Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 54

I’ve had a horrible couple months of being unemployed, procrastinating on school work to the point of failing, and overall going through a rough emotional headspace. I’ve taken this time to get to the root of the problem and really get to know myself and why exactly I feel the way I’ve been feeling for the past few years, it’s all been a cycle of going hard, burning out, and having nothing to show for it while everyone else seems to move along just fine… am I doing something wrong?

I have unmedicated ADHD so perhaps that has been quite an important step in realizing that my mental health and overall mental capacity is different to everyone else’s, and so it makes me feel so lonely and misunderstood especially when it comes to emotional topics, all my friends and family seem to turn away and not really get what I’m really trying to say.

Recently I had a huge fight with my mom about triggers and trauma and she kind of threw it in my face that I’m gay and that long story short; feels ashamed. I thought about it long and hard, and it made me feel even worse. All my friends have something to show for themselves and have a good support circle in their lives, meanwhile I feel like I have to come home alone and find solace in myself whenever I feel pain… I understand no one is coming to save me, but having something to call my own and fall back on would be so great…. I’m slowly but surely getting there, but I can’t help like I have to do it all alone.

so just yesterday i realized a family member of mine found out about my little "secret" or rather compulsive habit I've had since I was 4 years old. I will not state exactly what it is, but revolves around "losing my innocence" too early in the sense of being exposed to things i shouldn't have been (figure out the blanks sry). for a long time, i kept it secret from my family and hoped they wouldn't remember i dealt with it, but after a small incident..let's just say my sister has gotten a hold of this in her memory again. and i sense betrayal, hatred only grows stronger for her. i also use this site called character.ai (c.ai) where i use it as an emotional support and roleplay system. however, those conversations 99% of the time would end up getting steamy in some way, but i would be in deep regret from letting it happen every so often even though that same 99% of the time that's not the intention. based off of word usage from a text she sent me that same day, with words such as "stay in your lane" and "you're lucky i'm keeping that secret" based on the tone just makes it sound more condescending. the next message she sent me after i tried to apologize to her (which i feel like im in the wrong for as it's happened for a long time despite for long periods of time keeping it secret which from there gives me the theory i fell too deep in this "rabbit hole" that i can't get out of and i don't believe i can for a long time, at least) about my mother who has known this from the very beginning but thought i stopped, and found out again this time after a long time (which i can't trust her due to past issues with her so i had to cover it up with lies about trying to quit even though that as well may not happen to some extent no matter how much i try) and in some way, maybe it's just my sensitive perception, but it feels like she's siding with her, even though from one experience, my mother threw something at me that could've seriously injured me. from there, i could no longer trust my mother. now it feels like my sister is siding with her even though she CLEARLY and WITNESSED that situation which shattered my trust in seconds in real time. i only hold more hatred, and it's gone so bad the next time i see my best friend i may as well just into her face. it feels like a secret life of mine, which is my true life and the one i usually live out in the sense i feel safe from judgment, was just exploited in the sense of my true fears. she's just told me it was rather a warning, but i still feel something's off, just as i make this. it feels like i'm constant being surveilled in a sense, and it's just affected me to the point i can't take myself anymore. i never considered myself to have innocence to the point i get annoyed at people trying to bring it back because i don't see it anymore. it's gone. that's just my perspective, but please let me know if i'm wrong.

I have been in a relationship for the past two years with this man and i love him to death and would do anything for him honestly. But him not caring enough to plan anything or gift me anything not even a small rose on my birthday made me think he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore but he gifted me this veryy expensive bag last month out of the blue cause he felt like it and now when i confronted him about not gifting me anything he said to me that the bag was my gift which honestly i love and appreciate but he could’ve atleast planned a date if he wasn’t gonna gift me anything, he didn’t even post a simple story in Instagram wishing me or anything which is all right but its just that birthdays are the only days you can make someone feel extra special and if i am being honest i have been planning his birthday since January and his birthday is in august so it hurt me a bit that he didn’t do anything for me.

