Health and Wellness Failures Stories - page 2

bipolar disorder is such a mess. One moment I’m totally fine, and then the next, I’m exploding over something that shouldn’t even matter. It’s like my brain flips a switch, and suddenly everything feels like too much. My friends and family have to deal with these sudden outbursts, and I can see the confusion and concern written all over their faces. I hate it. I really don’t want to be that person who snaps over small things, but here I am, caught in this whirlwind of emotions that I can’t seem to control.

I try to work on myself with therapy and medication, but honestly, it’s so frustrating. I keep hoping for this magical stability, like maybe one day I won’t feel so sensitive and on edge. It’s exhausting to overthink everything and constantly analyze what triggers my anger. I spend so much time reflecting and talking with my therapist, but some days it all feels pointless. I mean, what’s the point of all this if I still can’t figure out how to handle my own emotions?

Connecting with others who get it helps a bit, but sometimes I feel so alone in this mess. It’s like everyone else is living their lives while I’m stuck here trying to figure out how to keep my emotions from exploding all over the place. I want to be resilient and handle stress better, but it just seems to creep in no matter how hard I try. I just want to stop feeling like I’m a burden to the people I care about. That feeling weighs on me all the time, and it’s a struggle to find any kind of peace within myself.

There are days when I think I’m making progress, and then something small triggers me, and I’m back to square one. I’ll be sitting with friends, laughing and having a good time, and then someone says something that hits me the wrong way, and boom. I’m off in my head, spiraling into a storm of emotions that nobody else seems to understand. It’s like I’m living in a different reality where normal reactions don’t apply.

And let’s not even talk about how exhausting it is to be constantly aware of my emotions. I feel like I’m a walking science experiment, analyzing every little thing that might set me off. It’s like I’m on high alert 24/7, trying to predict when the next emotional explosion might happen. It’s ridiculous. I just want to be able to enjoy life without feeling like I’m one tiny push away from losing it.

I know life isn’t perfect for anyone, and everyone has their struggles, but sometimes it feels like mine are so much more pronounced. I watch people around me handle stress and conflicts with such ease, and I can’t help but feel envious. How do they do it? What is their secret? I just want to grab onto some of that calmness and hold it for myself.

Therapy sessions are a mixed bag too. Some days, I walk out feeling like I’ve made some significant breakthroughs, and other days, I leave feeling just as lost as I arrived. I sit there talking about my feelings, my triggers, and my past, and sometimes I wonder if I’m just going in circles. I’m almost convinced my therapist is just as confused as I am. I mean, how can they help me when I can’t even help myself?

Medications are another layer of frustration. I’ve tried different ones, and while some have helped a bit, they come with their own side effects that are just as annoying. One med makes me feel like a zombie, another has me bouncing off the walls. It’s like a game of trial and error, and I’m the unwilling participant. I keep hoping that maybe one day I’ll find the right combination that brings some sense of balance. Until then, I’m stuck in this unpredictable emotional limbo.

I do appreciate those moments when I connect with others who understand what I’m going through. It’s a relief to talk to someone who doesn’t look at me like I’m crazy when I explain how I feel. But even in those moments, there’s still a nagging loneliness that creeps in. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, but I often feel like I’m on the outside looking in. It’s frustrating AF.

I try to focus on the good moments, the times when I can laugh with friends or enjoy a quiet evening at home. But then the dark clouds roll in, and it all feels so fleeting. I’m tired of riding this emotional merry-go-round, and I just want to step off and find some stability. I want to be able to enjoy life without feeling like I’m just one step away from losing it again.

Ultimately, I just want to find some peace within myself. I want to stop feeling like I’m a burden to the people I care about. It’s a struggle every single day, and I’m just exhausted. I know I have to keep pushing forward, but some days it feels like an uphill battle with no end in sight. I want to be better. I want to feel better. But it’s hard to keep that hope alive when the chaos feels like it’s always just around the corner.

so here's the deal, i can't even remember the last time i cried 😂 like wtf is wrong with me!!! it's my best friend's funeral and i'm just standing there feeling nothing. nada. zippo. everybody around me is all tears and tissues n stuff, but not yours truly. i was just thinking "what's wrong with me??" while they all cry their eyes out. 🤔

and it doesn't stop there!!! watched this supposedly 'heart-wrenching' movie last night everyone keeps hyping about, you know one of those movies where you're supposed to reach for the tissue box 😒 y'all get the drift...but guess what? NOTHING! didn't shed a single tear!! am i broken or something??? sometimes i wonder if i'm missing a part of my brain that's supposed to deal with emotions or maybe it's shriveled up somewhere in there lol 🤷‍♂️ it's weird cause if you met me, I'd seem like a regular emotional dude!

it’s kinda freaky every time someone tells a sad story at work or on tv, I sit there like an emotionless robot... like how do these ppl do it?? makes me question if I'm cut out for real human contact anymore 😕 ya know it’s getting really disturbing when anytime something crappy happens - whether it be bad news (lost job) or whatever - my response isn't sadness but just blankness! I'm starting to feel like i'm losing touch with reality!!!!!!!!

