Music Stories And Art Stories

When I was in middle school, I got a guitar as a present. My parents got it for me after I begged for months. I practiced every day, all throughout high school and into college. I loved it. I love music. Music, in general. I didn't have it easy, and music had been such a present and poignant way for me to process my emotions and my experiences. I really, truly loved the idea that I could express myself in such a pure way. In the way my idols had expressed themselves to me. And so I practiced, and I almost got good. I could play Hallelujah almost right, so close to right.

But I am tone deaf. I always have been. And I can't stay on the beat to save my life. I had to play one song over and over again, recording and listening and rerecording. I had to learn each note one at a time and be sure I had it right. I learned how to disregard the sound in my ear and feel the vibration in my jaw. You can feel when that vibration inside matches the sound outside. I had to listen to the song second by second to see if I had the rhythm right and learn where each note lined up. I could almost play well, and I knew I hit notes wrong, but I was proud of that. But it was never what I wanted it to be. And I never got better than I did after a certain point.

I had to take a few years off. I didn't have the time to practice. Maybe once a month. Sometimes less. And now I am trying to get back into it, and I am so much worse than where I was in high school. Every time I play a song I used to know, I am jarred by how much I've lost. I told myself I'd play one song until I got it right again. One song until I could strum and sing at the same time, even if I couldn't do it well. It's been months, and I still can't.

I think it's time to accept it.

I can't keep hurting myself to do something I cannot.

I have an urge to try being poetic when trying to write about myself and if I don't fight it i've had moments where I've generated twice as much text as chat jippity is allowed to in one prompt on a few occassions (so that totals ~30k characters, in an hour or two).

My goal to live a long life is underway, so whatever else I can do in the meantime is a mere addition. I do not travel outside of routine spots, I do not engage with people without a clear mutual benefit, I do not alter my experience with any equilibrium-disturbing dead matters, recreative medicines or narcotics so to say. I'm by the majority vote still very young, 21 years, aiming, unreasonably and religiously, for seven times that or so. I figure, if anything, it's the one thing worth overestimating.

In order to avoid '30k-ing', or testing out the limits of the submission prompt box, I'll skim over the last 3 years, hopping a bit back and forth, starting at HS graduation. COVID shrunk my chances of developing connections, which on first year I've shrunk by my own means. Graduation was the only time I've had group photos with classmates, and past that I merely occasionally 'see', in its literal sense, so I notice elements resembling the elements of my classmates in the crowds of Warsaw, sometimes. This is the part where I mention I'm not a native english speaker, so in case my english reads odd, just know my native tongue sounds to people around me just as odd. Continuing: I've had a habit of giving art feedback to strangers on Discord. Not out of good will, but out of the drive for self improvement - it's worked wonderfully, I have no qualms to openly deem myself a comic artist to strangers, which I'd cringe in horror if I were to attempt in high school. Condensing, condensing, compressing, stitching... I've gone to college, I've quit because of anxiety and low hopes for the future, I've gotten a job to give me a number of 20 months of experience on my CV, quit that job because of low hopes for the future, had a 1.5 turns car rollover at 120km/h on a curve listening to aggressive music from musical artists less optimistic than me, which digging out from under the dirt I've had a big scratch across my chest. That was from when my cat jumped off of me like a week prior. The crash itself did no harm to me, as I was sat in the least damaged part of the car. I'm now enrolled in a daily college and weekend college, right before christmas, dazed by today's fumbled calculus exam, and confused by that being the most commonly shared experience by co-students, worried about my inactivity in regards to artistic endeavors. No one shares that sentiment, I think that's on me. I send 'merry christmas' to at least one acquaintance since 2023. We cannot connect the rest of the year because of my otherness. They've tried drawing and I really encourage drawing to anyone I meet, but no one has as much continuity and narrowness of thought as I've had whilst learning. I suspect that is because of the amount of humans we connect to - the less humans are on my mind, the better my focus and keenness. Great artists must've been very asocial if that is a universal relationship of art and us. I justify my strangeness with a haphazard attempt at finding the optimal spot between the two, art and us.

