Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 54

Growing up, I never really knew there was a name for what my parents were. I just knew that somethin was off. Other kids talked about their moms and dads like they were these safe places, comfort zones, u kno? Mine weren’t. My parents were more like actors on a stage, and I was the audience they needed applause from constantly. Everything revolved around them—their feelings, their needs, their dreams. If they had a bad day, it was my fault. If they fought, somehow that landed on me too. I learned early to keep quiet, to keep my own feelings hidden, cause whenever I tried to express them, I got shut down quick. It was always, “How could u say that after everything we’ve done for u?” Or my personal favorite, “You’re so selfish.” For a long time, I actually believed that. I thought that maybe I really was selfish for wanting my own feelings to matter. And it’s taken years, and a whole lotta therapy to finally realize that wanting to be heard doesn’t make me selfish—it makes me human.

It’s funny tho, lookin back, cause when I was little I just assumed every house was like mine. That every kid walked on eggshells tryin not to upset their parents. I thought every mom was dramatic and cried easily, making you feel guilty for even existin. I thought every dad was overly critical, pickin apart every mistake, remindin you constantly how lucky you were that he even bothered to feed and clothe you. It wasn’t till I started spendin more time at my friends’ houses that I realized something was seriously messed up at mine. Their parents listened to them. Like really listened. When my friends spoke, their parents didn’t just wait for their turn to talk—they actually heard them. And when they messed up, they got hugged, comforted, reassured. Not shamed or belittled. The more I saw that, the more confused and honestly jealous I became. I wondered what it felt like to grow up without fear, without that constant anxiety in your gut tellin u that ur feelings weren’t important, that ur only job was to make sure your parents were happy, even if it meant hiding who you really were.

As I got older, it didn’t get easier. In some ways it got harder. Teen years are supposed to be when you figure out who u are, but that was nearly impossible in a house ruled by narcissists. Any attempt at independence was treated like a personal betrayal. My mom would cry, sayin I didn’t love her anymore. My dad would get cold and distant, like I’d deeply offended him just by having an opinion of my own. I learned to live a double life—one version for home, the other for school and friends. But the exhaustion of it was brutal. I felt like an actor too, just like them, pretendin to be okay, pretendin everything was fine. Even when I left home and went to college, the damage was already done. I struggled to form healthy relationships. I kept waitin for friends or boyfriends to turn on me, to blame me for things, to tell me my feelings weren’t valid. And sometimes they did, cause I guess I subconsciously chose people who were familiar—people who acted like my parents. Breaking that cycle felt almost impossible. I kept wonderin if maybe my parents were right, maybe I really was just impossible to love or deeply flawed somehow.

But here’s the thing: eventually, I found people who showed me different. I found therapy. I found books and podcasts that made me realize I wasn’t alone, that being raised by narcissists wasn’t my fault, and most importantly, that it didn’t have to define me forever. Slowly, I started settin boundaries. Slowly, I learned to say no without feelin guilty. Slowly, I started believin that my feelings mattered just as much as anyone else’s. It's still hard sometimes. There’s still days when the old voices creep back in, tellin me I’m not good enough or that I’m selfish for thinkin of myself. But now I kno those voices are lies. Now I kno my worth isn’t defined by anyone else's approval, especially not theirs. I won’t pretend it’s been easy—cause it hasn’t. Healing from parents like mine is messy, complicated, and takes longer than anyone wants to admit. But it’s possible. It’s happening. And every day I feel a lil bit more free. I might’ve been raised by narcissists, but I don’t have to live the rest of my life under their shadow. I’m finally learnin to step into the light—my own light. And damn, it feels good.

I'm tired of not being recognized. Nobody pays attention to me nor acknowledges my existence properly.

I tried other sites to vent, but nobody responded or even let me speak. It feels like there’s nothing special about me anymore. I don’t feel unique, and I need someone to make me feel alive, to make me feel like I’m worth something.

It became overwhelming, and I started to feel a profound sense of desperation, crying uncontrollably. I want someone to acknowledge me, but there are no people, no topics to talk about, and nothing about me that seems interesting.