i decided to pick up an old hobby i used to love! painting!! thought it might bring some joy back into my empty life ya know? because that's what they tell you: find happiness in the things you once cherished. but instead... nothing. not a damn thing. all those paintbrushes and canvases did was remind me of how broken i feel! like the pieces don't fit anymore and never will. it's like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with pieces from different boxes!!!

this wasn't always the case, mind you. there was a time when painting was my escape from reality 😊 reaching for the oils and creating something wonderful used to make time fly by! now it's just frustrating, staring at a blank canvas with zero inspiration. what a joke!!!!! who am i kidding thinking this would work!?? even my color palette seems wrong now, awkwardly mismatched and out of place.

i found that some tools were still intact: brushes, palettes, even some unfinished works. looking at them should have sparked some nostalgia, but what did i feel? absolutely nothing!!!!! just stared blankly for minutes at end until i finally gave up!! feeling more lost than before!!! is this normal? or am i just completely detached from everything that once made sense?

it's almost embarrassing admitting i've outgrown something so vital in my past ☹️.. maybe i'm not meant for hobbies? no passion for painting left in me at all... just emptiness echoing inside these four walls while everyone keeps telling me i'll find myself again someday.. what if there's no 'me' to find?! tired of waiting for an impossible epiphany.

ever found yourself in a situation where everything seems just perfect on the surface but deep inside, chaos reigns? yeah, that's me right now. imagine this: during a pretty standard meeting at work, suddenly feeling like an arctic chill hits out of nowhere. i mean, I'm already all bundled up in my thick sweater and it's summer for crying out loud! it's one of those moments you can't help but question your sanity...?! later, i casually mention this weird occurrence to a friend who casually drops the bombshell that anxiety might be at play here. really???!!! anxiety??!!! chills??!! i'm finding it hard to believe there's a connection but i guess stranger things have happened. so anyway, this unexpected comment got me thinking: is it possible that my mental state is manifesting these bizarre physical symptoms?

let's be clear xD i'm not exactly persuaded by this notion just yet; it seems too far-fetched. still.. my curiosity is piqued and i'm diving into this with an open mind... sort of🤷‍♂️! could it actually be true that stress or anxiety could make someone feel cold? apparently there are others who experience similar stuff but again.. color me skeptical.

i keep asking myself: am i misinterpreting what my body's trying to tell me? when you're ensconced in layers and still trembling like a leaf in the wind... there has to be more going on than mere temperature issues, right?

to top it off... work meetings aren't something i'd generally associate directly with high stress levels...yet here we are. plus, i haven't noticed other nerve-racking events having such an impact before. despite everything being fairly stable externally (or seemingly so!), perhaps there's an unconscious undercurrent brewing beneath the calm facade...?

bottom line? as bewildering as every step feels while exploring whether anxiety truly can cause chills or not (and what lies beyond if yes or no) i'm ready to delve deeper until something clicks finally.

Okay, so I'm wondering if any of you guys do this. When I'm in the heat of a conversation, especially when things get tense or emotional, I just can't help it....I start pacing. Back and forth, back and forth again and again. It's like my feet have a mind of their own or something; they can't just stay still! Sometimes I notice people looking at me funny when I do it. Like they think I'm not paying attention cause I'm moving around so much. But man, that's not it at all! Pacing helps me think better, you know? Process what's being said or hit on what I really wanna express. But then there's this other part of me that's kinda self-conscious about it though, right? Like does it seem rude to others? Do they feel like I'm disconnected from the conversation when actually I'm trying to be more engaged by letting off some nervous energy? 🤔 Also since we're being honest here: Could this be messing with my relationships somehow? Like giving off weird vibes or something unintentionally: simply cause my anxiety comes out as pacing rather than chewing nails or fidgeting hands (which is more socially acceptable)? Oh well...time will tell maybe! Hoping one day folks might view these quirks as just parts of who we are while seeing past them toward the feelings behind each movement.

I can no longer calmly pick up my phone to reconnect it, because then it starts to drain quickly. I feel like going out is a problem because then they might put me in the water, and I won't be there, and consequently, I'll find that no more water will come in for the rest of the week. I can't even express my problems with complete transparency because there's always the risk that something will happen, that something will shift, and then I won't be able to get it back. I can't even go outside calmly, because even the spaces aren't safe; there's no stable internet connection whatsoever, and I can't do anything about it. Recently, there was no stability at all; everything put me at risk of losing the activity, of having to turn back. Going outside is becoming risky because there's nothing that guarantees me an effect beyond the plausible, nothing that allows me to go further and feel comfortable there. I'm always at the mercy of my nerves. Of course, I feel like I'm exaggerating, more like I'm just recording my thoughts because I'm feeling well and I've been observing how my phone behaves for a while now. I'm fine, but it's difficult because there have been so many recent changes, and well, I think it's time to pay attention to those small things, precisely to observe how I feel about the stability of my life.

