Health and Wellness Failures Stories - page 4

So I cant find this meaning of self love people keep talking about. It's so foreign to me. I grew up with my parents divorced and I lived with my father. My father use to beat me when I was younger because of the mistakes I used to make such as not writing correctly I'm kindergarten. Not reading correctly in the first grade. Not doing math properly Not tieing my shoes properly. Anything I didn't do correctly the first time was corrected violently. Our only activity we did was he had many drink with him starting at the age of 10 getting drunk with him on beer. He kept thinking me and him were supposed "half demons" thinking he can just change the colors of his eyes with a thought. And one day when I was 20 he pressed the teeth of a machete against my throat daring me to move. I had to forcibly grab the blade while he had it pressed against my throat forcing it away from my throat. He tried twisting the handle to cut my hand in doing so. I say all this because I don't really see the point of living I don't want to keep going you know. Anytime a flood warning or a tornado warning happens I get relieved thinking maybe it's my time to go now it can finally all end. I'm in my 20s but I feel like I'm in my 120s waiting for someone or life itself to pull the plug. It's hard to really get up everyday and honestly I'm numb to most things. I think my mental decline trying to keep everything together over the years has reduced me to this state. Alot of friends I used to hang out with are gone now living their own lives. I tried seeking a relationship like others my age but it didn't work out to well. I had surgery on my shoulder which cost me all my finances struggling to keep up with rent and bills etc and I don't know back to my original point I'm just tired just not wanting to keep going. Whatever light there was at the end of the tunnel or those happy moments to cling onto has faded over the years.

i know it sound stupid to some ppl, like just another weird fear or whatever, but i swear this thing is real for me. i can’t stop thinkin about it—losing my mind, my memories, my self. dementia, alzheimer’s, all that… it terrifies me. like deep in my bones kind of fear. i’ll be sittin there watchin tv or just layin in bed, and boom, it hits me. “what if i forget who i am one day? what if i forget my mom, or where i live, or how to talk?” nd it ain’t even like i’m old or anything, i’m only 27, but the thought never leaves. it started after my grandma passed. she had alzheimer’s nd near the end she didn’t even remember me, nd that messed me up fr. i’d go visit her, nd she’d smile at me like i was a stranger, callin me names of people long gone. it was like watchin her fade while still breathin. nd now it’s like every little thing i forget makes me panic. forgot where i left my keys? maybe it’s startin. called someone by the wrong name? brain’s probly already slippin.

i keep tryin to tell myself it’s just anxiety, that i’m overthinkin, but it don’t help. i’ve googled the symptoms so many times i basically memorized the whole list. nd now it’s like i’m constantly watchin myself, checkin if i’m rememberin stuff right, testin myself with lil memory games in my head like a freak. sometimes i won’t even enjoy a moment cause i’m too scared i won’t remember it. nd that’s the worst part honestly. the fear is stealin the life i’m tryin to protect. like i’ll be hangin with friends nd instead of laughin, i’m thinkin “ok remember this, what are we talkin about? who’s here? what time is it?” nd if i mess up just once it’s like my whole body goes cold. my chest gets tight, my head spins, i start spiralin like “this is it, it’s happening, i’m losing it.” no one really gets it either. they just be like “bro ur fine” or “you’re too young for that stuff.” nd i know they mean well, but it don’t help. it just makes me feel more alone.

sometimes i feel like i’m already gone a little, like the fear itself is eatin away at me. it’s not even just memory loss i’m scared of—it’s losing me. who i am, what i love, the people i care about. i see older people walkin down the street lookin confused and i can’t help but wonder, “were they like me once?” did they have the same thoughts, the same fears, and then one day it all just slipped? maybe i sound crazy, but it’s real to me. nd i don’t kno how to stop it. therapy helped a bit but i still have bad days. sometimes real bad. nd i just sit there in the dark, tryin to hold onto everything i can remember, like if i think hard enough it’ll all stay. maybe it’s irrational, maybe i got some kinda health anxiety or whatever, but it feels like this shadow followin me everywhere i go. nd no matter how fast i run, it’s always there. this fear of forgettin, of fading, of losin who i am. dementophobia. that’s the word i found online. nd it’s ugly, it’s heavy, and it’s real as hell.

