Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 24

I just wish there was a way of dealing with delay, grief and unemployment other than committing suicide. I’ve spent the last 5 years being suicidal. I can’t even get a proper job and still didn’t get anywhere in life. All I am is living by the day, depressed, unemployed and everything in my life seems to be going wrong. Whatever I have been trying to get me somewhere, I failed terribly. Not I don’t know how to go on?

so I have a friend Katy (not her real name) and I have a bit of a crush on her and the other day she kissed me on the cheek and today she gave me a hug in the hallway (she's big on physical touch from people she trusts) and so the intrusive thoughts happened and right when she released the hug I kissed her on the cheek and idk what her reaction was because I BOLTED as soon as I did it so now I'm scared I can't believe I did that OMG OMG OMG what do I do-? she's not in the class I'm in right now but I'm afraid if she finds me between classes-

I kind of miss my ex…so me and him haven’t spoken in a while but last year we where so close and I’m going to tell you the things we did which made me madly in love,so last year I met my ex in maths class and me and him got along well and we met up at his usual hang out spot(his friends house)don’t! Worry other people where there too and it was a safe space and a chill spot me and him got together and we was in the awkward stage for a few hours until he sat next to me and was peer pressured to put his arm around me …year 7 for ya anyways we was sat next to each other and he had his arm around me until all of my friends decided to sit on this tiny ass couch and we all managed to fit on but we had to squeeze on and I was so close to him I couldn’t breathe he was trying to play a game but cuddle me at the same time and he had to wrap his arms round me and play with 2 hands and it was kinda funny but awkward at the same time and they all asked to go to the shops but had no money so I gave them my last bit of birthday money (ten pounds) they said thanks I said don’t spend it all and they surprisingly didn’t the rest spent about 2 pounds each and he only spent 10 pence and I was so grateful he actually acted and I had never ever been in a relationship so close to someone like that so I was kinda shy but the next weekend I had a sleepover and I decided to break up with him idk I was stupid and young so I had no clue what I was doing but we separated for like 3 months but I couldn’t get him off my mind and I told my friend and she was like well let’s message him so she did and he said said he would like to try things again too and I was so happy and inlove and we met up and things like that and we had laughs together and always hugged goodbye until he broke up with me but then he got back together with me because he said he was stupid and we stayed together until we didn’t..we separated again and we became close mates and I decided to go out and met him late at night and we had so much fun together until a big group of boys where chasing me and my other friend and I called him and he was straight there to protect us both with his other mate and we jumped down this thing and I was let behind because I was stung by nettles and no one came looking for me except him and I was too tired to run so he came behind me and walked with me while my other friends ran and we started meeting more often and one time we was hiding behind this corner and he was stood next to me while I was in the corner and I kept looking to my side and each time he was staring at me and we made eye contact I smiled and he smiled back even though he hardly smiles at people I was falling inlove with this boy so much and we kept finding ways back to each other until my bestfriend had enough of me talking to him and she blocked him on my phone and I hadn’t have talked to him in ages I decided to unblock him in secret and we called and talked for ages and now we just don’t speak but I miss him what do I do should I speak to him again or not guys Ibe never been so in love

Him: For a moment, I thought maybe you’re one of those girls too. (because he heard of teenage pregnancy is increasing)

Who knows, maybe you have some boyfriend…

And you have s*x with him.

Him: Anyway baby, you’re really not doing such things, right?

She: ARE YOU CRAZY??? YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?

Him: Most girls have already done it.

It’s the same in every country—

Not just India.

She: What do you mean “doing it”?!

Him: I didn’t say that, honey…

She: Oh, you didn’t say it? But I’m saying it.

That thought was yours.

You think I’m a w**re?

I’m a bi***?

She: Hey, I’m not from (adcabc) you know that.

Him: (abcabc) is number 1 in this.

She: Are you mad? I’m from the East side!

And wtf you are thinking about my character?

