Health and Wellness Failures Stories - page 2

(dont mind my terrible spelling)

My inner void

By: Samuel Ison

And then i fall. and fall. and fall. and fall. and fall. death isnt what i thought it would be. my life isnt falshing before my eyes. im not crying. im not angry that this is how it ends. th whole world is burning around me. we fucked up the whole world. for once i dont feel what i used to feel. i dont feel angry at myself. i dont feel gultiy about things i couldnt change. for the first time im not wondering about what death feels like. im not wondering anything. im not wondering why im falling for so long. i dont know what this feeling is. falling. forever. it feels nice. death isnt what i thought it would be. I dont see 'the light'. i dont see all my memories replaying in my head. I dont see my dead loved ones. i dont see a glimpse of heaven. or hell. I cant hear anything. the wind is rushing all around me. and then. nothing. peace. i dont wake up as a new person. i dont see any ghosts or people. i dont see heaven or hell. i dont see god. i dont see jesus. i see fog. all around. i cant see whats behind me or in front of me. except a road. im walking down the road. the road seems to go on forever. i keep walking. its peaceful. its just me, the road, and the fog. who am i? do i really even care? where am i? i dont really care. what is this place? i really dont care. what did i leave behind? choas. i always wake up from this dream right about now. I dont wake up crying or screaming or sweating. i wake up perfectly fine. i think my body makes me wake up befor i truly walk into the unknown. death perhaps. maybe if i keep walking...i wouldnt wake up again. now tell me this. why am i not scared of that?

I want someone to text me everyday 'are you ok?' and if i reply with 'no' then they simply say 'ok'. thats it. i dont want them to have pity on me. i just want somone to know. i want someone to want to know and when i tell them they dont pry. they dont ask anything. they just say 'ok'. is that to much to ask?

you know whats funny? when i cut myself the first time i wasnt crying or having a mental breakdown or at my lowest. i was watching fucking desendents at midnight and i had just thought. 'i wonder what it feels like?' so i grabbed a thumbtack and sratched my skin until it bled. i didnt feel anything. it didnt hurt like it should have. i didnt cry afterwards either. i didnt regret doing it and i still kinda dont. i didnt even flinch as i scraped off my skin until it bled. then i just stared at it. i didnt have any reaction to seeing my blood on that thumbtack or the blood coming from my arm. another time that i cut myself on my thigh i didnt have a reaction then either. i didnt even flinch the tiniest bit. and thats what keeps me up at night because i know that if i did that to anyone else. even a stranger. i would do anything to take it back. i would say im sorry until i couldnt speak. i would cry and scream at myself. i would hate myself forever for doing something like that. but if my best friend held a gun to my head i wouldnt even flinch. i would apoligize for doing something that made her have to go to all the trouble of having to kill me. and then in the end i would probably ask her to hand me the gun so i could shoot myself so that she wouldnt be charged for murder or have the burden of killing me. like the song goes 'you could slit my throat and in my my last gasping breath i would apolgize for bleeding on your shirt- your so last summer by taking sunday back'

its 4:34am right now. im so tired. but sleep isnt an option anymore. im haulcinating. bugs. bugs everywhere. STOP. LET ME SLEEP. and my brain says "no." my brain says "not until the sun is up." stop. let me sleep. and my brain says "no."

its 4:44am right now. im so tired. but sleep isnt an option anymore. im haulcinating. bugs. bugs everywhere. STOP. LET ME SLEEP. and my brain says "no." my brain says "not until the sun is up." stop. let me sleep. and my brain says "no.

My aunt had a saying when we where little that was a snippit from a church song reworded that went "Jesus said love everyone treat them kindly too, if your heart is filled with poo, no one will live you". To be honest why is it that my family acts like thats a foreign concept, and we aren't even foreign where a freaking white medium Christian family. Its like no one knows how to be kind and no one knows what being a decent human being is like.

On another note I kinda feel like a hyprocrite for wishing for everyone to be different, because i'm the one who cant pick up on social cues and always says the wrong thing. And at this point in my life I feel like saying I have mildish high functioning autism sounds like a stupid excuse.

I have a bunch of sister, mostly older and a twin as well (non identical) and they make me want to kill myself and i'm not saying that in a joking way. Like how is it that every friend I make leaves me for my extroverted sister? It's not like i did anything wrong i really tried to stay their friends but after they meet alice they act like im boring. Some of my other sister seem to always put in the effort to make it seem like i'm trying to be weird and mentally ill but I wish I wasn't, because its not like im even a cool level of mentally ill, im the type that gets called slurs and doesn't make friends unless its to people who don't have there own friends. Even then they always then meet each other through me and kind of forget about me.