My boss is losing ground, absolutely at the office. The other key players are doing everything they can to sabotage his peace, to win over those who truly act as bosses. I also feel like I can't write calmly; these moments feel tense for me, and although it's over things that seem small, the point is that when navigating life, you always have to start with the small details to make effective moves. I always encounter surprises, and the idea is to start with those small elements, make them big, make them move forward. Things on the street are expensive lately, in fact, I feel like time throughout the day is getting shorter. As for writing, I feel like I'm not recording enough, I feel like I lack time because I feel like the world is consuming me, I'm scared of the world, I want to take refuge, but that makes me want to go out, and thanks to this instability, I feel like taking refuge again. I find myself between one thing and the other, I also feel like I'm becoming a habitual writer. I'm so sorry to hear about my friend. I don't know how she is. I recently sent her an emoticon after a birthday greeting in the office group chat. I left it there hoping it would stay, hoping there wouldn't be any changes in the group and that she'd always remember it, so she'd feel my support, a connection to the group. But with the bosses' infighting, that's all gone. Well, the group belongs to everyone, and being at the mercy of fate and having to ask for dedicated channels doesn't feel right. I feel like I have to live with this uncertainty, with this feeling of making the effort to do something and then not knowing what will happen. That's been my whole life so far. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life, and I'm even afraid of ending up on the street, definitely, because I'm not doing anything to get ahead, just writing. But this makes me feel more, delve deeper, but at the same time, it acts as a kind of prison, a restraint, preventing me from doing things with my life.

I'm uselessly checking the time, because I can spend all the time I have left outside. I confess I feel a bit desperate, because everyone else is making an effort to fix things, to do something to keep things going, and I'm doing nothing, just the bare minimum. It turns out that when I was a child, my life was the opposite; I lived at the mercy of always doing something to please others in order to support myself, and that was it, without inhabiting a specific future, other than the one others dictated. But it wasn't pleasant, because I didn't know about it; I was only confined to it, only alienated by it. I don't know how to put it. I had never reached such depths of feeling. I remember feeling that my well-being wasn't important, but rather that no one could say anything. Others focused on giving me what I needed so I could do what they assumed I should do with what they gave me, always basing their decisions on their own minds and never on what I actually said. It was in that kind of environment that I was with my boss. I can't even count on a steady supply of drinking water. I have to wait for it to heat up, then wait for it to cool down, and then I have to get water outside. Buying water is expensive; it can eat up my income. I have no savings. My boss was completely negligent with his employees, obsessed with keeping them where he wanted them. If they strayed from his plan, he couldn't control them and, seeing an opportunity, fired them—abusing the system.

My boss had some very strange ways about him. His relationship with the employees was about manipulating them against each other, exploiting their feelings, always taking advantage of institutional guilt, playing on prejudices, losing control, and acting out a reality that wasn't the one we shared, all to gain power, always under the constant threat of escape. With my boss, I never felt safe, because he didn't operate based on concrete actions, but rather on things that were already in place, leaving me to figure out what to do with them, without even considering me personally. That's why I stood up for myself and looked for a way to get out of his clutches, by any means necessary, so that he wouldn't be left looking bad and then he couldn't say anything to me. I wanted to get rid of that guy for good. I didn't like him at all; he was a monster, and to this day, I don't have the energy to understand him. In fact, the guy is completely out of control, out of the office even though he's still on the payroll. He was just trying to escape, and I knew all his tricks from my experience with my father. And indeed, he didn't manage to get out, and now the office is his own tomb. The guy tried to call my father, but my father felt exactly where he was headed, unable to maintain his control, his tyranny, his narcissism. But he failed miserably in this attempt. My father wanted him to go down that same hole, precisely to make him feel the same way he did. Like all narcissism, my boss looked for salvation from the hole everywhere, but he didn't find it; instead, everyone turned against him. Another thing that also happens to me with water is that sometimes I find insects in it, and I don't like it. I feel like somehow my anticipation of the water being ready to drink is wasted. I like getting down to these tiny details and then expanding on them, expressing them; it's about starting with those small details and making a difference from there.

My boss's mind was completely shattered, completely broken, because he doesn't know where the shots came from. It all started with me being nice to him, being kind, even going along with his plan to distance myself from a friend when she had a problem. But everything changed suddenly. He became trapped, first in my hands, then in the hands of the other department, then in the hands of the office itself, and finally in the hands of the authorities. Then his job became out of his reach. The man was stripped of everything over a problem he thought would have a quick solution, a simple matter of letting it go. But he took it too easily, clinging to the idea that everything was fine, to everything that made it seem like everything was alright. But when he was in my hands, his attempt to get out of that situation, to show his feelings, thinking I was on his side, that I would accept him, didn't turn out that way. Instead, he saw himself falling into his own abyss. He didn't expect me to turn against him so suddenly, to still be concerned about my friend, and then to get involved in a mess within the medical profession. He simply didn't. I realized that things would be so intense that I wasn't up to the task of navigating the institutional landscape in favor of feelings.