Why can't I just feel normal? I'm 16 yet I already feel like there's so many expectations now. There are so many talented people in so many different fields at my age. I've been feeling okay but recently I've felt like there's so many expectations that I've set up for myself. I used to have a complicated relationship with age, I was raised by the internet all my life and I adored the feeling of being the youngest, like being dubbed as "mature" within an environment that was purely teenagers or adults. But age practically proposes nothing, and I'm glad I got out of that mindset. It didn't help that I maladaptive daydreamed for most of my life though, and hid behind a dumb persona. I feel satisfied with being a teenager, but now my past is causing me to feel... off. The internet is probably one of the only places I have right now that I can express my authentic self in one way or another. I'm trying to do my best, and sometimes I don't even notice that what I produce (art, conversation, etc) is even worth it without someone assuring me about it. All of these factors are making me feel ridiculous and pressured...

i dunno how much longer i can keep doin this. every day feels like a repeat of the last one, same desk, same fake smiles, same pressure that keeps building and building and no one even talks about it. it’s like everyone at my job is running on fumes, but we all pretend like we're fine, like if we stop even for one sec someone else will take our spot. we're not working to grow or create anymore, we're working to survive. to not get fired. to not be the next one in that “meeting” room where they tell you your position is being "restructured." i see people cryin in their cars before walkin in, people stayin late even when their eyes are red and they got kids waitin at home. and me? i’m no different. i wake up with this knot in my chest every single morning, scared to check my emails, scared my name’ll be the next one called. i work through lunch, i say yes to everything even when i’m drowning. nd still, i feel like i’m not doin enough.

i used to have dreams man, like real ones. i thought i’d work hard, make a name for myself, maybe even lead a team one day. now? now i just dream about sleep. about quiet. about not feelin like i’m gonna snap if one more damn task lands on my plate. i can’t even remember the last time i laughed for real, or felt proud of anything i did. i just feel numb most of the time. or angry. or scared. i don’t talk to my friends anymore, i cancel plans, i ignore calls from my mom cause i don’t got the energy to pretend i'm ok. my brain don’t even shut off at night. i lay there thinking about what i didn’t finish, what i should’ve said in that meeting, whether my manager secretly hates me. nd then the alarm goes off and it starts all over again. i feel like i’m losing pieces of myself every damn day.

the people here... they’re all in survival mode. no one shares real thoughts anymore. everyone smiles but it’s all surface level. we’re competing silently, watching each other like hawks, pretending to be “team players” while lowkey hoping someone else messes up first. it’s toxic but no one says anything, cause no one wants to be seen as the weak one. and i feel like i’m goin crazy cause i can see it for what it is and yet i still show up and play the game. even when my body’s screamin to rest. even when my mind's all foggy. i drink like 3 coffees a day just to function, sometimes i skip meals, and still i get told i need to “show more initiative.” what the hell do they want from me?? blood?? i’m already runnin on empty. they want perfect robots, not humans. but i’m not a robot. i’m tired. i’m burnt out. and i feel like no one cares, like even if i collapsed at my desk, someone would just step over me and take my workload.

i don’t kno how to fix it. i don’t kno if it’s me or the job or the whole system but something’s wrong. i shouldn't feel this broken at my age. i shouldn't be questioning my sanity just cause of work. i don’t wanna be this bitter, exhausted version of myself forever. i miss when life had color, when i didn’t feel like cryin at the sound of another slack notification. i need something to change, but i’m scared. scared to leave cause what if it’s the same somewhere else? scared to speak up cause i might get fired. scared to admit i’m not okay cause that would mean facing how deep this all goes. so i keep goin, one day at a time, pretending i’m holdin it together when really... i feel like i’m losin my mind. and i don’t kno how much longer i can fake it.

