Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 135

My thoughts are all over the place and disorganized, so there's no way any of this is gonna be orderly and well thought out, I'm just going to throw my mind at the keyboard and send what comes out.

I'm terribly depressed, I always have been, there's been times where I'm at my lowest and I end up in a hospital, then there'll be times when things get better and I start to feel happy, but as life goes on I start to care about the good parts less and less and the bad parts become more and more unbearable.

I'm in one of those low parts now, and I just don't think I care enough to dig myself out again. The best part is that it's literally all my fault! I used to blame everything around me for all my sorrow and suffering, but I'm starting to realize that I'm the source of... All my own problems! My mother was a psychotic and abusive piece of dirt, and the rest of my family wasn't much better, I used to blame that for my depression. Money has always been a big issue, and I used to blame that. Every single friend I ever make ends up hating me and hurting me, before never talking to me again, I used to think that somehow, that wasn't my fault!

I have no friends now, I'm 21 and I've never had a girlfriend, I actually met a girl I really liked not too long ago and pretty much immediately, I found myself straight up telling her to block me because I'm a friggin psycho! So of course she did the smart thing and, ya know, did. I have coworkers and random people I know a little bit telling me I'm a great person, I'm cute, I'm funny, I'm great to be around, but I can tell that every time I do anything I mess it up. Any time I meet anyone, I make it worse. It's becoming so hard to care. I know I'm the problem, and there are so many things I could do to turn my life around, I have so many options! I really don't even have that bad of a life, it wouldn't be that difficult to turn everything around if I really tried, but I just can't find the energy to try! I know if I died, it would hurt some people, I have a brother, I have nieces and nephews, they would be sad, but I find that I can't even make myself care about their feelings any more either!

I could've been way more specific and detailed with some things, but that's the general idea, I push everybody away, I hate myself more than I hate anything else and refuse to let people close, I know for a fact I deserve to die, but every time I attempt to, I give up at the last second like the coward I am. If anyone reads this, they're probably going to give me advice, and tell me how I can try to make things better, but I don't even know why I'm making this at this point, because I know I'll disregard any actual friggin advice that I get!

So I'm just going to suffer, and I'm gonna keep putting on a happy little mask for everyone else, and I'm going to keep feeling alone and closed off, and I'm gonna keep up the pathetic victim mentality, and I'm gonna keep letting my life fall apart more and more, until there's nothing left of me! Because that's the only way I know how to live! Nobody can help, no therapy can help, no drugs can help, no amount of money and security can help, I'm the only one that can make me happy and I refuse to do so, because screw me I guess! I'm not allowed to be happy! Have a good day!

I truly wish I never told you who I was. And who I wanted to be. I never expected the absence of words I hated so dearly to effect me in such a way. I wish I never told you I was nonbinary. And that the names made me feel gross sometimes. I wish I was still propped up on your chest while you whispered our nicknames into my ear. I miss being your pretty girl. I miss being your wife. I miss feeling like I mattered to you. I miss you showing off your girlfriend to everyone you know because I was the prettiest thing you've ever seen. But now your to scared to call me pretty. To nervous to tell me I look beautiful. All of our compliments and sweet names are filled with anxiety and it hurts me to hear the pain in your voice. I hope you know I love you. And I hope you know.. that if I could take it all back and just stay quiet about who I was. I would. In a heartbeat.

In what world is a college basketball coach worth 1.2 million dollars for an annual salary? How can a coach make more money annually than the University President? For that matter, how can a university president be worth an annual salary of over $500,000?! Hey good for them! If the university is willing to pay that kind of money then who are they to say no. I just think it is out of line for people who work in an office, Mondays thru Fridays with weekends, nights and holidays off to make more that $250,000 per year. Just saying.....

Okay, I feel so bad but I have two friends at school. I’m the weird shy person so not many people talk to me. My two friends at school are very loud and unintentionally rude and don’t understand most things. They are sisters as well.

When I first met them I was glad people were talking to me but no one else at the school really likes them so now the other people at school avoid me. My friends changed after a while though. Now they basically use me as their therapist because other people don’t listen to them. They tell me all of their problems constantly but their problems are just about how they are sooo tired because they stayed up late eating candy or drawing. Or how they hate having older siblings because they smell bad or something. I have some big family issues right now and I feel like I’m going to suffocate whenever they start complaining. They also force me to hang out with them during p.e. When I would rather do something.