I almost gave into SH again after months of not doing it; but with all my will, I made it into cold water before that happened. It wasn't even enough... Well, whatever. I'm now here

I guess it’s just me and my past regrets. I’ve come to realize that most people either act like it never happened or talk to someone else to share their sorrow, and somehow that works for them. So, I'm probably just another idiot.

so I'm in uni and there's this one guy who's annoying. and when I say annoying he is extremely annoying. very confident in himself, socialises quite well with everyone ( in a way where they all joke about him not doing work and he claims he does work - he does the work, mostly, he knows what's happening and is just lazy I believe-- a lot of the people go to him to ask him if their answers are right --he gets the answers from previous year students)

I, as a shy person, hardly speak to him or even look at him. I'm there, quitely getting my work and struggling on my own. I wonder if he even knows my name. another reason why I don't speak to him is that I've been in groups with him before and it wasn't very pleasant - ego, and all stuff I can't find the words for right now

point is- he was presenting with his group the other day, and I was observing how he was making faces at this girl in his group who kinda messed up the introduction of the presentation. I was like she's nervous, it's not that deep, why is he getting so annoyed. I ended up making eye contact with him and I looked away cuz now why not ( the type to think all girls like him and if you constantly make eye contact it means the same)

when I was presenting, a girl next to me volunteered to answer the lecturers question and he was looking in our direction with weird curiousity and smile/smirk idk on his. then I realised oh maybe it's cuz they volunteered to answer and save the group or he thinks they nerdy idk. later, the same girl next to me told me that when we both presented our parts, he listened and constantly nodded in agreement to our points , and for the others , he had his earphones on and was glued to his phone. I was like okay well it doesn't have to mean anything

few days later, when the same girl and I were walking to the lecture room, he was sitting on the side and I saw him literally following us (with eyes) as we walked. the girl and I are like whatt even.

a day later, we had to work together again amongst others, and other groups were discussing and working together, but mine was just quiet. so I was like looking around to see ..guys are we gonna work together or what. and I looked at him . eye contact. and the actual point here is . his eyes says something, shows some sense of emotion but what's working on me is that I cant figure out what the eyes are showing.it feels like there's so much being spoken in those seconds. like hes thinking so much and what is actually going through his head? what is he thinking? is he looking at me with disgust? superiority? it doesn't look like it. it looks something soft. or mocking sometimes? in the sense that he is well confident in himself, life sorted, socialises. firstly, I'm shy and he hardly even heard my voice or saw me, so what I'm questioning is that why are his eyes like that 😭. and why am I overthinking all this. and I'm not into all this liking and having a crush and all so please don't jump to these thoughts😭 it's just really irritating not knowing what's he thinking and also irritating to want to know what he's thinking.

really sorry for such a long story, don't know how to summarise. I need a solution. I can't keep feeling shy with people first of all. and why must I feel weak and break the eye contact and feel weird about what he's saying with his eyes.

I don't know.

For years I've always been... "different"

The tallest girl in class, the biggest girl in the room, the darkest girl in school, the girl with the deepest voice, the girl with a fiery temper, etc. Ive never found myself fitting into one mould or having someone that I can totally relate to. Even now I find myself lost as the only person in my circle of friends that does not want to uptake medicine or STEM subjects in general. It's always me... I feel like I'm cursed to always be the "odd one out" I feel inferior to others. Like as if I don't matter or I'll never be good enough because I'm not like "them". I'm not pretty, I'm not as smart, not as ambitious or studious, not as gifted. I'm just me but here's the case... what do I even have to offer to the table? Who am I even? What am I? What was I made for... what was I made to do. What does my future even look like... All these questions and yet I'm met with no answer. Just doubts piling on my brain like a bunch of incomplete assignments. Am I even worth it as a person?

idk wht category to choose for this

I don’t want to need people. I don’t want to want people. I don’t want to care about people. Like these couple of months (and can even say years) ive have really tried looking for someone , someone really close to like a best friend if someone would say. I feel like that’s what made me really sad like in movies it’s always ‘I will always have that one person’ like bro why can’t it be more idolized that people don’t have anyone, they have themselves ABD are still happy. I’m not tryna be depressed on this whole ‘self-isolation’ thing but it’s really not guaranteed that you’d ever find someone. Like I want to learn about be COMPLETELY happy alone. Like genuinely have tried making friends but NO everyone has their person. This doesn’t help that the shows I grew up with always revolve around friends and ‘best friends’ . And ik all that stuff about ‘humans are social creatures’ shut up .

Just trying to find someone leads me to disappointment and it just hurts tryna find my person. Wish I have the mentality of not needing anyone this week did somehow start like that. But a fight happened in school and I just taught of how nice it would have been to have friends to talk about it. Like so a lot of my plans have actually tried to make me cope with this by tryna find someone that also relates to my situation. But idek

Well I think that’s it?