Lastly what i'm going to vent about is relationship stuff. So I have a girlfriend and she's nice and I think I like her? I don't really know what it's supposed to feel like. I felt like a bad partner for dating her not even telling her i'm genderfluid when she's a lesbian, but weirdly when i told her she didn't even act like she supported me more like it didn't matter. We are both very adhd and it's long distance anyways (just across town because we go to different high schools and we both don't have cars) so we don.t get to talk a lot so i feel like i'm not there for her anyways. Just in all I haven't figured myself out yet when it comes to romantic relationships, I might be on some spectrum of ace. But I'm just so done with people I just might be mixing up my feelings or something? I don't know. Oki thats it :))

this is my first time posting to a website like this, so i'm a little nervous but i don't know what else to do. i've been dealing with some heavy weight recently and the problems that i once ignored are piling up on me and it's been really taking a toll on me. to give you a brief summary: my mother dislikes me, i've realized that i am somewhat disconnected from everyone in my life, opening up to people on an intimate, personal level scares me so i'm on this site instead, and lastly i feel weirdly hollow. every conversation with another person is incredibly painful for me, and i wish to cut contact with everyone and live my life as a recluse; at the same time i love people and i don't wish to separate from them. it's like, a weird oscillation of sorts. i don't want to sound too self-pitying but i wish that i could open up to others without any fear. for a long time i've always adhered to people, morphed myself accordingly but in the process i've fractured my sense of self lol and presently im trying to gain it back but ive realized just how empty of person ive been. i have so many problems but i feel like i can't tell anyone them and being emotionally genuine, with other people, is something that makes me want to throw up. distracting myself with projects, other people, or using the internet to forget about my reality. truth is, the few times ive 'opened' up to someone i tell them something miniscule that i don't truly care about just to keep the barrier there. my friendships i leave open and ambiguous, i've hurt a lot of people in the past because of this but i keep on moving forwards but this will definitely come to bit me in the future. i wish i could say that i feel remorse for them and i do, but it's never to the extent of their emotions. i do not love people, but i care about them even from afar and oh this turned into me ranting, lol sorry to whoever took the time to read this but you get the gist. there's a lot of other stuff as well but it'd be really awkward saying everything. i am attempting change but it's been hard, i'm getting somewhere though. just needed to get this off my chest lol, been feeling very depressed and heavy lately

i've been wondering why tears flow when I'm boiling with anger. it seems counterproductive, right? you’d expect steam, not water, when someone’s fuming. emotions like anger and sadness seem poles apart, yet they intertwine in the strangest way. is it the autonomic nervous system playing tricks, or a spillover from some emotional reservoir? ever screamed into a pillow and ended up sobbing?

think about cortisol—the stress hormone. when you’re angry, cortisol levels spike, and adrenaline kicks in. your heart races and your muscles tense. but then the tears come, almost as if your body’s betraying you. perhaps it’s a mechanism to signal distress. some experts suggest crying during anger can be a "safety valve" to prevent an emotional explosion. makes sense, doesn’t it? but why must it involve the humiliation of public tears?

i remember a situation at work, where a colleague's dismissiveness lit the fuse of my temper. suddenly, tears welled up against my will, in front of everyone! i felt mortified. one might argue it's part of "emotional intelligence," our body’s way of soliciting support by displaying vulnerability. yet, in that boardroom, did i really want vulnerability over asserting my point? and what about you? have you been caught in a swirl of emotions, with your tear ducts betraying your steely exterior?

there's a notion that crying serves as a cathartic release, purging pent-up emotions. it’s akin to rebooting a system overloaded by a whirlwind of feelings. so maybe, just maybe, those tears during a fury aren't enemies but allies pushing towards equilibrium. despite this understanding, it still feels like a betrayal in moments needing strength over softness. would it be different if society viewed emotional tears as strength rather than weakness? maybe the real question is not just why we cry when mad, but how do we learn to accept it?

There's a face I put on all my life

The face of an angel

I look in the mirror only to find

The face of a stranger

I found out that I have NPD and I'm happy for it

More ways to manipulate people on the road

I am walking. It cannot be otherwise

hey there! So lately I've been kinda buggin' about this nagging thought that's been overtaking my brain way more than I'd like. I'm 21, and ever since I was a little girl, my head's been swirling with all sorts of weird rituals and obsessive thoughts. But these days, it feels like they just won't chill out, you know? 🙃 It's like every time I think I got it under control, it just ups the ante. Does anyone else feel like OCD is getting worse with age? Or am I just being dramatic here?

i remember when I was younger, it was all about checking the locks (like 10 freakin’ times) and making sure light switches were perfectly aligned. But now, it's like a whole new level. My brain's got this talent for coming up with new, more complex obsessions. 🙈 I get super jittery if I don't carry out these little rituals perfectly, and it's exhausting. I'm seriously wondering if there's any hope in sight or if it's gonna keep ramping up? like real talk, why is my mental health acting up like an angsty teenager? maybe I just need to give in and accept it, but man, it's tough; 😅 does anyone else feel me on this? or am I just being paranoid about the whole "worse with age" thing?

I'm more than sure that I wasn't born for this

Whatever it means

I can do better

I don't know how

But I know deep down that I can do better

I'm tired

Tomorrow I'm telling my doctor the truth because I need help

I can't keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again

I'm tired

I feel like I can't help it

Am I stuck in this fucking pattern forever?

In My Place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed.

