School Stories - page 2

Do you ever have that weird feeling in your body when you are in a group of people/a busy room with people where you feel like you don't belong in that place/moment or where you just feel invisible like a waste of space or a disappointment? that basically sums up me right now or a lot of the time.

story: So last night I went to my sisters high school for her banquet "BAND banquet" (my sister is in band/matching band so its like her "awards day" but for highschool/middelschool bad) It was me, my sister and my parents. when we got there our parents brought food and went to set it up. my parents friends MR and MRS P needed help checking people in at 6:00 and give tickets. so our parents when to the front doors to help.

my mother told me and my sister to stay where we are and watch our "stuff" (jackets and umbrellas) and as soon as they left my sister got up and I asked "where are you going??" she said: "To go find my friends." me; "why? her: "because I can" me: "but mom told us to stay here" her; "She didn't say that." me; "whatever just go-" (we started to argue so I just said go) I was upset because she wasn't supposed to leave even though shes older and she left me to be more mature and watch the stuff because I know If I left to wonder my mom would yell at me and my sister so I knew someone had to stay and I didn't feel like arguing. so basically people came in and started sitting and hanging out, kids being with their friends and my sister with hers. I started to get lonely seeing people so happy and looking like they belonged unlike me...eventually it was time to eat food, people got called up to go by tables. I had to wait for my dad to get my food so I could eat. still by myself My dad eventually came and I got to eat. my dad went back to helping I was by myself eating my dads cooking talking to myself acting like my family was with me and my dad asking how the food/cupcake tasted. and when I was done I felt sad and so alone while my sister had fun with her friends and eventually my mom came and was mad at my sister Abit for being with her friends. my mom came and ask; "have you been sitting by yourself this whole time??" me; "yeah" her: "you didn't have too, you could have come down and hangout with me." me; "but you told us to stay with the stuff and I cant leave it'" she eventually went to get her food and she/my mom sat with me and asked how my food was trying to make me feel better. and that's that.

I feel like my sister always does this. leaves when she feels like it or "change her mind" when watching our dog and cause an argument or make things unfair (keep note shes the older sibling, I'm the younger one) I feel like I have to be the adult between us and do all the adult like stuff when shes almost 18 next year and i'll only be 15. Its like she takes advantage of me so she can do her thing. even though shes the one that wants to do things "fair" when all she does is leave me to "baby sit" by myself and makes me feel wasted or like not important in anyway when I've done so much to be noticed in school, for others and my own family.

I just don't know. maybe I'm to hard on myself or my sister.

thoughts? (no negative thoughts or comments please)

So I'm at school right now and this week is my last full week of not only 8th grade or middle school but also my last full week at the school I've been at my whole life (past information: I moved to my state I'm in when I was 6 and been here more than most my life) Note: My school is Elementary and middle school (kindergarten-4th, 5th-8th) It's weird that I'm about to be at the end of a chapter in my life. am I even ready for this? I'm also scared to go into high-school cuz I'm worried I have to start fresh and make new friends which I struggled with when I first moved here. I don't want to lose the friends I've gained. but I'm excited because the people in the area are really nice and I love the high school. its like..I'm finally starting my life. for real this time......win or lose.

It's currently 4.30 am. And i can't sleep because of guilt. Because i haven't done any of the things I was supposed to and i feel like i dissapointed myself and i'm afraid i'm dissapointing others too. I wanted this year to be different, to not get myself in the same mess, but i made and even worse mess in the end. I've been feeling so tired and burnt out for almost two years now and i've trying to get out of It since, i've tried routines, habits, apps, everything to be more productive and actually get back on track but It Just keeps failing. I feel tired, and end up procrastinating and then i get anxious, start pacing around or scrolling and hiding in bed, and then i can't sleep at night knowing i'm ruining everything. My grades are only getting worse and i feel like i'm failing. And i feel so stupid. Because It should be easy. It was easy before. But then i messed everything up. And now i can't fix. Now more and more things are coming up. People expect things from me, and i don't even know where to start. My Mom expects me to at least be decent in school but i can't even do that. There are lot of tests right now and their all going worse than the other. I was forced to make the PowerPoints in out study group even though i said no. Multiple times. And i got set up to do even heavier lifting in the journaling club of school, and now i'm supposed to set up whole thing. When my 'mentor', the one who's supposed to teach me, ghosted me and hasn't done anything to start or help at all. I know It's my fault but i Just feel so tired. It's all too much and i'm too stupid to handle It. I can't do this. I Just want to hide.

