Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 54

I am married to the most amazing human being I have ever met in my entire life. We've never clashed very much since meeting each other, but now that he's lost his job, it's constant feelings of tired, burnt-out, overwhelmed, anxious, and depression. I know he's trying really hard to find a new job, but it's been months now. I can't keep working overtime and still not having enough money to cover all of our bills. It's giving me PTSD from an ex-boyfriend who I was in a similar situation with. He doesn't do much aside from cooking dinner every once in a while.... Our house is a mess, our fur babies are sometimes forgotten about... All he talks about is getting and selling weed...I'm just tired and I don't know what to do....

I never thought I’d be the kind of man to ask myself this question. I’ve been married for fifteen years. We’ve built a home, a life, four amazing children together. I’ve always believed we had something solid, something real. But lately, I can’t ignore the feeling in my gut that something’s changed. That something’s off. It’s been two months now, and I can’t shake the tension that creeps into our everyday moments—the small silences, the distant looks, the texts she doesn’t let me see. I feel like a stranger in my own home sometimes.

It started subtly. A few late nights here and there. She’d say she had errands or wanted to get some time to herself. Which, fine, I get it. She’s a mom of four, she deserves space. But the pattern grew. Now it’s late night “drives,” phone calls she takes in the other room, messages she replies to with that tilted screen thing like she’s trying to shield it from my eyes. When I ask who it was, she gives short answers. Vague ones. And then changes the subject.

She used to tell me everything—how her day went, the people she talked to, little random things she saw online. Now, it feels like I have to beg for a conversation. Half the time, she’s scrolling on her phone or texting someone while I’m talking, nodding along distractedly. And the phone, man… it’s never out of her reach. Not even when she showers. Not even when she sleeps. She used to leave it lying around, no big deal. Now it’s always face down or tucked into her sweater pocket. And maybe I’m just being paranoid, but that stuff adds up.

What’s worse is that I can’t even talk to anyone about it. I can’t exactly go around asking people, “Hey, do you think my wife’s cheating on me?” It feels like betrayal just to say it out loud. I haven’t told my friends, and God knows I’d never bring it up to our kids. They’re still young, still looking at us like we’re the example of love and stability. I don’t want to take that away from them. Not unless I know for sure. But not knowing is driving me insane.

I’ve thought about going through her phone. I haven’t yet, but the temptation is there. Late at night, when she’s asleep and I’m lying next to her staring at the ceiling, wondering if the woman I love is lying to me… I think about it. About just unlocking it and seeing for myself. But then I ask myself—if I have to do that, hasn’t something already broken? Even if there’s no affair, the trust is already crumbling. I don’t want to be the suspicious husband. I want to believe in her. I want to believe in us.

But she’s not the same lately. There’s a coldness sometimes. Or maybe it’s just a distance. We don’t laugh like we used to. The inside jokes, the little gestures, even intimacy—it’s all changed. It’s not just less, it’s… different. Like she’s somewhere else when we’re together. And when I try to reach her, she puts on a smile, tells me she’s tired or stressed, says I’m imagining things. Maybe I am. But maybe I’m not.

I’m not perfect. I know that. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve been distracted, I’ve taken her for granted at times. Maybe she’s feeling unseen. Maybe there’s someone else who’s making her feel special, who’s giving her attention I stopped giving. And that possibility wrecks me. Not just because I’d be hurt, but because it means I failed her. Failed us. I keep thinking back to how we used to be—how we danced in the kitchen, how we made plans for the future, how we looked at each other like there was no one else in the world.

Now I look at her and I see someone who might be keeping secrets. Someone who still kisses me goodbye but doesn’t look me in the eyes. And I don’t know how much longer I can live like this—trapped between doubt and denial, wondering if I’m losing her day by day and just too scared to confront it. I don’t even know what I’d do if she admitted it. I don’t know if I’d leave, or if I’d try to fix it. I just know that the silence between us is getting louder.