Him: I didn’t say that, honey…

She: Oh, you didn’t say it? But I’m saying it.

That thought was yours.

You think I’m a whore?

I’m a bitch?

Him: Baby…

She: How can you even think that?

Him: I’m just saying what I thought for a second.

She: You are the dumbest fucking asshole I’ve ever met.

Him: Baby…

I was just talking about that moment, and I know now…

Baby…

Him: Baby…

I was just talking about that moment, and I realize now…

Baby, I love you. Really.

Let’s just drop all this… baby.

Her: This conversation has become completely inappropriate and uncomfortable.

Him: For you maybe, baby.

Not for me.

Her: You repeatedly made personal and offensive comments that are disrespectful and suspicious. I’m fucking ashamed that you even thought that.

Him: Because I love you.

And no matter what you say, it doesn’t hurt me.

I love you more than you love me.

More than anyone else.

I don’t care what you say, I only care that you’re saying something, and I love it.

What happened?

You should try to understand me.

Not just sit on one thing I said and fight over it.

That’s not it.

I’m not perfect.

Her: So now you’ll question my character? Hahahaha.

Him: But everything you do affects me so much.

I always remember those moments…

That someone once did that for me too.

Baby, I said it’s not suspicion.

Her: Then what would you call the things you said?

Him: To be honest, (something garbage)…

Her: At least spell my name right.

Him: You have the dumbest boyfriend.

I’ll stay single from now on, I’ll never get into a relationship again,

because I’m not worthy of it.

And honestly, I had already lost interest in girls.

I need to accept reality.

Her: Just tell someone—tell your mom or sister—that you said those things to your girlfriend.

You’ll never understand what it means to say such things to a girl, and how deeply it affects her.

Accept it.

Childish.

Him: Okay baby…

You’re right.

I understand now.

Because I’ve already said it.

I just couldn’t remember that moment before, but now ....

I’m sorry.

I love you.

I love you so much.

(After she calm down a little)

Her: Men are shit. I'm done with them.

I might die before I fall for anyone ever again.

Him: It’s okay, (girl name). Then let’s end it now?

(??)

Her: Sounds so eager.

Him: See you next time.

Her: You want to be free? Then go ahead.

Him: Haha.

Her: I've erased you from here (the chat), wish I could erase you from my mind too.

Him: I wish.

I hope you come out of all this soon.

Her: No clarity, no respect… why the fuck do I still love you?

Him: Yeah, (girl name).

For a girl, these things matter the most?

Her: Just go away from here.

Him: Okay then.

(She really loved him and after thinking for a while)

she:

I know you’ve been through a lot, and I wanted to be there for you to make things better. But right now, I need to step back for my own peace. I can’t ignore the hurt I’m feeling anymore. I truly hope you find the happiness and healing you need, but I also need to heal. Please understand that I’m doing this for myself.

Him:

Selfish.

I don't care about myself.

You know, I could die for you.

I love you more than anyone, even more than my own family.

But I also want this.

Selfish.

You know how much I love you.

But you don’t even try to understand.

You only care about yourself.

Her:

Playing the victim, aren’t you?

Him:

Leave it.

I can’t say anything now.

I think we should stay apart.

Just take care.

Her:

As you wish.

Him:

Honey, I love you.

But I’m not the right one for you.

I come from a poor family.

I’m not even handsome.

Her:

I don’t care.

But honestly, it feels like you’ve become mentally unstable.

I always thought you were handsome, good-looking, and a good person.

But what the hell is going on with your thinking?

Him:

I’m a small-minded person… just thinking like them.

Her:

Whatever.

Her: I’m done with this conversation. Take care.

I don't know if I'm falling into a trap. I wrote to a doctor I like the way I was. I'm very confused by my emotions; I don't know where they're leading me. I only know that they're boiling inside me, like some kind of forced helmet that's about to dissipate.