so I'm in band rn, and we're about to go to a theme park. when I said I didn't get a permission form from her, she started going off on me about how I couldn't keep track of anything, how I don't use my brain, etc. I hear this from my mom a lot, so it didn't faze me, until she said I was gonna end up a high school dropout and never succeed with how I'm going. the thing is I'm at my best mentally, so this really hurt. brought me down a few notches. I dunno, I may be stupid, but its just painful hearing that from a teacher that was so nice to me last night during our concert.

I've mentioned this guy in one of my stories before...classmate, me being introverted in general, him being annoying and full of himself, a social butterfly, large group of girlies happy to engage with him, me having some odd eye contact moments with him that make me question- what on earth is he thinking about?? what does that look mean? what are his eyes speaking and and why is he looking at me, I don't speak so like leave me alone? and look I know it might sound like I'm just going on for nothing cuz I feel high of myself now that someone is noticing me whatever whatever, but trust me that is not what I want. I just wanna be there-silently existing, do my work, spend time with friends and go home.

Idk how to explain, but the locking of the eyes is just ... weird? odd? awkward for me? uncomfortable? I've been told it's because I'm trying to figure out what he's thinking and that I'm thinking too deep or serious about this, he might not even be thinking anything etc etc.

the thing is, I hate that he has been randomly popping up in my head- not in the crush way, that's not me. honestly I'm scared to even say more in case his on this, which I doubt, but there's so many other people I could be thinking about, so many other people I could be getting annoyed with. this morning, I caught his smile while he was looking dead straight somewhere on my t-shirt, trying to figure out the words or whatever . generally one would stare back at that kind of person, but I felt uncomfortable and looked away, possibly looking soft? why must I feel anxious being around him, fearing being judged, and judged for what exactly. ugh it's killing me, and I need to get him out of my head, and not let his presence bother me. how?!???

It's 8 am right now and in a few hours i have a physics test i'm not prepared for and now i'm panicking. I've been trying to study for it for ages but there have been some many last minute problems and that I haven't made It. Yesterday my whole day got messed up and i had no time and so i tried to study during the night but i was so tired that I crashed and now i only have a few school hours before It. And i feel like an idiot because i know It's my fault, but i'm just so tired and there's just so much stuff to keep up with all at once i don't know what to do first. I'm so tired i don't want to this anymore, i don't want to do anything, i just want to sleep for the rest of my life.

I never had a full grip on what I want to do with my life, but its gotten even worse recently. My tablemates at lunch aren't going to the same school I am next year, and its hard to find anyone who 1. even supports queer people such as myself and 2. shares a common interest with me. my old tablemates hate my guts (maybe for disliking genshin due to it being problematic, but idk) and even after high school, I'm completely lost. the only thing I really am passionate about is freelance art and animation, and its hard to find a job that lets me do that on my own. plus my grades aren't getting any better, and I might not even graduate. I hate being stuck so fucking much. trump is NOT helping btw, I cant even transition when I turn 18 anymore, nor can I serve in the military like I wanted.

