Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 58

im not sure if this is the right category for this but i just need to get it off my chest so sorry if i start rambling a little bit

im 18 and honestly have been contemplating whether or not i should be alive right now.

for the last six months, my life has been pretty miserable. people talk about the uni experience like it’s some exciting thing but for me it’s been nothing but a source of dread and anxiety. i had a pretty rough last two years of high school where my grades plummeted to C’s in some classes and while i did get decent grades to get into uni itself, my uni grades have been so much worse. it’s been really hard seeing it happen because growing up i associated my worth as a person with my grades and therefore with bad grades im basically less than your average person. i failed some classes in my first term and i have been trying to rectify it this term but i lost my dog almost exactly a month ago tomorrow and have felt myself spiralling deeper down this depressive? episode if you could call it that.

for the last 11 years my dog’s probably one of the only people who has loved me unconditionally. im sure my parents’ love me but it always felt like if i didn’t meet their standards i was useless and a disappointment. they know about my uni grades which sparked a lot of strain on our relationship. as if there wasn’t enough already.

and i know people’s go to response is oh you need to talk to someone!! whether that’s a friend, sibling, or family but like my situation is different. i don’t think my friends could really help me with this and my parents aren’t very approachable and my brother is like 10. i love my parents wholeheartedly and while i get that being the oldest child means that they learned how to parent through me it’s just so hard being told that family is always there for you when i know that’s not the case. my dad’s there physically but not mentally and emotionally for his kids and my mom tries to be but she’s got a quick temper and constantly makes little comments about my appearance, weight, acne etc.

anyway we just got into another argument after they found out i got a bad grade on a midterm and it kind of made me realize how much i hate myself and my life. it kind of scares me that not even 15 minutes ago i was thinking about when i was back at my dorm i could just take a crap ton of painkillers and fall asleep and hope i don’t wake up or take a hike and get lost in the woods on purpose.

i also realized that some of my habits in the last couple months have been pretty self destructive/ could be seen as sh? like i stay up all night on my phone mindlessly watching a tv show/movie, reading books or comics even when my eyes are burning and then when i fall asleep it’s like im asleep for hours or like mindlessly playing video games(which have always been a coping mechanism/decompressor) for hours on end despite knowing i could be using the time to be productive.

i’d just like some sort of sign to keep going, something to motivate me because im very close to just ending it.

I feel awful. I was firmly convinced that my boyfriend was being controlling with me and when I read an article about the signs of being with a controlling partner I realized that actually my boyfriend isn't really that controlling, I am.

Why on earth do I meet every single criteria for what it means to be controlling in a relationship? And in the end of the article is the ab*sive hotline phone number.

Honestly, I'm worried about my own self and him. I keep telling him we should see a couples counselor, but he keeps saying in the future we will and that's not working for us. Initially, I looked up an article because I tried multiple times over the course of a few days to break up with him for being disrespectful to me and he would somehow convince me in the end to not break up.

I still think in his own way he is toxic and controlling, but I feel ashamed of myself. I feel stupid, too. I don't understand why I never even noticed that about myself before. He also never tells me directly that he thinks I'm being controlling, but I have told him when I think he is. I am scared of continuing being in this relationship with these behaviors of mine and his, too. It's just more reason to end the relationship, but he puts up resistance when I attempt to leave him. Now I see how we aren't a good fit for each other and it isn't just him. Idk how to get him to accept that it's over between us because we both need professional help.

I do actually have what I thought were solid reasons to explain my "controlling" behaviors and it really felt justified before reading the article. I would share it here too, but it's such a long story to be typing over a single text box. I guess I'm not entirely seeking any kind of advice. I'm mostly just venting. I am still trying to process that I wasn't as good of a partner as I felt I was all this time. I feel so guilty about things I possibly put my partner through without realizing. I wonder if I fix my end of the issues if he will just improve on his own as well or if it isn't worth it. I truly love him, I'm just afraid of wasting years of my life and his and in the end things fall apart. I don't want to fail if I invest everything I can into pur relationship together. I guess I'm unsure how to move forward with this and it's made me feel really upset.

