Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 20

I express that I feel tearful. Why is there no efficient psychotherapy service in my country? I feel extremely hurt. Friends, it's impossible that not a single one of the psychotherapists I turned to was able to help me with my problems; instead, I had to do everything on my own. The very symptoms I was carrying kept returning, and no one cared. These enormous individuals, narcissists, con artists, weren't concerned about doing their job. There's nothing more unpleasant than going to a professional and having them come up with a series of inefficiencies, make you believe they're correct, have the good fortune to prolong therapy as long as they want, and on top of that, offer you a return.

It's horrible to feel that none of those therapists were concerned about doing their job, none. In fact, I ended up using one of these individuals to get them to say I'm fine and thus get rid of the people who were on my nerves, insisting that I was unstable or something like that. How is it possible that this therapist didn't realize I was more focused on using it for that than anything else? It was all based on a sad complacency: completing psychotherapy so they'd leave me alone. On top of that, the surrounding psychotherapists were determined to keep me in therapy, which felt, as you can see from my previous words, like a prison I couldn't escape. I had to find excuses to get out of the psychotherapies I was undergoing, which weren't simple, but precise. It's horrible to feel that something that should be healing turns out to be exactly the opposite, in some ways, and not transparent at all. And in this spirit, the psychotherapists, at least in my country, dared to express that I should go to one. This outrages me and made me feel like I was facing a group that only sought to maintain a position of power over me, even at the expense of my health. It's appalling, and it's something that others supported, especially my father, who is a doctor and who sought such status.

It's incredible, in general terms, how the health sector has based its discourse no longer on being a health producer but, quite the opposite, on an entity that simply seeks social dominance. How can we not think that these entities serve an international entity that could very well serve others? My father insisted that I give in to therapy at all costs. In other words, even in this environment I'm in, they cared about the conditions I was in and how well they were leading me to define myself as a patient as something else. It's like feeling the environment pressuring me to go to psychotherapy, and at the same time, the therapist forcing me to go, against my will, inducing changes that don't favor my development. For me, these psychotherapies became simple conversion therapies, simply a way to be submissive to the environment. Perhaps this issue, from what I'm seeing, isn't as unusual as I thought. This makes me understand why cinema is killing off psychotherapists these days, and because it's international in scope, this problem is going beyond the borders of my country.

How disappointing to be told about a service that can help you with your problems, and it's, in fact, urgent, and you find yourself facing this. The worst part of the situation is that psychotherapists and those around you accuse you, for appearing frustrated, of not being cooperative with the process, that is, of not showing yourself as they think you should. So, what's happening to them? Does the patient have to meet expectations of what's expected from the therapeutic work or be a product of the therapeutic work? Frankly, I think it's the latter. It's incredible how far such a delicate process has been taken, such as assessment, perhaps more so than surgery. I'm truly shocked. The most horrible thing is that no one talks about this at all, although I've seen some insights into it, but the problem is that it's not done in my country. This guild is being blindly admired, like many other guilds, which implies or only encourages abuse by professionals, which is in effect an attitude completely unprofessional. I can only say that my country, under these conditions and assuming there is no support, is going to go bankrupt, but by the professionals themselves, the issue no longer even being about political conditions, and it makes me feel fearful of my stay on this earth.

It's incredible, but instead of being scared of the government, I'm scared precisely for those who are not the government. I have often observed that the population uses this entity as an excuse to escape their responsibilities, pointing to their own impulsiveness turned into reality in entities that belong to the government. At this point, it makes one wonder if it's really worthwhile to study the government, when in reality should be about the people themselves. It's said that the government provides insecurity, however, I see that the entities that produce it are the population itself, and in the form of opaque crime, since professional abuse is one form of it. It's impressive how far we've come in my country, as a people, these days. This is definitely not what I expected to find when I left my family. It's practically becoming the same constitution as theirs, that is, a defense of the roles obtained through hard work and the consequent ability to achieve a leading discourse through words specific to the domain. With professionals, this is translating into a simply leading discourse and the use of certain technical terms, and this is what the people are defending, without questioning it, which marks it as inactive.