How long must you wait for it?

so i’m 31 and i’ve been slowly trying to figure out how to emotionally detach from my mom, who i’m pretty sure has borderline personality disorder. it’s been a long time coming, honestly. like, growing up, everything felt like walking on eggshells. one minute she was the most loving person ever, hugging me, calling me her sunshine, and the next, she'd flip out over the tiniest thing, crying or yelling or giving me the silent treatment for days. it’s exhausting and confusing, and even now as an adult, i find myself second-guessing everything i say to her. i’m polite, i keep things calm, but it still somehow becomes my fault. she rewrites reality sometimes, like saying things never happened or twisting my words, and i get caught in this loop of trying to prove i’m not a bad daughter. i mean, how do you explain to someone that you just want space when they think space means abandonment?

i’ve been limiting calls and visits, just to protect my peace a bit, but that guilt creeps in, you know? like, she’s still my mom. she did raise me. she had her moments where she really tried. and i can see she’s hurting too, probably scared and lonely, but i can’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm. i’ve read about this stuff, and it all matches—splitting, emotional blackmail, intense fear of being alone—but i can’t go telling her, "hey, maybe you have this thing" because it’ll just blow up and i’ll be painted as the cruel, ungrateful daughter again. sometimes she’ll cry and say i’m the only person who really understands her, and then the next day she’ll say i don’t care about her at all. it’s such a weird cycle. i’m not angry at her, i’m just… tired. like bone-deep tired. but i still want to care from a distance, just not drown in her emotions anymore. is that even possible?

so i’m asking, how do you actually detach from someone like that, especially when it’s your own mom? like, not just ignore her, but truly stop getting pulled into the emotional chaos and the guilt traps? how do you stay kind without being a doormat? i wanna keep my heart open, not harden it, but also not be this emotional sponge anymore. i feel more hopeful lately, like i’m getting better at spotting the patterns and not reacting the same way. i journal, i breathe through it, i remind myself that it’s not all on me. but is it okay to still love someone and not want them super close? is that selfish? i’d love to hear how other people have handled stuff like this. i feel like i’m getting there, just… slowly. and that’s okay, right?

Is it just me or does it feel like when you’re going to relapse your whole body gets cold. Like for me when I get urges I get cold head to toe and I’m getting tired as well when it happens idk what to doooo about it

Everytime I relapse I feel like the most pathetic and stupid person in this world

NYAHAHAHA I'M FUCKING DONE I'M FUCKING DONE I'M FUCKING DONE

MY PARENTS SEEM TO DISRESPECT MY GOAL OF WANTING TO BECOME AN ARTIST

NOBODY WANTS TO HELP ME ON ANY SUBREDDIT

I CAN'T FIND ONE SINGLE FUCKING PERSON TO HELP ME WITH MY ART BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW IF THEY DRAW WHAT I WANT OR IF THEY'RE A SCAM OR NOT

IT GOES TO SHOW: NOBODY WANTS ME TO CONTINUE MY GOALS

I SEE EVERYONE, NO MATTER HOW SMALL, GET MORE ATTENTION THAN ME, SOMEONE WHO NEEDS HELP, SOMEONE WHO GOT KICKED INSIDE WHERE THE SUN DON'T FUCKING SHINE CONSISTENTLY JUST FOR WANTING TO DRAW.

I've vented here for a month now, and I tried following advice, but IT ALL COMES BACK TO BITE ME IN THE FUCKING ASS FOR NO REASON IN PARTICULAR. I CAN'T MOVE ON BECAUSE WHEN I DECIDE TO MOVE ON AND START EVERYTHING OVER FORCEDLY BECAUSE OF SOME FUCKING CHILD TOUCHER, IT ALL BACKFIRES AND PEOPLE WANT TO AVOID ME. AVOID. THE. FUCKING. GROOMER. IT'S LIKE THAT FUCKING TROPE THAT I HATE WHERE EVERYONE LOOOOOOOOOOOVES THE BAD GUY OH BUT WHEN IT'S THE GOOD GUY OH HELL YEAH LET'S MAKE THEIR LIFE FUCKING MISERABLE

I'M TRYING, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WRONG

YOU KNOW THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY? IT'S ME

I TRY TO DO THE SAME FUCKING SHIT IN VERY DIFFERENT WAYS, INNOVATE WHILE DOING SO, EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT, AND I'M EVEN AVOIDING ALL THE RED FLAGS THIS TIME, BUT IT'S NOW LIKE "THERE'S NO THIRD CHANCE, YOU GOT GROOMED SUCKS TO BE YOU HAHAHAHAHHAHA GO TAKE A LONG FUCKING WALK OFF A SHORT PIER"

I... don't know what to do anymore

I try to improve in art, but it never works

I try to improve as a person, but highly ludicrous bullshit happens just to make me feel miserable

I just... wanted to be like my favorite artists, that's all. There's no harm in that, right?

But now... I just can't even put myself to respect anyone

I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN PLANET

WHY IS EVERYONE LIKE THIS TO ME

I CAN'T

WHAT DO I EVEN DO AT THIS POINT