School Stories - page 2

I have toxic family environment so I can't study, they disturb my mental state so I am unable to focus on study and I am stressed if I don't study my future will be spoilt

I keep asking myself this question every day: how to stop worrying about the future? Because honestly, I don’t have a clue. Maybe I used to, back when life felt predictable, when you went to school, got a degree, found a job, and stuck with it until retirement. But now? Now everything is changing so fast, I feel like I can’t even keep up. And it’s not my future that keeps me up at night—it’s theirs. My kids. They’re still young, still in school, but I keep thinking, what will the world look like when it’s their turn to step into it? What will jobs even look like in 15 years? We tell them to study hard, to pick a career they love, but what if those careers don’t even exist by the time they get there? What if everything we’re teaching them now is useless in a world run by AI, automation, and technology that doesn’t even exist yet? It terrifies me. Because how am I supposed to guide them when I don’t even know what’s ahead?

I see it already—companies replacing workers with algorithms, AI writing code, making art, answering customer service calls. I read articles saying entire industries will disappear, that jobs we once thought were secure won’t exist anymore. And the worst part? Nobody seems to know what will replace them. I try to imagine what my kids will do when they’re grown. Will they need a degree, or will universities be irrelevant? Will they compete with machines for work? What if no matter how smart, how hardworking they are, it won’t be enough because the rules of the game will have changed? I want to tell them that if they study, if they put in the effort, they’ll be okay. But I don’t know if that’s true. And that’s what scares me the most. I try to remind myself that every generation has faced uncertainty, that the future has always been unpredictable, that worrying won’t change anything. But the truth is, I feel powerless. I can’t stop the world from changing, and I can’t guarantee that they’ll be ready for it. All I can do is teach them how to adapt, how to think critically, how to keep learning even after school ends. Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe instead of worrying about what jobs will exist, I should focus on raising kids who can handle whatever comes. Because in the end, the future isn’t something I can control—it’s something they’ll have to navigate on their own. And maybe, just maybe, that will be enough.

I don’t even know why I do it. Like, every time someone actually tries to be my friend, I just… ruin it. It’s not like I want to be alone, but for some reason, I always end up pushing people away. At first, things are fine, we talk, we laugh, they seem cool, and then my brain starts freaking out. What if they don’t actually like me? What if I say something stupid? What if I annoy them and they just pretend to be nice? And then, instead of just going with it like a normal person, I start acting distant, stop replying to texts, avoid them in class, and before I know it, they move on. And I pretend like I don’t care, but deep down, it sucks. It’s like I’m stuck in this loop where I want friends but also push them away the second they get too close.

It’s not even like people are mean to me or anything. I see them hanging out in groups, making plans, posting about it online, and I wonder what that even feels like. To just be able to connect with people without overthinking every little thing. When someone sits next to me in class and actually starts a conversation, I panic. My brain starts screaming say something normal!! don’t be weird!! and then I either go completely silent or just say something so awkward that the conversation dies right there. And then I feel even worse. It’s like, I could be making friends, I should be, but something in me won’t let it happen. Like I don’t deserve it or something.

And then when I actually do let someone in, I mess it up in a different way. I start testing them without even realizing it. Ignoring texts to see if they’ll double text. Cancelling plans just to see if they really wanna hang out. Being all moody and distant to see if they’ll put in the effort to ask what’s wrong. And if they don’t? Then I tell myself see? they don’t actually care. But like, why would they? Why would anyone wanna keep trying with someone who keeps shutting them out? It’s not fair to them. And it’s definitely not fair to me, because in the end, I’m the one who ends up alone.

I keep thinking maybe it’s just safer this way. Like, if I don’t let people in, they can’t hurt me. I don’t have to deal with the drama, the fights, the feeling of someone just getting bored of me and leaving. But then I look around and see everyone else with their inside jokes, their sleepovers, their dumb little traditions, and I realize I’m missing out. Even when I’m in a crowded room, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. And I hate that feeling. I hate watching from the sidelines, pretending like I don’t care when I really do. But at the same time, I don’t know how to stop being like this.

