Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 23

I’m 14 and my dad pays a lot of money for my counsellor after he realised I was cutting myself last year (I mostly let him know as I’d been doing it a while without him noticing). I feel really guilty because I’ve been seeing her for a while and I still feel the same, which is a constant sick, sad kind of feeing, and I plan to die as soon as I’ve moved away. I felt so guilty that I’ve been lying to her and my dad about feeling better, and now it’s gotten too a point where I’m too embarrassed and ashamed to confess that I’m still feeling this way. How do I tell my counsellor that I still feel bad? I don’t know if this website is appropriate for this but I don’t have any real people who I can ask right now and I feel the urge to cut.

Ive been thinking a lot of this lately. ever since matric, and uni, I've been so loaded with my procrastination, slow working pace, and poor time management; I felt I was constantly behind and even it's an endless cycle. because of that stress, I was always in my room, glued to one spot fighting myself and fighting with time, motivation and discipline to study (I still am); and I hardly went out of my room, I hardly spent any time with my family, hardly spoke, you know how it goes.

now its long days at uni and endless work and assignments, and nothing has changed since matric. I don't get how I procrastinate so much. I've tried everything - changed study spaces, tried different methods, deleted all social media applications, used timers, read motivational phrases, etc etc. I just can't seem to study and maintain the concentration, the ethic, the discipline. and because of this, I feel like every other time I spend out of my room, my study space, is time wasted and Im running short and I can't stay out here and waste time. I literally don't have any responsibilities around the house, and I feel guilty but also grateful to my parents for being so ..you know. everytime I do go visit my grandmother, who stays right next to our house, she tells me oh I don't even see you anymore. you always so busy. but i die with guilt that they think I'm sitting and hustling and grinding away, when I'm actually studying for 10 mins and the other 4 hours eg, are distractions.

another thing, my siblings hardly see me. I don't see myself playing any role as a sibling, and I'm afraid that they'll lose that already weak connection with me. I come home so tired and stressed that I don't connect, speak, laugh with him. I hate to admit but I don't want them to go out and spend long enough time with another person my age and compare me to that person, saying they wish they had a sibling like that person. I know I'm not enough, I'm not doing enough for them to be close to me to miss my presence. if I'm not there, they've already gotten so used to it, like it doesn't affect me. like they didn't even think about me, forget missing me. and I know my siblings so its about "maybe that's what I think but they could be missing and not saying". I know them. I don't want that me not being there is not even acknowledged. I want tthem to feel my absence, the slight emptiness. and the worst part is I wasn't like this- distant, disconnected with them, obviously.

I'm genuinely really struggling. please help me.

Maybe it is because I have always felt left out in crowds and never found someone who reciprocates the same feelings as me; or I might just have no potential in finding a partner without spiraling. I have been with a guy for 7 months now, he seems very sweet. Although, I have a bad past in my relationships: I have been cheated on, with a narcissist, and assaulted, all these with three different guys. These are probably the reasons I can’t trust my partner.

I am constantly worried about him being attracted to other girls, hating me, feeling annoyed of me, thinking he is going to do something bad to me or my body, and now he stops talking to me exactly at 17:30 and I think he’s growing tired of me. Most of the time I end up getting rid of these suspicions but I cannot shake them off ever. He does what a boyfriend is supposed to do but I just can’t believe he actually loves me.

I’m not blaming him for anything because I know deep down he’s not doing anything but no matter what I get these constant suspicions he likes my friend (which happened with the guy who cheated), he’s irritated with me, or that he is going to do what one of those guys did to me.