Golly this needs to be approved my a human before going anonymously public. I apologise then, I hope it is not already too much. I wish for, kind of, anything. I like humans and our languages, it's a shame there seems to be such a hard limit on that. I've not nearly exhausted my thoughts yet... dot dot dot. Maybe I just suck at ending things

PS. Ad. 'already too much' - it absolutely is. I wonder if I could get around that, anyway anyhow. 2026 goal perhaps. Cheers

“you’re happiest when you make me sadder” — JADE, “Natural at Disaster”

slop, slop, slop. sounds like a poem doesn’t it? but really, it’s a word i constantly hear for ai-generated content. i always think to myself that there is good slop and bad slop, but now, i guess ai slop is just…slop.

ai slop is all over the internet, and people just shit all over it like it’s their problem. news headlines use it, twitter users use it, the comments section uses it. merriam-webster declares it as word of the year. i’m so sick of hearing that term from whoever uses it, be it an anti or a news outlet.

along my 99 problems as a synthographer, this is one of them. i generate beautiful anime stuff with ai, write character descriptions for them, make posters with it, all that stuff. yet they’ll simply dismiss it as “slop”, even if i just generate a guy or girl with cat ears.

i can’t even shake off that comment who told me to “go fuck yourself ai slop trash.” that was few months ago, yet why is it still lingering here with me?

slop, slop, slop…the more i hear it, the more i see it, the more i feel sick, tired, and angry. i guess my friend was right. all these comments let’s me offend me. maybe that’s why i can’t move on from them. have i been online too much? do i have to say “i’m supposed to be an adult, but fuck it, i need a minute” again? are they even happy when they make me sad? when will things get better again?

I wanna try embroidery🧵🪡. It looks like a very beautiful and delicate art form🤩!! But... I work better via in-person lessons. And Las Vegas doesn't seem to have any classes😭!! I've looked through Michaels... Local websites... And even asked my cousin, "The Hobbies Queen" for help. No luck🥲! I'm not giving up... But with the way things are going... I might just have to rely on buying the materials and watching a You Tube video about it😮‍💨. Nothing wrong with that in general. It's just easier for me to learn in-person. Wish me luck trying to find an embroidery class in Las Vegas☺️🙏🏻✨🍀!

“supposed to be an adult, but fuck it, i need a minute” — tate mcrae, revolving door

if there’s one think i’ve learned from being a synthographer (or ai artist, as many would call it) for 4 years and counting, it’s to ignore the mean comments that people throw at me. but honestly, it feels like i’m not learning my lessons here. especially the case of sora 2.

seriously, when sora 2 came out, i feel so ecstatic about it. anime now actually looks like anime. videos feel more lifelike. some people even share japanese commercials on youtube. it’s amazing honestly.

problem is, i can’t go to youtube or reddit or pretty much any social media without someone ranting about how sora 2 videos are soulless slops that shouldn’t have existed in the first place. i’m so sick and tired of it, especially that i have to summarize it because why bother going thru it when all they’re saying is toxic and abhorrent?

i can’t even open the comments too for the same reasons. i can’t bear all the words and topics they’re throwing around, not just criticizing sora 2, but pretty much any ai-generated work in general. “ai art isn’t art”, “ai is bad for the environment”, “ai slop”, “clanker”, “we should kill the ai artist”, my god the list goes on. i could even build a receipt or a poster series from all this if i want to. this made me hate people a little bit, even if ironically i make anime portraits with character descriptions in them.

all this constant doomscroll of anti-ai comments and posts left me wondering: am i back to square one? there are times where i work on myself so that i can create again without judgement from the peanut gallery, but i kept coming back like a revolving door. it’s so fucking exhausting. i can’t enjoy anything i like without someone criticizing bc it’s “ai-generated.” i’m living in a constant battle as a synthographer where i always tell myself: fuck all this man, i need a minute.