You wander through the foggy streets

Wondering if anyone's noticed

Your thoughts circling around and around

You walk and walk

Not sure where your going

Or what your plan is

You just want to run

It starts to rain

You look up

Letting the symphony of falling water wash over you

You scream

The world not hearing you

They've never heard you

They never will

You watch the sun awaken from its slumber

Hearing them screaming out your name

Yelling for you to come home

You stand up

Wipe your muddy hands

Wipe your cascading eyes

And run and run

Hoping you'll run off the planet

One day hopefully

i ask myself this all the time, like literally every single day—why do i feel like i’m not good enough? no matter what i do, what i try, it never feels like it’s enough. like i’m enough. i look around at other people and it’s like they all got it figured out. they’re confident, they’re smart, they’re good looking, they know what they wanna do with their life and people like them. and then there’s me. stuck in this loop of overthinking everything, second guessing every word i say, every move i make. i try hard, like really hard. i stay up late studyin, i help people when they ask, i try to be kind, but still i feel like i’m just... less. like no matter how hard i try to be something, someone, i just keep falling short. nd yeah, ppl tell me to stop comparing, to just “be myself” but what if bein myself is the problem? what if no one actually likes the real me? sometimes it feels like people just tolerate me, like they wouldn’t even notice if i stopped showing up. i laugh with them, i hang out, but inside i feel so small, so invisible. like i’m on the outside lookin in all the time.

it messes with your head, u know? like u start wondering if ur even worth loving or caring about. i’ve had people leave without explainin, had friends slowly drift away like i wasn’t enough to keep around. nd i know it’s not all my fault, but when it happens over and over, u start thinkin maybe it is. maybe i talk too much, maybe i’m boring, maybe i’m annoying or just hard to be around. nd it makes me scared to open up, to trust people, cuz i keep thinkin they’ll see the real me and decide it’s not worth stayin. i wish i could feel proud of myself, like genuinely believe i’m doing okay. but even when something good happens, i just feel like i don’t deserve it. like it was luck, or a mistake, or someone else would’ve done it better. nd yeah, i smile in front of people, i act chill, but deep down it’s like there’s this constant voice tellin me i’m not enough. not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not important. nd i wish i knew how to shut it off. i wish i could wake up one day and actually feel like i belong in this world, like i’m not just taking up space. but right now? i don’t. and it sucks. it really, really sucks.

I’m 32 and I still don’t know what I’m doing here. Like actually here, alive, breathing, pretending to function in a world that feels like it was never made for me. I’ve never had a girlfriend, not even close. Girls never looked at me like that. I used to think maybe I just hadn’t met the right one, or I needed to be more confident, but that’s all lies people tell you to keep you hoping. The truth is, I’m invisible. Always have been. I don’t have that charm, that spark, whatever it is that makes someone want to know you. I see people my age married, having kids, posting pics of their anniversaries and vacations. Meanwhile I can’t even get someone to text me back. And yeah, I’ve tried. Dating apps, friends of friends, even asked out a coworker once (huge mistake, btw). Rejection feels like a daily part of my routine. It’s not even painful anymore. It’s just expected. And the longer I go without ever being loved like that, the more I start to think maybe I never will. Maybe some people just... don’t get that chapter in life.

And work? Same crap. I’ve had like 7 different jobs in the past 5 years. I try hard at first, I really do. I show up on time, follow the rules, try to be friendly. But something always goes wrong. I either mess something up or I don’t “fit the culture” or they say I’m too quiet, not a team player. It’s always somethin. I get let go, or I quit before they push me out. Then I’m back to sending resumes, begging for interviews, feeling like trash every time I get another “we went with another candidate” email. I feel useless. Like I can’t even do the bare minimum that everyone else seems to manage. And without a stable job, everything else falls apart. I can’t afford my own place, I live in a tiny room at my cousin’s house, I barely make it from month to month. I see people buying houses, going on trips, building lives… and I’m here counting coins for gas money. It’s humiliating. And I don’t even talk about it with anyone anymore, cause what’s the point? People don’t get it unless they’re living it.

