Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 23

Hello loml. I still think about you up to this day and it doesn't get any better lol. I hope you doing okay.

Confession

So, I want to start by saying this is 100% a real experience I’m going through. And although it is s*xual in nature it is NOT just some s*xual post by someone trying to get off through the comments. Anyways. 3 years ago my fiancé passed away suddenly after being with each other since we were teenagers. She was 26. We had the most connected and comfortable s*xual relationship that it’s humanly possible. We knew what each other wanted, we were comfortable exploring any and everything DEEP in our minds, no matter how “weird” it got. It was incredible. And not to mention she was BEAUTIFUL. And I know every man says that about their partner but it’s different when they actually are attractive on a level where they could have ANYONE they want. She was mixed. Light skin. 5’5 145 lbs with curves everywhere. Just perfect. Anyways, since her passing. It has been hell for me emotional but also sexually. Just how connected we were with it in general makes me think it’ll never happen again. That I’ll never be as attracted or mentally-s*xual able to explore anyone’s mind like hers again. Moving on, after so long with not only missing her touch, but a females presence or touch at all, it’s been brutal. And I’m a pretty good looking guy. 6’5 230 lbs. Long hair. And I’m not bragging I’m just saying, this isn’t a case of a guy who just can’t attract women. Never had a problem. Moving on. Pleasuring myself has even been difficult do to me thinking of her and even using p*rn is hard to do because we use to watch it together and very shortly after trying to take care of my natural urges, I slowing lose the RISE and ability to finish due to the thoughts. And do to that, its been over 2 years since I have “released”by taking care of it myself. Still I have very sexual dreams. To the point I wake up VERY…uncontrollably throbbing, only to have the same outcome of thinking of her and losing the ability. It’s been torture. I know that a females touch and help would probably fix this over time, but the women I HAVE connected with and hung out with just weren’t the same and it quickly ended due to me just not feeling it. So here’s where it gets kind of “weird” but it’s just truth and I have to get SOMEBODY to hear me even if it’s anonymous. So it’s been 3 years and over 2 years since I’ve had any relief at all. Recently, I’ve been having dreams OF ME DREAMING, waking up hard, and my mom coming in to help me, tells me to close my eyes and just think of it as a mother helping her son. No different than helping her son get dressed or feeding your child as a mother when young. And usually not long after, I wake up and think to myself, OMG how weird and usually my hardness fades away quick and I try and erase it from my mind. But it’s been happening almost EVERY NIGHT now, after increasing more and more. The only difference is, now, I find myself actually thinking about how it would feel, and while it not being anything about actual sex, or being exactly like it was with my fiancé, but maybe it’s just the “being taken care of, and the nurturing part of it, that is making me actually think of acting upon it. And my mom was a cheerleader. Very beautiful even now in her late 40s. She and my dad divorced when I was really young. And I know what you’re thinking. This is probably some fetish post or something but it’s genuinely not. This IS REAL. So, moving on. My last dream, I remembered something my mom said to me some time ago, when I fell asleep on the couch at her house (the one I grew up in) and evidently had a huge bulge in my pants while sleeping. She woke me up to tell me and I was super embarrassed, and she said “it’s fine, hun! Nothing I haven’t seen before. You use to get like that even when you were little you were like that all the time” and while I know she wasn’t talking about touching me. It just made me think. How would I actually go about even coming close to getting on this subject with her and telling her about the hell im going through with all this sexual tension and not just wanting to hire some hooker or something to do it. And I thought to myself. What it, when my mom texts me (usually every day or two) and asks me how I’m doing. What if I tell her the truth about what’s going on with my waking up throbbing and all the tension. Literally bothering my life. Just to see what she would say? Maybe she’d say “well why don’t you take care of that” just being funny or something, which could open the door for me to explain to her how I can’t because of the immediate thought of my late fiancé, and how the thought of doing it myself, and not her helping me, immediately stops my ability to do it. Ya know JUST to see what she would say. This is all new to me and again, I’m not some weirdo that is just having a taboo fantasy. And I’m IN NO WAY insinuating ACTUAL S*X with her. This is just something I’m legitimately dealing with. What should I do? It’s getting EXCRUCIATING and I can’t stop thinking about it. God the relief I would feel if I could just ACTUALLY have this happen and feel nurturing love again, someone genuinely wanting me to have relief, making it happen, for ME, again. Even if it’s like this. Thanks for listening.