it made me think about quitting something that i love over the years too. it’s like they’d be happier if i just don’t share my works or erase myself from existence. i can’t take this anymore.

idk like my hobbies aint hitting the same anymore. everythings so gray and dull. im trying to not be suicidal here but its not giving me many options. ive tried song writing but all my guitar stuff is pretty depressing, angry or something made by a stoner. i have no purpose, nobody needs me. i think thats a thingy thats making me depressed/bored too.. and uhh im not dead yet! i failed miserably at suicide and i somehow managed to hide it from my parents. they are lowkey idiots.

lol sorry for the mods reading trough all my geeked ass posts. hope you have a splendid day today.

but yeah any tips? or stuff to do in general?

Facebook is beyond belief. You can't say anything through it. I was just talking about those feelings that are contradictory to advocating for good ideals, and it itself put it up for review. Such an extremely valuable text, it itself put it up for review. It's a question that I found totally offensive.

How could they do that? I feel like with Facebook, you can't write anything, because in principle, no one knows why it puts things up for review. It doesn't mention anything about what I published; it just leaves you at the mercy of uncertainty. I used to vent on Facebook, but over time, I stopped doing that. Frankly, I don't want to post posts like the one I made in WhatsApp groups, after reflecting, because I find it disruptive, and I like to post a lot.

Putting up with Facebook cutting off a post without explanation is harassing. You expect it to remain a post, even more so when it's barely published and doesn't say anything about it being annoying or anything like that. It takes you by surprise. You want to publish in peace, but you don't know what mistakes you made to sustain that. Besides, in such posts, I express my creativity; I'm not attacking anyone or spreading hate speech or anything like that. They're simply creative posts, nothing more, even pleasant stories, for enjoyment, rich reading, and everything is in groups, where that's what they're for. The platform is pulling my hair out; I mean, I need a space to share what I want to publish calmly, and Facebook isn't providing it, even though it gives the false illusion that it is.

I don't know if Facebook or people are worse. What I publish often seems like an attack on prejudice, a search to break molds, to make people think within intimacies that are not socially undermined, and therefore people, at least those around me, feel incapable of being receptive, even though I've heard good comments about it. Facebook is the one I find most receptive, however, despite these surprises, I didn't find it pleasant. I continue to insist that it's the worst not knowing why your post, unexpectedly once again, is being sent for review, especially after someone put so much effort into such texts, because they wanted them to be pleasant, and also exposed to a general audience. I feel it's a way of harming my creativity, I have to say it this way, of making me feel insecure when it comes to publishing.

When I publish myself, I express myself, I vent, I can't go around with fears, or checking to see if my post was deleted or not. This anxiety is exhaustive, and also unfair. I revise my texts very thoroughly, and I also like that what I write is absolutely divine for the reader, and it helps me with my writing. When Facebook sends it for review, it's like feeling like my effort is completely set aside, that such divine art is spit out after having been arduously worked on. It's feeling like the platform treats what you've done in a completely dehumanizing way. Furthermore, in the groups, it appears that the administrator will review it, and they don't agree. This, well, since they and I are strangers, barely through online contact, only triggers problems; saying that Facebook played a trick sounds like an excuse.

Facebook, more than serving as a benefit for publishing and sharing content, is becoming a completely uncomfortable platform. I'd like to discover better platforms, but I also don't want to just go changing because I've already established my life there, virtually. Besides, this isn't happening because of others, but because of the platform itself. I also feel the helplessness of not being able to do anything about it, that the platform can send what I publish back for review in a completely arbitrary way, as I feel it has done with me up until now.

I've seen more than one person complaining about Facebook censorship. At the same time, I feel a sensitivity on the part of the platform that makes readings of the content extremely superficial. However, here I am considering the potential consequences of the platform's actions, but it's a futile effort. It never ceases to appear, naturally, because I am a human being. Before, I felt safe and secure on this platform, but all I feel like doing is moving to another platform, any one, just to avoid these surprises.

