Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 24

Sometimes i feel like sort of a burden. No one really talks to me, i usually have to start conversations. Or when the other person starts the conversation its just a quick one and they give off that they dont wanna talk to me. Maybe its just me but i miss being someone’s first choice. Would anyone choose me as their first option, or will i always be the side friend who people come to for advice only.

It’s pretty tiring but it’s ok, i have my gf. We dont talk much bc we’re both busy most days but i love her so much

Oh to be in my girlfriend’s arms again..

I hate life :D

I always say or do something I don't mean, and then I can't apologise for what I said because I don't remember what I said. and I'm starting to think I have some serious memory problems because I can't remember a 2 hour concert. I don't remember what the songs were called, the faces of the people who performed, the songs themselves, I can't even remember the applause. All I remember from that night was the silly sound the band director made at the end of describing one of the songs, the sound was supposed to be the cry of a unicorn that was dying or something. And my mom's just like "oh it's your ADHD." Maybe that's it, but if I can't remember a two hour long concert or even a sentence I said or something I did it's gotta be something more than neurodivergence. I feel sick because I think I said or did something today that was insensitive, but I don't remember what it was, just that one of my friends was like "Don't do that, can't you see that's not what it is?" BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. OR WHAT HAPPENED TO MAKE ME SAY IT. and now I feel horrible, like I want to throw up then crawl in a hole and fucking die. And why shouldn't I? nobody will fucking miss me. I'm a nuisance, a burden on this world. I have become cumbersome to this world, to my friendgroup. I feel like I should relieve them of the burden that is myself. also me and some of my friends (B and E) are writing a story. E came up with the idea. We each have a character that we designed. But now I feel like I've completely taken over the story. E isn't on the doc much, and B is sometimes but only comments random things, never types anything himself. and I feel like I've just taken full control and I hate it when I do that, mostly because I do it on accident but I just got so many ideas and now I feel like quitting completely and letting the other two write it without me because I feel like they feel like I'm bossy and I don't want them upset with me. and my parents are also mad at me because my grades. I can't turn shit in because I lose it, or I don't finish it. Because literally every little thing fucking distracts me. I can't pay attention, I can't find my assignments, and my grades go to shit. I'm just so done with shit. I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

Hi so basically i love my gf she’s genuinely the best i wish i was always there for her. Genuinely life would be so much easier if we lived together . We both have family issues and yearn the day that we actually go pick out an apartment and live together for the rest of our lives ..

we’ve been dating for almost a year and im so excited for the day that we officially get to one whole year of dating. I feel like time passed by so fast. When i first asked her to be my gf i was so nervous i even went to ask her friend for advice and when she said yes i was just a smiling mess the whole day at skl.

God i love this girl so much I genuinely wanna marry her. It probably sounds stupid since im 16 but i mean it with my whole heart, shes the best thing that’s ever happened to me and i cant imagine my world without her

Im gna go fucking insane in this household , not a day goes by without my dad demanding shit or threaten to beat me and my siblings. Im just sitting in my room and he comes in, i got up to greet him and he got so fucking mad at me???

I swear im so sick of people telling me to enjoy my teenage years when i have a shitty dad and school stress is at its peak. I cant do anything without being criticised.

When my first semester grades cane out i got 5 Fs. Yes i know its a lot but i was in and out of the hospital and constantly absent. I was so scared to show my dad i just cried to my mom for a solid 30 minutes then went upstairs and tried to calm myself. I went to the bathroom and passed out for a literal HOUR and no one came in to check on me

But oh Of course my dad had to be the one to check on me after an hour. He was banging on the door and when i unlocked it i was still on the floor, he just kept yelling at me and telling me i was fine and probably faking it just so he could pity me.

so i'm kind of not talking to my friends right now. I posted a vent on kandipad.com and one of my IRL friends saw it. we got into this huge argument. I don't really want to go into detail. But I haven't talked to anyone since the argument.

The vent was about how I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around me. Also how I feel like a horrible person, because I say things that I don't mean or that are insensitive but then I can't apologize bc I don't remember what I said. And how I accidentally took over a story me and two of my friends were supposed to be writing together.

One of my friends commented saying that I'm not a burden. I didn't (and still don't) believe him. So we got into this huge argument about like idek anymore. He said at some point that I was mischaracterising him or something, and how I needed to stop with the self-pity, and I told him to leave me alone. Then he said I was treating him like crap. And I just kept asking him to leave me alone until he did.