It’s the fifth day I’ve been trying to cope with my anxiety, and honestly, I feel like I’m barely holding it together. So my job isn’t anything special - just a convenience store, but even the smallest things feel like mountains. When my co-workers or manager tell me to sort things or do some task, my brain freezes. I have ADHD, the inattentive type, and it’s like my mind just refuses to focus, no matter how much I push myself. Then I feel useless for not being able to do something that seems so easy for everyone else. I know deep down this job isn’t for me. I’m the creative type - I share my art on Tumblr and SpaceHey, but I dropped out of college, and my parents didn’t take that well. Now... I’m stuck, trying to make enough for therapy and to keep my apartment, while feeling like I’m slowly wearing myself out haha. I don’t even know where to put all these thoughts anymore... I just wanted to scream them somewhere into the nowhere, and maybe someone will hear me. That’s why I’m here. I keep telling myself it’s temporary, that I just have to get through this week, this month, maybe this year… but it’s exhausting living like that. Every shift feels like I’m running on fumes, pretending I’m fine while my chest feels tight and my brain feels like static. >_<

I’m also running out of my meds, which doesn’t help at all... I work on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday, but even on my so-called “free” days, I can’t really take care of it. Either one of my co-workers doesn’t show up and I have to cover for them, or I have to spend the time trying to get therapy appointments. It feels like there’s never a break, like my life is just a loop of working, being too tired, and trying to keep my head above water.

When you have a lot to say but the people you call closest to you do not try to understand you, your soul and body give you some warnings. I've never been a "I can't live without music, I can't do anything without music" person.I always felt strange because there were so many people like this around me, but I realized that I also have a different connection with music.I have a long-standing relationship with someone who I am certain will be my future wife.(a whole 3 years) Maybe I deceived myself, maybe I ignored all of this just because I loved him so much.He doesn't trust me. Yes, I can't believe it either and I don't want to accept this fact, but he doesn't trust me.He repeatedly questions my every action, does not want me to have any contact with the opposite sex, and demands screenshots of all my conversations with my girlfriend. So what does this have to do with music?

"Come on, let's give up without forcing anything. You are the sane man, I am the tired man.

.

.

We're aiming high again

Life is passing us by, step by step

I've had enough, let me be

Let's find a place, far from the world"

I realized I was saying these words to myself even though I hadn't listened to this song for a very long time.Those words that came to my mind out of the blue after I noticed my boyfriend's behavior..We've certainly gone through some tough times in our relationship, but we've never experienced any insecurity. While I trusted him with my whole body and soul, I also believed he trusted me with his whole body and soul. I'm so confused. If you've read this far, thank you, but no one will likely respond to my post. At least I've poured out my heart.

We had an intelligence test at school and the teacher told me I had “musical intelligence”. I’m very proud of it since I love music so much! I love listening to Eve mostly and I’m trying to learn Japanese because of it. Are there any other Eve fans here? I’d like to know if you have any favorite songs (no matter the artist), I want to hear different styles.

I was a toddler, I was texting someone who used to be friends with her and found out she told them I was the one who s#xually assaulted her. I was a toddler, she knew better, she's the one that did it to me severely and now she's playing the victim. Whenever because of her actions I can't even be comfortable showing any skin or accepting any touch? She blocked me after I tried asking her why she would lie about that and since has done nothing but just blatantly lie about my name? Not even just that but I know she did it to her little sister too, and remember the friend I said I was talking to? He was also a victim of her yet she denies it. She literally got mad when she asked to do something to me when I was 9 Infront of her little sister because I said no? She's a grown ass adult and I'm a minor at the moment and the fact she's blaming me is crazy.