Lately I’ve just been numb. Wake up, scroll a bit, maybe eat if I have food, stare at the wall, apply for a job or two, sleep. Repeat. I don’t have hobbies. I don’t have goals. I don’t even have people to hang out with. My phone’s dry. My heart feels dry too. Every time I start to think about the future, it just looks like more of the same. More rejection. More failure. More silence. I used to have dreams. I wanted to be a designer, or maybe a teacher. Something where I mattered. But now? I just want the days to stop dragging so damn slow. I’m not saying I wanna die, not exactly. I just don’t see the point in living like this. Alone, broke, unwanted, and tired. So tired. Everyone says “it gets better” but for me, it just never did. Maybe that’s just how it is for some of us. We don’t get the love story. We don’t get the career. We don’t get the happiness. We just exist. Quietly. Until we don’t anymore. And no one really notices. Because for people like me… life is meaningless.

So I've had problems with SH in the past. It's gotten really bad now, and it's all on my legs so it's easier to hide from my parents. My mom thought she took all the sharp objects out of my room, but, well... my pencil sharpener. I took the blade out. I started feeling ashamed of who I am, so I might've written a couple things with the blade (I wrote "Kpop," "LGBTQ," and a therian symbol) then put an X through them. And on the other leg... I wrote smt I don't want to share. One of the things is still bleeding and I couldn't find a bandaid big enough to cover it so I used toilet paper and fucking packing tape to cover it and make a makeshift bandage.

i don’t even kno how i got like this, but every day i wake up and the first thing i feel is just… hate. like, for myself. i look in the mirror and i can’t stand what i see. i’m not pretty, i’m not smart, i’m not anything. i try so hard at school and still i keep failing or messin up the easiest stuff. it’s embarrasin. teachers look at me like i’m stupid or lazy but i swear i try, like i really do. i study, i stay up late, i skip things i like just to focus but none of it works. and then i come home and it’s not better. my mom’s always mad at me, always yelling, sayin i don’t do enough, that i should be more like my cousin or my sister or whoever. like sorry i’m not good at anything okay?? my dad doesn’t say much but i can tell he’s disappointed too. he used to try to help with homework but now he just shakes his head and leaves the room. sometimes i wish i could just disappear for a while, like vanish and see if anyone even notices. i feel like a ghost in my own house. nobody listens to me. when i try to talk about how i feel it’s always “you’re being dramatic” or “you just want attention”. but i don’t. i just want someone to see me and say “you’re okay” and actually mean it.

i’ve lost friends too. like, i still talk to some ppl at school but i can tell they don’t really care. i get left out of stuff and when i ask to hang they got excuses. nd maybe it’s cuz i’m so negative or boring or whatever. maybe i talk too much about sad things. i try not to, but it leaks out, like i can’t help it. i laugh less than i used to. i cry more, mostly in my room, sometimes at night under the covers so no one hears. i write in my notes app stuff i could never say out loud. and yeah sometimes i think stuff i shouldn’t. like what if i just wasn’t here? would it be easier for everyone? i kno that’s a scary thought but it’s real. i don’t want to die, i just don’t wanna feel like this anymore. like i’m broken or wrong all the time. i see girls my age who are confident and smiley and got everything going and i feel like i’m just stuck. like i missed some class where everyone learned how to be normal and i wasn’t invited. nd yeah, ppl say “love urself” but how do you love someone who keeps messing up everything? who makes ppl angry just by being there? i hate myself so much and the worst part is i don’t even kno how to stop. i don’t kno how to be okay again, or if i ever was.

i rlly dont even kno where to begin, it just feel like everytime i start 2 feel a lil bit ok again, BOOM something else hits me. like its a joke or sumthin, like life’s playin a game with me n im always the loser. i try 2 keep goin, i swear i do, but dang its hard when bad stuff jus keep stackin on top of eachother. one thing after another like i dont even get a break. first it was my grades droppin, then my best friend started ignorin me for no reason, then my dog got sick and now my mom nd me keep fightin all the time. its like i cant breathe. ppl be sayin “stay positive” but like how??? how do u stay positive when the world keep throwin crap at u over n over?