When I was around 11-13 I was badly suicidal. I ended up attempting 4 times. Then the 5th time, it almost worked. I was in the hospital getting 52 stitches on both my arms and 8 on my left leg, I didn’t leave because I was terribly under fed (I was starving myself for almost 2 weeks surviving on water, gum, and if I didn’t feel horrible, crackers.) so they had to force feed me for 3 days. Then I got put in a mental hospital (mind you I was 12) for almost 3 weeks until I got attacked by a person there. Thinking it couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong. My mom then started abusing me and verbally abusing me. She then threw me down a staircase. Choked me, and then threw me down outside our house, when I had the chance I called 911. When they got there, I started crying, bruised in my neck, my knees bleeding, a huge bruise on my forehead. They only talked to my mom, not me the victim. When the paramedics arrived I only got to tell them. The officers asked to see my neck, and they then asked me. “Are you dating someone that’s in college?” I had no idea what they ment at ALL. when I told them I had no idea what w

They ment. My mom told them that she was punishing me for talking to an older guy (she found a hat one of my friends dad gave me from his college year which had the logo and name, year everything and I told her and she didn’t believe me.) so I told them I didn’t know and they just shut me up in the paramedics van. To THIS DAY. no one believes me. Not one bit. When I move out, should I cut contact with my family? My dad backed her up even though when my mom threw a tv at me he did nothing. Not a single thing.vmind you SHES been abusing me for years on end, one point she locked me a room. No food, no water, no blanket, no bathroom, I wasn’t aloud to leave till she said I could. I don’t feel safe around her and I don’t think I’d trust my kids around her when I have some.

I tried a dating app awhile ago, I think two months now, and matched with a really sweet girl but it ended poorly to say the least. She told me that she was monogamous and acespec like me, but then tried to polybomb me, basically saying though she could see herself in a relationship with me that I wasn't worth monogamy. I'm still really hurt by that, it was the first time I really tried putting myself out there after a lot of trauma in my life (which she knew about- was one of the few people to not just treat me like crap right off the back for it. I told her more than I have ever told most people, not everything, but a lot) and so now I'm just... Sad.

I feel like I just don't belong anywhere. I'm intersex and transfem, preferring T4T, but my being intersex makes a not small number of the trans community say I "don't count" or "can't be trans" among other things. On top of that, it seems like there are no acespec or monogamous trans people, especially not transfems. I will just call myself queer and sapphic leaning for the sake of this post. It's not a lie, it's not wrong, it's just also not completely correct and doesn't say the whole picture.

My being disabled and chronically ill also makes a lot of potential partners steer clear. I feel like I have no community for FRIENDSHIP let alone romance with all I have going on, plus being stuck in a deep red part of an already red state, I was attacked just trying to buy groceries a few weeks after the election so I'm even more hesitant to even try to go anywhere for anything. I haven't set foot back in that store, settling for buying food at dollar stores as they're the only other thing close to where I live, because I'm so terrified of people hurting me again. I've thought of trying a dating app again, but I'm afraid of being manipulated like before again, and with the state of things I can see dating apps soon becoming dangerous for the lgbtqia2p community in general.

The world just feels so hostile, I have so much going on (see my last entries and just... A lot I won't get into), all I want is someone to cuddle up to and get through the storm with. Someone I can lean on, let them lean on me, be myself with and be loved/accepted wholly. Give them that in return. I don't think I've ever had anyone really do that to/for/with me. Platonic, familial, romantic- nothing. Whole other cans of worms.