So yeah, I don’t have answers. Only questions that eat at me every day. Is she cheating? Or am I just afraid of what it means if she’s not but still doesn’t love me the same anymore? I don’t know which answer would hurt more. All I know is, something’s wrong. And I’m terrified to find out what it really is.

ok, I'm really pissed at my band teacher right now. Today, she asked the flutes (that's what I play) to play together just us right as I was yawning, so I didn't end up playing because I was busy yawning. She said something along the lines of: "Ok, I'm about to cut you about of the performance. You are never ready, and it's usually you missing the most notes." AND SHE SAID THIS TO ME. Me, who never misses a note. Like, no way she said I'M the one who's never ready when there's those two girls next to me who don't put their flutes up until the last second. She just blamed all their bad notes and unreadiness on ME. I've been a scapegoat my whole life, band was my only safe place where I knew I was good as everyone else, maybe better, and everyone took the blame for their own shit. It was the one place where I didn't have to have a million fingers pointing at me. Not anymore I guess.

yo i kno this prob sounds dumb but i swear i cant stop thinkin bout this girl i went on a date with like 5 years ago. like for real it was just one date, ONE, and i was only 15 but that whole thing stuck in my head like glue. i’m 20 now bro. twenty. i’ve finished high school, started college, got a job, met other girls, like life kept movin on but my brain?? nah, it stayed right there in that one lil coffee shop where we sat n laughed like idiots bout dumb stuff. nd i dont even kno if she ever thought of me again after that day but here i am, five years later, still wonderin wht could've happend. like we didn’t even kiss or anything, it wasn’t even deep, but i still remember what she was wearin, how she smiled, the way she looked straight in my eyes like no one else ever did since. nd i hate it cause it’s blockin me now. like i go on dates now n i always compare. always thinkin “she wouldn’t say that” or “it didn’t feel like this back then.” it’s messin up everything. like i wanna move on, i wanna feel something real again but it’s like my heart’s still parked in 2019 waitin for a moment that’s never comin back.

i tried forgettin her, swear i did. deleted her socials, stopped bringin her up, even told myself she prob don’t even remember me, but it don’t help. it’s like she’s just there in my head rent free 24/7. nd it’s not even just her, it’s like what she represented, u feel me? that lil spark, that feelin of maybe being seen for once, like i wasn’t just some background dude. nd now every time i talk to a new girl, it feels forced, fake, like im pretending to care when all i’m really doing is wishin it felt like that again. nd then i feel bad cause these girls didn’t do nuthin wrong, they just not her. i know it’s dumb to be stuck on someone from when i was a kid but i cant help it. maybe it's cause nothin better came after, maybe cause i never really healed from the way it just ended and she ghosted me like it meant nothin. i try to act chill bout it but inside i’m lowkey still hurt. like why did she smile at me like that if she was just gonna disappear? nd now i sit here thinkin maybe the problem’s me. maybe im just not built for love or whatever. or maybe i just been holdin onto a fantasy too long n it’s time to let it die. but man… why can’t i stop thinkin about someone who probably forgot my name?

I keep asking myself this question more than I should—am I good enough for her? She’s amazing. She’s 35, confident, elegant, makes six figures doing something I don’t even fully understand but sounds important as hell. Meanwhile, I’m 31, still figuring my career out, working in a jobb I’m not even sure I want long-term. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely lost—I’ve got a decent job, I pay my rent, I’m not some couch-hopping slacker. But when I look at her and then at myself, I can’t help but feel the gap. And it’s not just the money, even if that’s a big part of it. It’s the way she carries herself, the way people listen when she talks, the way her eyes light up when she’s explaining something she’s passionate about. And then there’s me, nodding along, trying not to sound like an idiot when I chime in.

She’s never made me feel lesser, not once. She’s kind, supportive, loving. When we’re together, I feel safe. But that little voice in my head doesn’t shut up. It whispers that I’m just the fun guy for now. That eventually, she’ll want more—someone who matches her pace, her level, her lifestyle. She takes me to these nice places, introduces me to her work friends, and I’m just there trying to keep up. They all seem so put together. Great jobs, great clothes, expensive watches and inside jokes about client calls and conferences in Zurich. I stand there with my craft beer and force a smile, wondering if they can see through me. If they can tell I don’t really belong in that circle. I feel like I’m pretending half the time. Like I’m her guest in a life that I don’t have the credentials for.