So yeah, why do I push people away? I wish I knew the answer. Maybe I’m scared of rejection, maybe I just don’t trust people, maybe I’ve just been alone for so long that I don’t even know how to let someone in anymore. But whatever the reason, I’m tired of it. I don’t wanna wake up one day and realize I spent my whole life shutting people out just because I was scared of getting hurt. I wanna be better. I just don’t know where to start.

So I do edibles sometimes and recently got in contact with a new dealer.

He sees me and thinks I’m cute, thanks, nothing I haven’t heard before.

He’s 22 while I’m 17 which is effing gross. I’m not a stupid teen he thinks he can groom, I don’t like him, I just want some edibles to relax and distress from school.

But he’s here in my chat talking about, im sweet, im nice, im simple.

I don’t care if you are. I’m not getting in a relationship with you.

I just want some weed man, I wanna cry, this is so gross.

I’d just block him but because I know he likes me I just know I’m gonna get dirt cheap weed.

I just can’t stand it, don’t you have morals? I’m still in school.

Idk why but I just feel like I never good enough. Like I look around and everybody else seem so much more confident, like they just know who they are, what they want, how to talk to people. And then there’s me, always second guessing everything, thinking did I say something dumb? do they even like me? am I just annoying? It’s so exausting to always feel like I gotta prove myself or act a certain way just to be accepted. Like even in class, I wanna ask a question but then my brain goes what if it’s stupid? what if they all think I’m dumb? and then I just sit there in silence, pretending like I understand when I don’t. And it’s not just in class, it’s everywhere. I walk into a room and feel like everybody’s looking at me, judging me, even if I know deep down they prob don’t even care.

I try to tell myself to stop, to just be normal and not overthink everything but it’s so hard. I look in the mirror and all I see are the things I don’t like. My hair is never right, my face looks weird, my clothes never feel like they actually fit me right. And I see all these girls who just look so effortless, like they woke up looking perfect and they don’t even try. Even when I do my makeup or wear something nice, I still feel like I’m just pretending, like it’s obvious to everyone that I don’t belong. And don’t even get me started on social media, cuz that just make it worse. I scroll and see all these people with perfect lives, perfect bodies, perfect friends, and it just makes me feel even more like I’m failing at being a normal human.

I wish I knew how to stop being insecure. Like how do people just wake up and like themselves?? I’ve read all the advice—be positive, practice self love, stop comparing yourself to others—but it don’t actually help. I tell myself "you’re fine, you’re not ugly, you’re smart, you’re worth something" but my brain just goes lol sure keep telling yourself that. I feel like no matter what I do, there’s always gonna be someone better, someone who’s funnier, prettier, more interesting, and people are always gonna like them more than me. And the worst part is I don’t even know why I care so much. It’s not like I even wanna be the center of attention, I just don’t wanna feel like I’m always less than everybody else.

So yeah, if anybody out there actually figured out how to stop being insecure, let me know. Cuz I’m tired of feeling like this, tired of hiding behind my phone at parties, tired of thinking every little thing I say or do is wrong. I just wanna be able to exist without feeling like I need to be better all the time. But idk, maybe some people just born with confidence and some of us just gotta fake it forever.

being a teen is honestly exhausting. not only do you have to live up to your parents expectations but also maintain a good social life in school. at some point being a teen and A GIRL is just the hardest thing ever, you post anything on instagram you get slut shamed although its not inappropriate at all, you enjoy your life and have few flings or situationships or dated few people you are called a whore, when you reject someone you get called "lose" (referring to the hole) and so much more than i cant even think of cuz this generation is so messed up. everyones point of view has changed and all their eyes roam where it shouldnt be, more than making love with someone you love, ppl watch porn and masturbate. peoples way of thinking and everything has changed so much in a bad way that being a girl and trying to survive is the hardest thing you can do.

its not 2 or 4 people or maybe its the whole school, you do one thing that might not even be problematic and people add up things and make it sound way worse and you are the new "whore" or "slut" or just someone everyone hates. i had a bf who cheated on me a couple of times and when we broke up since people who knew what he did blamed at him, he played the victim card and posted shit like i cheated on him many times and stuff, ever since peoples pov of me has changed so much. its not only inside the school but even people outside that i dont even know, people just judge you with what they know and befriend with the real bad people out there. not to sound lame or anything but at some point everything i did was problematic to everyone. people posted memes and stories making jokes bout me, some were fine but some were really inappropriate.