Why do I feel this way about it? In fact, I write and I can't feel my skin. I feel like my skin is something foreign to me; I'm soaring to the heights. Am I deluded? Am I really in love? Could it be that I want to check something I went through with a girl? What's happening to me? Besides, she was one of those doctors who gave terrible treatment. I don't like talking to those kinds of people. Why give them another chance? I didn't want to go back to any of those doctors again.

Is it because I'm going to pick on her about the treatment? Is it because I'm going to do some unscrupulous and unconscious thing? I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone. In fact, I had things to do. Why my eagerness for socializing? I don't understand. Why do I always get stuck? I wanted a break from socializing. Why is it that I never get a break? I insist. Am I heading into a trap? Did I get on the wrong side of the doctors? Could it be that I want them to do something to me out of some unconscious guilt or something? I do feel like maybe I haven't been very grateful, but I have every reason to be, given that they didn't help me with my problem.

Could it be that they did help me with my problem and I just don't want to admit it? I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know what I'm feeling in my head. I just want to call her, to go to her, wherever that may be. I feel my heart beating fast for her. I've done my best to hold back, going slowly with my feelings. I didn't think I'd reach a point where I couldn't bear not writing to her. I feel, I admit it, that it makes me feel liberated.

What does she feel for me? Has she remembered me? She's a sociable person, maybe with a boyfriend, but I don't. What if I'm falling in love with someone with a boyfriend? What if I'm late to the issue? I don't know where I stand with her, and I don't like that. I'm not clear about my feelings; I know it's never possible, but it's the desirable thing in this case. What do I want with her? I don't want to torment her with my emotions.

What the heck is happening to me? I can't be in love. Am I frustrated? How low is my self-esteem? Am I wrong? Do I have no life or something? I don't think I'm dead. Do I want her just to vent? Why do I want her? I don't want her to burden me; she'd never forgive myself. Am I looking for manipulation? To include me in something? Am I needing that? I beg her to tell me to leave, or simply not to answer me at all.

I feel like this might be a false alarm. Maybe it's emotions I once felt when I was with her, and everything's reacting in a crazy way. After writing the above, I don't feel like it's anything. I refuse to believe it's anything. I don't want to break the routine I was already in. I insist: Could it be that I have feelings for her because of the frustration I feel? Although I recognize that the frustration I felt was from not seeing her. I also recognize that I didn't need to talk or anything like that. Could it be that I'm seeing her as an outlet? I don't want to upset her.

Besides, she's a student. I don't want to get in her way. I don't want her to do it with me. But is it normal to react desperately for her? Just like that? I've been venting a lot. But is this really a crush? I don't know what to believe. I feel trapped by my thoughts.

OKKK SO we all know how YouTube works pay u for ur videos. Okk so like I actually have lots of YouTube ideas 😭 BUT I CANT DO VOICE OVERS and my phone barely has any storage to have all those clips and editing. So like is there a way like I can like get hired for my ideas? Like they have a yt channel and what to start but don’t have ideas. If something like this exist is there a way to yk find them!? I’d totally ask this on Reddit but I’m scared of that app ✌️so basically it’s like hiring an editor for ur yt videos but yk HIRING THE IDEAS GUY

so I don't know what category to put it in or how to say this but its not a vent, I'm just confused and loss of words.

soo there's this guy (B) he's my bsf (N) brother. we dated before but I broke up with him months ago. now we are in a "talking"/"dating thing" idk its in between. anyhow we got each others number and we have been talking ALOT. yesterday afternoon we were talking and he asked me if I wanted to see a video he's been "making"/"made already" (yt video) I said sure and he sent a link to yt (I assumed it was anyway) but when I clicked on it...well... uhh.. it sent me to a p*_rn hub and I clicked out of it so fast and got traumatized. a minute later I thought maybe my phone was on something but no (I clicked on it diff times to see if I wasn't crazy but uhhh nawh it sent me to multiple different p*_rn hubs) I told him it wasn't a video to yt (acting chill abt it) but he said "oh" "did you watch it?" I said no, not to be weird. he eventually sent the right thing but I don't know what to do (its the next day) so do i confront him about it or just delete our convo and never speak to each other again?