It's appalling that this has happened to psychotherapists, who are the primary ones who should exercise essential caution with every word dictated, without exception, because every word counts. This, in turn, requires constant review of the work done, given the consequences each practice leaves behind, something I, in fact, never experienced with any of the psychotherapists. My country is becoming a place where, as a result of the great instability that leads to a desperate search for solutions, there are leaders who seek to dominate people within a certain realm, thus achieving, as with my family, an absolute disrespect for the independent spirit, descending into their denigration in such realms regarding what leads to such a modus operandi, always seeking a suggestion. Indeed, in the environment I live in, identity integrity is a superficial element and worthy of being changed by the environment, according to the circumstances. I never imagined things were this serious.

Indeed, if I mention anything like this to those around me, they won't pay attention to a single word I say. They'll pick up on it, but it will be as if I'd never said anything, just like what happened in my family. I can now understand why I've navigated this situation with great astuteness, something that has certainly not been the case for many people in my country. It's ironic, but having ties to a wounded, hegemonic family has its advantages when it comes to experiencing conditions of instability—of course, when you begin to visualize the elements that constituted it.

I had this friend of mine, she was my first friend, we were together all the way from when we were in diapers till high school ended and then after she went abroad for university we drifted apart. Our relationship always felt toxic to me because I always felt like she didn’t place much importance to me, she would tell me that she won’t be able to talk to me before exams but would speak with everyone else, she would not tell me crucial stuffs like when would she leave or where she got admitted but everyone else would know ( I did ask her btw but I didn’t get any answer ). Weirdest thing is after she came back last time she looked for me she was probably confused why I was ignoring her as my other friends told me she asked questions about me to them.

Weirder is that I feel extremely guilty, I feel like what if we could go back to how it was before even though I know it probably won’t be good for me or her. So even though I’m scared out of my mind I am praying hoping that she atleast strikes up a conversation with me for once, she asks me about it, she questions me about what happened.

My other close friends and my family also know and they also say that our relationship wasn’t okay, it was not healthy but I don’t know why I am being like this.

This is more like a health question/vent. This is more on the sickness bit and not my age. Anyways, I suffer eczema and have cat allergies that came recently at 13. I had eczema since I was 2, and it has been bumming me out more at 13. The reason is because I always see folks like models with such glossy and pretty skin, with no acne, and while cutting cashew nuts did get rid of my acne (which is good). This is stuff like, where, I feel bad that I have eczema. I now hate even more how my skin flakes, how it makes me feel old, how it makes my lips look whitish pink than the regular lip pink, and how much it looks bad and spooks my dad even when he's seen it for years, and it sucks. I'm 13, and I know insecurity is what I should be feeling at this age about my appearance, but I just wish I was better than this since most girls in my class have clear skin.

And then I got a random cat allergy when I was in Malaysia when I rubbed a chubby cat, and then I rubbed my eye and it swelled so much. And then at my relative's house the same happened but not as bad. Now I fear I may get asthma because eczema, allergies and asthma are all part of the atopic triad. My maternal grandma has it, she's 64, and somehow I don't see her much with an inhaler and she's more chill with cats but her leg skin is dry af. I fear dermatologists because my paternal grandpa was both a dermatologist and anesthesiologist back in the 70s, and the pressures made him so rude and angry to patients, his family, senior doctors, and his own siblings too.

And I'm scared if I will get judged for my skin, for how gross and flaky and ugly it is. By the doctors. And I'm afraid if I'll never live like a regular human again if I ever get diagnosed with asthma.

I sometimes just wanna desperately eat all the sweet, sugary junk food I can if I ever will, just because if at least I die from asthma, at least it's sugary and sweet, like a cute filter with bears and puppies.

I feel I can never own a fluffy animal like a cat because of allergies and no cat is truly hypoallergenic, and lizards, frogs, fishes and snakes feel so emotionally distant they'll only see me as their food giver and not their parent who wants to love them but can't because they lack that emotional bit

Just, anyone with asthma or eczema wanna tell me what dermatologist visits are like (last time I went I was 2 and I can't remember), how you guys manage, what it was like when you got diagnosed, and I just wanna know if you can ever own a fluffy animal like a cat without wheezing or swelling.

they're actually so horrific. I've been in real ones and have developed PTSD. and then I get made fun of. I cant control it. I cant get out of it. I hate it so bad.

