for help is even an option, or when I do think about it, I decide not to ask. there is a multitude of reasons why I choose not to ask for help, but the main reasons are that I don't want to burden others with my troubles, if I ask for help I feel like I am letting people down because I can't always be strong, and if I have to ask for help I have to admit to myself that I can't carry everything. I have also gotten so used to volunteering to do everything for everyone that I feel like if I stop doing that, I will be letting everyone down. recently I feel like the weight of all of this has been pressing on my shoulders, and I would rather let myself fall before burdening anyone else with my troubles. especially since I know that there are so many people out there who have it worse than me. so I tell myself that I shouldn't even be struggling with it. anyways, I just needed to get that off my chest. thank you for taking the time to read all this

yet im not sad. Not anymore. I go out and eat do shit on my own. I have social circles, people i talk to, but i get this feeling that at the end of the day my path is the one that strays. If my path comes across with yours, so be it, but im not banking on having anyone on this path with me. Sad? Sometimes. Tragic? Depends. Liberating? Depends on you past experience. Am i enjoying it? Sure, but at this point idk if its cause im used to the crippling loneliness or if i have truly changed for the better.

And i actively defend this lifestyle from people. I be going out at 2 am gettin burgers on my own, and i tell people i be hanging out with people. Whats with the lie? I suppose... i no longer have hope that people will understand.

Ironically, im putting this out there just to be seen.

Sorry wrong categorized, couldnt find one best fitting for, im stuck in life and shits getting worse

So im 18 and no work experience, just some grades, not muscle mass or anything same as other kids, im behind in life, i wont say so much about my circumstances not being best cuz life doesnt give a fuck about circumstances, i want to leave my country but still i not calculated where and how, its getting more opressive too and im not sure how late is too late to success, despite being well behind im tired with life already, not sure what to do with myself next at all, villan arc, suicide, continue and be sold false hope and take all these hits for nothing, idk, the world is just getting worse for normal people with no hope of changing to be better, rather not waste my time with continue against all odds

for nearly the entire year now, I can't seem to enjoy anything without some annoying little voice in my head going "you're going to die. this wont matter lol." and its all I can think of. if I'm not constantly doing something then it gets in my head and I just think over and over "nothing you do will matter. you're gonna die. everyone dies in the end." and its like, sometimes just because I know Im going to die someday I consider speeding up the process so I don't feel like I've ran out of time and instead I'm willingly giving it up. and I cant think about doing things in the future or things I have done because then It's just reminding mee I'm stepping closer towards the end. i don't know how to stop.

I’ve noticed that people these days, including myself, are glued to their phones. Most of the time, I use my phone unnecessarily—scrolling or watching things even when there’s nothing important to text about or nothing meaningful I want to learn. I understand that people have FOMO and don’t want to feel cut off from society, but for that, I don’t think it’s necessary to stay updated on every single trend on Instagram or social media in general. Knowing all the latest trends doesn’t really improve the quality of my life.

Yes, some people might make fun of me for not being aware of “obvious” trends, but I don’t see the need to follow them. At the same time, I don’t want to completely isolate myself either. For that reason, I’ve decided to limit myself to using Instagram for just 15 minutes a day, or using Pinterest occasionally for inspiration.

The internet feels overwhelming at times—it’s endless. There’s always new content to consume, and you can never really “finish” it. In contrast, I only truly felt alive during the days when phones existed without internet. Back then, the phone itself was an incredible gadget: it had a camera, photos, videos, offline games, songs, and maybe a few downloaded YouTube videos. Once I finished watching those videos, I had to rewatch the same ones, and eventually the phone felt boring. I would play the same simple offline games until I got tired of them.

Even the old Nokia phones were better in some ways. They were extremely simple—sometimes boring—but memorable. I remember playing Snake on them. At the time it felt boring, but when I look back now, those days feel good. When I was outside waiting for someone, I didn’t feel the urge to look at my phone because it didn’t have much to offer. Instead, I started noticing my environment, and those moments stayed in my memory.

On the other hand, if you showed me a reel I watched just a month ago, I probably wouldn’t even recognize it. It would feel like something completely new. That’s the difference: the older experiences stuck, while today’s constant scrolling doesn’t.

What I really want is to go back to that earlier feeling—the simplicity, the boredom, the presence—that made life feel more real.

They hurt you, so you should hurt them back. its funny, I feel like everyone who's felt pain like this has thought that at some point. felt like everyone else should hurt because they are. and its not their fault they were hurt. but your actions are always your own fault. its unfair to say that one person should get away with something because they are struggling, but someone who isn't struggling shouldn't. I know there are certain circumstances. but I mean people who hurt others. it shouldn't matter whether you are going through something, no one has the right to hurt other people. I understand some people struggle because they've been hurt. but if they just hurt someone else, then it'll end up a cycle wont it? now talking about my experience here, I was hurt. badly. by someone I thought I could trust, and when I expressed they hurt me, I was told that since they were struggling its okay. how is that fair? you make a victim feel like the villain? I have every right to blame you for something you did. you should feel bad, and guilty that you've hurt someone. or in the very least apologize. but I didn't get any apologies. no. of course not. why should I?? its not like this has caused my life to fall apart and caused me long lasting pain. I truly do hate when people do that. no one should be punished for getting hurt. no one should hurt someone because they were hurt. no one should feel less than someone else for something they cant control.