SOS

so i've talked about a person twice before, first vent she was Imogen second vent she was known as just A. And I like her. Like REALLY like her and idek why.

But now...

I have another friend, I've also vented about her before, in which she was known as Katy. Yesterday we were chilling during dismissal as school, she had stolen one of my earbuds and I think I had Everywhere Everything by Noah Kahan playing... either that or Kirari by Fujii Kaze. and she had stolen my hand, like she always does (it's just a normal thing, she likes to hold my hand) and she kissed me on the hand which she always does it's normal I'm used to that...

then she kissed me on the cheek.

That is not something she always does.

I think I might like her now.

but she's taken.

so now I like two people who are BOTH TAKEN.

why is it that I always like people who are taken....

i just feel like a complete failure lately. i’m 25, been working in IT for three years now, and every single day feels like i’m just fallin further and further behind everyone else. when i first got the job, i was excited, proud even. i thought i had made it, like all the hard work at university was finally paying off. but it didn’t take long to realize that i’m not even close to being on the same level as my coworkers. they fix things in minutes that would take me hours, they talk about complex stuff like AI integration, server security, backend architecture like it’s nothin and i’m just sittin there nodding like i understand when really my brain is just screaming "what are they even saying??". i’ve tried, like really tried, staying late, taking online courses, practicing coding at night when all i want to do is sleep, but it never feels like enough. it’s like there’s this wall between me and everyone else’s skills and no matter how hard i hit it, i cant break through. and now with AI getting better and better, i’m scared outta my mind. like what if they realize they don’t need someone like me anymore? what if some smart system can do my job faster, cheaper, better? sometimes i can barely breathe thinking about it, the panic just sittin heavy in my chest. a few weeks ago my manager called me in for a review and it was awful, he didn’t yell or anything but the words hurt worse, like he was disappointed, like he expected more outta me by now. he said i needed to "step up" and "take more ownership of my projects" but all i heard was "you’re not good enough" over and over in my head. i nodded, said all the right things, promised to work harder but inside i just felt numb. and ever since then, i’ve been walking around like a ghost, second guessing every single thing i do, terrified that one wrong move and they’ll just cut me loose. some nights i lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about what i’ll do if i lose this job, and honestly, i don’t have an answer. i don’t have a backup plan. i dont even have much savings. it’s not like companies are lining up to hire some average IT guy when AI can write code faster and cleaner than i ever could. i used to love tech, used to get excited about new updates and cool stuff being invented, but now it just feels like a countdown to when i get replaced. it’s exhausting, feeling like you’re drowning every single day and pretending you’re fine just to survive a little longer. and the worst part is i feel like it’s all my fault, like if i was smarter, faster, better, i wouldn’t be in this mess. i don’t know how much longer i can fake it, how much longer i can keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the day i finally catch up. because deep down, i’m starting to realize that maybe i won’t. maybe this is just who i am—a failure trying to keep up in a world that’s moving faster than i ever could.

I feel sad today. I miss my ex and everyone, also sad about not being able to play my genshin on a decent device! and remembered, oh I'm on the last day of my period. Don't mess with me hormones lmao