I don't know. I guess I just want to say watch out for people who lie about being mono then try to polybomb you, and if any of you who do that sort of thing are reading this, cut it the hell out. It's also not being bigoted towards poly folk to just not want to be poly or date anyone who is poly, quit acting like it is, and telling someone that they're not worth commitment essentially? Disgusting. You're poly, fine and dandy, don't shame people who aren't or try to trick them into it. That's also not be polybashing, either. I'm just, admittedly, very hurt and traumatized further after that experience. In order to explain just why, I'd have to give information that would doxx me however, so I will not.

I also want to say, I wish sex wasn't put on such a high pedestal in love, that there were more people who liked cuddling and emotional connection over intimacy in that way. I wish cis people didn't see me, intersex person, as a broken thing needing fixed- that trans people would recognize I'm part of the community and have no privilege over them. We are both hurt by the same bigotry, the same bigots, I just want community and to belong. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to find my forever people, friends and love, make the family I never got to have.

Does anyone have any advice for what I can do in my situation in regards to attempting to date? Or am I a lost cause?

This site has become my way to scream into the void, I guess, I'm sorry I'm so depressing.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months in the past couple weeks. He’s been really moody. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve asked him about it. I’ve explained that it’s making me feel down because he won’t explain and I feel useless as a girlfriend. The other day we were on call (luckily) as we haven’t called for a couple days and he was still upset so of course me being people pleaser I tried to make him laugh. I said that I was gonna hack and do school frame and spy on the campus cameras, (this is how we don’t take it seriously I would never do something like that) and he went into full detail of why I wasn’t gonna, and I told him that it was just a joke and that I was sorry. And then I said jokingly “you hate me, don’t you?” And he replied with “yeah, who wouldn’t hate a sensitive bitch like you” and I paused for almost 5 straight minutes wondering if you really said that or if I was just insane. he tried saying that he was just being sarcastic and that he didn’t mean it like that, but he yelled at me and I managed to squeeze out a “oh. Sorry.” And I hung up and cried myself myself to sleep. Ever since then he’s been really moody and I can’t even explain how different he is right now. I feel like he’s just lust. He only ever text me when he’s in a mood or when he wants something from me. I’m pretty much carrying the entire emotional relationship against me and him and just about a couple hours ago, he told me that he was cutting himself. I told him I wasn’t gonna be sensitive anymore. I told him to tell me what was going on as he wasn’t talking to me about anything and would just brush it off. I told him that I feel useless as a girlfriend. Which I really do. And how if he can’t talk to me who would he talk to my acknowledging? I am the only person ever talk to unless he’s hiding someone from me or people. I’ve told him I need to know that he can trust me and if he can’t, then I don’t know if we should be together anymore and I just asked him if he was gonna leave me because he has been showing no interest in me unless it’s for lust. I also feel like my body doesn’t excite him anymore. He’s really dry and always asked me to do something different and in person, he’s only ever talked about having sex. Never holding hands, never hugging never nothing only lust. I have told him that I don’t like the way he talks to me sometimes. I don’t think he realized what I meant. I’ve tried everything to do to go see him and he refuses to come see me even though he has nothing holding him back. Just he doesn’t want to. AITA for telling him that I don’t think he’s caring enough about me when I care too much about him? Even if he is in a bad place right now I still wanna feel special. I wanna feel loved. I’ve had my ups and downs and even I still push things away to comfort him. I feel like I’m giving up too much for him.

Just to vent lol. Read if you wish. But i would.like your opinion if you can.

Everytime a relative or a cousin goes through their last year of high-school or entrance exam, my mum needs to bring up how I did badly in them, which tbh was not even that bad. I scored 90% in school but that's "bad" compared to what they were expecting. We are indians for some context. I am literally in 3rd yr of uni but my mom keeps bringing it up.

Because I did my high-school during covid and it was all online, I couldn't keep up with it and the pressure was insane that I just stopped studying. I lived with them and honestly I was so tired everyday. Ofcourse you couldn't really "see" anything, I acted like I was studying while I cheated on every internal exam because she kept asking to see the rank. It got so worse that everyday I would go to sleep hoping to not wake up the next day. I had 0 positivity towards life and I just wouldn't do anything. I only decided to start studying like the last 2 months of high-school which was why I have the marks I have but obviously couldn't get the entrance.