I need guidance man :( I don’t know what to do anymore

I’ve been pressured to get a job. What are list of jobs that don’t require working as a cashier or with money? I’m 15 and never had a job and have anxiety working with money. Idk if it’s bc my brain stops working when I’m under pressure or I just learn slow.. and if there are some, will there be times have to be a cashier?

sometimes i just sit there, staring at the wall or my phone or whatever, and feel completely stuck. like there's a million things i could do, maybe even should do, but i got no idea where to even start. it's not even about bein lazy, it's more like bein frozen. like my brain is just goin in circles, thinkin about every bad thing that could happen, every wrong move i could make. nd then it feels easier to just do nothin at all. ppl always say "just pick something" but they dont get it. it aint that easy. when you dont know what to do, even the small things feel like they weight a ton. i try makin lists, i try talkin to friends, sometimes i even flip a coin to decide, but still, most of the time i just feel stuck, like my feet are glued to the floor.

there’s this pressure too, like, if i make the wrong move, its all gonna fall apart. nd that makes it even harder. sometimes it aint even about big life stuff, like careers or school or whatever. sometimes it's dumb little stuff, like what to text someone back, or whether i should go out or stay home. nd the longer i sit there not doin anything, the worse i feel. it's like the weight builds up nd starts crushin me from the inside. ppl say "trust ur gut" but what if ur gut just feels like static, like a radio that cant find a station?? sometimes i wish someone would just grab me by the shoulders and say "do this!" and then i'd at least have a path. but life dont work that way. so i sit here, stuck between every choice, wishin the answers would just fall outta the sky.

one thing i been tryin lately is just movin, even a little. like if i dont kno what big thing to do, maybe i can at least wash the dishes. or walk around the block. or clean my room. nd sometimes, not always but sometimes, doing something small makes the big stuff feel a little less scary. like, okay, maybe i dont kno what to do with my whole life but at least i kno how to fold my laundry. it sounds dumb but it helps a lil. other times, i just gotta let myself sit in the confusion without makin it worse by beatin myself up. it sucks feelin stuck, but maybe sometimes that’s part of it. maybe not knowin is just part of bein human. i dunno. i'm still tryin to figure it out like everyone else.

Dont know how to start, but last year I told my partner to never ever loan money online because I kept on worrying that he would get scammed in instead of getting what he wanted, later on when we were heading home I noticed that he kept hiding his phone from me whenever I would peek, and obviously I noticed something strange as he usually let's me peek to his phone, moving foward is that he told me that he borrowed some money online to buy something that he really wanted (p.s. things are getting a little bit rough fue to financial problems), I was mad but forgave him later on and told him the second time that he should promise me that he wouldn't borrow or loan some money online. Moving foward things are going great we were having fun, but I dont specifically know how I know again but he borrowed money again through online because his reason is that "he was irritated and out of his mind by the we had an argument to each other" which I was angry and a bit sad because firstly notnonly he broke his promise to me but at the same time it feels like it was my fault that we fought to each other. I didn't argue back but just scolded him because it was also affecting me to, as because the cost kept getting higher and he needed help so I lend him some money. I told him the THIRD TIME that he should promise me again and stop spending and start saving money. At this point I dont know why but im slowly losing trust on him whenever he would do something I just kinda accepted it, never argue about it because it will only make things worst.

Recently he reached out to me again that he needed to pay something, which is for the money he borrowed again online, I didn't argue but yet dissapointed, I told him that this time he should pay me back because heck the money he needed to pay is out of my budget, since I "love him" that much I lend him some cash, later on since I was bored I wanted to play with my partner so I asked him out to play with me, and thinking also that he would be easy on me and even be affectionate towards me since I did him a favor and such, i expected too much and didn't gpt that kind of treatment but it's whatever its just a game, during the game there's this figurine he wanted to buy and even told his dad and such and he agreed (p.s. we are only college students that still needed support from our parents) and he wanted to ask the buyer if its still available on the day of his birthday, which he reached out to me needing help to chat the seller and I told him I would do it later as because we were playing, on our last game which he reminded me again that he needed help I told him I would do it later, but he seems soo desperate to ask the seller and decided to ask it himself in a mad tone, which I got angry and he got angry with me saying "I'll do it myself, all ypu wanted to do just to play" which I got furious so I left the game.

Things aren't good with us recently and kept on thinking the things that I have done to him, providing him financial needs whenever he needed to without asking anything in return and even the love that he needed since everything is going rough with him so as much a possible I tried to become supportive, but in return it feels like the more I provide the lesser i get in return, I've been expecting a lot to him, maybe something more affectionate rather than giving me such sexual activities and such, even though i kept telling myself when he's happy then I'm happy but at the same time I don't feel like that.