i had this weird dream back a month ago and a week or two ago i got another dream with them but for some reason i felt safe in a sense. to give background info, i participate in orchestra, and while i do love it, i genuinely do think singing is a better place for me, and something i can do 90% effortlessly despite being self-taught. the first dream, i was dreaming about my orchestra teacher and apparently in the dream, i was breaking into his home with my best friend for some reason. the house was supposedly greek-themed (keep in mind, i have no idea what the house looks like nor do i want to know), and it was nighttime. i don't know nor remember why i was "breaking into" his house during the dream, but all i remember was towards the end of the dream, i believe i was harshly scolded (or somewhat beaten) while they told my friend to just leave. i feel like some other background information i could give regarding them is that they're actually a very kind person, but they're also strict on proficiency as well, for good intent. however, i get constantly embarrassed to practice at home due to my sister's criticism (i feel like it was a bit harsh, but i got tired of it to the point i would start crying) so i just stopped and tried to squish in before being tested on it. they're always available to help, but i feel quite scared doing so in case i feel i may get scolded (in the unlikely event that that happens). i just want to know what that means because a week ago or two, i had another dream with them but their orchestra room looked a lot more different, mainly that the walls were a different color but i felt like i trusted them. it's not that i don't, but i feel scared to do so. but after that, i was driving this car that i couldn't stop the pedal on nor hit the brake and ended up having to stop it somehow at a dentist's office. but they were no longer there, just this random family where i was doing this trend and somehow the son of the family got the credit for it. i wasn't upset, but i wasn't particularly happy.

i also looked on reddit and quora for some advice to see what it could mean and one user said it means that i could be looking for answers. as much as i agree with it, i feel based off myself and my orchestra teacher, i feel i'm not really seeking answers more than i'm seeking trust from who i can and can't trust to avoid putting my deepest vulnerable life stories into the wrong hands who doesn't trust me (or vice versa) nor have any care for the confidentiality of the story. i can't bring myself to see my teachers as people who do care very much outside of teaching more than i just see them as a teacher because i was afraid to get close to anyone.

so what does my follow-up dream have to do with this?

what does this truly mean then, given the background info and my hurt?

I recently went on a trip to Europe with one of my best friends. I think the whole experience confirmed that I am meant to be alone. She was critical of everything. We only had a few weeks to plan the trip, but she did not bother to do any research. She asked me what my budget was and I told her about $2,000- she agreed. I tried booking hotels with that in mind. When we get there she starts complaining. First, she complains that it is cold. We went to UK in the middle of winter- so it was going to be cold. She knew this ahead of time. She also insisted on traveling outside the country. Then she complains about the hotel, I booked and said it was small. Then spends the whole time complaining about the cost of everything from food to public transport to shopping. It is one of the most expensive countries for a reason. When I go on vacation, I try to enjoy myself. This includes eating when I want to and thinking about my comfort. She would get upset about spending money on public transport, when we could walk. She also insisted on only having two meals/day to save money. She then confessed that her plan was only to spend $1000 on the whole trip. This pissed me off because she did not mention this before the trip. Then she goes on explaining how she does not have a lot of money to spend, since she just got married. She doesn't mention in this guilt trip, that this year she got married- had two weddings and has gone on multiple trips. She also then starts complaining that the hotel room is small and we could have gotten a better deal at a Hilton. Yeah- like we could afford a Hilton on her budget.

There were definitely fun moments throughout the trip. Yet often everything became about what she wanted to do. I started to feel guilty about the cost of everything. I also shut down when people get confrontational, thus I never pushed back when she started dictating what we do. For example, she is obsessed with creating perfect Instagram selfies. She isn't as bad as some influencers, but a majority of my time was spent being her personal photographer. She would ask, if I wanted a picture, however they were some of the worse photos I've ever seen. She asks for effort, but never reciprocates. My breaking point came when she made a big deal out of me taking the booth seat at a restaurant. She later stated that I always insist on doing that we should alternate who gets the booth. I only really had the booth once. I only sat there because my back was hurting because we walked to every souvenir shop in the city so she could find a deal on gloves, only to get mad when she was unable to barter down to her ideal price. At this point, I realized that we have maybe grown apart or at the very least have different travel styles.

I truly did not get upset until the final night. I was reading and she was on the phone with her husband. She told him how she wished he could have come with us--like wtf! She was the one who insisted on us going on this trip. She said it was "a girls trip." I even asked her, why she and her husband were not taking a trip together after the second wedding (they went on a honeymoon after the first wedding). He was busy with work and could not come. But apparently, she asked him to come with both of us on the UK trip. It just made me feel like a third wheel. This made me realize that friend has no respect for me or my time. I understand, her husband is her choice of travel partner; but in that moment I felt like I'm just the toss in character to her story. The worst part--I started believing it as well. That hurts!