Man, I'm so stressed about this whole potential layoff situation at work. It's like my job's hanging by a thread, and that giant corporate ax is just ready to drop. I've been in this industry long enough to know the signs, but honestly? This feels different. Seriously, my throat feels tight all the time... like I can't even swallow without overthinking it. My doctor mentioned something called globus sensation (a fancy way of saying your throat’s too tense from stress), but that doesn't help when you feel like you're gonna choke on air. 😩 Like come on, what kind of nonsense is that? Doesn't matter how many times I tell myself it's just anxiety playing tricks; my body isn't buying it.

It's wild how the brain can hijack your body over stressors that may not even happen! Sure, quarterly reports look a bit iffy and the boss has been dropping hints here and there about 'operational efficiencies' but really? Get outta here with that corporate B.S.! Anyway, decided to pour myself into online courses because why waste good panic energy when I can upskill instead? Focusing on staying competitive in today's market is critical while reminding myself: 'This too shall pass.' Alexa might have better control over her voice than I do right now when I'm anxious, but it's getting better. The struggle is real yet keeping faith helps keep me afloat – found a quote recently: 'Life has no smooth road for any of us as we advance.' It's all about the forward momentum...

yo so i'm just gonna dive right into this mess: anxiety's a pain and it’s messing with my vision real bad. like you ever feel like your eyes are betraying you? it's crazy, right? here i am thinking everything's cool and then bam, my vision decides to go blurry. feels like my eyes got their own agenda or somethin'. anyone else get that feeling when you're hella stressed out and your body just starts acting up in the weirdest ways? i'm sitting there minding my own business, trying to keep it together then suddenly everything goes outta focus 😒. searching online isn't much help either, mostly just tells me to chill out but how the hell am i supposed to relax when i can't even see straight half the time? ugh.

so what do y'all do bout this kinda stuff cause it's getting annoying as heck! dis stuff makes me wanna scream sometimes for real lol. heard some people saying 'just breathe' or whatever but really? i need more than breathing exercises if i'm stuck staring at a blur all day. why ain't there an easy fix for this crap yet? someone gotta invent glasses that filter out anxiety-induced blurriness or something 😂. seriously tho, anyone know any tips besides chilling out and drinking tea? idk if it's my screen-time messin' with me as well but it's not like i can avoid screens these days ya know? throw some ideas at me folks before i lose it completely.

I don't know what I'm doing in that office. I want to leave and never come back because I'm fed up with them. I always have to put up with one thing after another, always settle for sad shortcomings, with their nonsense, their pressure tactics, taking advantage of the fact that I won't say a word. I'm tired of their mistakes. Where on earth is their education? Their civic engagement? Their appreciation for knowledge? Or do they just think they know everything about what they already know? For God's sake, they're people who are nothing but accumulating knowledge and nothing more. They don't question anything, they use completely outdated language, they follow sad trends purely for petty political maneuvering. I'm tired of that office, and it calls itself a university when all I see is a smokescreen at the expense of equally corrupt politics. They're people who make a living by embellishing things when I don't see any examples. Where the hell are the examples? Where on earth are the citizens practicing their civic duty? I don't think they know what that means. I don't think they know anything about being with others because they only seek to change things. They don't know how to coexist, they don't know how to negotiate. I'm tired of putting up with them. I'm tired of them living their lives at the expense of me being unable to say anything, at the expense of cornering others. What on earth is wrong with these people? How on earth can the state allow a company like this, for God's sake? They may be very academic and all that, which they do brilliantly, but only for the people who aren't critical, who happen to be the same academics in the community. It's pointless to talk to them because they don't know anything about criticism; they only know how to keep silent, maintain groups, and give orders. They don't know what it means to be an academic, they don't even know how to plan an event that suits the people, but rather their community, the purpose of which is education. I hope, for God's sake, they find any excuse, for the love of God, let it be so, to get me fired because I have no reason to put up with their betrayal of the country. Why don't I associate with people who are for the country? Who strengthen it? Who inspire it? But I don't think even my friends will understand this conversation in any way; perhaps they'll grasp it, but that's one thing, and the ingrained practices are another. There are no citizens, no country, nothing, so where am I? Where do I stand? I am completely abandoned, naturally, by the system, which, because it believes I have no one else to consult, thinks I'll just let them manipulate me, that I won't get ahead, that I won't know what happened, when that was never the point. It's about opening oneself up to the diverse experiences that have occurred, along with everything that entails, in order to address them or remain grounded, through actions that safeguard one's space. It's there that one can operate, not through imposing or invasive methods. It's just a matter of luck that a beast will awaken, as happened with my boss when he thought I'd never make him see the significance of his abandonment of me in the other place. But I don't think he, being an educator, can even see that. For the first time, I feel I'm not dealing with prepared people, despite their academic degrees and all. I don't feel they're prepared; I feel they're clumsy. I have every right to speak this way. They claim to be prepared to serve society when they know the least about being in it. But the problem is that later, they'll surely voice their doubts to see if a grimace or something will indicate, for God's sake, some reference that has nothing to do with the grimace, even though there are scientific studies on the matter. Personally, I'm the only one who deserves to be in the community and hold a relevant position, but I definitely can't do it alone. It means taking on an entire system, and I'm not in the mood for that. I just know that their way of life permeates my work, it overwhelms me. The last thing I do there is work, because being a citizen, the foundation, isn't reinforced at all. They don't care about who's fulfilling their obligations, but rather who fits in with them, for God's sake. They're completely unaware, because they don't care, of what they fit in with, and then they go around complaining about why life doesn't treat them the way they want, when it's precisely through this social engagement that they sustain themselves, mobilize, and develop their visions. That's it. They don't care about their visions, about a foundation, about establishing themselves.