I wrote a post here a couple of days ago because I was struggling with my own feelings towards my bestfriend. Quite a few people made some helpful comments and suggestions with im grateful for.

i decided to write some more in this post to clarify some things and hopefully get some more advice. this weird in between “situationship” (i hate that word) has been going on now for just under a year. over the course of this time it’s been a bit on and off, and we’ve butted heads and had conflict as you could probably assume. we’ve had the conversation of “what is this” quite a few times, but that was mainly in the beginning, when things were the most turbulent and confusing. the consensus of those conversations though, were that i wanted more, and that he wanted more too, but due to a past relationship he had he was wary because of distance.

i don’t mind how things are now. i’m not exactly pursuing a relationship currently, id be fine if i ended up in one, but it’s not my main focus.

i guess my problem is, i feel like i don’t know where at all i stand with him. and he makes it extremely difficult to ask, well atleast he has made it difficult in the past. so i wouldn’t even know how to approach it now.

any thoughts and advice are appreciated :)

So I don’t really know how to start this off but… my family all have addictions. All smoking or drinking. And I’m scared I might end up like them when I’m older.

So, my grandparents smoke cigarettes and cigars when they aren’t around the family and honestly I love that they hide it from us? Rather than just do it in my face and look at me. And I think they’ve tried to stop quitting so even more probs to them!!

Now my parents have always had a vape addiction.. first it started with weed/bongs stinking up the house, all the way to weed vape pens? And I’m actually so uncomfortable with putting that stuff in my body I VERBALLY tell them DIRECTLY I DON’T like it. And they still blow the smoke in my face?? I think it’s baffling after 10 years they just stopped caring about not doing it in front of me?? I remember them sitting in the bathroom of my old house, blowing smoke into the vents from bongs because they didn’t want me to know?? And I walked in on them doing that so i obviously asked(as the 7 year old I was). And they just tried to play it off saying “mommy just needs some relief”.. and then I soon started figuring out that they were smoking?? Not the same crap as cigarettes but weed?? I still think it’s disgusting either way and it’s made me grow a hatred for smokers, yes I know the nicotine is highly addictive but don’t you know how bad it is for your DEVELOPING CHILD to breathe in that smoke?? I think that’s why I have so many issues with my brain?? I don’t know though, it just really pisses me off and triggers me when they smoke around me. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe and I’ve had meltdowns about it because they can’t just NOT SMOKE around me, so we’ve compromised that whenever I was upstairs in my room they could vape in the living room. I’m still pissed at this because now I can’t enjoy my house and I’m trapped in my room all day, having to go downstairs in a smoke cloud?? And my dad still does it around me, making me yell at him and hate him more. He doesn’t respect me. He just laughs. And I know he’s trying to step up but I won’t forget what he didn’t do. Be a man for me when I was 7-13. I’m currently 13 for context and I’m just.. really mad and just sad?? Like I’m mad they won’t respect me but sad I call him my dad? I don’t know it’s just complicated and I’m just so frustrated and sick of him I have a shorter fuse around him.

And just last night he left the gas on the whole night, we all could’ve died so I’m pissed off. Even I could’ve (13f) known it was still on. And now the house is airing out, I’m not planning on speaking to him any time soon about “feelings” because he’ll just laugh in my fucking face like always and brush it off. I don’t feel seen. And I barely feel their love.

Hey guys, so, it's that same 13 y/o kid speaking. Being a teen isn't as bad as I thought (well, I find myself not relating to movies like "Eighth Grade" or "Euphoria", ironically), but now I'm way more scared of the health issues and my looks. I have eczema, and now I have allergies to cat hair in abundance. I hate both of them, I wish I could wear certain clothes and not just cotton, I wish I had a style and not just random t-shirts, shorts, and I wish I could look good in girly clothes without feeling weird or feeling like my arms are too hairy, and I wish I could now rub my face in a cat and tickle them without sneezing a lot. A doctor realized my adenoids and tonsils are very sensitive, and I sometimes cough when I run too fast without water. Look, at 13, at least in where I live, nobody does the stuff folks maybe do in shows from the USA, like smoking, drugs, narcotics or s-x, and I love that, but I feel sometimes bad about how I look. Like, I think I'm getting asthma now. Let's face it. My grandma has asthma, my deceased great-grandma had eczema, and eczema, allergies, and asthma are all part of the atopic triad. Please, folks who are 13 with asthma, can you tell me what it's like? Because I feel like if I ever get diagnosed with it, my life is done for. The final nail in my coffin of stupid chronic illnesses. I red somewhere it will cut your life off by 18 years. Assuming humans live til 80, I probably die at 62. My grandma may be alive at 64, but still, I feel scared if I ever get diagnosed because for me, that's a sign I'm not normal and I'm, well, deeply flawed and torn from the day I was born. Just please, can anyone tell me what it's like?