Through this experience, I realized I needed to stand up for myself. I don't have many friends. I was scared of losing- what I thought to be-my only true friendship. I am shy and introverted and have no self-esteem. I also can be detached fueled by fear of rejection. I know these are all reasons it is hard for me to build relationships. I am also scared of being lonely. But, I deserve better than to be a side character in my own life.

In 6th grade I met this boy (J) he was shy but sweet, we were friends for a while that year but eventually in social studies I realized I liked him, alot. I told one of my (use to be) guy Friends in the form of a note they told J and he said he like me too so that's where it started. Today I still rember our first hug, first time holding hands, ect. we broke up a few times but we were children and did not know how relationships worked yet. we got back together in 7th grade and took it more serious and everyone loved us at the end of the year saying "Yall are the cutest couple" "I hope y'all last" "best couple of 7th grade" and I still agree with those still, we dated and of 7th grade (last year) over the summer and the start of 8th grade too! in till the week of Halloween in October. it was Monday, me and J had planed on going to the upcoming middelschool dance together but that morning before homeroom he told me he couldn't go because his dad said no due to low grades at not handed in work(NHIS) I'll be honest I wasn't alive that morning so my brain with not even alive but I was sad but said "okay" my goofy ADHD self remberd a time back I 6th grade befor J when I dated a guy (H) and we were supposed to go to that middle school dance but I wasn't feeling good that day due to hightend anxiety (I was diagnosed later on that yr) so me thinking back to 8th grade I was like hey what if I go with h to the dance?! (meant to mean that AS FRIENDS but I didn't get that out there.. terrible idea ik T^T) so in orchestra I have with H I said hey would u want to relive that dance we were supposed to go to in 6th grade (AS FRIENDS) he took that as cheating on J and asking him (H) out. well I heard later it got out to J that I "asked out" H and yeah now I know it seems like that. And befor I get yelled at I LOVEED J AND ONLY HIM I NEVER EVER THOUGHT OF H LIKE THAT (he was like a brother to meX_X) and in 4th peroid class changed I gave J our usual hug but he seemed hurt and upset. I had a gut feeling (TIME SKIP) later my friend messaged me telling that people said I'm cheating on J, at that moment ik I fliped up so instead of J finding out from rumors I messaged him telling him everything hoping to save our (8 almost 9 month relationship) I said if you want to say "goodbye" I understand completely and I am so sorry I did this to you (TIME SKIP) so we broke up he said its better to say goodbye so that happend and we both mentally felt like crap, and both our hearts were crushed.

that was in 2024 not its 2025 and about to be may aka the last month of school. j had a GF but she only saw him as a friend so that lasted a week and I've tried to move on and I just haven't felt the love thing people are supposed to do/have the only love I've ever felt for someone was with J and its still like that. now I don't like him like that anymore I just see him as a close friend and I know it wont be nothing more as I messed up. but you know after you felt/had something like that for so long or felt that way its like apart of you still holds on to them and their memories of you and them together. its like an invisible rope that keeps y'all connected. at a distance but United together and invisible. I just wonder if he or us could ever be a thing again, even if not the same but at least I still feel the hope. sometimes I wonder if its worth the try or risk. would I ruined it again, mess up our friendship which could be all we have left or try and we learn from our mistakes and heck can start our lives together because highschool is next year. or maybe I just seriously gotta let it go. what do y'all think? (also sorry its ALOT)

I'm starting to kind of dislike my mom. Yeah, I love her with all of my heart, but after she broke up with her most recent boyfriend, shes been acting a whole lot different. I know she smokes weed and drinks beer and all, but its still unsettling. She's been a lot more infuriable, she makes me sleep in her bed to help her anxiety despite the anxiety she gives ME, she won't even interact with my dog without yelling at her, she barely interacts with me OR my brother, only talking to me when she needs me to get a drink for her. This morning, she woke up yelling at us, forcing me to wear clothes that hadn't even went in the DIRECTION of the dryer, almost forgot to give me life-affecting medicine, etc. Screaming about how we embarrassed her, were in her own words "addicted fucks"(simply for even BREATHING in the direction of a phone), etc.