I keep writing, and I don't know why. At least I'm realizing what I can say to them, but I can't do more than that. For God's sake, I don't want to think about them at all. I have no interest in talking to them. They're not capable, not even in a million, of holding a conversation. I don't see them as capable of anything other than making the world the way they please, forcing things, and acting like they're the kings of discourse, when in fact they're not. There's no coexistence based on principles.

Coexistence here is based solely on conflict, stemming from the group dynamic of denying appearances—it's the last straw. I don't live in a society governed by laws, but by things I don't know where they get them from; comparing them to animals is ridiculous. They operate on the principle that nothing will be said so that everything is alright. I'm tired of having to adapt to something I absolutely shouldn't have to, for God's sake. I don't want them to think about me, I don't want them to. They'll only ask questions to control me without realizing it. I don't want to be with them; they're not worthy of me. To put it bluntly, I only want to be with citizens. I don't feel that even my friend has that civic spirit; she's probably up to something, I don't know what. I don't feel I can be with them. They live by the rules, but nothing more. I'm fed up with them, absolutely. I can't even look them in the face. And of course, they dwell on what wasn't done and what was done, always looking for the opposite, only to fail when they fail again. They just try to distance themselves from the situation, all because they don't develop according to principles.

It's absolutely disgusting to see my friend, who can't be with me, can't sit with me, without coming up with the excuse that it's because of work. She's simply dragged along by it, while I'm struggling to navigate it all. She doesn't take responsibility, she doesn't do anything about what's happening in her life. Instead, she abandons what she doesn't know how to do, and what she does know, well, that's all she can do, but without going any further. They are extremely limited in their approach; they don't develop their potential, only focus on rhetoric. I don't know what I'm doing in that office. I ask myself that every day. I wonder what I'm doing in my own country when everywhere I go, it's excluded, and I'm excluded too. Whether they care or not—and they should care, if they're even in it—they're hurting me. But all they know is their own interests, pure and simple domination. I'm tired of being disappointed. I wish I didn't have to see the people who claim to be from my country, who say this is their homeland, but their actions tell a different story. Just like my boss, who is the very image of someone who cares about the pain of others at the expense of his own reputation. A truly wretched man, an abuser of other people's suffering, and that's exactly what the people are fed up with. He also creates an internal tyranny that we all have to endure because of what he does. Definitely, there's no worse individual in the world, by God, than a tyrant, and we're all fed up with tyrants in my country now.

I feel so exhausted by life that I don't feel like doing anything, and I don't want to rest. I feel like I have so much to discover, so much to do. I'm getting fed up with seeing content on social media. I want to see what other people think, what other people have done—and I mean good, excellent, wonderful people, not these content creators who, personally, I feel do nothing but create profiles, for goodness sake! It's exciting to see them at first, but the thing is, you realize later that they're not making any contribution, not in terms of language or anything like that. They don't offer any insight, and I don't feel like they're helping me diversify, which is what I'm truly satisfied with. I've recently started following the content of a friend's boss, and personally, as well as my friend's, which I had to access through legal third-party apps, but it's still not the same. It's boring, bitter, and I feel like I have no reason to be there. Their content doesn't offer me anything; it only lets me see their lives, and that's exactly what I never want to be. I categorically feel that I have nothing to do outside of my own life. I don't even like the content posted by a friend of mine, who's also in the same group as the other friend I mentioned. I feel like I have no business being there; I feel like their lives aren't mine. We don't share the same understanding of life under any circumstances. I feel completely tired, exhausted. I feel like I need real authors, people who measure up, like those figures in history who truly presented a fantastic way of seeing the world, who touched hearts. These people, on the other hand, don't do that. They claim to be different, but they aren't. They're not different at all. They just try to be agreeable, to be different from others in terms of feelings, through gestures, but that doesn't translate into words. I'm not happy with my friend, the first one I mentioned, because she doesn't bother to find words to express what she feels. Instead, she leaves me with nothing, with her being unfinished, doing absolutely nothing, unlike me, who's always fussing and fussing over my own definitions. What good is a friend like that to me? I don't feel she's worth it. I don't like her because she doesn't make the effort of her life; instead, she puts a burden on me, and I don't like that. The same goes for another friend. Why do I have to deal with these issues, this inability to develop words? Why weren't their lives ready for me? Weren't they ready for something like this? For a new relationship? And what's it to me? Personally, I'm tired of acting as their parents and I should leave them because they don't seek the tools to keep up with their conversations. I can't believe I'm still with them, tolerating these deficiencies. Good heavens, what kind of life have I created for myself with people like this? Personally, I struggle to keep from falling because they add an extra burden to my life, and I don't want a burden. I want people by my side, people who are developing their language skills, who allow their creativity to flourish. It's not my fault they haven't sought a way to find those support systems.