it affected me so much that i just wanted to be a completely different person, and i did change a lot (in a good way) but there are still people who keep complaining bout me being happy, i dont care anymore although its annoying how it keeps coming back. now im stuck with being seen by everyone. i lost a LOT of close friends and people since that incident and had no one rly beside, it was the hardest time of my life going through all that alone but im happy i overcame came. but its so lonely to have no true friend and whats more worse is i feel jealous that my current boyfriend is more associated with a lot of people, i am quite obsessive and overprotective cuz i keep losing people i love and shit. but when he has everything i want and things i wish he didnt i cant help it but to hate myself. i am insecure and lack self confidence, so its just become exhausting to be cared bout and seen by everyone and yeah "fomo".

what ive become today is being defined only by others pov or what they have heard and never of what i really am. its so tiring to accept it or keep ignoring it sometimes, its really my vulnerable point so hate sharing it to someone i know and when i try they think all i want is "attention" and here i am sitting in my room wondering what im doing in my life cuz its exhausting to try and exhausting to not be seen.

I've been trying. I've been really trying to be better. But nothing i've tried really works. Whenever i looks like i took a step foward i take two back. I don't know what to do. Lately things have been only getting worse. And i think my anxiety Is getting worse too. And i'm so tired. I'm so tired of feeling anxious. I'm so tired of trying. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of feeling so horrible. I feel like i'm ruining everything. All over again. And i feel like i'm dragging my loved ones down with me. They don't deserve that. I'm sorry. I don't want to be like this. But i don't know how to fix It. The more i think about, the more i think that maybe i'm a bad person, and that maybe i can't fix anything afterall.

Man, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I swear, I try so hard, I put in the hours, I do the work, but somehow it’s never enough. I thought I was smart, or at least average, but ever since I started my engineering studies, it’s like I’m constantly the dumbest guy in the room. I sit in class, listen to the professor explain something, and literally nothing clicks. Then I look around and see everyone nodding like they get it, asking these super technical questions that I don’t even understand enough to know what they’re talking about. I go home, rewatch the lectures, read the textbook, even look up YouTube videos that break it down in a way a 5-year-old could understand. Still nothing. It’s like my brain just refuses to process anything beyond basic math and physics. And don’t even get me started on exams. I walk in hoping for at least a decent grade, and every time, it’s like my mind goes blank. Half the questions look like they were written in another language, and even when I think I know the answer, I second guess myself so much that I end up changing it to the wrong one. I see other people finishing early, walking out looking all confident, and I’m still sitting there, staring at my paper like it’s gonna start answering itself. I try telling myself I just need to study harder, but I do study. Hours and hours, every single day. So if I’m putting in the effort and still failing, then... why am I stupid?

It’s not even like I’m lazy. I’ve seen people who barely study, who just skim through the materiall the night before and somehow pull off good grades. Meanwhile, I’m grinding like my life depends on it, and I still barely scrape by. My friends try to be nice about it. They say stuff like, "Bro, engineering is just hard for everyone, you’ll get there," but then they turn around and ace every assignment while I’m still stuck on step one. I don’t wanna be the guy who holds the group project back, but I can feel it happening. The way they explain things to me, the way they “help” but end up just doing the work themselves because I’m taking too long. It’s humiliating. I used to think I was good at problem-solving, but now every problem just feels like a dead end. I see my classmates who are actually passionate about this stuff, who spend their free time building things, programming just for fun, and I can’t relate at all. I don’t enjoy this. It’s just constant stress, constant failure, and I don’t even know why I’m still here. If I’m struggling this much now, how the hell am I supposed to survive the next few years? And then after that, actually work as an engineer? No company’s gonna wanna hire the guy who barely made it through college.