it aint like i dont try. i get up every day even when i dont wanna. i smile at ppl even when i feel like cryin. i go 2 school, do my homework (well, i try but my head be all over the place), i say sorry when im wrong, i be nice even when ppl rude, n still things just go bad. like no matter wat i do its never enough. nd i be lookin at other ppl who dont even try half as hard as me nd they gettin everything good. they got friends, they got money, they got happiness, n im just here like what the heck did i do wrong? i must of done something really bad in a past life or somethin cuz this cant just be normal. no one i kno got this much bad luck all the time.

sometimes it feel like i’m cursed or sumthin. like theres a cloud over my head that just follow me everywhere i go. i be scared 2 get happy now cuz every time i do somethin bad happens right after. its like the universe waitin for me to smile just so it can slap me again. nd ppl dont really get it. they’ll be like “you’re strong, you’ll get thru it” but they not me. they dont kno what it’s like wakin up every morning with a knot in ur stomach cuz u dont kno wat mess is gonna hit u next. i keep askin god or whoever’s up there like “why me?” but no answer. just more bad stuff. i dont even want big things. i just want peace. i just wanna have one week where nothing go wrong. that’s all. is that too much 2 ask?

i kno ppl got it worse, nd maybe that make me sound selfish or whatever but pain is pain. just cuz someone else got problems dont mean mine dont matter. i jus want 2 feel normal. i want 2 wake up and not feel dread. i want to smile and not fake it. i want friends who stay and family who understand. i want to believe that things gonna get better but when everything keep fallin apart over n over its hard 2 keep hope. but im still here, barely, but i am. maybe one day things will change. maybe not. but i’m tryin. even if the world keep throwin bad stuff at me, i’m still tryna stand. even if i’m broken, i’m still here. and i guess that mean something… right?

So, I JUST performed at a convention with my dance team 4 hours ago. A member was unfortunately ill the day of, which meant reworking the formations and dance 2 HOURS before the performance to make it look more cohesive.

I love and am proud of my dancing journey, and how much I've improved over the years. My hard work has brought me to the point where I'm prided as "one of the best" in the group.

I had a member who once told me: '"If you of all people aren't able to nail the dance, who else would?"

I feel proud to be someone that my members view as "reliable" or as "an ace". It gives me confidence, and pushes me to work harder to fulfill those expectations. I always strive for a flawless, confident performance.

However, it has its drawbacks. My perfectionist tendencies and the pressure causes me to feel EXTREMELY depressed if I ever make a mistake.

In the performance we had today, my leader gave me the missing member's part and new formations to learn. During our last minute practices, everything went well and I thought I could handle it. I've done it before.

But on stage is a whole different ballgame because you're dealing with stage fright. After that, your focus is on fascinating the audience with your stage presence/expressions, which means relying on muscle memory for the dance.

I made AT LEAST 3 mistakes in there: I was in a wrong formation, I almost bumped into a member during her part, and I made up the missing member's part on the spot (because I couldn't remember what her gestures were). All of these were from the last minute changes we made.

What hurts even more I'd that I had coworkers and friends in the crowd who came to cheer me on. I also saw crowd cheering for me when I nailed a move, but I couldn't dare look them in the eyes when I felt myself messing up.

After the performance, I REALLY wanted to just hug someone and sulk quietly. But I didn't do that because I don't want my members to worry, make a big deal out of it, or for them to think that we did terrible.

For heaven's sake, I LOVE being at conventions. I'm a geek! It's one of my favourite places to be. I'm supposed to be happy right now, but I felt so upset and angry with myself. I couldn't stand putting a fake smile, pretending all was okay when I know I didn't perform at my best. Nor did I feel like enjoying the rest of the events or exploring the Artist Alley and merch, which is something I love doing.

So out of shame, I just left.

I know mistakes happen and I'll overcome this eventually, but I can't help but feel like I let my members, myself and everyone who cheered for me down.

Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday and I can’t believe in. In my head I’m still 17 years old. It’s like my life stopped when covid happened. How can I start living again? How can I catch up to everyone else? How can I be happy again?

i dont even like looking in the mirror anymore. like fr, every time i do, i just find something else to hate. my nose looks weird, my face is too round, my skin is never clear, and dont even get me started on my hair. it’s like the more i grow up, the uglier i get. when i was a kid i didn’t care, i used to smile at my reflection and not think twice. now i just stare at it and feel worse. everyone says “ur beautiful in ur own way” but i dont see it. all i see is someone who’s never gonna be that pretty girl, the one everyone looks at, the one people say wow she’s gorgeous about. and what scares me is that if i already feel this bad about how i look at 16, what am i gonna look like when i’m older? what if it gets worse? what if im one of those ppl who peak in middle school and then just get uglier and older until no one even notices them anymore??

i see girls at school and on insta and they’re all so perfect. like seriously, how do they do it?? their skin glows, their makeup is flawless, even their “casual” outfits look like they came outta a magazine. meanwhile, i look like a potato most days. even when i try to get ready and look nice, i still feel like i dont compare. i’ll take a bunch of selfies and delete all of them. nd then i look at old pics of me from like a year or two ago and i already look diff—and not in a good way. like my face changed and not the way i wanted. nd then i start thinkin like, what if this keeps happening? what if every year i just keep lookin less and less like someone worth looking at? it’s not just about being pretty. it’s about feelin confident. nd i dont feel that at all. i feel like i’m slowly turning into someone invisible.

sometimes i’ll be scrolling and see those “glow up” videos and they just make me wanna cry. like good for them but what if that never happens to me? what if i stay the weird lookin girl with the awkward smile and the body i dont even understand? i feel like people just expect us to grow up and magically turn into these beautiful women, but what if i never do? what if i just stay this unsure, insecure mess forever? i try to tell myself that beauty isn't everything, that what matters is inside, blah blah—but it’s hard when literally everyone is judging everyone based on looks, even if they dont say it out loud. boys don’t talk to me unless it’s for help with homework. girls don’t compliment me the way they do each other. no one says “u look pretty today” to me. so how am i supposed to believe i’m beautiful in the future when i don’t even feel it now?

i kno people change and grow nd maybe i’ll feel better about myself one day, but right now? i’m scared. scared of what i’ll look like when im 20, 25, 30. scared that nothing will change or that it’ll change the wrong way. scared that everyone around me will glow up and move on and be admired while i’m just… there. the girl who could’ve been cute but wasn’t. nd maybe that sounds dumb, but it’s real to me. i just wanna feel pretty one day, like actually believe it without doubting every second. i want to wake up, look in the mirror, and smile for once. maybe that’s too much to ask. but it’s what i want. and i hope, more than anything, that future me isn’t still feeling this way. cuz that would hurt more than anything.