Hopefully no one’s gonna be like ‘don’t worry you will find your person’ ‘it will be worth the wait when you get them’ ‘it’s hard having no friends’

I've been married for 20 years with no children. Due to medical error, my wife was incapacitated, and I became 24/7 home carer for 9 years. In recent years, we've seen significant improvement in mobility and function, but due to brain damage, my wife will never recover her memories or her personality. Our relationship unsurprisingly is now more like close siblings or housemates, not a spouse and lover. From being best friends, we now find ourselves having different views, preferences, and even desires. Because of Christian faith, we won't get divorced, and so my wife suggested I discretely find what is missing elsewhere.

I'm not looking for random one-time hookups or to be a sugar daddy. But I do crave the emotional connection, flirting, and excitement missing from my life. I just don't know how best to find a woman who seeks the same. I'm looking for my new best friend, initially online, until we know each fully. Then if if it's meant to be, naturally in person with a view to being each others FWB?

(what? these letters to myself actually really help. You should try it.)

Hey me,

I see you in homeroom, blasting Letdown through your earbuds. I'm doing the same thing. Marching Band yesterday was crazy, wasn't it? Last year's Spring Trainings weren't that fun! I don't remember playing Sharks and Minnows and Red Light Green Light last year, do you?

Anyway. I know seeing Skyler again hurt. I still don't know why he stopped talking to you. He's a bit of an asshole, you know? But at least you have Kiara, and your cousin, and sometimes Kris. Maybe, eventually, even Greysi or Lillian. And Lauren seems to like you decently. You don't need Skyler, do you?

I know you really liked him. But you're over him now, aren't you? I know I am.

And you can have just as much fun at the Marhing Band car wash without him. I know, being friends with him made it more fun, but you don't need a boy like him to have fun. You'll make new friends. And like I said, you have Kiara.

I know he hurt you really bad when he started ignoring you. I get it. Things like that hurt. And now, it just adds to what your school "friends" have been doing to you. But trust me, you don't need him. And things like that never last forever. My guess is that he was friends with you while he liked you, and when he stopped liking you, he didn't see any point in being your friend anymore. Boys have weird logic like that. I swear I will never understand them.

I know things seem bad right now, because soon you're gonna have to see him two to three times every week, but you'll get over him completely. I promise. We're gonna get through this. We're stronger than you think we are. Heck, we're probably stronger than I think we are.

You got this,

You.

So yesterday the Marching Band season started

I have a friend who's in marching band. she's three years older than me, she's really awesome and she has GREAT taste in music.

I met her last year in last year's marching band season. (last year was my first year.)

Also last year, I had another friend.

He was pretty cool. We met because of a mutual friend I had made during that year's Spring Trainings.

We became pretty good friends.

The music that year was really stressful. I ended up crying in the hallway, considering quitting, but he gave me a pep talk.

I started to really like him.

Then, in the middle of the season last year, he stopped speaking to me for no reason at all.

And then, yesterday, first day of spring Trainings, I had to see him again.

It hurt like crazy.

I am tired about feeling like a failure.. I have done a mistake and I want to find amends to it.. But all I feel is I am tired I can't anymore..

My boyfriend feels hurt and I know I have hurt him but I don't know how to make amends. I know I am the worst person present.. I have let him down always.. I feel like I am the bad person in his life.. Somehow whatever happens I end up being the bad person.. I get angry I shout.. I don't know how to process anything.. I don't know how to go on.. I have made a decision to end my life right now.. I feel like I have no purpose and no motivation if things will be alright.. I have no hope left.. I can't change the situation nor myself and nothing is getting solved anymore.. So I have decided to die

