Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 22

[ this is taken directly from a desktop file I made recently. it was originally supposed to act as a message, but not anymore. take this into account. ]

hello. i won't say your name, you probably don't want me to speak it anyway. i look over all the shitty things you said to strangers about me every day. it reminds me of how you really think of me rather than how you want me to think. and yet you still wonder why i cut myself off. ironic, isn't it? all those things you said about me not understanding you, even if you did the same thing back to me tenfold. how funny must it be to make a big point about leaving me behind only to talk shit about me when i take a break? when i express my own beliefs and opinions rather than yours? when i do anything that you don't like? even if i didn't even know? and yet, i didn't cut you off for myself. ironically, i did it for you. you're making new friends, glorifying them to me as if i'm nothing. as if you're looking at me and saying 'see these people? let me tell you just how much better friends they are'. stop telling me what you think i want to hear. two-faced.

-b

My parents spoke to me in English from 0-10, even though we are not western at all. I spoke in English, read in English, and though in English. But they realized their mistake too late, and only started speaking to me in Iranian from 11 untill now, fifteen. I previously understood Iranian perfectly well, but wouldn't talk in it. Thankfully I am now able to hold my own in Iranian with family members, yet that doesn't seem to stop anyone from thinking i'm an airhead. I live in an Arab country. Great for when you're already struggling with two languages, why not throw one more on that pile? I understand Arabic, Iranian and English completely, but can only fluently and easily talk in English. I think in English. Then translate. It is so incredibly tiring, and it's impossible to describe the feeling to my parents who grew up speaking all three. They think in a mix of languages. I think in only English. When I open my mouth, I have to force anything that's not English out, and it's so incredibly frustrating because I have no respect for this language. This disgusting, not pleasing to the ear, language of the colonizers who took everything including my tongue. How dearly I wish to speak Arabic and Iranian. These beautiful, rich languages that have so much to do with me, and nothing to do with the west. I want to read Quran fluently, read poems in Iranian, and finally be able to talk to people who don't know English easily. I'm so sick of making a mistake while trying to speak and then eternally getting labelled as a chicken nugget. I am worth more than the language I speak, and it is so disheartening to be pushed aside before I get the chance to express myself. I'll show a family member my report card, and they'll ignore the 100% in all other subjects except for islamics and Arabic, 90%. And the reason why I can't get the full marks is because I lack participation, because I can't answer a question unless in English or broken Arabic. I feel stupid, even though I know my worth, and I don't know what to do. Because every time I try to push myself to talk in broken Iranian or Arabic, I get laughed at. By the people who speak broken English. Can't they see? That I don't have what they have, and they don't have what I have? I am no less than them, I know it but it stings nevertheless. How on earth do I fix this? I'm open to any suggestions (╥_╥)

It's no longer anonymous for me. I started venting here because I could get advice from people who don't know me. But someone who does know me knows my so-called "anonymous" username somehow, and I know his. I'm switching to a different anonymous venting site, where I can use a different username for each vent. I'm not telling where, for my privacy. Peace out people.

Everytime someone is trying to fix something it always comes out the worst but it's fine it is what it is lol

I'm on my journey to lose weight and I'm looking for an easy and always a healthy way to lose weight.

Thanks for the advices, xoxo

Yea that's right. I feel like dying in my family. No one understands me. My mother has constantly abused me, beaten me up, given me so many bruises ever since I was young. I got headfalls. I used to get burnt with spoons heated on stoves when I was young. If I would ever talk about going out, like playing outside, or asking them for something to eat or anything, I would constantly get beaten up. My dad would never do anything. He would just stand there on a corner and say, bear with it, as if he's consenting to whatever is happening to me right now with my mother. It has always made me feel like I don't belong here. They just gave birth to me for the sake of it, for producing a child and to compete with the family. Ever since I was young, I used to get beaten up every single day for the most childish reasons. One time, I went to school and came back and didn't study and said that I'm going to go out and play and didn't come back for after the, you know, curfew time. My mother just locked me up outside for like half an hour and I just got so scared and anxious because she used to say that, she used to threaten me that people would rape me, that men would kidnap me and rape me when I was that young. I was like in fourth grade. Imagine saying that to a fourth grader, let alone your own child. It just broke me. Completely. I got extremely tired of staying here. Now I finally have the chance of moving out this country itself, if i won't get it, idk what i might do to myself.