God!! I am just so fucking ugly!!! Why is it that I can feel so good about myself one moment and then so terrible the next. Im genuinely on the verge of tearing out my hair. I don’t know how to fucking explain how I feel, I don’t know what to say, my brain feels foggy, I hate whoever that ugly ass slime in the mirror is, and I barely have any friends- the ones that I do have probably have plans to leave me anyways. I don’t know who I am, what I like, what colleges i’m going to go to, what job I want, any of my aspirations. I feel like the little things that I do know about myself aren’t even significant enough to tell people who I really am. I have a sense of my being, but at the same time i’m clueless. I try, I do, but in the end I feel like nothing I do amounts to anything. I feel trapped. I try to do one thing, ope, You’re too ugly to wear that! I try another thing, Sorryy… sucks, but, you are actually retarted and don’t know shit. My skin is constantly breaking out, i’m constantly bloated, I feel fat, my clothes are uncomfortable, I look like a whale, I don’t know how to act around people. I just cannot simply exist without my brain eating at everything I say, do, or look like. Am I give the right impression? Why do I care so much? “Oh just don’t, it’s so easy” i’m sorry but don’t you think i’ve tried?! I’ve tried so hard not to let my view of myself get in the way of how I act, or how I believe people perceive me. I’ve tried so hard i’m so exhausted. I wish I could cut open my arms and let my emotions flood from the wounds and bleed into every written word because nothing I seem to say truly displays how my heart really feels. Probably because i’m not entirely sure myself. I know it’s a problem, i’m sorry, where is my instruction manual to function like the rest of society? Why is it that I feel i’m doing everything wrong and everyone else has it right? Im not just saying my life sucks and everyone else’s is better, but even the people who have it rougher than me, they seem to know how to live life more efficiently. I kind of just feel like i’m floating through space. I know how to avoid the asteroids- I know what to do right, never do anything wrong- but that’s it. I’m just kind of existing while life happens around me. I am not actually enjoying myself. I smile, I laugh, yes genuinely a lot of the time, but after the fact? What do I do? I’m an awkward little inexperienced girl who has no clue about anything. I feel trapped. I want to shut down but at the same time I know I need to go to college, so I do the bare minimum for A’s, knowing damn well that even if I have good grades, act right, play sports, i’m still not doing enough. Nothing is ever going to be enough. I can want to do something that sounds fleeting in the moment but all motivation is lost when my world feels like it’s crashing down around me. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to like myself. Whatever that means. Whatever any of this means, I truly do not know. I feel like I truly do not know much these days.

lately, it’s like i’m walking around in my own body but everything feels off. like im not really here, like someone swapped out the real me and left this weird, tired, distant version behind. i still do all the same things—wake up, go to work, see people, even laugh at jokes—but none of it feels right. there’s this weird fog in my head, and even when im smiling, it doesn’t feel real. i keep thinking back to how i used to be. more energetic, more excited, more… alive, i guess. but now? now i just go through the motions and hope no one notices how weird everything feels inside. it’s like my brain is on autopilot and i’m just watching. and what’s worse is i can’t even explain it properly when someone asks what’s wrong? cuz i don’t know. i don’t know when it started, or why, or what triggered it. all i know is that i don’t feel like myself anymore—and that terrifies me.

some days are worse than others. sometimes i wake up and for a second i feel okay, like maybe today’s the day it breaks and i’ll feel normal again. but then something small happens—like i forget something stupid or someone says something in a tone that hits wrong—and boom, it’s back. the emptiness, the disconnection. i try to force myself to do the things i used to love. music, movies, friends, even food. but they don’t hit the same. i keep waiting to feel something spark again, something that says “yes, this is you,” but it just… doesn’t come. nd the more i try to force it, the more fake i feel. like i’m pretending to be okay because im supposed to be okay. i mean, nothing major is happening, i have a roof, a job, people around me. but still, this weight sits on me like i’m broken in a way no one else can see.

i thought maybe it was stress. maybe burnout or something. or maybe it’s just one of those phases people go through when they’re figuring stuff out. but it’s been weeks now, maybe even months, and i still don’t feel right. i’ve started pulling away from people cuz i don’t know how to be around them when i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i cancel plans or show up and zone out the whole time. nd it’s not that i don’t love my friends, i do. but i feel like im watching myself from the outside, doing and saying what i’m supposed to, while inside i’m just numb. or sad. or tired. or all of it. nd it makes me feel guilty too. like i’m wasting time, ruining things, making people worry when i don’t even have a good reason. so i just say i’m fine, just tired, hoping no one digs deeper, cuz i wouldn’t even know what to tell them if they did.

i just want to feel like me again. i want to wake up and not feel like i’m bracing for something i can’t even name. i want to look in the mirror and recognize what’s behind my eyes, not this dull, distant look that doesn’t match the person i remember being. i miss that version of me—the one who laughed loud without forcing it, who got excited over small things, who didn’t feel so... out of place in her own life. i don’t know how to get back there. or if i even can. but i’m trying. slowly. some days, just getting out of bed feels like progress. and maybe that’s all i can do right now. keep trying, keep showing up, even if i feel like a ghost of myself. cuz somewhere deep down, i know i’m still here. i have to believe that. even if i don’t feel like myself right now... maybe, someday, i will again.