I can't even confront him my feelings like before, can't even cry out like this in front of him, knowing nothing will happen, I've been distancing my real feelings with him, should I just leave him if this keeps happening, all the vreak prormises that he told me he would srop doing it to me, the things even the little ones he would get angry about, mybfeelings being invalidated knowing if I opened up he will get angry with me or even being dissapointed with me.

I never thought we would end up here. After twenty years of marriage, I find myself lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, wonderin where it all went wrong. I look over at you sometimes and you’re right there, but it feels like you’re a million miles away. You don’t smile at me like you used to, you don’t laugh at my silly jokes, you don’t touch me just because anymore. And maybe it sounds childish, but I miss that so much. I miss feeling like you saw me, like you actually wanted me around. Now everything feels so cold and routine. We go through the motions—work, dinner, kids, bills, sleep—but the love part? It feels like it’s gone. Sometimes I wonder if you even notice how quiet it’s gotten between us. If you see how hard I’m trying to still reach you through all this distance. Or maybe you do notice and you just don't care anymore. Maybe you just... don’t love me anymore.

I keep telling myself maybe it’s just stress. Maybe it’s just life being hard and busy, the way it gets after so many years. But deep down I feel it. The way you barely look at me when you walk in the door. The way you say “love you” like it’s just another chore to check off. I feel invisible in a house we built together. I try to talk to you, to open up about how lonely I feel, but it’s like you shut down before I even get the words out. You say everything’s fine, that I’m “overthinking” again. But it’s not fine. Not to me. I crave something more than just existing side by side. I want to feel chosen again. Wanted. Loved. I miss the little things—the random hugs, the spontaneous kisses, the way you used to light up just seeing me. I don’t need grand gestures. I just need to feel like I still matter to you, like I’m still the person you dreamed about growing old with. Right now, it feels like I’m just... there. And the hardest part? I still love you so much, and maybe that’s why it hurts like hell to wonder if you don't anymore.

ive always been different. even when i was little i noticed it. i had meltdowns at school and sometimes i would run out of the classroom. everything got too loud and too confusing. kids stayed away from me. some were scared. i got bullied a lot. it made me think something was wrong with me.

i wanted friends. i wanted to be like everyone else. but i didnt know how. it felt like i missed out on learning something everyone else just knew. my parents tried to help. they got me on meds and into therapy. it didnt fix how alone i felt. it just made me feel guilty for being a problem.

growing up i barely had any friends. most of the time i was by myself. even in high school, when it seemed like everyone had groups and plans and people to count on, i had maybe two or three people i could really trust. and even then i was scared. i felt like if they ever knew the real me, they might leave too. and if they did, i would have no one.

im bi but i dont tell people. its not because im ashamed. its because im terrified of losing the little bit of connection i have. i know if i tell the wrong person, i could lose the only friends i trust. and if that happens, thats it. im alone again. completely. and i dont know if i can handle that. id rather hide it and keep something than be honest and lose everything.

the only thing that worked for me was baseball. when i played, i wasnt different. i was just part of a team. ive played since i was a kid. no vacations, no parties, no normal stuff. just baseball.

for a while that was enough.

now i know im probably not going to make it. im not getting drafted. im not going to play pro. and i dont know what to do without it. it was never just a game to me. it was my whole life.

now im studying accounting. im good at numbers, maybe because of my autism. people say its a smart choice. they say it will get me a good job. but i dont like it. its just surviving. working and paying bills and doing it all again the next day. i hate it. i hate that dreams dont matter unless they make money.

i thought about coaching but it doesnt pay enough. so i have to give that up too.

i feel stuck most days. like i missed too much already and now im building a life that wont make me happy. people told me i was going to do great things. and now if im not the best at something, i feel like im nothing.

i dont talk about this much. i dont want to make it anyone elses problem. i dont want to just survive. i want to actually live.