Now my cousin is going to take the exam and their parents have no expectations on her. I told my parents that my cousin can score more than what her parents expect because its not that hard. Obviously my mistake.

Then they asked me why I couldn't get it then since they sent me for special coaching and everything. I said I was a different case and I was too homesick [literally the first thing that came to my head cuz I did live like 6 months in the last year of high-school at a relatives house and this was also one of the factors].

Her immediate response was to laugh and then say it was not true. Then she asked if so, why I wasn't homesick when I went to uni or what happened in the year I was home when I lived with them.

I refused to tell her and she just believes that I just wasted time because I spent all my time watching movies.

I dont want to open this can of worms and tell her how pressured I was to get a good score thst I completely stopped studying and has been passively suicidal since then. Not one day since my high-school have I woken up thinking today will be a good day or I am happy to live today.

I have my happy moments and I don't show it a lot obviously but not a day passes by where I wish my life will have a stop hahah

But ik that if I tell her this she will just laugh at me call me weak willed or that I am acting.

I dont want to tell them the real reason cuz i don't want to put them through that but honestly she will never even understand it. Anytime I try to tell anything she just shut me down and act like I am just over reacting and it doesn't exist. Then she has the audacity to ask why I never told her these things.

Like yes, u put so much pressure on your child they wished they did not live a single day extra and you want them to come tell you this so you can laugh in their face and shut down their feelings?

Bohoo cry me a river

hello. I honestly am writing this to just vent. I don't have anyone in my life who I can talk to about this.

I have two best friends. They are my only friends really. I have known them since I can remember, our families are all friends.

I am 22 and all I have known my whole life is that they are my best friends.

I won't go into detail but our friendship has had its ups and downs over the years; largely to do with being left out and ignored, them mad when i would attempt to make other friends or even just talk to people they wanted to be friends with, them keeping things from me and gossiping.

Don't get me wrong we have also had amazing memories made. Them and their families feel like my own relatives and are such prominent people in my life. I honestly can't imagine having grown up without them. And I have so much gratitude towards them for making my youth so memorable and important.

Recently one of my friends got married and the other is engaged. I however have never been in a relationship or anything romantic at all.

My friends are drifting away from me. I will try and organise to spend time with them which they will either ignore or say they want to then never follow through. I find out weeks later that they spend a lot of time together just them. I live just over an hour away so I just always tell myself it's just cause it's harder for me to go to them and them to come to me. But lately they just don't tell me anything. I am constantly updating them about my life and asking them and trying for them to tell me about theirs but they don't say anything just a casual 'all good'

I can feel myself chipping away and I feel so alone. I'm not close to my siblings for certain reasons and the only parent that cares about me is my mum.

I've dedicated my whole life into trying to be the best friend for them and now I'm realising that I have no one else. They are pulling away from me and have each other and their other friends. I'm all on my own.

Ive asked them before if I am doing anything to upset them or make them not want to be friends with me. They constantly tell me that im sweet and kind and I'm their bestest friend.

So I just don't understand how or why they put no effort to stay friends with me. I'm tired of being the only one who seems to care about our friendship. I dont want to end our friendship though because they mean so much to me and I don't want to be alone. But I don't know how to keep going like this.

Constantly feeling unwanted and unneeded.

The world moves in patterns. Some call it fate, others call it coincidence. But she? She calls it cruel.

She didn’t mean to notice him. She didn’t mean to find comfort in his presence, in the way he existed so effortlessly while she felt like she was constantly trying to prove she belonged. But the universe, with all its twisted humor, the way the way it seemed to thread him into her life without permission. It kept bringing them together—always almost, never quite. It was infuriating. It was ridiculous. It was… comforting.

And maybe, just maybe, that was the scariest part.