Sorry if this feels too long for y'all. Do skip this if you don't wanna go through it all. I feel like I'm reaching out desperately for attention and warmth by people by doing this. But I'm gonna say it all anyway. I'm a victim of bullying in school. I've never been able to say it all completely word by word before until now. It all started with me falling off of my school van, and of course constant headfalls by family abuse, and developing epileptic seizures. I got heavily targeted by my school mates for this temporary disability i had. I used to eat tabs for seizures, i don't remember the name of it as my parents moderated my medications. It made me lethargic and drunk basically. I barely had any idea of what was happening around me. I was always in a daze. But everyone, took advantage of it and belittled me. Even one of my teachers. It all actually started from 3rd grade, before that i was extremely bright and a top grade student. Also started from my 3rd grade homeroom teacher. She knew i had a problem and would still make me do things i genuinely couldn't and then punish me in front of everyone, announcing everyone that I'm a "Retard", yea that's right, she used that word at me without any sense of remorse or sympathy for me. And this is how no one started respecting me. They'd steal my tiffins, my stationery, put stones in my backpack, pull my hairband and throw them in the dustbin, break stuff and then blame me for doing it because OF COURSE I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON I WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF EVERYTHING AND FELT LIKE A BURDEN. Once my "friends"... my naive ass used to think they were my friends, broke my bench partner's glasses, and blamed it all on me when i was clearly just taking a nap. They beat me in the class in front of everyone. I went and complained to my teacher about it but she did nothing ofc. I got a stray dog bite in 5th grade, and yeah... it fuelled their excuses for bullying me. I joined karate in school to kind of cope with all this, and i was surprisingly very adept at it. But yeah, i became an outcast to everyone there too, except my sensei who used to praise me for everything. 6th grade. I got bullied by my class teacher again. She'd say I'm a crybaby and can't do anything on my own, and call me smart in front of my parents. What a horrid woman. Again everyone ostracized me for that. I finally met my math teacher in 6th grade who was kind enough and understood me and validated me for my qualities. I got attached to her because it was the first time i got praised and felt loved by someone. I almost didn't want to transfer schools because of her. 8th grade scored some friends and became one of the top students again, but yeah, i had no luck in my life, they all got striped away from me at 9th grade, got stuck in an alien class, with no one i knew or no one who respected me. But then again, in 9th grade I became one of the top 10 rankers out of nowhere, all that alone studying paid off. I became the most knowledgeable person in class, which I'm proud of, but still got heavily hated and based by the people in my class. They'd ask me for notes, and then write curses on the back of my copies and give them back. I got tired of it all and asked my parents to change schools but guess what? they said "bear with it" and would ask me for advice if i should. Who in their right mind asks a kid for their opinion on this? If i suddenly caught a liking to some teacher, of course i wouldn't see the bigger picture and say no to transferring. But they thought i was "mature" enough and asked me these and now blame me when i tell them why they didn't do it all. 10th grade i was finally opening up and started to show myself despite my fear of people, but yeah. The world hates me. Welcome corona quarantine. Got sheltered again. Broke me again completely. Couldn't get myself out of the shell anymore and passed 12th like this. I kind of got adapted to the people in the place i lived in, sounds contradictory to my whole story, but yeah, it was the norm i knew. Then my parents, heartlessly, had no pinch of wellbeing for me, and transferred places. Went to the south, where people have NIGHT AND DAY differences from the north. Were nicer but sexist, i couldn't stand them, it wasn't the normal public in my eyes. I somehow managed to put a face at university for the first year and a half of the second, forcing myself to stand out and look cool, look like a well knowledgeable person, who's good at everything. But I couldn't anymore. I dropped my academics, stopped trying, but idk how i somehow miraculously completed my degree. I'm sorry for venting so much. I had to finally let all of this out for once. It's been like months since I graduated my university. I know I shouldn't let this past bother me, but it keeps haunting me every single moment of my existence. I had to let it all out, this app seemed perfect to do so. Thanks for reading till here. I just want to feel heard and seen, may it be even anonymously.

So, here's a thing I've been trying to wrap my head around recently—I like men. 😅 I'm 23, chill guy, and for the longest time, I thought I was supposed to be interested in women. You know, the usual societal expectations and all. I've had girlfriends before, crushes I thought were intense, and those typical high school flings. Still, over the past few months, something shifted within me. It's like unveiling a new layer of my identity; something that's been shadowed for a while. I guess I've been living under a heteronormative assumption all these years, thinking that's where my affinities lied. But, now... it's like, WOW!

The revelation came rather subtly, through a series of enlightening experiences that could rival a coming-of-age movie. Like, who would have thought that a simple conversation with this guy I met at a coffee shop could spark such introspection? We clicked instantly, sharing thoughts on everything from existentialism to astrophysics. Once, he quoted Oscar Wilde, saying, "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance," and it hit me hard! 🧐 It wasn't just admiration for his intellect, but there was something more profound, an attraction that felt... right? I started recognizing these feelings weren't anomalous but rather indicative of a broader truth;

Anyway, I've been exploring LGBTQ+ resources and forums to understand this better. You know how it is... investigation mode activated! I've learned about Kinsey's scale of sexual orientation and how sexuality is fluid, not fixed—fascinating stuff, really! It's like reading through 'The Hidden History of Homosexuality' and realizing that this isn't new or weird but part of a continuum of human experience. 🤔 That was quite comforting to discover, knowing that others have traversed this path before me and come out (pardon the pun) just fine. Yet, it’s foreign ground for me and kind of daunting. Do I need to label myself now, or can I just, I don't know, be??? Love is a spectrum, right???