I keep wonderingg if I should just quit. Maybe this isn’t for me. Maybe I’m just not smart enough to do this kind of work, and I should accept that before I waste even more time and money. But then what? It’s not like I have some other passion waiting for me. Engineering was supposed to be the plan, the safe choice, the thing that would guarantee a good job. If I walk away from this, then what do I even do? My parents would be disappointed, I’d have to start over with something new, and I have no clue what that would even be. I don’t wanna be a dropout. I don’t wanna be a failure. But I also don’t wanna keep feeling like this, like I’m just too dumb to be here. I keep hoping one day it’ll just “click,” that suddenly things will start making sense, but I’m starting to think that’s never gonna happen. Maybe some people are just not meant for this kind of stuff, and I’m one of them. And honestly, if that’s true, then I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next...

So here it goes...I am in college right now and we make friends in the first semester and hope to remain as friends throughout college life. But here is the twist, my friend told that I am not "fun" enough for as in comparison to a guy and her relative who was also a friend of mine felt the same and both of them completely stopped talking to me. I asked why did they do so and they cited this reason. Now I have no friends in college because I am such an introvert. I feel like a failure at this point. I felt so hurt but I can't just think about them. I have my whole life to be sorted...finish college, get a nice job and make my parents proud. I also give auditions to sing an I did not get selected for that either. I have just lost hope in my life now. I just wanted to vent this out and remove this negative feelings out of my body once and for all.

OKKK so like I would appreciate if I got into a good post-secondary school(I’m not looking like ivys, Harvard, Stanley etc) so like what are some stuff I can do now? Like the reason I’m even thinking of these is because like my parents say I have to do sports so I can get a scholarship to yk , and like I HATE SPORTS any sort of. But I lwk care about my future so what are some stuff I can do that can get me into a good PSS like I get I may not get a scholarship if I don’t do sports but atleast something that would look good on my application. Ok so personally I’m into any creative stuff (drawing etc) but i will be open to anything EXCEPT sports.

So I'm continuing a rant I made on here I accidentally posted unfinished (here it is, btw)

So basically, I'm in online class due to having this heart problem that's called VSD (ventricular septal defect), and it makes me lose my breath easily, and I get palpitations every time I run. So there's no hope of actually going to face-to-face schools due to walking long hallways and going up stairs. And there's barely anyone in my online class that I can be friends with. It makes me feel a little lonely, and I'm an introvert. But just because of the sole reason of wanting to be alone, I don't want to be lonely, y'know? And because my class starts from 8am to 4pm, I have to stay home for 8 hours, which makes me feel a little isolated inside my house. And when I go out, I can barely even have fun anymore since I always lose my breath so easily. I can't even swim in cold pools and beaches since I get cold so easily. At family gatherings, I can barely even hang out with my cousins since they go out every night. I can't, though. It's basically because I get cold so easily and I can quickly get sick and have a runny nose. I barely even have any friends to talk to; last time I went to school when my disability wasn't a challenge, I had tons of friends. But now, I've only had one friend from my old school that still keeps in touch with me. And she has regular class, so I can't really chat with her every day. Plus, I barely know anyone that shares the same interests as me. Sometimes during online classes, I use my phone during lessons. And technically, every now and then I use my phone to cope with the fact I barely have any friends to talk to and have fun with because I find it fun to use my phone since it's not reality; it's the opposite. It's getting out of reality.

Now getting to my main point, I feel so lonely. Like even an online class is isolation at this point. It's the reason I'm an introvert. At this point, I was made to be an introvert. I'm always alone; I barely talk to anyone anymore; I barely talk to my only friend because I have no enthusiasm to hold a conversation these days... I feel like something's wrong with me. I feel so bad for ignoring her. But I can't find any joy in continuing to talk to her. I don't know what to do. She's so kind too. She's my best friend. She doesn't even know my disability. I keep it a secret since I feel like she'll judge. But I know she won't. I just don't know why I continue to not tell her. I feel so bad. And I feel like my online class is the reason. I feel so isolated, I can barely have fun anymore. I can't even hang out with people my age in my neighborhood due to my disability. So I just stick to cellular devices. I hate online classes. I skip. And now I regret it. I've already been scolded for doing so. But I still keep doing it. It's causing my academics and grades to crumble. I do bad at school now, even before I skipped online classes. I always used to be a 90+ in my old school. Now I'm an 80-91 student. I hate everything about online classes. The school, my teachers, the isolation I feel, the loneliness, my grades—I feel so insecure. And the only reason I accepted going to this school and taking online classes was because I had no choice. My other school's tuition was something my parent's could barely afford. And the online class thing, it's because of my disease. I turn to God and worship him so I wouldn't get in trouble. I would pray I didn't. Plus, just now, I had a grade of 76, and my mom is asking the teacher's if I'm doing something wrong. I am; I'm still skipping. And I feel like I'll get in trouble today. Plus, I have exams next week. Am I just overdramatic because I'm young? I'm not even a teenager yet, nor older than 12. Am I just overreacting? I actually need help on this topic. I'm too scared to even vent to my mom since I keep every emotion bottled up. I want to cry every day. I feel so bad. I feel so guilty for skipping school now.