Can I be able to be a good writer if I'm not into reading books too much? I like reading poetry, but sometimes I feel like I don't understand it either. I love reading short stories with big pictures, but long stories? So far, not my style.

But I love writing poetry tho and I do merely as a hobbie not like a job or something. But what if one day I wanna publish something just to earn a little bit of money?

sometimes i ge ttired of my drums and sometiems loops but when its time to get more and i dont have cash, ... i cant even put words to describe. looking for free drumkits are dumb, and yes i know someties they want a little bit of work since its free. that still doesnt explain why they take you through 3 websites just for a little extra revenue, for you still not get the kit either because its a old link or even they just left that part out. anyways, yea i had to type a little note in a website to get the link for it no to work so here: {omg, sheesh! to think i would get a simple free drum kit but NO. whatever, this dumb tom-foolery is a good vent anyways.}

We had an intelligence test at school and the teacher told me I had “musical intelligence”. I’m very proud of it since I love music so much! I love listening to Eve mostly and I’m trying to learn Japanese because of it. Are there any other Eve fans here? I’d like to know if you have any favorite songs (no matter the artist), I want to hear different styles.

People should stop judging people based on what they post on social media , messages sent to their friends and family or what insults and jokes they sent to their loved ones specially if it was done illegally without prior consent. They've only seen a 3 second conversation yet they haven't reflected to themselves they have gotten the messages illegally snooping into network and illegally obtaining them yet they want to be called " perfect". Oh and doxxing is also illegal add that to your "perfect" nature. Lol

you were too young

when she clawed her way in

taking over everywhere

whispering everything you think

entering you into the purple tornado of your thoughts

you pull the blanket over your head

trying to block out the noise

all the ideas of pain and blood

slowly following you under your shield

making it harder to breathe

restricting you

you were too young

when she stole your spark

leaving you lifeless and sleeping all day

leaving you with just raw emotions

you were too young

for all the shit she made you think

all the shit she made you do

all the self inflicted pain

you were too young

when she clawed her way in

you were too young

you were only 11

This morning, I had a weird feeling I can't really explain.

It started as how any usual day starts for me: excruciating mental pain. For the first half of the day, I thought I was done for, just like always. I remembered how much I was harassed and how ugly it got, and I thought I was gonna get found by the person who ultimately ruined my entire life in just one day. I'm pretty sure I said parts of what I can actually say in previous posts, but long story short I was completely done with my goals. I gave up, giving AI little of what was left of my creativity just to see if I can get that old spark back (which is a mistake, but I had zero resource and I was in a block).

Today, however, I felt something different after the second half of the day. I was scrolling through channels trying to crunch down another boring samey Sunday, until I landed on a movie about experiencing the joys of life. It ignited something on me; I looked around my living room, no shortage of something I'm good at: collecting Nintendo controllers specifically. In my living room alone, I found a cyan Wii Remote, a golden Classic Controller Pro, and my NSO 2 GameCube Controller. I looked at my trampoline and at all the free space in my house, and I thought about how much I love to run and exercise freely. I thought about my tastes in food and realized how unique they were--I might hate white condiments, but I love well-prepared anchovy pizza and pineapple pizza, I love drinking frozen matcha and eating loaded potato soup. I sat for a little longer and all of a sudden, I saw a vision of a character sitting beside me like if they were alive. Suddenly, I felt like I really wanted to go to the mall and let myself loose--find out what kinds of stores it had, how many stories, what where the anchors, what was at the food court, playing at a Dave & Busters, just overall letting myself loose and seeing the very appealing design that was the inside of a mall. This interest wasn't just an obligation to keep me stimulated; it was an actual call to return to my old self. I saw the similarities between my favorite (drawing) artists, and I stopped feeling anxious, even if some of these still make me go WTF. I acknowledged that despite their damning similarities, they each bring something new to the table and keeping me to innovate and do the same: follow the same footsteps but bring something new to the table. I even felt like coming up with a plan to start over with my art, presumably just in time for next year's ArtFight.