I think I am going to go insane living with my grandmother because god forbid I am late to make my bed one day and suddenly I am a ungrateful do nothing when I have told her time and time again to just say when she needs me to help her I can not read her mind because when you offer to help she tells you no or gets mad. She wants me to find a job and I am trying my hardest but the job market isnt the greatest right now so I would lovee to see her try! I try and keep to myself just so I dont piss her off but today was the day I was late to making my bed and she said I know you are a busy women (sarcastically) but when are you going to make your bed and I responded with I was about to and her response was no you werent until I said something so I simply said no I was going to make the bed in a second to which she said dont get smart with me. I am a generally blunt and dry person as she knows and makes jokes about. Literally losing it over here and can not wait for when I get job and a house of my own.

Are we all just crows to you now? Are you just above it all? do you keep people around, just to drop them later? Should I ever have trusted you? Because I'm thinking that you do just abandon people as you see fit. I'm thinking that I never should have trusted you. I'm thinking that you never gave two shits about me. And you know what? if you didn't, I don't care anymore. You do you. I'll do me. We can go out separate ways. I don't mind. Friends drift all the time. It's a natural thing. And honestly, the way you treat people is your problem, not mine. I'm not mad at you. Not anymore. I'm over it. And you can go ahead and turn everyone else against me as well. I've done just fine on my own before and I can do it again. see ya.

So here I am, 41 years old, a dude who’s been married for a good chunk of time, and it seems my wife has decided that couples therapy is a must. She thinks it's gonna fix whatever’s broken in our little world. I get it, maybe I’m not the best at pouring my heart out—that’s always been her forte. But every time we sit in those sessions, I’m blank. My mind's as empty as a bird-less sky, and it's pissing her off. She wants deep conversations; I’m more of a "cut to the chase" guy. The therapist throws out terms like "emotional bandwidth" and "communication barrier," and while it sounds sophisticated, it really just makes me feel like I’m taking a pop quiz I didn’t study for. Am I supposed to say what’s really on my mind or just nod and agree? Anyone who’s been there, what's the deal? 🤔

My wife hit me with a quote once, "The unexamined life is not worth living,"...; it sure sounds smart, but I'm still scratching my head about how it applies to our Tuesday at 5 PM therapy slots. I’m supposed to dig up stuff to talk about—things from the past, the future, "feelings" (whatever they are). But here’s the truth, maybe I'm scared of opening up. What if peeling back those layers just exposes more crap I didn’t even know was buried deep in my subconscious? And here's another thing: I've always been a "don't fix it if it ain't broke" guy, but maybe that's led to some cracks in the foundation. Friend of mine once said, "Marriage is like a poker game; you gotta know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em." Maybe it’s time I start holding up my end of the deal a bit better without turning every session into a game of 20 questions. I'm hopeful because change is possible, right? But damn, how do you even start? Anyone else out there in the same spot, any tips, or is it just blah blah until the clock runs out?

Does anyone else’s boyfriend treat weekends like a professional gaming tournament? Mine wakes up, strolls out of the bedroom, and plants himself in front of the TV like he’s clocking in for work. If we have errands, it takes a good half hour of sitting and waiting just to get him to walk out the door. And the moment we’re back? Straight back to the TV like nothing happened. Even ordering dinner becomes a gaming side quest—he’ll half-pick something, pass it to me, and then come back later attempts to continue where we left off 🤦🏻‍♀️

He says he wants to get healthier and lose weight. But so far, his workout routine consists of thumb sprints and the occasional frustrated jump when the game doesn’t go his way. He claims that before we met, he’d work out after work. Honestly? Judging by his current routine, I’m 90% sure he’s talking about a fictional version of himself from an alternate universe. Basically, his life revolves around work, sleep, and the TV. The TV is on from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed. Honestly I’m so fed up.

Soo, it was my first time applying for a job and it didn't go well. I submitted my application last Monday and when I went home I found out I gave the unedited cover letter, so I went back on Tuesday to resubmit the right one. Today, I emailed my application letter and resume then I sent it to the wrong email address, it was cc the first email was right but the cc was not. So I resend it again when I sent it I forgot to write the subject so I resent another one again. I just hope that they will email me back. Everything I did was a mess, I feel so stupid.

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Jessica Romina Alcaraz Guzmán.

You cheated on me with your superior, you thought I wouldn't find out, you're the worst, you deserve the worst in the world.

I hope you find your other half or your other trash in the dumpster. You're scum.

Ive been trying to hang out with my cousin more but everytime I join the discord call I feel like shes upset or one of her friends is upset I joined because they will say my name in a disinterested tone and I dont know if Im just reading too much into it because I am and have been anxious since my last and only friend group broke up I think Im just going to like stop joining or something I dont know I just dont want to be like hey guys! Include me pick me or whatver you know

I mean me and my cousin were talking 1 on 1 and she said I could dm her whenever but my anxiety is telling me different