So basically, I'm in online class due to having this heart problem that's called VSD (ventricular septal defect), and it makes me lose my breath easily, and I get palpitations every time I run. So there's no hope of actually going to face-to-face schools due to walking long hallways and going up stairs. And there's barely anyone in my online class that I can be friends with. It makes me feel a little lonely, and I'm an introvert. But just because of the sole reason of wanting to be alone, I don't want to be lonely, y'know? And because my class starts from 8am to 4pm, I have to stay home for 8 hours, which makes me feel a little isolated inside my house. And when I go out, I can barely even have fun anymore since I always lose my breath so easily. I can't even swim in cold pools and beaches since I get cold so easily. At family gatherings, I can barely even hang out with my cousins since they go out every night. I can't, though. It's basically because I get cold so easily and I can quickly get sick and have a runny nose. I barely even have any friends to talk to; last time I went to school when my disability wasn't a challenge, I had tons of friends. But now, I've only had one friend from my old school that still keeps in touch with me. And she has regular class, so I can't really chat with her every day. Plus, I barely know anyone that shares the same interests as me. Sometimes during online classes, I use my phone during lessons. And technically, every now and then I use my phone to cope with the fact I barely have any friends to talk to and have fun with because I find it fun to use my phone since it's not reality; it's the opposite. It's getting out of reality.

How can i get more things and be more productive when i feel so tired and overwhelmed and nervous all the time? I feel so horrible and i want to hide away from everyone and everything.

Things are Just too much right now. And i never know what to do. Sometimes the only things i can manage Is either sleeping for almost the whole day or shutting my brain off looking at my phone or Just pacing around my house.

I'm so tired. I felt tired for so long now. It's so hard to find energy or motivation when i feel like doing Is Hide and sleep for the rest of the day. I am trying to be better but it Just doesn't work. Everything Just feels so tiring. It feels like everything Is falling apart at the seams all at once.

Honestly, there is more than just my school that i wanted to talk about, so ill put it in also right after school, first thing is that in school, im always told by my friends that most of our classmates or people in the school hate me, only cause they say im over dramatic, a main character, and more, i guess its cause im the only one who tells them to be quiet of fix the chairs when its required…

But its not like i dont know about this before my friends told me, i know people hate me, i always hear them whispering my name, mimicking my voice or even hearing my friends tell me they heard them say fat jokes about me, like that i only came to the certain event for the food..

I would tell a teacher, but i worry ill get hated even more… and its hard already considering most of the people there hate me, and i wont be able to tell my family either, cause last time i did they keep cutting me off and get mad when i snapped at them or tried stopping them from spreading their version of my story, where it would seem like im the one at fault…

But it might be true though, what if im the cause of such things?, what if even if i try doing it cause its good, ill only be seen as annoying?… what if im not soft hearted and in fact im just the over dramatic freak they say that cries or gets mad too easily?

What if when i tried venting to my friends, they were correct when they told me im the reason for such things and that im the cause of family drama, and that it is all in my head?…..

Its easier to tell these through a message than to speak them, after all, i have no one left to talk this to, and if i tried getting therapy, my family would call me crazy… what could i possibly do?….. and am i too young and just misunderstanding everything even though i have felt this way for years now?….

Like why tf couldn’t he just be taller 💔 wasted opportunity (not like anything actually gonna happen if he was tho 😭🙏)