She's also been venting to us a whole lot more instead of seeing a professional. My brother and I are in our early teens.

I dunno, am I the asshole for being uncomfortable with her?

I never thought I would be the kind of person to even ask myself a question like this. When I got engaged to my fiancé three years ago, I was certain. Certain that he was the right choice, that we would build a life together, that the past was just that—the past. But lately, I find myself thinking about my ex more than I want to admit. It’s not that I don’t love my fiancé. I do. He’s kind, he’s supportive, he makes me laugh even when I’m stressed out of my mind. But no matter how hard I try, there’s still this small, stubborn part of my heart that belongs to someone else. And I don't know what that says about me.

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. Like when a song we used to listen to together comes on the radio. Or when I pass a certain coffee shop where we spent hours just talking about everything and nothing. And then all the memories come flooding back—the good ones, the ones that make my chest ache in that bittersweet way. I start wondering if he ever thinks about me too, if he ever misses those stupid inside jokes we had or the way we used to plan our future like it was some big adventure. It's confusing, because I don’t want to go back to that relationship. It ended for good reasons. We fought too much, we wanted different things, and in the end we hurt each other more than we helped. Still, part of me misses what we were before it all fell apart.

I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s normal. That maybe everyone who’s been in love before feels this way sometimes. That just because you move on doesn’t mean you erase the love you had. But deep down, it makes me feel guilty. Like I’m betraying my fiancé without even doing anything. He deserves all of me, not a part of me that’s stuck looking backward. And the worst part is, he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s patient with me, he’s honest, he loves me in a way that feels safe and steady. Maybe that’s part of the problem. My relationship with my ex was never steady—it was chaotic and passionate and sometimes toxic. But it made me feel alive in a way that calm love doesn’t always manage. And I hate that part of me still craves that mess sometimes.

There are nights when I lie awake next to my fiancé and wonder if I’m making a mistake. If maybe the reason I cant let go of my ex is because some part of me believes he was “the one” and I just let him go because it got too hard. But then I remember all the pain, all the crying, all the days I felt like I was losing myself just trying to keep him. Loving him wasn’t healthy, even if it was intense. And isn't love supposed to be more than just fire? Isn’t it supposed to be peace too? I know that rationally, but my heart... my heart still hasn’t fully caught up sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just nostalgia lying to me. Making me remember only the good parts and forget all the nights I cried myself to sleep wondering why I wasn’t enough for him. Nostalgia is a liar like that, painting the past prettier than it really was. I try to remind myself of the facts, the way he would leave me hanging for days, the way he made promises he never kept. But emotions aren't logical, and memories are trickyy. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m better off now, there’s still that ache when I think of what could’ve been, what we almost had.

I haven’t talked to my ex in a long time. Part of me wants to reach out just to see if he’s okay, but I know that’s a bad idea. I know that opening that door would only bring more confusion and hurt. So I keep my distance, for my sake and for my fiancé's. He doesn’t deserve half my heart. He deserves all of it. And maybe loving someone doesn’t always mean you’re supposed to be with them. Maybe sometimes love stays even when the person doesn’t. I guess that’s the lesson I’m still learning.

So yeah, maybe it is normal to still love your ex a little. Maybe it’s just part of being human. Love doesn’t have an off switch. But the important thing is what you do with those feelings. I choose to honor my past without letting it control my future. I choose to stay, to grow, to love the man who’s standing in front of me, not the memory of the one who left. And maybe one day, that stubborn ache will fade into something softer, something that doesn't hurt so much. Until then, I’ll keep moving forward, even when my heart sometimes wants to look back.