This is about my dad and my family about how they bad mouth him a lot, use my older stories for context (the bad experiences one).

So I’m in the car with my grandma(i love her but sometimes I can’t agree with her) and she randomly says, “You can’t get out the house much huh? What does your father even do with you?” And I can’t even say anything because I couldn’t think of even two things. So I feel a bit hurt since she’s in-directly insulting me? Idk I love my dad but I hate him? It feels like my relationship with my dad is the song “IFHY” by Tyler the creator” but in a father daughter way. I just really have a burning hatred for him because he didn’t do anything for a 1/3 of my life..

My grandma keeps randomly bringing up my father for the past 5 years and it hurts, knowing I can’t even stick up for him because I want her to still like me? And it’s just so humiliating that she keeps saying this when I’m making it clear I don’t like it just by my silence??

This isn’t really about my grandparents here but I just wanted to say something how I feel about my dad in present.

I really feel awkward and uncomfortable around him since my mom opened my eyes and showed me I shouldn’t like him? And now she’s acting oblivious like she never told me she wanted to divorce him. it’s just like your favored parent saying your drawing sucks and that they don’t want it?

My dad keeps trying to talk to me and it’s so bad… like I like that he’s trying to talk to me but like.. it doesn’t feel right? You had so much time to do this. But now you chose to try and step up?? I can’t believe I’m going to say this but.. I want them to divorce. It’s too much tension and it’s making me too scared to sit around my parents. Even when my dad goes near me I just want to scream and yell at him my frustration that I want to like him but I can’t since it feels wrong. Just trying to start liking him feels like I’m committing a war crime, since my mom literally told me she doesn’t like my dad anymore and my cousins and grandparents don’t like him.

Am I valid for feeling this? Or am I just too judgmental.

I know am like her. That's actually they main reason i can't stand her. Cause She thinks she sooo good and i'm the dirt under her feet but we're so much like each other. Better yet. She think we're not similiar at all and even openly said she dislikes me. Since i was like 7. Which f you. But also guess what? You're exactly like me. I know i'm Just as bad if not worse. I've been aware of that since forever. since she does nothing but remind me how bad and horrible i am. I've tried addressing this stuff to her. But to her? This Is normal. All the messed up stuff She does Is normal cause "She had It worse." And She Just gets worse. Maybe stewing in hate won't help. But since i can't talk to her since she won't listen. And i can't leave right now, venting and ignoring her Is the only thing i can do. (When i'll be able to leave i will. Even if just to get a break from her.) And honestly i think i have the whole right to be mad and hate her for wounds she caused. And i know for a fact what she does isn't right and i'm tired of pretending It Is. She doesn't deserve It. Cause she's not only horrible to me, and she's not only horrible to every since animal she "saved" once she gets bored and tired of them. She's horrible to others of our family too. She Just makes strangers thinks she's this adorable little princess. And yeah she did have It worse. But guess what? She stayed, for people who didn't care about her. She stayed and stewed in hate her whole Life and brought me with her. And now she's giving all that hate to me. I have the whole right to hate what she did and nothing will change my mind. Since realisticly speaking. I'll never be able to tell any of this, She never listens anyway. I am like her. A lot. But i'm trying to improve. I'm trying to be better. I am a bad person. But i don't scream at others day and night about minimal issues i brought uppon my self. I don't torture others for every single mistake they ever made. I don't "ban" crying cause it's not a good enough reason. I don't hurt others the way she does. She's stuck in the fantasy that she's perfect and above everyone else and She always will be. And i refuse to forgive her for that. ever.