Maybe it was a test. Maybe it was a lesson. Or maybe it was nothing at all, and she was just a fool searching for meaning where there was none.

But if that were true… why did it hurt?

Tuesday 4:48-4:57 February 4th.

I’m 14 and was volunteering at a musical. Devon asked for me the first time asking me to bring el to him and that I can’t tell anyone and to make sure she’s alone (she’s in tech) she said she had beef with him and didn’t wanna go alone so she brought leelind (10th grader also in tech) el said that he looked like he wanted to say something then leelind walked in and she asked about a student. Then he asked Tristan (in tech) to bring me (Kiera) to him. I walked in and said “what do you need” and he responded with “I don’t know how to ask you this but, I can’t get bricked. I’ve been sitting here trying to and I can’t get bricked.” And I said “ok? What am I supposed to do about your problem.” And he changed the subject by saying “has anyone uhh you know, hit a home run? (Basically asking me if I have had sex.) you know what mean right?” Then my friend Asten walked in and he completely changed the subject and then I paused to think about what I should do. I wanted to get out of the situation so I said “oh my mom’s calling me.” Then I left the room to call my mom and have her pick me up, but when. I called her Devon was waiting around the Corner for me to be done. I went into the back room where Eli was and told him what was happening and Ashton came in so I also told her. Eli then starting following me around to make sure Devon would stop following me. My mom was on her way and as I picked up my backpack he asked “do you wanna have sex” I told him no and that I had a boyfriend then he started asking who and followed me out. Luckily Eli Humphrey (in tech) followed me out to make sure Devon didn’t, luckily Devon stopped following me and then Eli made a comment saying “freaking pervert” acknowledging that Devon was being weird and harassing me. I then sprinted out of the school to my dad

This may be a little embarrassing but im on my period and ticked the fck off. I am a transmasc male and a teen. I recently got some boxers as part of my gender affirming care. So i got like 6 pairs in the pack. There's pink, black, blue, dark purple and tan. And the black ones are the only ones that don't show when i accidentally bleed through my pad. But my annoying little sister has been wearing my fucking underwear???? Like what the fuck?? Its gross. Yea maybe she's like me and masc or smt but still, that doesn't give her the right to put on my fucking boxers?? And then when i confronted her, she hid under a blanket. I gave up and started ranting to our oldest sibling about it and she started repeating 'get out' over and over again, like who the fck does she think she is?? Its not even her room! And then, when I don't leave, she grabs some type of like coloring book and raises it like she's going to throw it and i flinch (duh) and i just absolutely lost it. I screamed at her. Shes fucking mental. She's batshit crazy, she would've thrown it too if my oldest sibling wasn't it the room. She constantly hits me, hits my oldest sibling. I'm pissed off.

My parents are good people but it’s just that I can’t feel that spark of familiarity with them even though they are my biological parents. And I just don’t know what to do