There's one problem though. I've had similar breakthroughs before, and I don't know how to keep the newfound spark. I'm enrolled in some coding classes that really frustrated me and completely broke on me and I'm pretty sure I failed the assignment because it's past the deadline and the whole program was straight up broken in the professor's end. It got me super mad, and it even blocked my creativity. My spark can easily just disappear.

So I have a question: what would you guys do to keep the spark alive? I do indeed have a plan to redefine what my creativity truly means, but what if more frustrating coding assignments ruin everything for this spark and leave me right where I got started once again?

This might sound a bit silly but really, I kinda need help combating with these weird thoughts

I’ve vented here before, and I really appreciated the support and perspectives others shared. But there’s something I brushed off before, as that was not the central topic of the previous vent and it wasn’t a big enough problem, until it started eating me today, and it’s become hard to ignore

I want to draw more than anything in the whole world. I’ve been drawing for 8 years, starting from the simple concept of a cube to a whole world of anthro animals/inanimates, silly creatures, all fantasy related, even evolving my old characters. From wolf-folk to living game controllers, it’s like a modern fantasy world, just like drawing was to me! Unfortunately, I couldn’t find myself drawing after having a lot of hardships, but after all the support I received recently, and even regaining access to Discord, I might give it a shot again, hell I would LOVE to try it again, but there’s something deeper blocking me: my envy…

Ever since 2020, I’ve started looking up to niche artists online—ones who draw stylized, humanoid non-human characters (anthros and such) with this barely-explainable aesthetic (Five-fingers, making it premium. They’re like exactly human characters but with the most notable parts of the item/animal, but there’s no valid name for it I could find, and it’s not furry and I ain’t one.) By the start of 2023, however, I noticed something weird about each new artist I became obsessed with, almost like a pattern but on different communities and social medias, and it’s not exactly what I asked each artist I admired to have and stuff that almost seemed to either taunt me or I just don’t know that it is an aesthetic that exists. Poetic blood in art, cigar(ettes), dangling shoes, the same obsessions in the same indie games, same online communities, same aesthetic. They even behaved in two ways: Overly cutesy and giddy, or kinda assholish and deadpan. The latest artist I started admiring checked all the boxes in a week, then today they revealed that not only are they obsessed with the same game, but also with the character that one of my favorite “niche” online artists designed. It almost feels like it’s not a coincidence coincidence and not inspiration or a neat fact. It suffocates me.

I tried emulating these kinds of artists for a long time, still having a subpar art style that tries to emulate the magic of those artists, but it always fails in several aspects, including the pose I want to strike. I am not motivated to draw, despite how much my heart tells me to. I’ve tried filling every similarity box while also bringing slight nerdism on technology and being nice to others. Why am I not having a proper consistent niche then? I’ve been forced to restart TWICE, not getting any better and always ending in failure. I want to be friends with those artists too, but I can’t get into their indie interests, let alone even talk to them normally just to be friends. I have met a few, and the closest to a friend would be one artist I commissioned twice. They offered me a Toyhouse code, but I just don’t know how to go about being publicly online. What if I screw up as bad as previously? It makes me so anxious. I want to have my own niche fandom, and I want to be nice to others, but others treat me like shit and attempt to drive me off the internet by spreading rumors about me and even grooming me.

Now, I have questions for you guys.

1. What would you do if you were me?

2. Have you guys ever felt the same weird connection between people you admire? If so:

a. Do you think it’s weird?

b. Do you feel more jealousy than admiration?

Is it me or are some song lyrics more relatable than others. One of the song lyrics I relate to is

"It was never to end like this"

"so go ahead and tell me what I did to deserve this " From Hurtlees by Dean Lewis. 🎵

This can be related to your mental health struggles or friendship that has ended.