I'm finally emerging from a feeling of being stuck in a rut that had persisted for months and months. These girls, my friends—the first one I mentioned and another I didn't mention in the previous post—have been a real blow to me. I wasn't expecting them; I hadn't prepared my life for them. I've been putting in so much effort to be the best version of myself, and they only offer verbal support and nothing more. Who knows if they're even aware of it? I'm tired of dwelling on it. I just want to distract myself with something else, but I feel incomplete, always incomplete. There's always this feeling I have to satisfy, precisely because I feel like I have to carry the weight of their lives. I have to visualize where we are completely, so I can truly see them, understand them to the best of my ability. I feel like my life is dedicated to them, to these girls, and that leaving them would be sabotaging their efforts. These girls are already draining me of my life, something my parents couldn't do. I feel like it's the worst thing they've ever done to me, but it's precisely because of seeing them in such a terrible state, abandoned, being one of those who, because of them, couldn't afford to, had to leave them behind. And that's not what it's about. Back then, those circumstances weren't right, but now they are. I don't feel comfortable around these girls, truly. I feel like I'm never up to the task. In fact, I feel like it's unattainable for me, because I can't really see them. My only goal is to establish myself as a citizen, but those are things they know, mainly them, even though they see them.

It's embarrassing to have friends—friends I call friends—who have me blocked, for God's sake. What kind of friendships are these? How is it possible that to view their accounts they have to look through third parties and not through their own accounts? Why on earth do I have to be kept out of it when I've achieved things with them that surely no one else has done, thought of, or dared to do? I don't feel comfortable. I want to fall asleep forever, but there's always this anxiety, this need to do something that at least pleases them, that at least results from concrete and specific contact between us on my part. But that's precisely the problem: they weren't taught to value that, only to be subjected to impositions, absolutely not. Therefore, they understand that this is what they must maintain, for that specific reason. Well, if it's possible, it's because something is keeping it going, it's true, but it's at the cost of a lot of effort. I don't feel any support whatsoever. Why do I have friends who aren't able to support me? It's because if they did, they'd touch on something they shouldn't, since I've already met all their expectations, and supposedly no one does that for them. I feel like I have to eavesdrop on their conversations to see what conclusions they draw about me, those conversations that stem from our interactions. Time really does fly by; I hadn't realized it. Between leaving and coming back, it feels like everything is happening so fast, like it's been nonstop. Well, writing is a bit of a break because it allows me to express myself, but my gestures are completely unpracticed. Nonverbal communication isn't my strong suit. Well, it's something that happens naturally, it's essential, it's fundamental, and it really does require practice.

And wow, it's humiliating to like my friend's boss's social media posts, but it's my only way to access some of those lives, to see what they're all about, because I don't really know what they're like, what they're like. I only know the people in my department, and it's awful. They're not people of achievement, they're not people of reach, they're people of perpetual failure and bitterness. At least my friend there, her boss, and others, have a life that's perhaps more active, driven by success, achievements, sustenance, doing something with that lack, doing office work, not necessarily the main focus, the center of their lives, as it is in my department, and in fact, they try to absorb others by any means necessary. They're monsters in my department, they don't even know how to communicate with each other, they don't know how to hold formations, and they act like they own the place. At least my friend's department isn't full of downtrodden people, but in spirit, they certainly are. My boss has nothing to offer me, no role model, not even a professional profile. He's a complete failure, and I don't want him in my life anymore. He really took advantage of the illusion he created with me, without giving a second thought to the whole situation. I no longer have anyone I can look up to, observe, or admire; I only have myself to rely on. What a failure my relationship with my boss was. I thought it would be different.

I hope the category I chose is okay. This whole year I’ve been struggling for the first time in my life with depression. Not just feeling down but actually depression. Where thoughts of kms pop into my head and when they do they aren’t scary.

I’m so lonely. I have a partner but I don’t have any friends. I can’t seem to make friends. My family does not reach out to me. I have a full-time job but even there I don’t feel close to or really interact with anyone. I know that this loneliness is my fault.