I don’t know when exactly I started feeling like this, but lately, everything just feels heavy, like I am carrying a weight that nobody else can see, and no matter how much I try to shake it off, it just stays there. I wake up, go through the motions, smile when I need to, pretend everything is fine, but deep down, I keep wondering what the point of all this even is. What are the reasons to live when everything feels like too much? It is like my brain keeps whispering that nothing really matters, that I am just stuck in some cycle of existing without actually living. And maybe that is why I started thinking about reasons to live, because I know there have to be some, even if they feel impossible to see right now. The first reason, I guess, is that feelings are temporary. I have had bad days before, bad months even, and I got through them. I know I won’t always feel this way, even if my mind tries to tell me I will. The second reason is that there are still things I have not experienced, and I don’t want to leave without knowing what is out there. Maybe there is a city I have never been to that would make me feel alive in a way I never imagined. Maybe there is a song I have not heard yet that will give me chills or a book I will get lost in. Maybe there is a person I have not met yet who will change my whole life. And even if it takes time to find those things, I think they are worth waiting for. The third reason is the people who care about me, even if I sometimes convince myself they don’t. I know that if I disappeared, there would be people who would feel the weight of that forever, and I don’t want to be the reason someone else carries this kind of pain. The fourth reason is that I still have choices. As much as it feels like I am stuck, I know that life does not have to stay the same. If I hate my job, I can change it. If I feel lonely, I can try to reach out. If my life feels empty, I can fill it with new things. Nothing is set in stone, and that means there is always a way forward, even if I don’t see it yet. The fifth reason is that I have survived everything that has tried to break me so far, and that means I am stronger than I give myself credit for. If I made it through all the hard days before this, then maybe, just maybe, I can make it through this too. The sixth reason is that life is unpredictable, and while that can be terrifying, it also means that things can change in ways I never expect. A year from now, I could be in a completely different place, with different people, feeling completely different than I do now. And if there is even a small chance of that, then maybe I owe it to myself to stick around and see what happens. The seventh reason is that I don’t want my story to end like this. I don’t want this to be the final chapter. I don’t know what comes next, but I want to find out. Maybe the reasons to live aren’t always loud and obvious. Maybe they are just little things, like feeling the sun on my skin, drinking a cup of coffee in the morning, hearing my favorite song at the perfect moment. Maybe they are things I haven’t even thought of yet. But they are there, even when I can’t see them, and I am trying to hold onto them, even when everything in me wants to let go.

Hello, it's been a while since I opened this app. I don't know who I can talk about this to because I don't want to be judged by my friends, so I thought about talking here and ask for advice regarding this 🥲 There's this guy I like, since the start of the school year, he's the top 1 of our batch, really cute, and he's the youngest out of all of us. He's two years younger than me. I told his friend abt my small crush on him, and he told me that he's not interested in anyone and it's like he has his own world, after that talk I kind of hoped I had a small chance of him liking me back. But then recently, we had this class assignment in school where all of us should prepare a pretend wedding, and of course, in a wedding you're supposed to have a bride and a groom. I was chosen as the bride, and our class really wanted my crush to be the groom since we had past acting experiences where he was the male lead and I was the female lead. We asked him, and he replied with "What. I'll just stay at the food preparations... Give me 100k and I'll consider it" I don't know how to feel guys, I feel a bit heartbroken by that, but at the same time I don't know if I should feel this way since idk if he replied with that because I was the bride, or if he just doesn't want to be the groom I have been rlly obvious of liking him so maybe he's just uncomfortable with me. I just feel so sad and heartbroken because of his reaction like it made me rethink if I deserve to be loved ☹️☹️ His friend asked him again and we are still waiting for his reply because our classmates rlly want it to be him, but another guy stepped up and told me that he's willing to be the groom. Should I still wait for his reply or do we get the other guy instead to be our groom?? Sorry if it's kind of lengthy, I rlly need an advice guys 🙏 tysm!

I've been in a constant state of fight or flight, honestly I've been in crisis, since the election. I'm disabled, trans and intersex, other flavors of 'undesirable' in the eyes of the government. I was close to taking my life and writing hotlines pretty much everyday sobbing my eyes out. My psychiatrist said if I refused to be hospitalized (I did) then we were down to Spravato and Electroconvulsive Therapy... Yes, she basically said the only solution was nasal spray ketamine or electroshock. I wish I was joking. I'm allergic to so much that these three things were my only option left. Are my only option, but I'm just done. No. I refuse it all.

There's a decent chance ALL healthcare might be taken away from me soon anyhow.