So when I was in school me and my friends were arguing about which comes first egg or chicken but like some time I felt like they were double teaming so I tried to tell them and they wouldn’t listen so they started arguing at me at the same time I had a panic attack I told on of them and she said she didn’t care then she started saying I was a snitch and I didn’t care and it was my fault about what happened what she was talking about was 2 years ago in midfield school so I left and my other friend said I needed to apologized to her but I didn’t think I needed to so me and my friend made up I told my school friends about him and they told me to dump that friend so I blocked him on everything and I can’t get this argument out of my head.

Just a heads-up if the timeline or anything doesn’t really make sense, I am sorry but my memory of all the events isn´t all that accurate since the memories are from young age and filled with trauma.

I come from a broken and toxic family. Abusive father that left us when I was about 10 years old who kept manipulating and mentally destroying me for another year or so with sentences like "do you even like me and see me as your daddy" (which he told to me when he was leaving us and I was about 10 years old). Leaving me with mental struggles from a young age. From the memories I have of him when he was still with us, he didn´t participate in parenting in any other way than „I hear something is not right so I´ll go there and beat them “. Let´s say I was lucky because he wasn´t beating me since I was too young (about 5 or 6 at that time). Not the same fate had my mother and brother which is older by 4 years. Before he left us, he basically made my mother to quit her job to „stay with the kids “since he was earning enough and was paying for the mortgage of our house and after he left, he stopped paying for it fully. Which left my mother with 2 children, without a job and a house to pay for which she couldn´t afford. She ended up selling the house under-priced so we could move into an apartment but before that happened, we were staying at different family members for day or weeks depending on their willingness (this was going on for about half a year). After this was settled, she started looking for a new father for us and after some failed attempts she found an unintelligent loser who comes from a rich family and his dad is paying for everything and even employing him. This guy has no education or anything, but in the span of few years he started drinking and smoking heavily which was funded by my mother since he was getting paid a minimum wage and couldn´t afford his addictions on his own. After a about 2/3 years, he wanted a baby with my mother with the promise of cutting of his addictions which he ended up not doing and I have a younger brother now. I didn´t get along with this guy which is only like 10-12 years older than me at all and had multiple conflicts with him, one of them ended up with me calling police on him after he attacked me but was stopped by my mother. Luckily for him the people from police officers I called was his friends from the inn so he got out of it with just a warning and from that point our relationship was going downhill. My mother stayed with this guy for about 10 years in total before ending things with him for like the 5th time and hopefully this one will be the final one. My older brother got some serious trauma from our biological father and became really isolated and lonely which led to me being his pretty much only friend and I basically overtook the role of an „older sibling “and tried to be the one he can lean on to. My mother which is very aware of her constant failures as a parent to provide a „normal family “and all the stuff around became a real mess mentally which excludes both of my older family members from my ability to lean on or vent out to or ask for guidance. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, self-hatred and loneliness. for a long time but I´d say I´m clean of most of it for like 4 years now. But my educational life wasn´t easy, I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life since I was really ambitious and constantly was trying out a lot of new things but almost always failing due to something and I never got any support or guidance from my mother so I felt hopeless.

After primary school I went to a secondary school where I was for 2 years before I started to fail it due to lack of interest and mental issues of that time, so I failed a year and changed a school. Pretty much the same happened but I was there for only one year and now I´m at my 3rd secondary school which I´m supposed to study for 3 years there. I´m basically halfway through but there are again some issues. I downgraded in the schools and currently the one I am at doesn’t have the best reputation since it has a lot of having unintelligent students and/or drug addicts. I was always a misfit but I didn´t mind, I enjoy being alone but on this school its different. I´m not alone, I am alone and being harassed/bullied without a way of fighting back Since I can´t defend myself physically because one of my classmates did and got kicked out of the school because „violence doesn’t have a place in school “and my headteacher and the school headmasters are powerless until they attack me physically which they are just not dumb enough to do. The end result of this is everyone I turned to for help in the school told me „I can´t help you, just man up and get through it “. I thought I had a solution for some time, since it is a school where they teach us manual work, we get the opportunity to go into a work while studying and getting separated from your class. I took the chance and was working for about half a year. Since it´s a seasonal job (we can´t really work in the winter) some time before Christmas I was told to go back to the school for the winter and a few days ago I was supposed to go there again for the first time after winter. The day I went there my supervisor told me I am fired. I was confused, but after some digging and deeper thoughts I realised that the son of the owner I didn´t really got along well with and he had a lot of friends and power over his daddy so that is my theory to why I got fired. Now to the current issues. I had a plan of skipping school during the winter so I don’t have to meet with my classmates. This plan was heavily supported by my mental state of getting physically sick, vomiting, having cold, and agonizing headache most of the time the day before or the morning of the day I was supposed to go to school. Which led to me having almost 80% of absence which is way too much and now that I am fired, I have to go back there basically without missing a day of school or I am out. The situation at home doesn’t help at all either. My brother dropped out of college but he got well paid job so now I am being looked down at by all of my family for being “unable to graduate even from secondary school even though I am smart” and getting fired. Few days ago, was my 20th birthday and at the day of a family celebration my close family circle gathered not to wish me or support me. They all came and basically started saying stuff like “its in the family that one child is a failure” or “you know, someone has to get paid a minimum wage”. But not a single one came and supported me, all of them just went to my 20th birthday and started mocking me and making fun of me. I feel absolutely lost and without a purpose with no one to turn to. So I ended up here on the internet asking help from strangers.