They also talk very loud and at the same time. I get really overwhelmed and I hate when they joke about depression and self harm when I feel depressed and do self harm ( I haven’t told them that though because they never let me talk and I DO NOT open up to people)

I really don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t feel like we are friends and they are just desperate for friendship because all of their other friends left them.

So, yeah. I am too stressed out to do anything about it but I wanted to get this out of my chest.

Guys, Im in my early twenties, I recently became histamine intolerant, and none of my family members are empathetic. I developed this chronic condition due to 3+ months of stress and insomnia that led to gut inflammation. I currently couldnt eat anything spicy or delicious and lost weight. Feeling sick and tired physically and mentally. Due to these histamine sensitivities, I couldn't sleep well due to persistant itching for a few whole nights. Then I tried explaining the condition, why I'm researching intensely about histamine intolerance, and the reason for avoiding certain foods. But everyone at home calls me stupid and dumb for not eating everything and that I'm an idiot to research food sensitivities. I even infinitely explained to them about how the symptoms abate whilst I'm on an elimination diet, but still they laugh and mock at me for caring for myself. I m very assured that even a child would understand my situation. They were even laughing at me at the clinic while I was conversing with the doctor. I recently requested them for stress reduction supplements to sleep well, but they hope that I can be cured without anything, but I no longer have the strength to endure this. I cry every time I wake up and feel the venomous cortisol rushing and inflaming my body, causing pain. I dont mind being ignored and abandoned, but I'm tired of them laughing and mocking my problems. There is no sleep , good diet or basic understanding .. It's okay

Let's try this again, since when I wrote yesterday, no one really understood what I meant. I'll elaborate to my first post called, "Rambling with a 13 year old girl". My nickname is Tomato, since that was what my old friends used to call me. My old friends have spoken badly about me and I don't feel comfortable being in the group anymore. I think very deeply for someone who is 13 years old, but, of course, I am not fully mature. I still don't see meaning in doing some work and I blame other people for things I do. I am mature in the way that I don't fall in love with people for no reason; I look at their personality first. The same goes with friends. I take record of bad traits in people. Because of this, I have come to a realization. No one in my tiny private school is someone I want to be associated with. Outside of school, I only have 2 friends. Those 2 friends are constantly busy and 1 of them lives pretty far away. Sure, with all of this going on, I could have faked being in love with Gold just to take my mind off of life. Even so, I have shown all the signs of being in love. I, at first, idolized him. I thought he was perfect. Then, I disliked him when I saw his flaws. And finally, I love him now, with his imperfections and all. He stands up for me. He was raised well. He is hardworking. Gold is the first piece of gold I saw in the cave of life and an explorer snatched the gold away when I wasn't looking. No one, not even my family, understands and they never will.

I feel a little awkward sharing this. It makes me feel a bit insensitive, given that people have real active issues on here. But, I want some advice on how to fit in better. I’ve always felt like an outsider peeking in, like I don’t belong or fit in anywhere. I always try by going and talking to people, but I always feel like I’m forcing them to include me. It’s been this way since I was in elementary school. I’m awkward and quiet, and I’ve always been like that. Even when I do make friends, I always find myself questioning if I’m inconveniencing them. I just feel different. Should I try to go out more? Maybe join some kind of club? How do I make this work?

Okay, so I have two friends. We have all been friends since first grade. We still hang out and make each other laugh when we have problems. We never vent to each other or get sad. We just laugh at ourselves. Lately though one of them has started venting to the other. The other says it’s perfectly okay to vent. When I was with the first one in private I complained and she said that my problems didn’t matter.

I’ve always been the shy one of the group and now they text and call each other more than they do me. Whenever they try to call me I don’t answer.

I feel terrible and I’m going through some problems right now so I hope my friends don’t hate me but they both like the same things and I don’t know what they are.

This is so dumb but I don’t have any other friends so…. Yeah.

Should I resign for my mental health or should I stay to provide my family?

Hello guys. I like someone in my school. Actually, I love him. I'll refer to him as Gold, since he would wear a gold chain with his rapper costume every year on Halloween. He has the cutest chubby cheeks, the sweetest smile, and is generally super attractive in my eyes. Gold has been my family friend since preschool and I only really started liking him during late 7th grade. To the few people I told, they judged me for liking him. He 100% does not like me back because my facial acne is way too bad and I am ugly. If that wasn't bad enough, he has a girlfriend now and I don't know what to do. I can't get over Gold, no matter how hard I try.