I decided to give Spravato a try, I was really, really hoping it would work. It didn't. My blood pressure shot up so high I almost had to go to the ER, I couldn't stop panicking and crying, I almost threw up multiple times. I am familiar with dissociation, it's a horrendous feeling I get sadly often, but I can tell the... Cycle of it? I suppose? As in, even when dissociating or having derealization, I can tell when it's at it's worst and when it's staring to wane. With Spravato, not so, it was two hours of being at the worst part of all my dissociative episodes and panic attacks at once with no reprieve. Closing my eyes made it worse, I couldn't even try to sleep to get through it, I had so many nurses coming in and out. A random man who was there also getting Spravato himself came in and tried to talk me and my mother through it and reassure us that sometimes that that even still happened to him. I can remember the talking, but it's more like I'm looking back on a movie I watched, not something I witnessed. All that felt like it was me in that moment was the fear. Nausea. My heart wanting to break through my ribcage, the pain of each heartbeat, rattling in my brain of memories and thoughts both that I couldn't differentiate among other things. It was just too much.

Finally, finally after two hours it started to let up, they took my blood pressure and since it wasn't at a concerning level (it was not normal still but not medically concerning? I think?) I was allowed to come home. I almost threw up multiple times on the ride home.

I was essentially sedated for three or four days after, too tired to tell what I was feeling but knowing I wasn't happy or okay, just too tired to cry or panic anymore. My heart kept beating funny off and on, though, I kept getting chest pain off and on. It's still happening off and on and it's been a few weeks. I'm scared it permanently damaged my heart, I already have so much going on, I can't do it.

All therapeutic effects it had are gone, all the fear and grief and dread and pain are back in full force, my family is trying to convince me to try it again and I refuse. My mother told me, essentially, she liked me better sedated. My pain, my fear for my life under this regime in America with so much being taken away from me (after being attacked just getting groceries two weeks after the election by the way), is an inconvenience so I need to just "be normal."

I can't help but wonder if there's hidden meaning behind "be normal." I could get into the why, I could get into my whole life story leading up to this of medical malpractice, but I won't. It's too much. There's so much I need and want to say but what's even the point?

I suppose I'll end this with something that happened a few days ago that's still hurting me, that was my reason to coming to this site again. I still don't really know how it works, if you can see my other post, but it's pertinent to this if you can. I tried one more time, one more time to reach out to someone to help me, give me help feasible for me with all of my limitations. Admittedly, getting a bit angry, because all the "advice" given even when I explained my situation was things I couldn't do. I tried explaining again, and it was turned back on me. I'm apparently a fascist for saying poor, disabled, non-white and intersex people are being left out of people's consideration when giving queer (especially trans) Americans help or instructions to help themselves. I was apparently posting "fascist bait" and somehow I'm also a Nazi? I don't even know. All I said was that I needed help, I just needed some steps given to me to take to try and get myself safe, to a better place. Then, got frustrated, and said their advice wasn't even advice for me or many others in my situation. It felt like dismissal and a "welp not my problem- figure it out!" and I said so. I said that people need to stop leaving the most vulnerable of the lgbtqia2p community in the dust and this girl got four other people to gang up on me.

I give up. I deleted all social media, I feel hopeless but won't write Trevor or 988, no one wants to help me. No one who can will, because I'm "not valuable" enough. Not to another country, not even to a blue state, nothing at all. I need too much help, have too many targets on my back, and have the nerve to point out that people are pulling the ladder up behind them once they get theirs and seeing certain parts of the community in the dust. Even some trans people are, mainly those of us that are poor and or disabled, intersex and or non-white. Of which I am all of.

And now I sit here alone, sad, thinking about everything and wishing I could close my eyes and wake up anybody else tomorrow. Wake up and find out this was all just a bad dream.

No, I'm not going to do anything to myself, I'm just so tired. If you can see people's past posts on here, again, what I said before sort of gives more context but even with both these two posts it's not everything going on with me.

Goodnight, I guess.

I have no ambition. I like to be with my electronics so no one can bother me no one can tell me what to do because what’s the point. I loose motivation for any new thing that I do. I’m almost 20 years old and still living with my parents. I want to move out but even I don’t feel like I can. I want to talk to a friend but I’m nervous and no matter what I do I can never escape the nervousness. I know this seems out of place but I just need to vent. Because at this point I’m just lost