I became so desperate for attention that I tried PAYING someone to GAF. And even then I don’t receive attention that I need. I don’t want to ask for it I want people to WANT to talk to me, to do stuff with me, to hang out with me. My partner comes home from work and is tired and wants to unwind with playing games which is not an unfair thing to want at all, I understand and accept that. But that doesn’t help me feel less lonely.

My love language is physical touch and I crave this so bad. To be wanted. To be desired. To feel beautiful. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to die but I can’t go on with this loneliness much longer. Anytime I talk to my partner about this I end up feeling worse. I have started treatment to get help but it’s not leading anywhere and I’m located in the US where it’s so hard to find mental health care. I tried using a crisis line but it’s AI run so I didn’t feel better with it and ended up just abandoning the chat. I’m so lost. I’m so lonely. I just needed to rant to someone…..

I can't help but wonder sometimes if Albert Einstein might have had ADHD. You know, when you read about his life and how he was in school, it kinda makes me think about my own experiences. Like, I've always had trouble focusing on stuff that doesn't interest me, just like he supposedly did with math early on. My mind goes a million miles a minute and it's hard to keep things in order.

A buddy of mine once told me that Einstein was messy too, and I can relate so much to that! My workspace just looks like a tornado hit it half the time. Things everywhere and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep it neat. But who knows? Maybe that's just what helps creative thinking happen. It's frustrating though because people expect you to be organized all the time.

I'm just thinking out loud here because there are days where I feel like it's really holding me back. It'd be nice if someone famous like him shared a bit of what I'm going through. But let's be real, there's no way to know for sure if he had ADHD or not back then (or even if it'd matter). Still, curious thoughts cross my mind from time to time... 😊

is anyone else struggling with drinking after work? like, i'm not saying i'm the next Hemingway with a glass in hand but seriously??!! seems like every day ends up either at the bar or at home with a drink. what's worse, i kinda feel like it’s ‘normal’ now for me and my coworkers. ever notice how there's always those TV show quotes where they say stuff like 'it's 5 o'clock somewhere!'? sometimes wonder if we’ve all just decided alcohol is mandatory for stress relief these days; maybe i'm overthinking all of this. 🤔 yet every darn evening, there it is! some buddies tell me it’s just how adults ‘unwind’... well are we unwinding or winding up tighter?! doesn't help that it's gotten so common to joke about ‘rehab’ after work when another coworker says they'll hit the pub after closing time. thinking of switching out drinks for smoothies but then again i just feel kind of dumb cutting out what everyone else does.

The office is exhausting, a place where hell itself is stirred. There's no unity, only factions, so nothing is said. The important thing is to pretend we're in some bygone era, to pretend we're living under civilized conditions. It's unbelievable. I can't even get home because the water service isn't always reliable, and I have to be there whenever they say it will be, which is just ridiculous, and luckily I had some water at all. I'm grateful to have a home, and I'm grateful to feel, right now, in these moments, that there's some future. I've sensed, for some time now at least, the subtlest conversations, but at the same time, they imply a farewell embrace, said without any fuss, but in a way that understands, that acknowledges that we're on our own and there's no chance of sharing principles. My boss is a disaster right now, my friend is at odds with all the authorities, maybe less so with her boss, perhaps. It's survival par excellence, at all costs, by any means necessary to achieve results. Of course, the issue is always limited, on everyone's part, to finding that thing, that thing where they have suffered and therefore also know how to inflict suffering, reaching the point where it goes unnoticed, where the imposition is permitted, precisely because it's not realized in time; my boss used to abuse this. How annoying to have to express these indignations in language, because they are extremely subtle things, which in themselves are not part of any citizenry. This coexistence with the people is annoying, because people aren't looking out for the people, but for their families, and it's because they have no other choice, in order to achieve their survival. If the people are not cared for, the family cannot be cared for. The family is being used as an excuse, as a facade, to do whatever one wants, to justify actions, disregarding universal coexistence, which is that of the people, in terms of what their law establishes. This law, while flexible, differs from those family principles. But the issue is that not many understand this; rather, they run from it. I see that they are running from me precisely because I am now making my principles the law and not the family, making the family a camouflage for the exercise of the law. And that is how it should be, because of the gestures, because of the individual before others, but in accordance with the law. But people take it as an illusion with their feelings, which, if it breaks down, they must abandon, when in theory it should be, from the outset, the act of exercising individuality, without group formations, which in themselves detract from the very essence of a people as a people, based on the principles it applies and which are in accordance with... The circumstances he experiences, that's all, and what prepares him or opens him up to the principles of other peoples, but I insist, I don't know who on earth could understand this in the cultures I come from, so I feel completely alone in this spirit and under the constant urge to reflect through platforms that allow it, instead of it being the everyday thing, precisely under that effort to manage to sustain oneself in life, and which is not an act of containment, of control, of reprisal in any way, it is not something that another can do, but rather it is precisely the exercise through that distance from what happens, formulated through the review of the applied elements of the law, in order to make observations, discernments, and be able to observe the particular case in order to find a generality that allows vision of other similar cases, if no new one arises, and for which it is necessary to reformulate the generality if the issue does not turn out to be polymorphous from several generalities, but which can still lead to a generality, let's say superior one.