Here comes another sleepless night because all I can do is cry and think. Think about what normal people would call nonsense, but in this case it just… all adds up. So… I’ve been with my bf for more than a year. Since the beginning things were difficult. We would argue often, he wanted to break up multiple times, and I ended up turning my life upside town and changing 90% of me, mostly to „become myself again” and escape the influence of people I called friends, but I know that some things I did were all and only for him to stay. Now this part is almost „stable”, even tho there are still things that are wrong about me and I am aware of that and the cause of all of this (family issues, the fucked up way I was raised). But… ever since I can remember my bf used to mention his ex often. Always in a good way, recalling good memories etc. He told me A LOT about their relationship, how their mother liked him, how they liked to spend time together, damn he even sent me multiple pictures of them together MULTIPLE TIMES… I remember one time I said something bad about his ex, out of jealousy when he was talking about them again, and he got all protective, and almost aggressive like I just insulted someone important to him. He’s been never intimate with his ex, but he is with me every fucking time we see each other and this also makes me sick. Makes me feel like I’m his little cum bucket, walking piece of meat (mostly tits, ass and thighs) even tho he said he never saw me only in this way. I just can’t… when I recall the things he told me about his relationship with his ex, and when I compare it to what we have, I’m starting to fucking cry, because I feel like I’m never gonna be such an amazing partner like his ex was, I feel like he’s with me just to have anybody by his side. I can’t take the fact that I had to change so, so much only for him to not want to leave me, but his ex just came to his life and he was obsessed with them. They never annoyed him, but he told me multiple times how annoying can I get. Damn, he even told me how his ex would get him out of toxic activities, and how they would help him with his mental health etc, BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL I CANT DO SHIT LIKE THEM CUZ MY MOTHER NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW TO SHOW LOVE. I… I feel like I’m not even his real partner. Like I’m just there to fill the empty space. They broke up almost 2 years ago but still I can feel he misses them, but he’s never gonna admit it. He’s just comfortable with me. With chunks of meat to grab and sexualize. I wanna tear my fucking skin and replace it with his exes because maybe if I became them he would be finally happy and would not want to leave… I’m such a fuck up. I think I’m gonna cry again. Idk how this site works, I have no friends because I was kind of forced to cut ties with them, and I don’t have the strength to talk to anyone.

This is my first year in school since five years (I was homeschooled) and I have trouble talking to people in fear of being rude or misunderstood. I met a girl who was very understanding of my sarcasm and candidness and she became my friend and introduced me to her friend group. I became absent for a day due to illness to find out that one of the girls in the group turned the entire 8 person friend group against me. She told them that everything I’ve ever said was simply rude and that I judge her work in class (even though I’ve never sat next to her in class and the only time I did sit next to her I told her that her work is beautiful). I now sit alone again and I can’t find good friends who want to be with me for who I am and not what I am (I have insecurities of being used since that was what kept happening to me). I feel lonely all the time but I can’t make friends. Any thoughts?

Huuuge vent/dump of thoughts

So it's the 9 of August. Currently 5:30 am. I can't sleep. Yesterday, i was a bit stumped on what do all morning. Then by lunch she was mad at me. Which was fair cause i didn't do the dishes. And she was mad that I 'have fun cooking' and then don't do the dishes. Which she's right on, even though i barely cooked recently and the only dishes i used were the ones we used to eat. Also the times where i do wash them, somehow she just doesn't notice ig? Cause she still says i haven't done in months, like the day after. But idk maybe doesn't count. She's like that with a lot of other stuff, like sweeping the floor for example, which i have done like 6 or 7 times in last few weeks, specifically because She asked and said she wanted to mop the floors. And she still hasn't done though? She's only done it in a very small spot because It was necessary, but then got mad when i skipped a room last time. It's not a big deal but still weird. Anyway today She was mad about me. And usually i just kinda hide untill It passes and today i did the same, i Just kinda hid in the bathroom as long as possible untill i couldn't anymore cause i had to cook and even after that I was staring at my phone and just trying to get through lunch as fast as possible to go back in my room. And i wasn't really looking at her cause i didn't want her to get mad again. And then she was asking for sugar and water and basically she felt bad. Maybe low Sugar/low Blood pressure. She said It was probably bc she eat little sugar. Which yeah. That's why since SHE IS THE ONE CONCIOUSLY CHOOSING TO EAT LOW SUGAR AND TO EAT HALF ASSED MEALS ALL THE TIME cause:

1)She doesn't like cooking and usually puts no effort in It.

2) She's been self concious lately, more than usual, and has been obsessed with dieting and losing weight etc. She's always has been since i was a kid and pushed that stuff since i can remember. ( I was 5/6 when she'd make me watch TV shows about overweight people who were on the verge of dying, and She used to say i'd be like them one day and die young.) But lately It's her new obsession.