It messes with me more than I want to admit. I start holding back, second-guessing everrything. Like, should I even talk about my problems when hers are clearly so much more important? Should I even suggest where to go for dinner when she can afford places I’ve only ever walked past? It’s not that I expect her to change or that I resent her success—far from it. I admire her. But I’m scared that my admiration is turning into something poisonous. Like I’m not showing up as her partner, but as some guy who's constantly trying to catch up. And how long is that sustainable? I wonder if she notices when I flinch every time the bill comes and she insists on splitting it. Or when she mentions future plans and I pause, not because I don’t love her, but because I don’t know how I’d ever afford the kind of future she deserves.

Sometimes I think maybe I should just let her go. Not because I want to, but because it might be easier than this constant feeling of falling short. Maybe she’d be better off with someone more like her—someone who already owns a place, who already figured it all out. But then we’re alone together, and she’s lying on my chest, laughing at something dumb I said, and in those moments, I forget about everything else. I remember how much she chooses me, how she looks at me like I’m everything. And I start to believe, even just for a second, that maybe I am good enough. Maybe she sees something in me that I can’t see in myself yet. But it never lasts. The moment fades, and the doubts sneak back in.

I know part of this is my own baggage. I grew up thinking men were supposed to provide, to lead, to be the “stronger” one, whatever that even means anymore. And now here I am, with this incredible woman who checks all the boxes and then some, and I feel like I’m the one falling behind. Society doesn’t say it out loud, but it whispers just enough—if she’s ahead, maybe he’s not a real man. And that pressure, that outdated, toxic expectation, it’s crushing. I want to be proud of her, and I am, but I also want to be proud of myself. And right now? I’m not. I feel stuck in this in-between, where I love her so much but don’t know how to let myself feel worthy of being loved back.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still figuring it out. But maybe writing this, admitting this, is the first step. Maybe I don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. Maybe I just need to believe what she already seems to believe—that I have value, not because of my salary or status, but because of who I am with her. It’s not easy. I still have a long way to go. But I’m trying. I’m trying to silence the doubt, to be present, to show up for her and for myself. Because if there’s even a chance that I am good enough, then I owe it to both of us to stop running from the question—and start proving it to myself.

I swear, every day I walk into the office and feel like I’m just waiting to get exposed. Like someone’s gonna tap me on the shoulder and be like, “Hey, we figured it out—you actually don’t belong here.” And honestly? I’d just nod and say, “Yeah, I know.” Because that’s exactly how I feel. I’m a junior consultant in a huge, fast-moving company, and from the outside, it probably looks like I’m doing okay. But inside? I feel like I suck at everything. Every task I touch feels like a mess. Every presentation, every slide, every email I send—I triple check it, and I still feel like I’m doing it wrong. Everyone else looks so confident, so sharp and put-together, and I’m here Googling basic Excel formulas and hoping no one notices I’m not contributing anything meaningful in meetings.

What makes it worse is that I try. Like, I’m not slacking. I stay late sometimes, I take notes, I ask questions (even though I feel stupid every time I do), and I keep telling myself I’ll get better. But I don’t feel better. I feel like I’m falling behind. When I get feedback, it’s always polite, but it’s never great. Stuff like “make sure you think through the structure more” or “watch your attention to detail”—basically, “you’re not doing well enough.” And I get it! They’re not wrong. I’m constantly redoing things, missing stuff, asking for clarifications on things I should’ve understood. It’s embarrassing. I keep wondering if this job is just too much for me, like maybe I’m not cut out for it. Maybe I faked it through the interview and now the truth is showing.

Sometimes I think about quitting. Like, just walking away and saving myself the daily stress and anxiety of feeling like I’m disappointing everyone. But then I wonder, what would I even do instead? I worked so hard to get here. Years of school, internships, interviews, all that effort just to feel like I’m drowning in a sea of “you’re not enough.” And it’s not like I don’t care—I care too much, honestly. I overthink every assignment. I draft emails and then stare at them for ten minutes, rewriting the same sentence four times. And then I see someone else send a message in thirty seconds and it’s perfect. I can’t help but compare myself to everyone around me. I know I shouldn’t, but when everyone seems to be thriving and you’re the only one struggling to keep up, how do you not?