Despite everything, I don't know who I can explain any of this to. People are now afraid that I'm going down this path, that I'm now seeing things that are out of line, and that I'm creating chaos, just like they do, to gain control over others, and they're pushing me away. Being a citizen in my town is grounds for exclusion due to a social imperative, not the law, and that makes me feel demotivated, because it clearly shows that serving the nation isn't what people are aiming for; instead, they want to live their lives completely detached from politics. For God's sake, I can't tell my boss about any of this because he'll surely use it for his propaganda rhetoric, which is utterly nauseating in my opinion. I don't feel that I'm gaining the support I want on these platforms either, I admit, the support I want for a better country, which should be achieved through conversation with citizens, but instead, I run into someone with that kind of bias that distances me, that doesn't like me. Indeed, what I'm saying might fall into the hands of someone from the town, but at the same time, it might not.

Writing these lines is the most I can do for my country, because the people themselves don't allow me to be a patriot. Patriotism is something abandoned; in fact, the project of being a nation has gone completely to hell. I left my home and found that there was no country, confirming my relatives' well-honed manipulative spirits, for it is through them that one manages to have a life, to defend freedom, to do something, at least some expectation, in the midst of this savage situation, completely devoid of civilization. And that is what justifies my being with my friend, who knows how to navigate the law, but through the law of shattering expectations, which restrains others, which makes me feel safe, which allows me to live my life without having to submit myself to the collective. Being with her is the best thing because of that, and also because she takes care of me at all costs. She prioritizes order with me above all else, and she manages to see the justification—of course, I give it to her in a way she can grasp—to get things done. She comes down to earth with me, protects my spirit, and stops me from being alone in the midst of this totally fragmented country, which I feel disappointed in because they deceived me with the idea that I was a citizen of a republic, and it was a lie. The paperwork only gave me illusions because there is no such thing in practice; there is no people, only groups trying to survive. My boss wouldn't understand a single word of what I'm saying, and neither would the teacher. That's something he needs to understand, but he got himself into the very trap of trying to make a purely political professional. What a huge disappointment. If there aren't these kinds of individuals, and if they're supported and embraced, and they manage to reach great heights, I can't expect anything from the people themselves anymore. I can't, I simply can't. Instead, I have to act for my friend, for her assertiveness, to create that distance from others so she can live her life as she wants. Of course, this brings her problems because by putting others in a difficult position, they manage to break free from where they want to be whenever and however they can, even radically if possible. I literally destroyed my boss because he was getting away with everything, leaving everyone else in hell, while he came out on top, by any means necessary, at the cost of leaving the whole world at his mercy, whenever he wanted, and all with a smile. It was a dictatorship that wasn't explicitly stated but was described, spoken of through jokes and silence. My friend is assertive, but she lives by keeping her distance from others, by being able to live her own life, not by having them at her mercy, as my boss did. That's why I preferred her to him, that's why I preferred her care, and that she allowed me to live my life as I liked; something in which my boss had to constantly defend me from him because he wanted to absorb me, but for him I wasn't doing anything to make me say that, that is, he lived off my words, keeping quiet and doing things that couldn't be said.

I've been thinking it's about time I quit smoking weed for good. My main concern is my health, both physical and mental. I've noticed some changes that aren't exactly pleasant, like feeling foggy or a bit anxious after indulging in the habit consistently. It's gotten to the point where I can't ignore these effects any longer; I need a change. But here's the part that gets me: what do you replace it with? I'm not talking about jumping into another vice... I'm genuinely interested in alternatives that could improve my well-being, not just mask the absence of weed.

Supposedly there are healthier ways to achieve relaxation or stress relief, but I'm skeptical about what's out there. People mention things like meditation, exercise or various kinds of therapy. Yeah sure, they sound great on paper, but do they really provide the same kind of immediate comfort as lighting up? There's that doubt lingering over whether anything truly works as effectively. Maybe someone who's managed this transition can shed some light?

i guess what irritates me is how people make it seem so easy to switch up habits just like swapping out a pair of socks. They say you'll feel renewed energy (some even say happiness) almost right away when you stop smoking weed. uh-huh sure... I'll believe it when I see it; for now, this whole process feels daunting at best.

It's difficult to imagine getting through stressful days without reaching for something that's been a reliable crutch for so long. Is there ever really a perfect substitute? Or am I destined to wander through endless suggestions from well-meaning folks who haven't quite walked in these particular shoes?

My aim isn't just to complain (I'm seeking real advice here!!) but until I start getting tangible results from trying other methods, skepticism will likely remain my constant companion 🤷‍♂️