Which. All in all. Both points are Fair. Do what you want. Even though, clearly there's a flaw in your judment if you feel this bad. (For referece It's even the first time and i told her multiple times to eat more sugar, i've tried even packing her lunch when she went to work and i to school, but sometimes she "didn't see It". I honestly It woundn't have been as much of a problem for now that we're at home more often, but whatever. That aside. After she felt better she went on about how i didn't even notice and was just staring at my phone (which i was because I Just wanted to leave and feel safe in my bedroom.) and that I need to "wake up". Basically she thinks i'm dumb. Which, sure, she's not off the mark right there. And Just all of that has been on my head all day. And there's just this huge feeling of painfull dread like under my rib cage that i can't shake off. I didn't really do much after that. I made some drawing which i am quite happy with + made dinner. And i've just been really stuck on the fact that i simply can't do this quite right. I should've noticed. And just in general should be Better. Idk what's wrong with me that i can't just be "good". I've tried and i'm trying but i'm just so stupid and i mess It up. Or Maybe i Just can't change the fact that i'm bad and this point less cause i'll always be a bad person. Sometimes i think i'm improving. And i think i am doing good and Better. But i'm not. I'm really not. And It just kinda feels like all my attempts at being better are fake, like three half decent ideas in thrench coat trying to make me pass as a good person when i'm not. And they're doing a terrible job by the way. I'm doing a terrible job. I should be better. Today i should've noticed. I should be preparing for September. Idk studying things I was behind on last year. Learning how to wake up sooner. Or Better yet, not let my grades slip for the past two years. Or not messing up every time i've been trying to be better for the past five years. Any would've been good. Honestly, i'm Just so tired of being bad. Sometimes i wish i wasn't here, so her life could be better and easier and i wouldn't hurt her. Other times i wish i was alone. Like really really alone, Not Just feeling alone. So at least i could be horrible alone and not hurt others and do things badly at my pace.

sometimes i just wanna pack my bags and run far away from this crappy reality. you ever feel trapped in your own life? well, that's me right here, trying to plow through until university starts so i can finally hit the escape button. it's all because of my parents who just can't wrap their heads around me being gay. we're talkin' constant cold shoulders, awkward silences during dinners, and those backhanded comments they think are subtle. i'm seventeen and kinda over the act of pretending in my own home. like, why's it such a big deal? wouldn't life be so much simpler if they just accepted me as i am?

growing up, i'd always prefer to hang out with my friends who have supportive folks. those visits gave me a glimpse into what supportive family dynamics look like. honestly, that's all i want. when my friend alex, who i'm kinda jealous of, talks about his family being proud of him just the way he is, i can't help but wish for the same. my parents think i'm just rebelling or going through a phase. they say “you'll change when you meet the right girl.” sorry folks, won't be a girl. can't they just get that it's not a switch i can flip on or off?

anyway, i'm counting down the days till i head to uni, 'cause it's like a beacon of hope for me. i'll finally get to start fresh, be who i am without caring about playing the part for anyone else's sake. maybe then i'll find my own tribe and perhaps even a boyfriend without the side-eye glances at home. would it be all sunshine and rainbows? probably not. still gotta figure out student loans and handling classes, but it's a step closer to freedom; you know? plus, i'm thinking of joining some lgbtq+ groups to meet people going through the same stuff. life's too short to be stuck in limbo, right? so, here's to making a fresh start!

this summer has sucked tremendously. my partner had just graduated with an associates degree from community college and got transferred to a wonderful bachelors+masters program with a half tuition scholarship. it seemed to be going great.

they needed a car, so we tried carvana. NEVER AGAIN. everything was smooth and painless up until actually getting the damn thing. delays and delays and delays, so we just cancelled. but they said that they couldn't refund A THOUSAND DOLLARS because it was a long-haul shipping fee. we had to dispute the charge and only just now got the all clear that theyre getting their money back.

next: moving out. they dont have a good home life. we've been dating 3 years and their parents still dont know i exist. luckily a few friends have an apartment in the city with a room available, so thats sorted. i cant go in to help them pack or move, so everything had to be moved over the course of weeks until the move in date, which SUCKED.

now for the worst. they signed up for on campus housing earlier in the year, not knowing what their living situation could look like. unbeknownst to us, this is LEGALLY BINDING. now theyre being charged an extra 20k a year for room and board that they won't use.

so we needed to send a release appeal, getting a letter from a third party verifying that they arent in a financial situation to pay for room and board. the bill is due TOMORROW and the appeal is still pending, they wont answer any calls or emails.

fuck it, they thought. tuition NEEDS to be paid for. lets apply for loans.

ALL. FUCKING. DENIED. even with my mom offering to cosign. what the fuck?

so now we're scrambling to find out if we can delay payment until the appeal is finalized, because jesus christ what are we supposed to do?

worst case, the appeal is denied and they simply cant pay for college and needs to drop out.

i dont know where to go from here. this is someone i deeply care for, it has been BRUTAL going through all this. ive been anxious, cant eat, lost weight. the uncertainty of whats next is killing me.

so, if my life was a sitcom, what would you think?

fucking hell

How wrong is it to want to write a book about your family without making it obvious?