Which begs the question:

Am I the problem?

I swear my father is the most useless human being on earth. All he does is lay around all day and demand shit from us. He doesn’t gave a job, he’s not retired he just doesn’t wanna work. Mind you i am one of 4 kids. FOUR KIDS. The youngest among us is 7 years old. The only income we get is from the government which, no surprise, it’s not enough. He’s genuinely so fucking useless.

He literally walked into my room while i was on call with a friend and demanded i go study. Yes i get that i have finals but i need a fucking break. All this bitch does is sleep 15 hours a day and wake up at ungodly hours to play his shitty game all night and go back to sleep. And when he’s awake he makes it everyone’s problem.

I wish i could runaway with my gf. We’ve been dating for almost a year now and i love her. Genuinely life would be so much better if i didnt have an old hag nagging me everyday about shit he cant even do himself

Man, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I swear, I try so hard, I put in the hours, I do the work, but somehow it’s never enough. I thought I was smart, or at least average, but ever since I started my engineering studies, it’s like I’m constantly the dumbest guy in the room. I sit in class, listen to the professor explain something, and literally nothing clicks. Then I look around and see everyone nodding like they get it, asking these super technical questions that I don’t even understand enough to know what they’re talking about. I go home, rewatch the lectures, read the textbook, even look up YouTube videos that break it down in a way a 5-year-old could understand. Still nothing. It’s like my brain just refuses to process anything beyond basic math and physics. And don’t even get me started on exams. I walk in hoping for at least a decent grade, and every time, it’s like my mind goes blank. Half the questions look like they were written in another language, and even when I think I know the answer, I second guess myself so much that I end up changing it to the wrong one. I see other people finishing early, walking out looking all confident, and I’m still sitting there, staring at my paper like it’s gonna start answering itself. I try telling myself I just need to study harder, but I do study. Hours and hours, every single day. So if I’m putting in the effort and still failing, then... why am I stupid?

It’s not even like I’m lazy. I’ve seen people who barely study, who just skim through the materiall the night before and somehow pull off good grades. Meanwhile, I’m grinding like my life depends on it, and I still barely scrape by. My friends try to be nice about it. They say stuff like, "Bro, engineering is just hard for everyone, you’ll get there," but then they turn around and ace every assignment while I’m still stuck on step one. I don’t wanna be the guy who holds the group project back, but I can feel it happening. The way they explain things to me, the way they “help” but end up just doing the work themselves because I’m taking too long. It’s humiliating. I used to think I was good at problem-solving, but now every problem just feels like a dead end. I see my classmates who are actually passionate about this stuff, who spend their free time building things, programming just for fun, and I can’t relate at all. I don’t enjoy this. It’s just constant stress, constant failure, and I don’t even know why I’m still here. If I’m struggling this much now, how the hell am I supposed to survive the next few years? And then after that, actually work as an engineer? No company’s gonna wanna hire the guy who barely made it through college.

I keep wonderingg if I should just quit. Maybe this isn’t for me. Maybe I’m just not smart enough to do this kind of work, and I should accept that before I waste even more time and money. But then what? It’s not like I have some other passion waiting for me. Engineering was supposed to be the plan, the safe choice, the thing that would guarantee a good job. If I walk away from this, then what do I even do? My parents would be disappointed, I’d have to start over with something new, and I have no clue what that would even be. I don’t wanna be a dropout. I don’t wanna be a failure. But I also don’t wanna keep feeling like this, like I’m just too dumb to be here. I keep hoping one day it’ll just “click,” that suddenly things will start making sense, but I’m starting to think that’s never gonna happen. Maybe some people are just not meant for this kind of stuff, and I’m one of them. And honestly, if that’s true, then I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next...