I will only believe a girl likes me if she cries for me. i promise i am not sadistic or anything, i just have BAD trust issues and will only believe someone's love and yearning if they display it loudly and clearly. I don't want to give someone love without the assurance that they love me too. i want to love, but i could never allow myself to love someone if they don't show their love to me first. I don't want to be used, i don't want to be vulnerable. i want to be detached, so when abandonment eventually comes, i won't be as impacted.

i know this might be bad, but the more i watch other sapphics/lesbians like me talk about their painful breakups, the thicker my barrier grows. I don't wanna be hurt, i don't wanna be weak. vulnerability is my biggest fear. but for the sake of not hurting myself, i might end up hurting someone... it always comes to my mind, what if someone truly loves me, but my barrier became way too thick for me to take it?

i have a friend, my only highschool friend, and she said i am her best friend. guess what? it's still hard to believe her. we talk often and frequent the same places, and she's always willing to talk to me unless she's super drained, but i still haven't found the strength to open up fully, because she might disappear anytime. i can't believe I'm more than just "someone she knows". i want to protect myself, but i feel like doing it this way is making me worse. I don't know what to do.

When i was 5 we moved out to a cottage shared by 4 families ( we were friends and yes, there were 4 dif houses) me and those kids had such a grat bond, like when i fought with my mom i would go to their house and stuff. well some years later my dog died and they were the ones to help me out with that as well. After some time, our parents had a fight so we had to move out, so we couldn't speak, after a month it was my birthday and i invited that family at my party . turns out that my mom never actually send the invitation... when i found out i imidiately called the youngest friom the family wich i had the closest bond with and spoke to her .. i couldn't stop crying on this cal... and then after MUCH begging she came over at mine, that was the best day of my life... let's say now we went to church with my school and her school was there too. i asked my teacher with tears in my eyes if i could go say hi and she said no.. then she asked hers and se said yes.. when she came to hug me i started crying and the hole church was looking at me but i really didn't care at all and that is probably going to be the last time i ever see her..

for a while, I've been feeling very lonely. i am very introverted, don't mind being on my own, and interacting with new people is very tiresome. but still, for some reason, I've been craving some kind of intimacy, some connection with someone, specifically with a woman. i want a girlfriend.

when i realized it, I was very cringed at myself. i always saw myself as self sufficient, no need for romance or sex... but suddenly i feel like this, wanting the embrace of a pretty woman, hearing kind words and affirmations, being truly loved, appreciated, being someone's important person...

so, i created this imaginary girlfriend inside my head, for me to fantasize about whenever loneliness hit me. I've always lived inside my own head 24/7, it's a trait of mine to just stop and think about things, wander in imagination, so it wasn't hard for me to sink into this fantasy.

my imaginary girlfriend is older and more mature than me, not in a "superiority" way, but in a way that helps me grow as a person and navigate this difficult world. she's kind, extroverted, funny, very gentle and almost motherly. flirty and spicy, but understanding of my boundaries as an extremely shy and embarrassed person. she's bigger than me, both in terms of height and body mass, and likes to put her weight on me for fun. she likes to bring me to different places, and is dedicated to letting me experience things and have fun outside of my comfort zone, but never pushing me uncomfortably far. overall, she's the half I'm missing(?)

but, after a while with this fantasy, i started to get attached to this image of her, and started to wonder: how will i leave this fantasy when i meet a potential real life girlfriend? how will i let go of my expectations, everything that i "built" with this imaginary woman? i know, i am probably embarrassingly delusional LMAO but i really want to be able to leave it behind eventually, because I don't want the girl in my future to feel like she isn't good enough for me. mainly, the thing i want to figure out is HOW to draw the line between what is just "my type" X what is an "hyper expectation" from someone.

does anyone else feel or ever felt this way? if so, how was it when you found a real person for yourself? i really want to hear...

SO

I'm an enthusiastic musical arranger on flat.io (go find me, my display is orgogagogi and my @ is @hans_husband) and I arrange mostly for piano.

I've arranged so far: I Hate To Admit by Bang Chan (Kpop is awesome what you yappin), Vibrant Eyes by CG5, and have posted but not finished an arrangement of The Beginning by ONE OK ROCK.

Thing is, I'm currently working on, like two different arrangements at the same time: previously mentioned The Beginning and Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan and plan to start Everywhere, Everything by Noah Kahan soon, and maybe even Deep End by SKZ.

Thinking about the next note has been part of what keeps me up at night, so much so that I've started having to put makeup under my eyes so that it won't be obvious that I'm losing sleep over this so my friends don't worry.

am I pushing myself too much?