Hi all, I just need some support. I spent the last 4 years building my life around the idea that my boyfriend and I would eventually move into our own place. The first year we looked up listings and everything but then it stopped year 2. I brought up other listings around the start of year 3 and he started spending a lot on expensive things :gaming equipment, printer etc. This made me think that oh yeah he doesn't want to get a house together (I live with him still in a rental property) I brought this up and he goes to tell me that we are no longer compatible but doesn't explain why. I wrote him a letter pouring my heart out and he didn't respond to it either, but he's been acting like he's my friend, even made me bacon the other morning and said i could stay as long as i need to. Am i hooding out hope that we can have an open communication relationship? How do I deal with being in love with him and knowing it won't work while staying polite and cordial while living with him still? Ive never lived on my own and so its a scary situation especially since I want to keep him in my life but know its probably for the best.

I hate being self aware. I already know all the answers to my problems, how to improve it, and what is holding me back. All I want is someone who makes me feel safe to share my problems with. However, my country is a place where mental illness is a taboo and a joke. I wish someone would tell me something I don't know about myself lol.

I’m 29, married, and honestly, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. My husband is, by all observable metrics, a good man. He hasn’t given me any concrete reason to question his fidelity since we’ve been together. He texts back promptly, he doesn’t hide his phone, and he makes time for me even when he’s dead tired from work. But despite all of that, I have this insidious, gnawing insecurity that crawls up my spine whenever I see him laughing at something on his phone or when he takes a few minutes too long to reply. Maybe I’m just paranoid—or maybe I’m responding to unresolved trauma masquerading as intuition. I wish I could say I’ve always been this suspicious, but the truth is, I used to be chill as hell in past relationships. It’s like something cracked open in me the day I found out he cheated on his ex-wife.

Now before anyone jumps on the "once a cheater, always a cheater" bandwagon, let me just say: people can change. We’ve all heard the quote, "Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future." That said, how do you trust someone who’s proven capable of deception? Especially when you weren’t the one who got lied to, but you know someone else was. My husband admitted it pretty early in our relationship. He said, "I was a different man back then," like that version of him lived in another body entirely. He didn’t justify it, which I appreciated—he just owned it. And for some dumb reason, maybe arrogance, maybe naïveté, I believed I could be the exception. I thought I was different enough, good enough, smart enough to be the woman he wouldn’t betray. But now, two years into this marriage, that knowledge lingers like an app running in the background, draining my emotional battery even when everything seems fine on the surface.

I catch myself analyzing his tone, his body language, even the most mundane changes in routine. If he skips his morning kiss or seems distracted during dinner, my mind starts constructing hypothetical infidelity timelines with CIA-level detail. It’s exhausting. It’s like being your own private investigator in a case that hasn’t even been opened yet. What’s worse is that I know how unfair it is. He doesn’t deserve to be interrogated every time he has a bad day. I read somewhere that "projection is when you dislike something about yourself and attribute it to someone else"—and maybe that’s what I’m doing. Maybe I’m projecting my fear of not being enough onto him. Maybe I’m scared he’ll do to me what he did to her because deep down, I think I’m just as disposable. Isn’t that pathetic? To measure your self-worth based on someone else’s sins?

And still, I don’t want to be this woman. I don’t want to play emotional detective or police someone I claim to love. I want to trust him, truly trust him, not just say it and hope my voice doesn’t crack. I’ve been seeing a therapist who specializes in relationship anxiety and attachment theory, and she said something that hit me hard: "You’re not reacting to him—you’re reacting to the narrative you’ve built around what he might do." That stopped me cold. Because she’s right. I’m so damn focused on worst-case scenarios that I’m sabotaging the best-case reality. He’s here. He’s loyal—at least from everything I’ve seen. He still reaches for my hand in bed, still brags about me to his friends, still asks for my opinion before making big decisions. How much more evidence do I need before I stop treating him like a ticking time bomb?

So I guess I’m asking: why am I so insecure in my relationship? Is it self-esteem? Is it trauma? Is it just me being a dramatic, controlling idiot? I’m trying to get better. I read books. I journal. I’m taking SSRIs. I’m not passive about this, because if there’s one thing I don’t want, it’s to become the reason this marriage crashes. He’s not perfect—none of us are—but he’s trying, and so am I. There’s this quote from Esther Perel that I remind myself of often: "Trust is built in drops and lost in buckets." I know I need to give him those drops, not with blind faith, but with informed hope. I need to believe that growth is real, and that past behavior, while informative, is not always predictive. I’m learning to accept that the only control I really have in this relationship is over my own reactions and assumptions; and maybe that’s enough to start turning this fear into peace—even if it’s one difficult, imperfect day at a time.

Thanks for reading 😘