i dont really kno how to explain it but like most days i feel happy but sad at the same time, like im laughin with my friends and everything seem fine, i go to school, i joke around, i listen to music, i even get excited for stuff like a new movie or some game night or whatever, but deep down theres this weird sadness just sittin there and i dont even kno why, like theres nothin wrong exactly, nothing i can point to and say “this is why im sad” but it’s just there like a quiet shadow followin me everywhere even when the sun’s out, i could be in the middle of a good moment and then boom i just feel kinda empty, and it dont make sense cause my life isn’t bad, i got a roof, i eat every day, my family’s not perfect but they’re not awful either, nd i got a few real friends, not a lot but enough, so why do i feel like this? why do i feel like im broken or like something’s missin? sometimes i’ll be walking home and suddenly i feel like crying for no reason at all, and i dont cry, not really, but like inside it builds up and makes my chest tight, and i try to smile through it cause i don’t wanna be the sad kid or make things awkward for other people, like they expect me to be chill and upbeat cause that’s what i’ve always been but i feel like im fakin it more and more lately, like i don’t even know if the smiles are real or just habit now, nd then when i try to explain it to someone i feel stupid cause i don’t even got a story to tell, it’s just vibes, like this weird heavy cloud that dont go away even when the sky’s blue, nd sometimes i think maybe that’s just life and everyone’s like this and they just hide it better or maybe im just soft or weak for lettin it get to me, but either way it sucks, cause i wanna be happy for real, not fake happy or happy with a side of sad, just happy and done, but it never last, it’s like i reach it for a sec and then sadness taps me on the shoulder again and i cant shake it, nd maybe that’s what scares me the most, that this weird mix of happy and sad is just who i am forever and i’ll never feel one without the other again.

Like ok I have really wanted a friend, not just any friend like a close friend essentially a best friend if you would say. I wanted one of those since late 2022. <jst smt random-

In 2022, would I really say I had this person? I think so? She’s kinda the reason I want one of these people, bc yh she really did kinda vibe with me , even when i wasn’t really vibing with her. Like i don’t really remember but she was an AMAZING responder(ATLEAST that what I remember??) I was young then, I would say she’s the reason 2022 (ATLEAST March-June) was so good>

So we stopped talking, I moved and tbh Id say I don’t really have friends here. Like tbh ever since like I stopped being friends with her, I never have that person again since like I think I’ve been trying to find a person the same as her? Yk? Like I’ve tried making a best friend online but they just aren’t really a vibe like I wouldn’t even say theif ever be a best friend to me , and the other way around.

This is gonna be about just like recently, so ‘highschool’ that’s what they call it here. Like ever since the 5th of September ive been sitting alone and I don’t think I have friends or atleast friends that are close, yk u sit with them at lunch, and all that close friend stuff. Like OK BEILVE ME I HAVE TRIED MAKING FRIENDS BUT EVERYONE CLEARLY HAS THEIR OWN FRIENDS. Like yk sciences in movies where a girl comes sit with the girl alone and they become friends and even closer, like seriously where is that person for me?? Where my friend that has ‘been through it all with me’ . Like around February this year I have been trying to manifest a friend but someone in a similar situation with me. Like they also have no friends so we hang out with each other but as uve prob guessed I don’t have them.

No cause I have tried I’ve tried with the new girl at my school (in like September I think?) the conversation was so one sided. Like I see her sometimes and I think shes still alone too, I’ve tried online making a bff I tried with a person , we exchanged flipping PHONES NUMBERS! I thought this will be it , but she really isn’t my kinda person. She says she hangs out with people she dislikes and she hates them, I was like then leave??? And she was like but IDONT wanna be alone. Ok yk I might be being petite but I literally tell her my situation and how I have no friends so why would she even say that??? Like abd overall her response ts are so bland like I think that’s a key thing for me in friends like fym ur a good ‘listener’ but not a good responder at that point let me just go talk to the wall

Well I think that’s all <3

So I don’t know if I want a best friend or someone who kinda relate to me and my situation?

I really hope someone actually gets this and not be like ‘it’s hard having no friends but u will find some!’

i really need someone to talk to

i’m a 16 year old girl, laying in my bed, and something is genuinely fucked in my head- people say that for attention and people say that like they want it but this isn’t that- for the past 6 years i’ve had extreme antisocial tendencies as proclaimed by my psychiatrist, and i just don’t know what to do. i feel stuck. i don’t know how to change in an environment that insists that i cannot and never will. i really just need someone to talk to; i told a real life friend, they thought i was insane. i need the anonymity.

this is my experiences

4 am in the bathroom

The door locked

Don't let anyone in

Banging your head against the wall

Tears streaming down your face

The red river dripping from the wrist to floor

The pain intoxicating, pulling you in

Until you feel numb

Each mark deeper and deeper

No one must know

You feel the shame and guilt wash over you

You hide away

Long sleeves in the summer

"Come on take off your hoodie it's warm"

Then they find out

The screaming, the fighting

The arguing

The cycle repeats itself

4 am in the bathroom

The door locked

Don't let anyone in

basically my dad passed away almost two years ago (july 18) and the only time i have visited him was when we buried him.