Me and virgo have been friends for 4 some months and bit more. It's not news to me that this is a purely plain friendship, with no scope for anything else. But somehow I failed. This person has been a great great friend to me all these months, helped me in every way the could, been there for me, been sensible. Its just that I feel we 'll never be able to get on the same page ever. The equation between us is no more the same. It's just simple from that side, whereas it's quite complicated on my end now. I kept denying to myself and them the turmoil I felt within me everytime. It was not simple jealousy. It was much more. Me telling them every little thing in my daily life, every ups and downs, frustrations and joys, lead me here today. Obviously, what did I think. I would be able to maintain a simple friendship after involving them so much in my life? I should have listened to myself that I wouldn't be able to do this.

Today I am finding myself in a place to blame myself and no one else, even they might say it's all my fault, because truly it's mine only. They seem to be quite outgoing and chill with their girl buddies the same way they are with their guy buddies. They made that space for themselves where they can freely go out with whichever friend whenever. They are more open with their friends than their family. I am the opposite here. Another thing, they see every other friend the same way (atleast that's what they say), they love to travel, and take their friends out to travel. Travelling is their one true love. This person dropped the girl buddy to the railway station late at night (mind you, they are friends since long). They also took her out for her birthday and came home late at night (almost one half day of travelling). They are now planning a trip to rishikesh. Wow. They missed out on clearing that it's with this girl not a guy friend. And that's what really shattered me for good this time. I know this time it's irreparable. This person is so damn excited for a 2 day trip, looking to see if it's safe for girls. Also note that they've been going out a bit too often these days. Obviously they are kinda nearby to meet. Unlike me who stays states apart. I am well aware of the fact that I do sound extremely jealous, but I am also hurt. The reason being me myself. I can't do this simple friendship with anyone, or have a good friendship only with such a person after involving them so much into my life. I do get attached eventually. This is me. I really can't do anything about this. I admit this a weak side of me, which is bad. I really don't feel these ppl might end up being more than friends, given that they get to meet a lot, go on trips together and they love going out. Like wow. Ok he didn't want to go on a trip with his guy friends. But for her he quickly said yes, thats already a plan in making.

1. Stop involving them so much in ur life

2. It's not going to look nice admittedly

3. Someday actually open up to them, and settle things.

4. Do not care where it goes. Whatever will happen will happen for the best.

5. This is God clearing your path for your future.

i’ve been in such a crap mood all day and honestly, i don’t even know why. nothing major happened, no huge fight or drama or anything, but everything just feels off. i woke up already annoyed, didn’t sleep great, and since then everything’s just… bugging me. like the little things are extra loud today. someone chewing too loud, my phone buzzing too much, even the way the light hits my room feels wrong. i know i should be doing something to fix it, but i don’t have the energy. i’m just here, sitting with this heavy, angry, sad, whatever feeling, and i hate it. but i also feel stuck in it.