I'm not even shocked at this point hahahah they've done that to me before years before they gonna do it again right now lol 😂

This is not for minors I dunno don't read if you can't, be safe. This is going to be about sexual stuff. This is going to include topics like SA! and other disturbing shit. I don't know if the story really fits the category but i couldn't find a better one. It's going to be long, so yall can skip it I don't mind. This also may be nonsensical because i cant write.

So starting off I'm very, very messed up. Im scared to talk about this even to a therapist and I will understand if you tell me im disgusting and horrible. Heres me trying to explain how I got to this point.

The first time i heard about sex was when i was in kindergarten. I don't remember much but I remember one of my friends walked in on her parents and was telling us about it. I was very confused about what was happening because I'd never heard of it. I don't think i was even given the warning to tell my parents if someone touched me. But that doesn't really matter.

So fast forward like a few years i was at the end of kindergarten like the late years. I hadn't started school yet. My mom during summer would leave me and my sister's at my grandma's for a week and our cousins would come and visit us. My cousin was only a year older than me and I would play with dolls with her. Only the games would be really messed up. She would act out scenarios where the guy was like 20-30 years old and the girl was like 12- 18 at most. In short the stories would normally go like this. The guy kidnaps her, locks her up, r@pes her multiple times and she falls in love with him. Of course at that age i didn't know how messed up it was i didn't even know what was sex and when I asked she gave me a very fuxked up explanation. We were both kids. I was scared my mom would be mad if I told her what we played so I never did.

Now again skipping a few years I'm in school. The boys in my class are even in 1st grade finding porn sites and other shit like that. I still was mostly confused and didn't interact with any of it. Until one day when i was like 12 or 11 or something. My friend invited me over to her house. And she told me: I will show you something but you can't tell anyone. She shows me corn sites... And not even the normal ones like hardcore bdsm shit. And of course like the little stupid kid I was like I got hooked. I have ADHD that might be part of it. At that time I freshly got my first phone that had internet. I immediately got hooked. But my mom caught me. And then we had a sit down talk about what is sex and how it actually works.

And that might've worked if i already wasn't so messed up. I was still watching but i got better at hiding it.

A little while later I joined a fandom. It was fine and cool but the fandom had really gross shipping culture and I stumbled upon it and again got way too into it. First i just found fan content on tik tok. Then it was Fanart then Wattpad and then finally the beast AO3. Even though until this point I had already been seeing some weird shit. AO3 was the thing that took it off the rail. The sorting system on the site is pretty hard for beginners and I started to read some very disturbing and disgusting stuff. I think I got addicted both to mastu*bating and to corn.

And here i am now.

I'm addicted to the shit. I hate myself. Whatever you think I've read I can assure you I've read worse. The thing is I don't normally consume that shit. I feel disgusted when i see it. But when I'm excited it's like my brain turns off and i am ready to see the most disgusting stuff and every time I need something more. And after post nut clarity hits i want to kill myself. And like you may say bdsm thats a normal kink DW. But its not. The shit I read contains noncon sometimes gore and even worse stuff. I'm not actually attracted to any of it. At least I hope so.

Okay that's it. I understand if no-one reads this. And I completely understand that if you do you call me disgusting. I am. I know. I wish it was different. I wish I could just wipe my mind clean. But i cant.

Okay bye have nice day if you read this and even if you didn't.

Yours truly, Most fucked up girl in the world.

my head hurts, I'm dizzy, I can barely breathe. I don't think I'll be able to stomach food, and I can barely swallow the special water my mom gives me every day. I draw a lot, but today the only thing I was able to draw today was Jason Voorhees because of the mask. I feel weak. Mentally and physically. Only 8 days into high school and it's already taking its toll.

Do you hear it, Bowie? The ringing. You've always been here. You can't leave.