i dont even know what i did wrong to make people hate me this much, like fr i wake up every morning already feelin sick cause i know what’s waiting for me at school, it’s like a warzone where i never get to win, i walk in and people already lookin at me like i’m some kind of freak or like i don’t belong there, nd maybe i don’t idk, maybe i’m just weird or my face looks dumb or i wear the wrong shoes or whatever stupid reason they decide is enough to mess with me every day, they say stuff under their breath when i pass by, throw little pieces of paper at me in class, call me names like loser, creep, sometimes worse and the teachers don’t even do anything about it, they just say “ignore them” like that’s gonna make it stop, like i haven’t tried that a thousand times already, and the worst part is that it’s not just random kids, some of them i used to be friends with in middle school and now they act like i’m trash, like they’d rather die than be seen talkin to me, nd it hurts so bad cause i didn’t change, they did, or maybe i changed and i just didn’t realize it, i try not to cry but sometimes i do when i get home, and even then i hide it cause my parents don’t get it either, they just say stuff like “it builds character” or “they’re jealous” but jealous of what??? i got no friends, no style, no confidence, i eat lunch alone in the corner of the cafeteria hoping no one notices me cause the last time someone did they dumped ketchup on my backpack and laughed like it was the funniest thing ever, nd i had to pretend it didn’t matter even though it totally did, like everything they do chips away at me little by little and i’m tired of pretending it’s fine, cause it’s not, and the worst part is when i try to act normal or be nice people just laugh harder, like they can smell the desperation or somethin, and i just wanna scream why are people so mean to me, what did i ever do to deserve this, i try to keep my head down, i don’t start stuff, i just wanna survive school without feeling like garbage every day, but apparently that’s too much to ask, nd sometimes i think about just disappearing, like not dying or anything extreme just… not existing for a while, like vanishing until people forget i was ever there cause at least then i wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore, like maybe in another school or another life i’d be normal and ppl wouldn’t hate me for no reason, but right now i just feel broken, like everything i do is wrong and no one wants me around, and idk how long i can keep acting like i’m ok when i’m clearly not.

okay so this week (and some of last week) have been annoying as freak but it has been extra. there's these to boys in my 6th period, (we will call K and N) I have 3 classes with K and 1 with N, lately they have been a big pain and stressing me out. for some reason N has been calling me a boy/man or "He" and I'm a woman not trans or anything (NOT HATING, I support) N keeps doing it. I've told him to actually stop. at first I thought it was funny, no harm but then it slowly came annoying and of course K being a follower when it comes to his friends he started calling me a boy/man and he wont stop. its not even funny its just so freaking annoying. they have also been bothering me and my (more than friends, who we will call L) they are friends of L but he doesn't want to be friends with N and K anymore, L struggles with sleep and sleeps during class sometimes, I.D.C. but like in 6th period we were watching a flipping movie and they kept bothering me and L, using Bluetooth headphones to play annoying audio in L ear. I had to snatch them out of N hand and give them to our teacher and tell her not to give them back at all. even L is over this like me and L just want to chill and be happy but I cant get a break for once! I can decide if I should just keep silent and wait for it to stop or freaking do something about it because honestly its pissing me off that these people cant grow up and are acting like 5 yr old boys.

i been askin myself this like everyday lately, why don't i have friends? it’s not like i’m mean or rude or anything. i try to be nice to ppl, i smile when i walk past them, i even try to jump into conversations sometimes but it’s like nobody really notices me. everyone at school got their group, their ppl they laugh with, eat lunch with, hangout after classes and here i am, sittin by myself most days. sometimes i pretend like i’m busy on my phone or i’ll act like i’m studyin so it don’t look so sad but fr it hurts. i see kids i grew up with, ppl who used to come over my house when we were little, now act like i don’t even exist. and idk what changed. maybe it’s me. maybe i got boring or weird or somethin and nobody wanted to tell me.

i keep thinkin about what i’m doin wrong. maybe i dont dress cool enough, maybe i say dumb stuff without meanin to. or maybe i’m just not interesting. i dont have crazy stories to tell or a million tiktoks to share like other kids. i mostly just stay home, play video games, watch youtube. nd when i do try to talk, it’s like the convo just dies. like i don’t kno what to say to keep it goin. nd when i do get invited to stuff (which is like once in a blue moon) i get so nervous i end up makin an excuse not to go. like what if i go and it’s awkward? what if they laugh at me or just ignore me the whole time? it's easier to just stay home sometimes but then i’m just stuck wonderin why i’m alone again. it’s a stupid cycle and i hate it.

social media makes it worse too. everybody postin pics with their friends at parties, games, whatever. group selfies, funny videos, inside jokes i’m not part of. i try to not let it get to me but it does. it makes me feel like there’s somethin wrong with me. like im broken or somethin. nd the more lonely i feel, the harder it gets to even try anymore. some days i tell myself i dont need friends, like whatever i’m fine on my own. but then i'll hear ppl laughin in the hallway or see a group hangin out and it hits me all over again. humans are supposed to have people, right? nd i dont. not really. just me and my stupid thoughts tryna convince myself it’s not a big deal when deep down it is.

i dunno if it’ll always be like this. maybe when i get older i’ll meet ppl who get me. or maybe i gotta change somethin about myself first, i really don’t kno. all i kno is right now, it sucks. it’s like standing in the middle of a crowd screamin inside but nobody even looks your way. i wish makin friends was as easy as it looks in movies, like u just bump into someone and boom, besties for life. but in real life, it’s messy and hard and sometimes it don’t happen at all. nd im just tryin to hold on to hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s ppl out there who’d wanna know me too. i just gotta find em. someday. i hope.

any advices guys???