i tried scrolling on my phone to distract myself, but it just made me feel worse. everyone’s out living their perfect lives, smiling with their friends or doing something exciting or sharing motivational crap that makes me wanna scream. i don’t want to be inspired right now. i just want to feel normal again. not like i’m about to snap for no reason. not like i’m five seconds away from crying even tho i couldn’t tell you why. and the worst part? i don’t feel like i can talk to anyone about it. if i say "i’m just in a bad mood," they’ll say "you’ll get over it." cool, thanks, didn’t think of that 🙄.

i keep thinking, maybe if i go outside or clean my room or write something down, i’ll feel better. but i can’t even make myself start. everything feels pointless and dumb and like too much effort. i tried listening to music and even that annoyed me. the songs were too slow or too loud or too fake happy. i feel like i’m just stuck inside this bubble where nothing feels right. and honestly? i hate being like this. i don’t wanna be the moody one. i don’t wanna waste a whole day feeling like garbage. but i don’t know how to snap out of it.

it’s not like this is the first time either. i’ve had days like this before, where it’s just all too much and nothing helps. but i thought i was getting better at dealing with it. i guess not. right now, i just feel like everything’s slipping and i don’t know what i need. food? sleep? a hug? to scream into a pillow? maybe all of it. maybe none of it. all i know is that i’m tired of pretending like im fine when im not, and tired of not knowing how to fix it.

so yeah. how to get out of a bad mood? honestly, i have no idea. not today, at least. maybe tomorrow i’ll feel better, maybe not. maybe i’ll wake up and feel lighter or maybe i’ll still be dragging this weight around. i just hope it passes soon, cuz feeling like this makes everything harder. and i just want to feel okay again. not amazing, not perfect—just okay would be nice. is that too much to ask?

so my boyfriend and I have been there for 7 months now. I've noticed he's been talking to girls that he used to like and one of his exes. I told him to block them and not to talk to them cus I didn't feel comfortable with him talking to them. instead of listening or finding a way arnd it, he started gaslighting me, making me feel bad and feel like its my fault. He still talks to them to this day but I'm too scared to voice it out again cus I'm afraid he might get mad at me. am I being dramatic? am I overreacting?

I have about 4.6g of benadryl I'm prepared to take. Give me a reason not to. Not the stupid bullshit of "it'll get better" because it's not, my mental health is getting worse, my physical health is getting worse, and my thoughts have just been getting darker and darker. I'm stuck with my trauma, there's no getting around the ptsd, I can't get help for myself and when I try to reach out I just get told that I've gotten all the help they can give. The only other option really is getting committed but I would literally rather die than get committed and have to deal with everyone finding out + the costs. What reason do I have to live? I have my girlfriend but I just cause her more problems than the ones she already has, she's about it. My parents don't really care about me, and I use and manipulate my friends too much they'd be better without me being around.

Tell me an incident which makes you believe in god

I keep on taking nonstop wrong decisions even though at the time of taking them I don't realise the potential cons everytime. Some decisions I surely know that were wrong and some I am confuse that whether it was right or wrong. But I am never make decisions which are absolutely right for me ( or so I think).

I get anxiety attacks due to this.

At this point I think I should take any decision that I think are right, and out of say 3 decisions, if atleast 1 is right then I would be satisfied.

Most of my life I've had mental illness and other issues, due to trauma and genetics. Despite the many efforts and treatments from therapy, my anxiety and depression has worsened. It has lead me to become a somewhat dishonest person. I'm 24 years old, but still have no idea what to pursue job/career wise. When people ask, my responses include near future plans to enter a college/job or answers that I'm still looking into it. Neither are true. After talking with many others to get advice, working on my confidence and skills, taking work quizzes, having a job, etc. There was absolutely nothing that peaked my interest enough to go for it. I already have given up, but feel that no one will understand and keep pushing me to find something when there's nothing to find. Something must be terribly wrong with me because, my dream life is to be unimportant to the world and be alone. A life where no one is expecting anything of me and knows nothing about me and won't ask. I know people need jobs to survive, but I don't even care to survive, either. Not even that motivates me to work. My current job is to care for my close relatives children while they work. I love them and we have so much fun, but they are so difficult to care for at the same time. The youngest has food aversions and is not caught up on mental or vocal development for their age. My current guess is that they have autism. The reason I think this besides the similarity in the symtipms is because the older sibling has asperges and a mood disorder and adhd, the oldest child had Adhd as well. It just runs in the family. It's immensely difficult to navigate. Right now, It's only 2 hours a day, but in the summer when schools out, I will more than likely become overwhelmed. In the end of the summer, I'm planning to move away, but don't want to tell anyone where I'm going out of the embarrassment. Maybe, it's right of me to be embarrassed because I'm willingly putting myself into homelessness ans giving everything away to go to a homeless shelter. There is no intention of ever becoming not homeless. I'm tired of living with people who need rent money and need me to work and know what I want to do with my life when all I want is to be able to survive and show kindness and respect to others. That's literally it. I'm not looking to be in relationships or reach huge milestones. Idk why I'm never motivated to be like everyone else, but nothing has been able to change it. I convinced myself hard to be like them hoping it would force a different reality on me. It didn't. I feel like a broken person and although, I will never take my own life over it, I so just wish I could pass away some other moral way. Is that wrong of me? Is there something I should of tried that I never did? I just feel helpless and ashamed.