Hey guys, I was broken up with by an someone a few weeks ago. I will give a run down of the relationship and the breakdown of the relationship. I need help navigating the break up and the no contact period.

I have been in no contact with him for 6 weeks now, I blocked him everywhere. I just need clarity on the situation. I have known this person for so long but we reconnected last year. It started as friendship which progressed into a loving relationship with no abuse or infidelity.

In the first month of the relationship he ghosted me for a few days. He shutdown because he was going through a lot of personal stuff. He didn't tell me all this but just stopped talking to me. I had to call and send multiple messages. Then I told him if he doesn't respond, I will assume he ghosted me and I'll move on. After that he sent a lot of texts saying how much he loves me and the last thing he wants is to break up. He was just going through something and I should just give him space and he would come back. I did just that and gave him space till he came back.

This became a habit, he would randomly ghost when going through something and he'd expect me to just know and give him space. I thought I was a securely attached person but his ghosting and coming back randomly triggered my anxiety. I used to send messages on multiple platforms or try to call just to know why he ghosted and stuff like that. Other than this shutting down, he was a good partner to me.

He was also scared that I'd leave him and would panic all the time, ask for reassurance that I won't leave.

He left the country later on, we started long distance. And before he left, I asked him not to shut down when things get hard. He agreed and I trusted him on this.

2 weeks after he left, he just shut down, stopped talking to me. I didn't know about attachment styles then. So him being 1000 miles away from me, triggered my anxious side, I was sending messages on various platforms, calling etc.. I had to reach out to his family member and that's when he sent an email saying he is going through a lot, is depressed and he needs a break. All I wanted from him was that, he should at least talk to me beforehand, then I'll give him space. I left him alone but I used to check in with him once or twice in a week during that period.

By this time my anxiety was already triggered and was no longer secure in the relationship. Small things or small change in his behavior would trigger me. He came back 3 weeks later but was cold and distant for no reason. This triggered me more. At this stage he stopped answering my calls at all but was texting me daily though at a reduced frequency. He stopped saying I love you to me unless I said it first and this continued till the relationship ended.

When I brought this up, he used to say I should just give him time, and that things between us will go back to normal soon.

My birthday came around, I'm not sure what happened that morning, but maybe my anxious side was activated. I was just craving for more attention from him I guess. We texted a little bit that morning. I tried calling him that morning. I called several times and he hang up on me. I spiraled and started leaving messages telling him, I do not appreciate how he is treating and that I don't think he loves me anymore. We stopped talking for a like 3 weeks, but somewhere in those 3 weeks, he said he still wants to be with me and he doesn't want to be away from me but he just needs to sort out his personal life, so I should give him time.

When he came back, it was still the same. Poor communication, slow replies but was still asking me to be patient with him. This had been dragging on for 5 months. It was affecting me because my needs weren't being met and all I was being told was to be patient. Our anniversary came, he sent me a happy anniversary message. But went on to ghost for 2 days. I told him I do not appreciate being treated that way and he broke up with me via text. You can read the text on my profile.

After that I reached out to him and he just confused me more. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me, that he is still in love with me but he will miss me. He said that he was just not in the right mindset to be in a relationship. He said the main reason he broke up with me is that he doesn't know if he will ever be happy due to his struggles. I asked if he was okay with trying again when in a better place, he said "Idk, we'll see". I took that as a no. He said we should go no contact so that we can work on ourselves but was open to me reaching out 6 months down the line. This confused me a lot and left me with more questions than answers.

Is it okay for me to reach out to him on his birthday or after the 6 months have elapsed. And if thinks go well for him, do you think there is a he might come back when he is less overwhelmed. I don't want anything with him, just to check up on him since we were friends for 16 yrs before dating.

bye I'm leaving for the sake of my old friends

bye

ok another vent about being trans yahoo.

my mom is like incredibly homophobic + transphobic + racist etc, but the thing is I love her to the moon and back, but at the same time I want to be able to medically transition. and at this point I just don't know anymore. Ive lived my life craving her approval, and I cant stand to see her disappointed in me. transitioning calls out to me, but so does my family.