[IMPORTANT NOTE: I AM TRANSGENDER]

ok so basically, I'm going to high school next year. my 2 closest friends aren't coming with me, and they've really been the only ones defending me when someone was dead naming or misgendering me. and I'm just really scared that next year I wont be Bowie to anyone. I'll never be seen for who I am.

I’m not entirely sure what to put to be honest, I’ve tried multiple venting websites and there’s not much to say but here goes nothing.

last night at around half eight pm my cat, Bendy, passed away.

the whole night I stayed up crying to the point where I haven’t got enough sleep, I went to school today and I was so tired I didn’t even know what my own name was.

i haven’t got anyone in my life to speak to about this and I seriously don’t know what to do.

it’s even got to the point where I’ll burst out crying at anything cat related, literally before posting this I was crying looking at old pictures of him.

I don’t expect this to get much attention but meh.

so I'm a young animator in middle school currently trying to balance my new object show, school, and my various disabilities that make it difficult to even live properly. I love my show, it brings me joy, but I'm wondering if I'm fixating too much on it. my grades are fucked, im getting in trouble more, and the hiring process is certainly not helping.

sometimes i rlly wonder if its just me or if im actually that bad to be around. im 17, i go to school every day jus like everyone else, but nobody ever notices im there. its like im invisible or somethin. i try makin friends, ive tried a million times. i talk to ppl in class, i join groups for projects, but every time i try it jus ends up awkward n weird. feels like nobody actually wants me there, they just deal wit me til they dont hav to anymore. nobody invites me to parties or hangouts or even jus to chill after school. i see all their pics online laughin and hangin out n it hits me hard every time that nobody thought of me. i rlly dont kno wat im doin wrong? is it cuz im quiet, or maybe not funny enough, or do i look weird or somethin? i jus wish somebody wud tell me why they dont like me. teachers always say dumb stuff like "just put urself out there" but they rlly dont get it. i am tryin, nd all it ever does is remind me how much nobody rlly likes me. even lunch sucks cuz theres never anyone who wants me around. most days i just eat by myself in some quiet corner hopin nobody sees how pathetic i am. sometimes i wish i cud just be someone else, somebody cooler, somebody ppl actually like bein around.

my parents keep askin me why i dont bring any friends home or hang out after school. wat am i sposed to say to them? "hey mom n dad, nobody actually likes ur son"? i kno they love me, but theyll never understand. theyll jus say im bein dramatic or tell me things will get better. but wat if they dont? wat if im jus stuck feelin this lonely forever? honestly, im tired of it. sometimes i lay awake at night thinkin bout wat its like to hav real friends—ppl who text u jus cuz they wanna talk, or ppl who actually care if ur ok. ive never rlly had that. its always jus been me. nd i try not to care but it hurts a lot, like rlly hurts. makes me wonder wat the point of even tryin is, if all it ever does is remind me how alone i am. sometimes i think bout jus givin up n acceptin that im probly meant to be alone, but deep down i guess i still hope maybe someday somebody might actually like me for who i am. even tho rite now that seems pretty impossible.

I’m so fucking done with ppl who don’t know my tell me to die die die all the fucking time I accidentally posted a vid of a few marks and now getting judgement for it I don’t know if there right maybe I should just die but I don’t want to go to this stage again of feeling low and self harm and being suicidal I literally js got a text from her now saying to kill myself like what am I ment to say to that ohh Yh sure like what the fuck I’m so stuck and I have school starting on Tuesday and I’m literally so scared to go back idk what there gonna do and my anxiety is so crazy I’m having panic attack and anxiety attacks all the time now