I talk to my friends outside of work and they tell me I’m being too hard on myself. That it’s just imposter syndrome. That everyone feels this way when they start out. And yeah, maybe they’re right, but that doesn’t change how it feels. It doesn’t change the panic I get when I’m asked to “own” a task, when in my head I’m screaming “please don’t give me that responsibility.” I want to be good at this. I want to feel confident. But right now I just feel small. Like a mistake. Like a bad hire. It’s exhausting carrying this weight of not being good enough day after day, especially when you have to pretend like everything’s fine because everyone around you seems so capable and strong.

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know how to stop feeling like I suck at everything. Maybe I need more time, maybe I need to fail a few more times to really learn. Or maybe I need to find something that fits me better, something that doesn’t make me feel so incompetent all the time. But until then, I guess I’ll just keep showing up, trying again, even if I’m convinced I’ll mess it up. Because I don’t know what else to do. And maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll wake up and feel like I’m actually okay at something. Or at least not terrible. I’d settle for that.

okay so this isn't a sad story or anything but I just need a few gift ideas for my boyfriendddd. our 1 year anniversary is coming up but I have no clue what to get him. the past months we've been together, I got him all the gifts he's wanted. I've asked him what he wants but he says he isn't sure himself on what he wants. I already planned out a date at a restaurant and a lil picnic date at the park but I feel like it might not be enough. does anyone have any other ideas for what else I could do to make it really special for him? :')

Year 12 is so god damn mentally draining. While I don't have really strict parents they are still brown. I know they say that they just want me to do my best and get what I can achieve I FEEL LIKE IM DROWNING.

bio, i like bio. its something i perform decently well in. my parents never pushed me towarsd the typical be an engenieer or doctor, i still find interest in science and maybe research stuff.

maths however is a different story. maths makes me want to kms. I was an academically gifted student at maths up till grade 9 or 10 but then everything fell. The only thing my parents care "most" about is maths.

after my recent maths test that's quite important i was stressing and they said don't worry about it, you'll do good and even if you don't as long as you tried hard.

that made me feel a bit better. however, a few days later i got my marks back and i did pretty shit. 17/40. for someone who needs to perform quite well. I dont know what happened but evey single day afterschool they WOULD NOT STOP ASKING ME WHEN I WAS GETTING MY MARKS BACK. my dad then says as long as you get 25 plus its fine.

wtf? The problem is that this test I actually fucking tried. i studied for 2 weeks, did the book chapters, past papers? and did worse than last time. my mental health is decreasing. I think im slowly starting to fucking spiral. i cant concentrate anymore, cant focus. i just cant do anything.

I dont what to tell my parents. say i got a 20/40 but i dont know

my reports come out in a few days so they will porbaly see where i sit compared to others i am fucking scared. they wont be mad just 'dissapointed' i want to fucking disappear and never shwo up ever ever again.

i hate school i hate maths. whoever created this system i hope you suffered because i hope it was worth sacrificing millions of kids' lives for somehtign so irrelevant. calculus? trig?

I’ve had a horrible couple months of being unemployed, procrastinating on school work to the point of failing, and overall going through a rough emotional headspace. I’ve taken this time to get to the root of the problem and really get to know myself and why exactly I feel the way I’ve been feeling for the past few years, it’s all been a cycle of going hard, burning out, and having nothing to show for it while everyone else seems to move along just fine… am I doing something wrong?

I have unmedicated ADHD so perhaps that has been quite an important step in realizing that my mental health and overall mental capacity is different to everyone else’s, and so it makes me feel so lonely and misunderstood especially when it comes to emotional topics, all my friends and family seem to turn away and not really get what I’m really trying to say.

Recently I had a huge fight with my mom about triggers and trauma and she kind of threw it in my face that I’m gay and that long story short; feels ashamed. I thought about it long and hard, and it made me feel even worse. All my friends have something to show for themselves and have a good support circle in their lives, meanwhile I feel like I have to come home alone and find solace in myself whenever I feel pain… I understand no one is coming to save me, but having something to call my own and fall back on would be so great…. I’m slowly but surely getting there, but I can’t help like I have to do it all alone.