I swear, sometimes I think my parents just want me to be miserable. Like, no matter what I do, it’s never good enough. If I get a B on a test, they like "why not an A?" If I actually get an A, they say "Well, was probably an easy test, right?" Like, can you just say good job for once??? And then they wonder why I don’t wanna talk to them. It’s like they only care about me when I do something wrong. And the rules?? Omg, don’t even get me started. I have to ask for everything. Can I go to my friend’s house? No. Can I stay out past 9 PM? No. Can I have my phone in my room at night? Of course not. Meanwhile, my little brother does whatever he wants. He stays up till like 2AM playing video games, leaves his stuff everywhere, and guess what?? No one cares!! But if I forget to put one stupid plate in the sink, suddenly it’s "you need to start taking more responsiblity in this house." Bro, I literally do everything. I help with chores, I do my homework, I try to be nice, but somehow I’m still the problem. It’s like they just wanna control me 24/7, and then they act shocked when I don’t wanna be around them. Like, gee, I wonder why.

And the worst part is, they act like my feelings don’t even matter. Like, if I say I’m stressed, they hit me with the "you don’t even know what real stress is." If I say I’m tired, it’s "you’re young, you have no reason to be tired." Ok then, sorry for existing I guess??? Just because I don’t have a job doesn’t mean school isn’t insanely exhausting. And don’t even get me started on the whole privacy thing. They act like I’m some criminal or something, always wanting to check my phone, asking a million questions about who I’m talking to, like why do you care so much? It’s not like I’m out here selling drugs or whatever. I just wanna have my own space without being treated like a little kid. But nope, apparently having basic privacy means I’m hiding something. I’m just so tired of feeling like no matter what I do, I’m still a disappointment to them. And then when I actually try to talk to them about it, they just get mad or say I’m being dramatic. Maybe I am dramatic, idk, but it’s not like they actually listen to me. They act like they know me but they don’t. I hate how they make me feel like I’m never enough. I hate how they don’t even try to understand me. I hate how I can’t even hate them properly, cause no matter how mad I get, I still love them. But sometimes, I really just wish they would see me for who I actually am instead of who they want me to be.

TW: Suicide and SA

How do I even start this? My parents screwed me over. I got my mom's anxiety, and my dad's depression and addiction. I didn't learn about any of this until it was too late. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years, and the addiction gene just feeds of that shit. My parents treat my sister like shit and they fight a lot and vent to me about everyone and everything, so the addiction just moves me to another place in my mind. The first addiction I ever had was to hurting myself, and that nearly put me in the hospital. But I was getting help and had a couple good months, so I thought I was ok. But I didn't focus on the other problem developing. At first it was fine, but now I get blackout or close to blackout drunk every weekend (sometimes during the week), and I just want to stop, but I am surrounded by it all the time. I go to a party school and all my friends like to drink. I don't feel forced to drink, it just gives me an excuse to.

One time when I was out and drinking with friends, I was SA'ed. I had never been more disappointed in myself in my life and I wanted to disappear. Instead of taking the chance to make this a learning lesson, I continued to make horrible decisions. Only a few people know, but they only know parts. I told them that I only remember what he looked like and not his name, which is a lie. During the attack, I sobered up a bit, and I remember almost everything. I look over my shoulder a lot, hoping my past mistake doesn't come back to haunt me.

After a couple months, I hadn't gotten my period since the attack, and I was so fucking scared. I didn't speak or see any of my friends for 4 days, until after I took the test. The worst part of the whole week was the realization that I was not pregnant. At first, I had never been so relieved, but now I just feel like something is missing. I look at myself and I can feel apart of me missing. I don't know if it's the innocence I lost from that night, or what could have been.

I just got back from a trip with friends, and none of them really suspect anything of what I have been feeling. And I feel like a terrible person for feeling like this, because I should be happy and shit, but I'm not. This is not the worst I have ever felt, but it is close. I always thought I would grow up to be someone my past self would admire, but I think now I would just scare her.

I want to be not human for a bit. I want to take away my feelings, just for a time. Would that everything worse, probably. But at this point, I just want God to take away my pain.

if i was your daughter, what would you say so that she doesn't keep on thinking of self-harming more than she has so far and give up on life? i'm starving for someone's love and it doesn't matter if i sound overly desperate anymore. pls?

My intelligence is in decline, and it shows through my dropping grades and my sudden inability to form a single thread of rational/coherent thought, nonetheless converse properly with others. This might have been because I withdrew myself for the past few years, isolating myself from all social contact like a fool because I couldn't handle relationships anymore and pitied myself for being part of a broken home---it might've been because all the pain I felt back then messed up my brain.