I just want to be gone. I’m not important and I have no purpose. I’m useless and a replaceable. Hopefully I’ll be gone

I have a lot of emotions right now, and I just really need to share with someone. I don't want to burden any of my friends with this because I don't want it to seem like I am making a big deal over nothing. I just have a lot hitting me at once right now and I need to get it off my chest. first off is the thing that is bugging me the most right now. my family has been doing foster care for a while now. one thing I have noticed since we started is that I generally try not to get attached to the kids staying with us. foster care almost always ends in the kids being away from us. which is not a bad thing, it just means that the kid's parents are doing better so they can be reunited. which is usually much better for the kids. however, as a foster sibling, it makes it much harder to say goodbye after living together for so long. this has caused me to put walls up and not get too attached so that it doesn't hurt as much when it is time to say goodbye. well, we currently have a little kid staying with us who has a lot of medical needs. this kid has been staying with us for quite some time. he had to be brought in to the hospital today and then flown to another hospital that is fairly far away from us. we had no clue that this would end up being the case. anyway, it is killing me because of how much I miss him right now. the kid has turned into a real brother for me. I miss him and I am worried that he will be stuck in that hospital for several weeks again. the first time that he had to stay up there for a few weeks didn't affect me too much. for some reason it is making me really sad this time. it is making me genuinely scared of having to say goodbye. if I can hardly handle this, I don't know what I am going to do if he goes back to his family. I am worried about the kid and I am genuinely starting to love him like a little brother, and it scares me.

the second thing I needed to vent about isn't as big of a deal, but it is still getting under my skin. I have to start my junior year in high-school in two days and I am dreading it. I have been in denial and trying not to think about it, so I am not mentally prepared whatsoever. I don't want to go back because school and the dual credit classes I have been taking are mentally, physically and time draining. I have had a little break over the summer, and I finally feel relaxed and like myself again. I have been able to enjoy myself without being in a state of complete exhaustion all the time. I am not ready to let that go. I am also terrified for all the big tests I will have to take at the end of the year. this has all been stressing me out, but the thing that gets me the worst is how scared I am to grow up. I am trying to enjoy my childhood as much as possible, which is extremely difficult to do when all my time is filled with school work and chores. last year I felt lucky if I got to watch an entire movie in one go without loosing a bunch more sleep than I already was. I am terrified to have to be an adult because everyone talks about how horrible it is. I have tried to bring that up to my parents but my dad always just says that it only gets worse as you get older. I don't want to have to be an adult and be constantly miserable. I am trying to enjoy the last few years I have left to be a kid, which is very difficult with how little free time I have. I just want to stay in my room and never go back to school

I’m becoming a junior in high school soon and Im recovering from a suicide attempt. So my mom is pretty strict and especially with grades so she kept a close eye on my grades growing up and I already had excellent grades because I wanted to impress her, my world basically revolves around my mom since my dad isn’t present in my life because he had gotten married to another woman when my parents split. I kept my grades steady and I made sure to ace every test and do extra credit so my mom could praise me, she bragged about me to the rest of my family and it felt good. It wasn’t until I started high school she began to pressure me more, I didn’t have a lot of friends because I studied during breaks and lunches for upcoming tests. I had also joined clubs and a sport in my freshman year, it made me tired but I wanted to hear my mom say that I did so amazing and I’m so smart. In my sophomore year is when I felt like I began to have a hard time because I felt so isolated from the other students having fun but all I could think about is my mom. And when one of my grades dropped to a letter down in my classes my mom saw and got really mad at me at home she lectured that B’s will get me nowhere in life, I’m acting lazy like my dad and she didn’t give birth to failures. And I just cried and said I’ll do better next time and my mom just said “One of these days you won’t get to have a next time.” And after that day she took my phone and laptop away to help me focus better but she had also started to talk down at me even when i wasn’t doing anything and complain loudly in the house enough so I can hear and feel guilty. I’m not close with anyone in our family either so I couldn’t tell anyone about this. Teachers praised me but I wasn’t comfortable enough, I didn’t know how to cope so I resulted in harming myself for some dumb mistake I did in a test. I don’t want to get into too much detail about how I attempted but all I could think about is when I woke up in the hospital bed with my mom crying next to me asking why I did that and why i didn’t tell her. I just wanted her to hug me and tell me it’s okay. But I’m in therapy now I still love my mom and I’m grateful for her taking care of me playing both parts as a single parent and I’m okay, a little numb because it felt surreal that I did that.