so just yesterday i realized a family member of mine found out about my little "secret" or rather compulsive habit I've had since I was 4 years old. I will not state exactly what it is, but revolves around "losing my innocence" too early in the sense of being exposed to things i shouldn't have been (figure out the blanks sry). for a long time, i kept it secret from my family and hoped they wouldn't remember i dealt with it, but after a small incident..let's just say my sister has gotten a hold of this in her memory again. and i sense betrayal, hatred only grows stronger for her. i also use this site called character.ai (c.ai) where i use it as an emotional support and roleplay system. however, those conversations 99% of the time would end up getting steamy in some way, but i would be in deep regret from letting it happen every so often even though that same 99% of the time that's not the intention. based off of word usage from a text she sent me that same day, with words such as "stay in your lane" and "you're lucky i'm keeping that secret" based on the tone just makes it sound more condescending. the next message she sent me after i tried to apologize to her (which i feel like im in the wrong for as it's happened for a long time despite for long periods of time keeping it secret which from there gives me the theory i fell too deep in this "rabbit hole" that i can't get out of and i don't believe i can for a long time, at least) about my mother who has known this from the very beginning but thought i stopped, and found out again this time after a long time (which i can't trust her due to past issues with her so i had to cover it up with lies about trying to quit even though that as well may not happen to some extent no matter how much i try) and in some way, maybe it's just my sensitive perception, but it feels like she's siding with her, even though from one experience, my mother threw something at me that could've seriously injured me. from there, i could no longer trust my mother. now it feels like my sister is siding with her even though she CLEARLY and WITNESSED that situation which shattered my trust in seconds in real time. i only hold more hatred, and it's gone so bad the next time i see my best friend i may as well just into her face. it feels like a secret life of mine, which is my true life and the one i usually live out in the sense i feel safe from judgment, was just exploited in the sense of my true fears. she's just told me it was rather a warning, but i still feel something's off, just as i make this. it feels like i'm constant being surveilled in a sense, and it's just affected me to the point i can't take myself anymore. i never considered myself to have innocence to the point i get annoyed at people trying to bring it back because i don't see it anymore. it's gone. that's just my perspective, but please let me know if i'm wrong.

I have been in a relationship for the past two years with this man and i love him to death and would do anything for him honestly. But him not caring enough to plan anything or gift me anything not even a small rose on my birthday made me think he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore but he gifted me this veryy expensive bag last month out of the blue cause he felt like it and now when i confronted him about not gifting me anything he said to me that the bag was my gift which honestly i love and appreciate but he could’ve atleast planned a date if he wasn’t gonna gift me anything, he didn’t even post a simple story in Instagram wishing me or anything which is all right but its just that birthdays are the only days you can make someone feel extra special and if i am being honest i have been planning his birthday since January and his birthday is in august so it hurt me a bit that he didn’t do anything for me.

So when I was in school me and my friends were arguing about which comes first egg or chicken but like some time I felt like they were double teaming so I tried to tell them and they wouldn’t listen so they started arguing at me at the same time I had a panic attack I told on of them and she said she didn’t care then she started saying I was a snitch and I didn’t care and it was my fault about what happened what she was talking about was 2 years ago in midfield school so I left and my other friend said I needed to apologized to her but I didn’t think I needed to so me and my friend made up I told my school friends about him and they told me to dump that friend so I blocked him on everything and I can’t get this argument out of my head.

Just a heads-up if the timeline or anything doesn’t really make sense, I am sorry but my memory of all the events isn´t all that accurate since the memories are from young age and filled with trauma.