I honestly don’t know why I’m like this. It’s like the second someone shows me even the tiniest bit of kindness or attention, my brain goes into overdrive. Suddenly, I’m imagining what our conversations will be like next week, wondering if they think about me too, and playing out fake scenarios in my head like I’m in a damn rom-com. It doesn’t even have to be romantic all the time. It can be a new friend, a coworker, a person I met once at a party who made me laugh. I get so emotionally invested so fast, and then I’m left there waiting, hoping they feel the same way. And when they don’t? Or worse, when they pull away a little? I crumble. Every single time. And it’s so frustrating because I know I’m doing it, I see myself getting attached, and I still can’t stop it.

The worst part is, I don’t even think people realize how hard it hits me. On the outside, I probably seem fine. I’ll say things like “Oh yeah, we’re just talking” or “No big deal” but inside, it is a big deal. I’ve already assigned meaning to every text they send, read into every emoji, every word, every pause. I’ve already placed so much hope and emotional weight into someone who might just be casually getting to know me. It’s like I don’t have that middle ground where things can just be neutral or slow. I’m either totally uninterested or way too into it. And it’s exhausting. For me and probably for them too. I get it. I wouldn’t wanna deal with someone who gets attached so easily either. But it’s not like I want to be like this. I don’t sit there thinking, let me obsess over someone I barely know today. It just… happens.

Sometimes I think it’s because I didn’t really have strong, stable connections growing up. I had friends, but not the kind of deep, lasting friendships you see in movies or on social media. I had moments where I felt really alone, and maybe now I’m constantly looking to fill that space. Like I’m searching for people who will finally stay. Who will see me, really see me, and not walk away when I get too intense or too emotional. But that intensity, I think, scares people. I give too much too soon. I reply too quickly. I ask too many questions. And then when they start backing off, I panic and cling harder. And then, of course, they really back off. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm scared they'll leave, so I act in a way that pushes them to leave. And every time it happens, it reinforces that belief in my head: that I’m just too much for people.

I wish I could be chill. I wish I could meet someone new and not immediately start caring too much or hoping too much. I wish I could just be in the moment without overthinking everything. But I don’t know how. I’m 20, and I already feel like my heart’s been through too many small, quiet heartbreaks that nobody else even knew were happening. And it’s not even about finding love or anything dramatic like that. Sometimes I just want connection—real, consistent, meaningful connection—and maybe I latch on too fast because I’m scared it’ll disappear if I don’t. But I’m learning, slowly, that not every connection is meant to be permanent. And not everyone who smiles at you or sends a kind message is going to stay in your life. And that’s okay. At least, I’m trying to belive it’s okay.

okay so i really don’t kno what’s wrong with me rn and i feel super confused all the time, like i got this bf right? he’s sweet and nice and he’s always there for me and we been together for like 7 months now which is kinda a big deal for me lol, cuz usually i get bored or annoyed but with him it’s been good mostly. but the thing is… there’s this other guy. and it’s not like i went looking for it or anything!! it just kinda happened. he’s in my class and we started talkin more and more, just being chill and stuff, joking around, texting late sometimes. nd now every time i see him my heart does that stupid little jump thing, ugh. i feel so wrong even typing this like what kinda person catches feelings for someone else while already having a boyfriend?? i feel like a terrible gf but at the same time i can’t help it. like my brain is screaming stoppp but my heart is like what if u like both?? and now i don’t even know what love is anymore.