he died of a heart attack cause he was drunk at the beach when it was hot. he had a drinking problem for as long as i can remember but it was particularly bad the year he passed.

i remember that back then i had just started high school. between all the shit he was pulling (i wont list them but it is pretty bad) and puberty i got very hateful and even got into drugs and hanging out with the wrong people. i really hated him back then, because i felt like he was all that was wrong with the family (very untrue).

now that ive matured and healed a little, i wanna visit him. all along, i never really hated him. i love him and i hope he knew that when he passed.

also im sober too, my drugs phase thankfully didnt last long

when he was sober, my dad was a chill guy. although i didnt get to see him sober a lot, it pissed me off how good his potential as a father was.

after a while, i grew to understand the dynamics of my family that led him down this path. he did bear a part of the blame, but ive come to understand that the alcohol was just his way of coping.

when drunk, my dad once said that when he dies, he hopes i will visit his grave because he wants to bear my 'beautiful voice'.

the reason why i have gone yet is because i didnt feel ready to fully accept the fact that hes really gone and isnt coming back. i have so many regrets that i cant even list them all

i really wanna go, but i dont know what i would say.

i love you dad, if you can see me. i miss you more than i thought was possible

2021. Everyone's locked up inside. Online classes and texts the only way i could spend any sort of time with my friends. So our social studies teacher decided to give us some homework. A group project. yuck.

I got assigned to a group of ppl i hadn't ever spoken to. Except for this one guy. He was this kid who'd joined our school in 5th grade and we'd spoken a couple of times. So we were talking about the project and soon drifted off to other things. We started texting each other every other day and things were fine. Then our school decided it was time to get kids back in their classrooms.

So after nearly half a year of texting i finally got to talk to him in person. Every now and then I'd look over to see what he was doing and well um. Turns out he was already looking at me. He tried to cover up for the fact that he was staring (and failed miserably) and somehow, it gave me butterflies .

That went on for a few weeks and he asked me if I liked anyone. And me being the idiot i am decided i was too scared to tell him bc i was so sure he didnt like me back and told him i liked his best friend (kmn). But thankfully he wasn't that stupid <3.

So just like that, we started dating. Just to give you a picture, he was tall, really cute, played basket ball and loved math (such a nerd). Our love language was basically staring at each other from across the classroom, and drawing infinities on our wrists (those meant more to me than hearts).

Our school was very conservative so holding hands under the desk was the craziest thing we could do. We never got to hug let alone kiss but holding his hand made me feel like i was flying. With most Indian parents, the only high school romance you could have was with your text books so we had to keep it a secret from them too.

Fast forward to valentine's day. Typical day except before leaving he told me to check my bag. I got home to find a pack of Hershey's kisses.

We used to lend each other books to read and slip letters between the pages. It was really cute :'>.

We were happy. I was thoroughly in love with this guy. It felt too good to be true.

And suddenly something broke. He became cold and distant. We didn't speak as much as we used to. I was worried sick and i didn't know how to help. When we finally sat down to have a talk he said it was family stuff that he couldn't talk to me about just yet, and i felt really guilty for not being understanding about his silence. But it had hurt a lot...

Few weeks later. It's sports day at school. He's talking to who i thought was my best friend ( more on that another time). He said he needed to talk so we went to a corner and he was nearly in tears. He started apologizing frantically. I assumed he was apologizing for not talking to me for so long...but it was something much worse.

He said he needed to breakup with me. NEEDED to.

In that moment, everything inside me went numb. I tried to say something but i choked on my own words. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry but there were too many people around. So i walked away.

I swore i wouldn't let myself cry there because i knew if i started i wouldn't stop. So i smiled and smiled and smiled. But I couldn't just leave like that now, could I?

It took everything in me to go back to him on the stairs. He asked me sit. So i asked him why he needed to break up with me and he said he wasn't able to focus on his studies. I was so naive I took his word for it. Only to find out 3 whole years later that the real reason was that it was too much for him. I'd been overwhelming this guy and hadn't even realized. I still don't know what I'd done to make him feel so pressurized....

Even after the break up I did the stupidest things. I hit a rebound with his friend and lied about it. He found out and of course he couldn't forgive me, I carried that guilt around for a year and a half only to realize that it didn't matter anymore. He was happy now. What more could i ask for? (sorry for making it so cheese but it is what it is...<3)