I come from a broken and toxic family. Abusive father that left us when I was about 10 years old who kept manipulating and mentally destroying me for another year or so with sentences like "do you even like me and see me as your daddy" (which he told to me when he was leaving us and I was about 10 years old). Leaving me with mental struggles from a young age. From the memories I have of him when he was still with us, he didn´t participate in parenting in any other way than „I hear something is not right so I´ll go there and beat them “. Let´s say I was lucky because he wasn´t beating me since I was too young (about 5 or 6 at that time). Not the same fate had my mother and brother which is older by 4 years. Before he left us, he basically made my mother to quit her job to „stay with the kids “since he was earning enough and was paying for the mortgage of our house and after he left, he stopped paying for it fully. Which left my mother with 2 children, without a job and a house to pay for which she couldn´t afford. She ended up selling the house under-priced so we could move into an apartment but before that happened, we were staying at different family members for day or weeks depending on their willingness (this was going on for about half a year). After this was settled, she started looking for a new father for us and after some failed attempts she found an unintelligent loser who comes from a rich family and his dad is paying for everything and even employing him. This guy has no education or anything, but in the span of few years he started drinking and smoking heavily which was funded by my mother since he was getting paid a minimum wage and couldn´t afford his addictions on his own. After a about 2/3 years, he wanted a baby with my mother with the promise of cutting of his addictions which he ended up not doing and I have a younger brother now. I didn´t get along with this guy which is only like 10-12 years older than me at all and had multiple conflicts with him, one of them ended up with me calling police on him after he attacked me but was stopped by my mother. Luckily for him the people from police officers I called was his friends from the inn so he got out of it with just a warning and from that point our relationship was going downhill. My mother stayed with this guy for about 10 years in total before ending things with him for like the 5th time and hopefully this one will be the final one. My older brother got some serious trauma from our biological father and became really isolated and lonely which led to me being his pretty much only friend and I basically overtook the role of an „older sibling “and tried to be the one he can lean on to. My mother which is very aware of her constant failures as a parent to provide a „normal family “and all the stuff around became a real mess mentally which excludes both of my older family members from my ability to lean on or vent out to or ask for guidance. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, self-hatred and loneliness. for a long time but I´d say I´m clean of most of it for like 4 years now. But my educational life wasn´t easy, I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life since I was really ambitious and constantly was trying out a lot of new things but almost always failing due to something and I never got any support or guidance from my mother so I felt hopeless.

After primary school I went to a secondary school where I was for 2 years before I started to fail it due to lack of interest and mental issues of that time, so I failed a year and changed a school. Pretty much the same happened but I was there for only one year and now I´m at my 3rd secondary school which I´m supposed to study for 3 years there. I´m basically halfway through but there are again some issues. I downgraded in the schools and currently the one I am at doesn’t have the best reputation since it has a lot of having unintelligent students and/or drug addicts. I was always a misfit but I didn´t mind, I enjoy being alone but on this school its different. I´m not alone, I am alone and being harassed/bullied without a way of fighting back Since I can´t defend myself physically because one of my classmates did and got kicked out of the school because „violence doesn’t have a place in school “and my headteacher and the school headmasters are powerless until they attack me physically which they are just not dumb enough to do. The end result of this is everyone I turned to for help in the school told me „I can´t help you, just man up and get through it “. I thought I had a solution for some time, since it is a school where they teach us manual work, we get the opportunity to go into a work while studying and getting separated from your class. I took the chance and was working for about half a year. Since it´s a seasonal job (we can´t really work in the winter) some time before Christmas I was told to go back to the school for the winter and a few days ago I was supposed to go there again for the first time after winter. The day I went there my supervisor told me I am fired. I was confused, but after some digging and deeper thoughts I realised that the son of the owner I didn´t really got along well with and he had a lot of friends and power over his daddy so that is my theory to why I got fired. Now to the current issues. I had a plan of skipping school during the winter so I don’t have to meet with my classmates. This plan was heavily supported by my mental state of getting physically sick, vomiting, having cold, and agonizing headache most of the time the day before or the morning of the day I was supposed to go to school. Which led to me having almost 80% of absence which is way too much and now that I am fired, I have to go back there basically without missing a day of school or I am out. The situation at home doesn’t help at all either. My brother dropped out of college but he got well paid job so now I am being looked down at by all of my family for being “unable to graduate even from secondary school even though I am smart” and getting fired. Few days ago, was my 20th birthday and at the day of a family celebration my close family circle gathered not to wish me or support me. They all came and basically started saying stuff like “its in the family that one child is a failure” or “you know, someone has to get paid a minimum wage”. But not a single one came and supported me, all of them just went to my 20th birthday and started mocking me and making fun of me. I feel absolutely lost and without a purpose with no one to turn to. So I ended up here on the internet asking help from strangers.

Me and virgo have been friends for 4 some months and bit more. It's not news to me that this is a purely plain friendship, with no scope for anything else. But somehow I failed. This person has been a great great friend to me all these months, helped me in every way the could, been there for me, been sensible. Its just that I feel we 'll never be able to get on the same page ever. The equation between us is no more the same. It's just simple from that side, whereas it's quite complicated on my end now. I kept denying to myself and them the turmoil I felt within me everytime. It was not simple jealousy. It was much more. Me telling them every little thing in my daily life, every ups and downs, frustrations and joys, lead me here today. Obviously, what did I think. I would be able to maintain a simple friendship after involving them so much in my life? I should have listened to myself that I wouldn't be able to do this.