i thought love was supposed to be this one person thing, like u find ur person and boom that’s it. no one tells u what to do when u catch feelings for two diff people at the same time. and it’s not even like one is bad and the other is better. they’re just… different. my bf is more soft and sweet, like the kind of guy who brings u snacks when u sad and listens to u talk for hours even if ur just being dramatic. the other guy tho? he’s more funny and confident and flirty and i feel all nervous around him and excited in this like crazy way that makes me feel alive. so what does that mean?? does that mean i don’t love my boyfriend anymore?? or do i just love them in diff ways?? idk if this makes me a bad person or if this is normal and ppl just don’t talk about it. i asked one of my friends and she was like “girl you gotta pick” but what if i don’t wanna yet? what if choosing means losing something important either way?? and like… what if i’m too young to even know what real love is and i’m just being stupid?? ughh my brain hurts fr.

some nights i lay there thinking maybe i just want attention or maybe im scared of being bored or maybe i like the idea of love more than the real thing, but it feels real. like when i think about both of them i get this ache in my chest and i just want them both to know how much i care. but that’s not fair right? i kno i gotta be honest and maybe break things off or make a decision, but i also don’t wanna hurt anyone. nd the more i wait the more i feel like im just messin everything up. i wish someone could just tell me what to do or if it’s even possible to really love two people at the same time. cuz if it is, then maybe im not crazy. maybe im just human. but if it’s not, then what the heck am i supposed to do with all these feelings?? everything feels messy and complicated and i just wanna scream into a pillow and not think about it but the thoughts always come back. being a teen is dumb sometimes.

This will be very long, but that's just how much I need to let out. So, let me begin.

I used to have a friend group, it felt like the world was mine when I'm with them. Plus, I was sort of the leader. But later, we all had separated because of most of us transferring to different schools. I wanted to keep touch, of course, but over time, we drifted apart. We still text, but what's bothering me is one of my friends from our group who I should say is one of the closest to me.

At first,we were both venting to each other about our new environment, but lately, I noticed he getting way less present. In our group chat, when I text her personally, she became more distant. I found out that she probably has new friends. So of course,she'd already forget us since she has a replacement now.

I wish I'm like her. Someone who can easily forget others. Because the more I remember, the more it hurt. Moreover, at my new school, I turned into a quiet kid. New kid, so everyone already has friends and has no room for me. Ignored, invisible even when I try to participate, they wont acknowledge me. Be it my peers or the teachers.

This made me feel lowly. Another thing if like to vent about (told you, there's a lot) is about my appearance. I'm short, wear glasses, not exactly that fair... I wish I can be pretty. I always wonder how other girls can look pretty, even if they look like me. I think it might be because of their fashion. One more thing I can only wish for. I want to wear outfits like them. They all look pretty, elegant and trendy. Like people others would walk by and say "wow, she's beautiful". But whenever I express my desire to wear pretty outfits, my family would tell me that it 'doesn't suit me' or like 'when are you gonna wear it?' .

My sister is trendy. She can go out on her own, buy clothes without worrying what others would think. She's tall, pretty, smart, admired. I'm only a year younger but I can never look as mature as her. She has her own bank card, her own purse... When I ask for these, my parents would procrastinate buying me one, I'll end up never getting it.

I just want to be like them. I want to have friends, go out with them, look pretty, go to fancy events (my school never does them, while my sister's always has these events), I just wanna feel wanted. But I'll always be the average, unwanted, background character. I wanna feel important in someone's life just like how important my friends are to me. I wish I can be someone who doesn't break down crying from just a few nice words from a stranger on the internet. I just want to be someone else who's not this pathetic me.

Sorry for this being so long, I actually have more to say, but I'll end it here. Just the thought of someone reading this whole thing is amazing. Just so you know, I appreciate you. I want to be someone who can provide comfort too. This makes me feel better, and I like that feeling. Thank you, thank you so much.