So unfortunately, I am hypersexual due to trauma, but acesexual. and "makeup sex" is an unfortunate and unconscious reaction to stress caused by my relationship because of a past relationship. I feel like recently my boyfriend has been purposely triggering my stress response to get.. yuknow. And not only am I kinda grossed out by the thought he could be doing it on purpose. I'm scared by it.

i dont even know where to start. if i think too hard about everything i cry. i cant live in this world. i cant finish school or get a job. why do i have to pay for my existence? i think my dad was right. he is right. i say he isnt and my mom says he isnt but he was right and thats what makes me so sad. he was right for yelling at me. i should join somr school clubs ti put on my resume for college. i should work out. i am just lazy and spoiled. my mental health and anxiety and dysphoria and whatever the fuck isnt that bad. i think i may be pretending. i can function better than people who have it worse. save your time for someone else. my life isnt bad and people would kill for this. everyone says i am kind and sweet and just a golden child. i know i am the favorite. i am whiny. i am barely autistic. im not trying to be like “ugh🥺! im so unfixable and depressed and ugly and nothing is gonna get better” im not. im self aware on that. sure i cut myself sometkmes but i only do it when im really overwhelmed and about to snap. i think i am a realt disgusting individual. i feel like patrick bateman and kilgrave but not in that stupid sigma male stuff. yk. i fear it is all just a mask and i wonder what i am capable of. the atrocities i dont want to commit or do i? i dont want to grow up and becomr a pedophile or a serial killer. maybe its just instrustivir thoughts but i know better. i know yhe eevil runs deep in me and i pray to god and whatever gods. i still think santa is real. i know his spirit is. i go back to hell and evil and i cant stop. i want to be pure and i pretend so hard. i cant even cry. i have so much rage and hatred but also so much kindness. i wonder what is real. im tired. im anxious. i hate mu body. im going to kill myself if i have to live like this or look like this. my feet and ass and boobs and eyes are uneven. i cant stand how noticrable it is. so are my curves/sides and hips. bc of scolosis. i have so much acne and i have scars and stretchmarks. i dont think my body is built to be loved. i think love is a sham for me to get hope. i am deep down evil. i am so possessive and greedy and spoiled and nasty. i know this is true and i can hope for a fairytale but i will not get that. i dont rven know what to say. i can feel everrytjing in me. i hate human bodies im so scardd of getting old and having to think about the futurre.just let me live. but i cant. i am a snake eating its own tail forever

I’m a 13 year old gay boy and my whole family is homophobic and I am scared and this has kept me up for many nights the thing that scares me is mostly what I’m gonna do when I’m an adult I do love my family but what about when they find out I’m gay and I’m an adult will my family never talk to me or will I just marry a woman for them to be happy it’s terrifying I don’t know who to talk to so this is my last resort somebody please help me

My sister and her friends often talk about their serious problems with each other through text. My sister sometimes allows me to read what they say, but whenever I see her talking bad about me I feel hurt even though I'm the problem. She wouldn't be complaining to her friends if I didn't offend her but she never tells me how she feels so I don't know when my actions genuinely hurt her. I'm a little upset she allows them to talk bad about me and say my dreams are worthless and never going to happen, but do I have the right to feel offended when I caused this? I'm worried to talk to her because I'm afraid she'll tell her friends or not take me seriously.

Well, the mall incident in Malaysia. I got too excited, so I went far away from my mom to a side of a mall’s store where she couldn’t see me, then my brother found me. My dad said I could’ve gotten kidnapped, trafficked, organs sold, & raped. I know, I just forgot for a moment because I got too excited, but I blame myself. My dad then, in the hotel, proceeded to hit me, yell at me, call me a bad word & then he said I didn’t care about the family, I went because I got selfish, he blamed my liking to art, & then he said he only cares for me because I’m his child, not because he loves me, even saying if I were a neighbor’s kid, I’d be a bad example to him. I know he was angry, but I think he was right. That I’m unempathetic, that I’m selfish, & I don’t care about the family. Well, I do love them, I felt bad from what I did, I felt dumb, but is he right? Afterwards, I got tired, scared to talk to him, scared of getting lost in a mall, & I always ask my mom how I can help her. Maybe it’s just teen stuff, maybe my hormones & my overreaction are making me sad & tired.