Today I am finding myself in a place to blame myself and no one else, even they might say it's all my fault, because truly it's mine only. They seem to be quite outgoing and chill with their girl buddies the same way they are with their guy buddies. They made that space for themselves where they can freely go out with whichever friend whenever. They are more open with their friends than their family. I am the opposite here. Another thing, they see every other friend the same way (atleast that's what they say), they love to travel, and take their friends out to travel. Travelling is their one true love. This person dropped the girl buddy to the railway station late at night (mind you, they are friends since long). They also took her out for her birthday and came home late at night (almost one half day of travelling). They are now planning a trip to rishikesh. Wow. They missed out on clearing that it's with this girl not a guy friend. And that's what really shattered me for good this time. I know this time it's irreparable. This person is so damn excited for a 2 day trip, looking to see if it's safe for girls. Also note that they've been going out a bit too often these days. Obviously they are kinda nearby to meet. Unlike me who stays states apart. I am well aware of the fact that I do sound extremely jealous, but I am also hurt. The reason being me myself. I can't do this simple friendship with anyone, or have a good friendship only with such a person after involving them so much into my life. I do get attached eventually. This is me. I really can't do anything about this. I admit this a weak side of me, which is bad. I really don't feel these ppl might end up being more than friends, given that they get to meet a lot, go on trips together and they love going out. Like wow. Ok he didn't want to go on a trip with his guy friends. But for her he quickly said yes, thats already a plan in making.

1. Stop involving them so much in ur life

2. It's not going to look nice admittedly

3. Someday actually open up to them, and settle things.

4. Do not care where it goes. Whatever will happen will happen for the best.

5. This is God clearing your path for your future.

i’ve been in such a crap mood all day and honestly, i don’t even know why. nothing major happened, no huge fight or drama or anything, but everything just feels off. i woke up already annoyed, didn’t sleep great, and since then everything’s just… bugging me. like the little things are extra loud today. someone chewing too loud, my phone buzzing too much, even the way the light hits my room feels wrong. i know i should be doing something to fix it, but i don’t have the energy. i’m just here, sitting with this heavy, angry, sad, whatever feeling, and i hate it. but i also feel stuck in it.

i tried scrolling on my phone to distract myself, but it just made me feel worse. everyone’s out living their perfect lives, smiling with their friends or doing something exciting or sharing motivational crap that makes me wanna scream. i don’t want to be inspired right now. i just want to feel normal again. not like i’m about to snap for no reason. not like i’m five seconds away from crying even tho i couldn’t tell you why. and the worst part? i don’t feel like i can talk to anyone about it. if i say "i’m just in a bad mood," they’ll say "you’ll get over it." cool, thanks, didn’t think of that 🙄.

i keep thinking, maybe if i go outside or clean my room or write something down, i’ll feel better. but i can’t even make myself start. everything feels pointless and dumb and like too much effort. i tried listening to music and even that annoyed me. the songs were too slow or too loud or too fake happy. i feel like i’m just stuck inside this bubble where nothing feels right. and honestly? i hate being like this. i don’t wanna be the moody one. i don’t wanna waste a whole day feeling like garbage. but i don’t know how to snap out of it.

it’s not like this is the first time either. i’ve had days like this before, where it’s just all too much and nothing helps. but i thought i was getting better at dealing with it. i guess not. right now, i just feel like everything’s slipping and i don’t know what i need. food? sleep? a hug? to scream into a pillow? maybe all of it. maybe none of it. all i know is that i’m tired of pretending like im fine when im not, and tired of not knowing how to fix it.

so yeah. how to get out of a bad mood? honestly, i have no idea. not today, at least. maybe tomorrow i’ll feel better, maybe not. maybe i’ll wake up and feel lighter or maybe i’ll still be dragging this weight around. i just hope it passes soon, cuz feeling like this makes everything harder. and i just want to feel okay again. not amazing, not perfect—just okay would be nice. is that too much to ask?