I can't think clearly anymore, and my head feels stuffy all day every day; it doesn't stop. I've said so many hurtful things to this girl I recently came to care about, because I didn't realize what I was saying as my brain short-circuited every second and automatically rushed to the first (and often inappropriate) thing that came to mind. I'm so frustrated with myself right now. Before my withdrawal I used recognize and manage people's emotions really well and be able to navigate my interactions with others with a degree of emotional intelligence; now I'm simply an airhead who's too stuck up in the clouds to concentrate on her words.

I also used to excel in school and was basically the "smart kid" in class. Now I've built up a reputation of holding her head in front of the whole class, crying, "I'm sorry; my brain is short-circuiting"; stupidly staring at her textbook with a blank stare when the teacher asked her to answer a question about what we read; and responding to "What American history topic do you want to write a poem on?" with "Bloody Mary."

I went to a doctor last November in search of answers, and it was confirmed that I had an iron deficiency (but not anemic yet). I took pills regularly afterwards, but even now that my iron levels are in normal range, I still experience brain fog. I told my doctor about this, and it just seems everything points to a mental problem. Yet I can't check with a psychologist because of circumstances that can't be helped. I can't do this anymore. I feel like an utter failure and feel so alone right now.

When I posted last time about my friend, I wasn’t being mean or anything. I just want to vent out that it is frustrating sometimes that some of their issues take over the conversation. And it is unfair to a point where I feel like I’m a therapist. I don’t wanna be ridiculed or have this main character problem with a friend but I complain. Am I a bad friend? To anyone who think I am, I am working on it. It’s just that sometimes they are the one who controls the conversation and I tried to put my voice in it but they get upset if I say the wrong thing I hope that gives anyone who understands what it’s like to have a friend like that so am I a best friend?

everything i do, everything i say feel wrong, i didnt actually mean anything, it was just old stuff i wanted to bring back, now i look like a creep to everyone i depend on, i am shaking as i write this, the more i try not to act like a creep the more the people who i consider friends point it out, i dont want to be in this state of me anymore i dont like myself at all, i did the same mistake twice and i feel like these people are faking their words just for me not to kill myself, i'm a man i'm supposed to be able to handle this but this is so hard to accept, it feels like the world turned its back on me, i dont want to live like this anymore, you can't tell me not to do something i'd regret for the rest of my life, i've regretted everything my whole life, anything i did just killed me right in front of you, either i am being too sensitive or you being too sensitive it doesnt fucking matter, i am dead, i started to hate everyone when i was 13, i was too young to feel that way, i crave happiness, i was not the person i thought i was, i am fucking suck

Hubby and I are from different countries/cultures.

We ended up moving to Australia before Covid struck 😒 we eventually settled in and life moved on around the world. My in-laws all live in one area. Hubby and I settled nearby and everything was fine. The kids love their grandparents and they are good to me.

However…

I miss my parents so much. I am an only child and my babies are their only grandbabies. It breaks my heart. But hubby is good to me and supports us well. In-laws are good to me too. Just the culture differences get to me sometimes. In-laws have other grandchildren nearby. They are “well off” so they tend to live their lives separate from their children. That’s fine. I’m used to family in your face everyday lol.

The thing that bothers me is they will pass on spending time with their grandkids just because. They want to shop or go out for dinner on their own. We have invited them over and they will refuse without a reason. I’m aghast because I know my parents would kill to spend everyday with their grandbabies!!

I know I can’t change anything. I hate it’s so expensive to fly to Australia! I hate my parents are not well off and can’t afford to visit! They’ve come once and are saving up to come again. Hubby and I have even told them we can help a bit. My dad has offered to send my mom on her own just to save money. I hate that for them! I want them to be next door and my babies see them everyday and be loved so much by two more people! My parents are one of the best in the world! They are so wonderful and sacrificial! They deserve the world and especially their only grandbabies to be nearby to hug and kiss and love on them all day everyday!!!!

Two years ago, we moved about 300 miles away. It sucked for me because now we are not near family. In-laws have come to visit once. Once! In two years. Again, I can’t believe it. They can afford to travel but choose not to. My parents would give anything to see us once every two years! I’m trying to respect their decisions but can’t help think of my parents. I get so upset with my in-laws in my mind. I guess that’s how they stay “well off”, don’t spend too much money. It just annoys me for the kids. They deserve loving grandparents nearby 💔